I Will Find My Strength To Untape My Mouth…

Cause I… I feel like I’m ready for love
And I… I want to be Your everything and more
I know every day I say it, but I just want You to be sure
That I am Yours

Yours2FINAL

I hate this.  (Not the outfit.  I LOVE that.  *Laughs*)

Regardless of all the anger, and all the negative things that I wrote in my last post… just a couple hours ago, if that… even in the face of all that negative shit, I don’t feel ‘done’.  Half the reason I even wrote that post in the first place was to REMIND myself of all the negative.  To remind myself that no matter how much I hurt right now that there was so much there that just… wasn’t right.  That I shouldn’t have been sitting around wondering if I get more than 2 minutes of His time that day.  That I shouldn’t have to wonder if when He SAYS He’s going to be somewhere, if He’ll actually show up.  That I shouldn’t have to fear pursuing things I want to do, and whether or not those things will make Him mad.

That I shouldn’t have to defend Him to almost everyone in my life.

That the fact that He is incredibly lackluster about dance isn’t going to help me grow.  That the fact that He’s not the biggest fan of my SL mom isn’t ok.  That the fact that He flies off the handle about every little thing that goes not the way he expected isn’t ok.  That I shouldn’t have to wonder who He’s being intimate with, if He won’t touch me.  That I shouldn’t have to feel second-rate in my own relationship.

It’s not me.  It’s Him.  I deserve better.  He’s too young to know what He wants and be satisfied with what He has.  He doesn’t have enough life experience to even understand what it means to be a Dominant and be One effectively.

I know all of these things.  I’ve been told all of these things in the last 48 hours.

But being in the hospital not once, but twice… I felt like something was missing.  When I started chemo again on Tuesday and I was scared out of my mind, and just felt like shit… I would open Skype on my phone and message Him.  Even if it was something as simple as, “I hate this.”  I still did.  And He always replied with something that forced me to see the positive side of it… and look forward to the long-term.

So when I was in the hospital Saturday and again on Sunday, it just… it was really empty.  Even if my mother was with me on Sunday.  It was still so empty.

Everything is so empty.

I’m sure this it the shit that gives me the reputation for being self-destructive.  And I likely should never follow my heart, because the fucking thing is entirely irrational and always gets me in trouble.

And I’m sure I’ll wind up hurt even more than I have been before.

But I guess that’s life.  I guess that’s the hand I’ve been dealt.  Because my everything is still His, even though He doesn’t want it.

I can’t seem to take it back.

Yours1FINAL

*~* I Will Find My Strength To Untape My Mouth… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Artemis (Asia Tone; Makeup Option 4) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Chloe (Light Reds) – enVOGUE
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v2.1) – Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Ombre Set (B&W) – Nailed It
Freckle/Blush: Lillith Fair (Freckle Blush Only) – Madrid Solo
Eyemakeup: Paris (Eyes Only) – MUA
Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks Red (Satin; Dark Tone) – Pink Fuel
Dress/Leggings: Crazy Valentina – Whimsical Imaginarium  @ The Instruments
Shoes: Fiocco Heels (Black; from Essentials Pack) – DE. Boutique
Earrings: Kirenna Fey Teardrops – Maxi Gossamer
Rings: Accessoires Rings (Black) – Formanails  **New Release!**
* These are sold separately in options for SL hand, Slink Elegant, Elegant-1, and Casual

Poses/Prop: Surface – oOo Studio  *Free Group Gift – 100L join fee*

Location: My home

Blogging Tune: “Yours” – Ella Henderson

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You’re Not My Sunshine Anymore…

Ok, you’re pretty, your face is a work of art
Your smile could light up New York City after dark
Ok, you’re cover boy pretty, stamped with a beauty mark
But it’s such a pity
A boy so pretty, with an ugly heart…

UglyHeart1FINAL

The full lyric for the title of this blog post is “Does it stop Your heart to know You’re not my sunshine anymore?”

My guess is no.  It doesn’t mean shit.  Because it never meant shit to Him.  🙂  (*Coughs*  That’s not bitterness at all.)

I’ve become incredibly cynical in the 7 years I’ve been in SL.  I’ve seen and met some amazing people, but for the most part, I’ve seen and met people who LOOK amazing on the outside, but it’s mostly for personal gain of some kind.  And in my relationships?  Lord.  Most of the Men that make up SL seem to be (yes, note, I said SEEM to be, so the whole of the male population should NOT come at me all offended and shit, please) in relationships so that they can have their cake and eat it to.

My SLrelationship pet peeves:

  • Married in RL, Hiding From Spouse: I don’t give two shits if you are married in RL AS LONG AS YOUR SPOUSE IS AWARE OF WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE IN SL.  If you’re in an open-relationship in RL and your wife is ok with you having little online romances via SL, then more power to you, and we can see where this goes.  However, if you hide the fact that you’re in SL from your spouse and you’re using me to fill some hole that remains empty in your RL… please step aside.  GO to your spouse, be HONEST about the things you’re missing, and make your RL shit work.  You can’t fill a hole by being deceitful.  That does absolutely no good and winds up hurting everyone involved.
  • Men Who Are Younger Than Me: I am the FIRST person who will chime in with “Age is just a number”, but after experiences with my most recent significant other (See, I don’t know what to call him.  I called Him Master in and out of Gor.  I called Him Daddy out of Gor.  But yet in a conversation the other morning he said to me, specifically, “I don’t have a slave outside of Gor.”  Way to tell me I don’t exist to you outside of the context of a superficial roleplay, asshole.)  Anyway, after my most recent experiences, I can’t handle the emotional immaturity of someone younger than me.  I’m already pretty young myself, compared to the median age in SL, being that I’m 25.  I don’t need to be messing around with people younger than me, as all it does is cause headaches.  How do you expect one to adjust to being in a ‘non-exclusive relationship’ that doesn’t exist outside of Gor… yet you treat it like it does… while subsequently getting angry and jealous over every little thing that doesn’t go your way?  (Really, I got permission to go up for a sim auction, and when someone won me, He got mad.  When I bid on someone and won, He got mad.  Come on, now.)
  • Dishonesty Of Any Kind: I am an honest person.  Brutally so.  If I can be the kind of brutally honest that pisses you the hell off, and I can be that way KNOWING that the truth is going to piss you off, then the least you can do is be honest with me.  And for what it’s worth, not telling the truth in that you’re not saying ANYTHING, is indeed the same as lying, in my book.  Lying by omission.  It’s a thing.
  • Playing Friends Against Each Other: When a breakup happens, do not come to me and tell me that I have to stop talking to so-and-so because you’re not with them anymore.  If YOU choose to not associate with them, that’s fine with me.  And if you’re coming to me in a roleplay context about a storyline that can’t happen because you’re not going to interact with them, then ok, great, I can handle that.  But don’t give me shit when I’m still friends with someone.  And don’t expect me to try and turn other people against you if you and I break up.  But also don’t expect me to give up friends I’ve made, regardless of whether you introduced them to me or not.  It’s very rare that I find people I can tolerate to keep close enough to consider them a friend.  You can be damn sure I’m holding on to them.  Especially since THEY were the ones who picked me up after YOU decided to be a dick.
  • Cheating: Enough said.  Don’t do it, not even ‘just one time, and it didn’t mean anything.’  I’m a pretty open person.  If you want an open relationship, state it up front.  Don’t go behind my back and do shit.
  • Double Standards: That said, if relationships are open, then there should be freedom on both sides.  If you want to go off and be physically intimate with other people, then don’t get upset when I do too.  Ironically enough, in my last relationship, my being physically intimate with another was the one thing that DIDN’T make him mad.  Log in while I’m with someone and he’s cool with it, but heaven forbid I win an auction for 6 hours of NON-SEXUAL roleplay and the sky is fucking falling.  (Sorry… I’m still grumbly.)
  • Neglect In The Name of Openness: Alright.  Open relationships are just that, open.  So my irritation here does not lie in being with other people.  Because that’s the nature of openness.  HOWEVER, when WE are not being intimate, then you DAMN sure shouldn’t be doing it with other people.  If you can’t keep up the physical intimacy in your own relationship and keep your partner happy, then you shouldn’t be engaging with other people.  Nothing hurt me more when my last relationship ended than to hear that he had been with others.  He was regularly ignoring me, both in matters of intimacy and in other things, and yet he sure as hell found the time and motivation to be intimate with other people.  (So this is what being used feels like…)

Alright.  I’m sorry for the ranty moment.  With the approach of Valentine’s Day (Singles’ Awareness Day) in a moment when I thought I may have been happy for once upon its approach, to have it all blow up in my face just… left me pretty sour.

So if you don’t like angry ranty posts, then just look at the pretty pictures and go buy the pretty dress and stuff.  😀

UglyHeart2FINAL

*~* You’re Not My Sunshine Anymore… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Artemis (Asia Tone; Makeup Option 04) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Aimee (Color Hud A) – Catwa Hair  @ Fashion Fair
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v2.1) – Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: French Manicure (Pastels) – Nailed It
Freckle/Blush: Lillith Fair (Freckle Blush Only) – Madrid Solo
Lipstick: Facade Lips (Liberal Pink) – Madrid Solo
Gown: Jo’Anne (White/Pink Polka) – Lybra  @ The Instruments
Earrings & Necklace: Arabella Wild Pearls – Maxi Gossamer  @ FaMeshed

Poses: Pose 223 (first photo) & Pose 247 (second photo) – Slouch

Location: Salt Water

Blogging Tune: “Ugly Heart” – G.R.L
* Dammit, Modesty, it’s been on repeat for DAYS, and it’s ALL Your fault!