What If What I Want Makes You Sad…

What If(If it’s all my fault, then let me fix it, please…)

Yes, it’s 5 days til Christmas.
Yes, I should be blogging POE.
Yes, I should actually be finishing poses for a Finesmith show in 2 hours.
However, this is the mood I’m in today… and this is what needs to be written.

If I’m not modeling… I’m usually wearing my scars.  You might not always see them, but they’re usually there.  Why?  Because they are a part of me… they are a permanent staple of my life, both SL and RL.  Some of them are my doing… and others are scars that other people have left by damages they’ve done in my life.

I think the thing I hate saying more than anything else in the world is, “As long as You’re happy, that’s all that matters.”  I mean, the sentiment is nice… and the intentions are good, really they are.  Anytime I’ve found myself saying, “As long as You’re happy, that’s all that matters,” I really have been desiring to see that person happy.  However, it’s the part at the end that really gets me.  “That’s all that matters.”  No, really, it’s not.  I can promise you it’s not.

Because my well-being matters too.  Or, at least, it should.

What If(What is what I want makes You sad at me?)

I guess there’s a delicate balance that needs to be maintained between wanting to see someone you love happy… and wanting to be happy yourself.  How that balance is maintained is, I guess, different for everyone.  Because every situation is different.  And every person is different.  I’m treading in very unfamiliar waters at the moment, because for once, I’m putting my own happiness up there in line with everyone else’s… so to say that I have NO idea how to go about riding that line between seeing someone happy/being happy myself and seeing someone happy/be miserable… I’m not kidding.  I have no idea.

Believe it or not, I’ve always been someone who puts everyone else’s happiness above my own.  Now, that may not always seem true… particularly when I’m acting like what most would call a bitch… but honestly, even in those times, I’m trying to protect someone else’s happiness.  And 99% of the time, if I’m being a bitch to you, you’ve disrupted the happiness of someone I care for and deserve the bitchiness.  I’m fiercely protective of my friends and the people/things they care about… but in doing so, I sort of lost all sense of protectiveness for myself.

However now… no.  Now something must be said.  Frankly because I’m sick of swallowing it for the good of her… or the good of You… or the good of whomever, while allowing it to be a detriment to me.

I’m through sacrificing myself to keep You happy.  That’s not my job anymore.

What If(What if it takes Your breath and You can hardly breathe?)

A line from the song I’m listening too while blogging today sorta says it all… as much as I hate to admit it.  “Cause You know that I’m always all for You.”  And up until about… an hour and a half ago… that was true.  But not anymore.  I can’t afford to be that way anymore.

Why?

Because I was finally slapped in the face with the fact that all this time… when we were together and even when we weren’t… when I was “all for You”… and wanted to see You happy… and did my damnedest to make You happy whenever I could… all this time… You never gave two halves a damn about whether or not I was happy in the process.  It became very clear to me today that You would sit back and watch me hurt… and not do a thing about it… as long as You remained happy.

That’s not ok.

So, while I do want to see You happy… I’ve always wanted to see You happy… I always will want to see You happy… (That’s what love is… you remember that word, right?)  I can’t keep hurting myself to perpetuate that happiness.  I can’t smile and pretend like everything is ok when it’s not.  You did some shady things… and You’re getting to reap the benefits of those things while I get to sit here and be hurt by it over and over and over again?  No.  Not anymore.

You can be happy however You choose to be.

Just leave me out of it.

What If(What if it makes the last sound be the very best sound…)

*~* What If What I Want Makes You Sad *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Cleo 11 (Arctic; Clean Version) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Dolly Eyes (Blind) – By Snow
Hair: Sudden – Magika  *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Eyeliner: Liner Pack 1 (3; Bold) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Face Makeup: Xclamation – Madrid Solo
Lips: Logan’s Run (Silver; Lips Only) – Madrid Solo
Whip Scars (Chest & Back): Whipped – Savage
Dress (Corset, Cage Skirt, & Ripped Leggings): Goth1c (Mod 1) – AD Creations  *~*partial rigged mesh*~*
Hat: included with Dress – AD Creations
Boots: Mega Boots (Black) – TEN  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) – Slink  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Nails Applier: Dark Set – Nailed It (Slink applier HUD & mesh nail capability!)
Necklace: Kabuki Necklace (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Bracelets: Kabuki Bracelets (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Left Hand Ring: Gigi Shimmer Bow – Maxi Gossamer  *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Right Hand Ring: Roho – Maxi Gossamer  *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Monroe Piercing: Diamond Monroe Piercing – envi
Poses: various from Fierce, Simple Woman, and Drama sets – *PosESioN*

Blogging Tune: “What If” – Safety Suit

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Between Heaven And Hell (POE #2)

POE6 POSTER Image(In defense of our dreams…)

Good lord.  “Day off” is such a misleading term.  Sure, I have a day off, mostly, from the ongoing Jewelry & Accessory Expo, but it means I get to spend the day catching up on everything else.  Like blogging POE, re-writing a couple of articles for the third time… etc etc.

I’m not sure if some of you had the misfortune of hearing me rant about what happened, but my computer crashed one night… just a seemingly ‘normal’ random shut-off (as normal as one of those can be, anyway)… but in doing so, it was like it system restored to a couple weeks prior… so I lost a lot of photos I’d done, a lot of things I’d written.  It was a mess.

Long story short, I never got any of it back.  Oh, the joys of moving!

Anyway… here is today’s photo for POE…

Between Heaven And Hell(We are the Kings and Queens of promise…)

I’ve had this outfit saved FOREVER… and I’ve REALLY wanted to blog it.  Of course, as I’m sure you’ve seen, I’ve not really been able to blog much of anything lately.  So I promise, this one was totally at the top of my list, right underneath that gorgeous Romance Couture dress from my last post.  (Gah!  I STILL can’t get over that dress.  I’m still looking for an excuse to wear it in public.  Lol.)

The ironic part of this outfit… I’m not sure if you can see it, but the Bubblez dress comes with these almost translucent wings… so it’s an angel dress.  I put this outfit together right after a rather controversial open discussion on Brats in the Lifestyle… and I could feel a few peoples’ “judgey faces” looking at me… like such a “typical” brat thing, to come to this discussion dressed as a ‘perfect angel’ when everyone and their brother knows I’m one of those playful bratty types.  There was totally a “how dare you” vibe from a couple of the more-judgmental people in the room.  (Thank god it was none of the regular members of the sim.  The open-mindedness from the regular, core membership is part of what keeps me at this place.  It’s amazing.)

Anyway, I hadn’t even thought about it.  While it’s TOTALLY something I would do as a conscious decision, I hadn’t even thought about the fact that I was going to a discussion that was certainly going to ruffle some feathers, dressed as the epitome of a brat.  It was… interesting.  Overall, the discussion was great, aside from a couple close-minded people beating a dead horse.  But for the most part, everyone got along ok.  A couple people made comments that made me cry.  And the true nature of the “Brat Pack” was outed to the community… a group that gets together to provide service to the community… not to wreak havoc.

I’ve got a couple more POE outfits pre-saved that I’m going to try and photograph, edit, and get put up… sometime in the near future.  I hope.

Too many things to do and not enough time in the day!  And I only have so many hands!  *Works on trying to grow a couple more*

*~* Between Heaven And Hell… *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Cleo 11 (Arctic; Clean Version) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Lovers eye (Baby Blue) – theSkinnery  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Hair: Bliss – Magika  *~*rigged mesh*~* (comes in 3 sizes)
Eyeliner: PEACE on EARTH Matte Liner (Black) – Beautiful Deluxe (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs and Hints)
Eyeshadow: PEACE on EARTH Eyeshadow (3) – Beautiful Deluxe (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs and Hints)
Blush: PEACE on EARTH Blush – Beautiful Deluxe (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs and Hints)
Dress: Angel Dress – Bubblez Design (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs and Hints)  *~*rigged mesh*~* (comes in 5 sizes)
Wings: included with Dress – Bubblez Design (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs and Hints)
Wand: included with Dress (2 options) – Bubblez Design (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs and Hints)
Ankle Boots: POE 2013 Ladies period ankle boot (Hope White) – Timelines Vintage Couture (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs and Hints)
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (left hand is Elegant I; right hand is Bag) – Slink  *~*rigged mesh*~* (comes in 5 sizes)
Nails Applier: Tricolor White – KOSH (from The Arcade Gacha)
Pearl Necklace: included with Dress – Bubblez Design (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs and Hints)
Pose: from the Aliza set – *PosESioN*  (set seems no longer available)

Blogging Tune: “Kings and Queens” – 30 Seconds to Mars