I have so much more to offer
But I’m doing nothing about it…
I’m not good enough…
Sometimes I withdraw from you all… either via not posting in this blog, or I *actually* withdraw from those of you that know me in-world. I don’t talk, I avoid the places I usually hang out at… or I just don’t log in at all. I’m short, moody… and a lot of you tend to wonder, “What the fuck is wrong with you today?”
So… that’s what I’m going to talk about today. This is what anxiety feels like.
Maybe I wake up in the morning… or maybe I’ve been up since the night before. It depends on how sick I’ve been recently and whether or not I’ve been napping during the day, either for illness-related reasons or depression-related ones. The dreaded debate begins… coffee or not. Thanks to some hard times as a Psych student in college, any bit of caffeine will spell a migraine for me in a couple of days when my body withdraws again… but sometimes I just need the kick to get motivated for the day.
Usually coffee wins out.
While I’m brewing a single cup in my Keurig, normal people would be thinking about what they wanted to make for breakfast. Not me. Something in my system just doesn’t agree with eating in the morning at all… whether it’s first thing in the morning or after I’ve been awake a few hours. So rather than making any kind of breakfast, I poke around my freezer and the cabinets to see what I might like for lunch later, and if I need to go to the store for anything.
See, I don’t like being around people for too long, so I don’t make regular ‘grocery’ shopping trips. I go for something specific when I need it. In and out. Minimal contact, minimal damage. And it still takes a few hours to talk myself into leaving the house. Sometimes I even put it off until 30 minutes before my local Dollar General closes, and then I’m rushing to get there in time.
Depending on how I’m feeling that day and what is ‘scheduled’ in SL, I may or may not login. Or I’ll login and then run afk. But of course when I do that, I put up an autoresponse, because people have this sense of, “You must hate me,” if they IM me and I don’t reply back for a few hours. And then of course, I get the feeling that they ‘hate’ me for ‘ignoring’ them.
I spend a lot of time in my inventory, partially because I’m indecisive, and partially because it’s so disorganized. I’ll change outfits on my pixel avatar three or four times before returning to settle on the first thing I wanted to wear in the first place. And depending on if I have notecards yelling at me about deadlines or not, then I may or may not relog into Black Dragon to take photos.
Despite SL being a ‘safe’ social platform, I still don’t leave my house or a few trusted places. So I stand around my house for anywhere between 15 minutes and an hour, trying to convince myself to go be social.
Usually I wind up in the same D/s & Art sim.
But then I get there and sometimes I regret it. If there aren’t a few people there that I know and trust, then I find myself silently observing everyone and their public conversations… and feeling out of the loop.
“They don’t like me… they don’t want me here.”
“Any time I speak up to try to participate in the conversation, I’m ignored… I should just shut up.”
“Deia, seriously, shut up, they don’t care. You’re just making yourself look like an idiot.”
“They’d be happier if you left.”
“Maybe you should just go to a different part of the sim.”
And eventually, my mind will win, and I’ll ask to be excused and wander off to the opposite corner of the sim, hide in the dance studio, and work on something… whether it’s a dance sequence that has a particular purpose, or it’s just something for fun/something to do.
“Why are you here if you’re just going to hang out by yourself?”
Eventually I’ll stop dancing and teleport back to my house. Which is fine, because no one really notices I’ve left anyway; I’m pretty easily forgotten after I’ve asked to be excused, so why would they notice?
I’ll scroll through my friends list. Despite all of this constant questioning going on in my head, I’m a relatively social person in IMs. Especially when I’m safely hiding alone in my own house. I don’t have to put myself out there more than I want to, and – as horrible as it sounds – I can just… stop responding if I wanted to.
Oh, fuck, I was going to blog. Logout of Firestorm, log in to Black Dragon.
Five minutes into setting up the shot, someone that I’d like to hang out with logs in, and IMs me, asks what I’m doing. “Oh, I didn’t expect you… so I started taking photos…” I trail off awkwardly because I don’t know how to tell them I want to hang out. They tell me they’ll leave me to it, and they stop talking.
“BUT I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU!” Despite my brain screaming, I close the IM window and keep working on the shot alone.
When I’ve taken 30 different versions each of two different poses, I’ll log out of Black Dragon and back into Firestorm. I can edit later, maybe I can hang out with that person now. Oh, they’re offline. Well… may as well open up Photoshop.
A few hours later, I tab back into Firestorm and check group notices I missed. Oh, there’s a discussion. That might be fun. Teleport into the sim and either participate a lot… or don’t participate at all.
Look up at the clock. Oh, Master didn’t log in again. That’s fine, I’m used to it by now. Text Master to make sure He’s ok, and instead I wind up sending, “Master, are You sure this is really what You want?”
What I mean is, is He sure I’m really what He wants. Because I can’t understand why anyone would want me.
“Why me? What’s special about me? Nothing. Everyone just wants me to leave when I show up… people only tolerate me in small doses. No one really WANTS to be around me, they just do it when they’re obligated, and then they leave to go on about their lives.”
“Why the fuck can’t you just be normal, Deia?”
Fuck it, I log out. I look around my office… maybe I’ll rearrange it today. Oh, fuck, I missed lunch editing and I’m kinda hungry… maybe I should make dinner.
I spend too long trying to decide what to eat… what’s the point anyway. I’m already too fat… why am I eating at all? I give in and eat something anyway, but I feel guilty about it the whole time.
I might log back in again at some point in the night and restart the process of trying to be social until I get that feeling they don’t want me around again. Which is often. And by that point, that particular thought has consumed my brain for so long, I wouldn’t blame them.
And then… god forbid… it happens all over again the next day…
— Disclaimer —
Here’s the thing… everything I just wrote above… is generally what happens in my day to day. It’s not fun. It’s not something to deal with just for attention. I don’t like dealing with it… even if I could tolerate the feelings, I HATE the way that the medication I’m given for it, makes me feel. I feel distant… and dizzy… and numb… but perhaps it’s better than all of those thoughts and questions that I listed above.
However, anxiety isn’t cute. Mental illness isn’t a trend to follow. This is serious shit. And I’m letting you have a view into my life, and giving you a similar view into Alex Terranova’s life, if you haven’t seen this video before. This is very real.
If you’re experiencing anxiety in a more severe form, and are considering harming yourself or someone else, there are numbers that you can call, people that you can talk to, help that can be provided to you. Please seek help! If not for yourself, then for those that care for you.
Shape || Mine
* Head || Lulu Bento Motion Capture Head | LAQ | recent!
* Skin || Mia Skin (Tone 1.0) | LAQ
* Lipstick || Red Lipstick (08) | LAQ
* Hair || Paradox (Reds) | Stealthic
* Sweater || Delrica’s Cozy Sweater (Cashmere) | Cynful | Collabor88 | recent!
Jeans || DWL Classic Jeans (Vox) | Blueberry
* Earrings&Necklace || Charlotte Collection | Cae | Blush (opens 01/28) | new!
Collar || Inked Collar | RealEvil Industries
* Rings || Morning Josie Bento Rings | Slipper Originals | Underdog Event | new!
Backdrop || Biscayne Backdrops (Selfie) | SAYO
Location || Backdrop City
Blogging Video || What Anxiety Feels Like (Me Too) – Alex Terranova