Cause I… I feel like I’m ready for love
And I… I want to be Your everything and more
I know every day I say it, but I just want You to be sure
That I am Yours
I hate this. (Not the outfit. I LOVE that. *Laughs*)
Regardless of all the anger, and all the negative things that I wrote in my last post… just a couple hours ago, if that… even in the face of all that negative shit, I don’t feel ‘done’. Half the reason I even wrote that post in the first place was to REMIND myself of all the negative. To remind myself that no matter how much I hurt right now that there was so much there that just… wasn’t right. That I shouldn’t have been sitting around wondering if I get more than 2 minutes of His time that day. That I shouldn’t have to wonder if when He SAYS He’s going to be somewhere, if He’ll actually show up. That I shouldn’t have to fear pursuing things I want to do, and whether or not those things will make Him mad.
That I shouldn’t have to defend Him to almost everyone in my life.
That the fact that He is incredibly lackluster about dance isn’t going to help me grow. That the fact that He’s not the biggest fan of my SL mom isn’t ok. That the fact that He flies off the handle about every little thing that goes not the way he expected isn’t ok. That I shouldn’t have to wonder who He’s being intimate with, if He won’t touch me. That I shouldn’t have to feel second-rate in my own relationship.
It’s not me. It’s Him. I deserve better. He’s too young to know what He wants and be satisfied with what He has. He doesn’t have enough life experience to even understand what it means to be a Dominant and be One effectively.
I know all of these things. I’ve been told all of these things in the last 48 hours.
But being in the hospital not once, but twice… I felt like something was missing. When I started chemo again on Tuesday and I was scared out of my mind, and just felt like shit… I would open Skype on my phone and message Him. Even if it was something as simple as, “I hate this.” I still did. And He always replied with something that forced me to see the positive side of it… and look forward to the long-term.
So when I was in the hospital Saturday and again on Sunday, it just… it was really empty. Even if my mother was with me on Sunday. It was still so empty.
Everything is so empty.
I’m sure this it the shit that gives me the reputation for being self-destructive. And I likely should never follow my heart, because the fucking thing is entirely irrational and always gets me in trouble.
And I’m sure I’ll wind up hurt even more than I have been before.
But I guess that’s life. I guess that’s the hand I’ve been dealt. Because my everything is still His, even though He doesn’t want it.
I can’t seem to take it back.
*~* I Will Find My Strength To Untape My Mouth… *~*
Skin: Artemis (Asia Tone; Makeup Option 4) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Chloe (Light Reds) – enVOGUE
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v2.1) – Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Ombre Set (B&W) – Nailed It
Freckle/Blush: Lillith Fair (Freckle Blush Only) – Madrid Solo
Eyemakeup: Paris (Eyes Only) – MUA
Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks Red (Satin; Dark Tone) – Pink Fuel
Dress/Leggings: Crazy Valentina – Whimsical Imaginarium @ The Instruments
Shoes: Fiocco Heels (Black; from Essentials Pack) – DE. Boutique
Earrings: Kirenna Fey Teardrops – Maxi Gossamer
Rings: Accessoires Rings (Black) – Formanails **New Release!**
* These are sold separately in options for SL hand, Slink Elegant, Elegant-1, and Casual
Poses/Prop: Surface – oOo Studio *Free Group Gift – 100L join fee*
Location: My home
Blogging Tune: “Yours” – Ella Henderson