Yes, it’s 5 days til Christmas.
Yes, I should be blogging POE.
Yes, I should actually be finishing poses for a Finesmith show in 2 hours.
However, this is the mood I’m in today… and this is what needs to be written.
If I’m not modeling… I’m usually wearing my scars. You might not always see them, but they’re usually there. Why? Because they are a part of me… they are a permanent staple of my life, both SL and RL. Some of them are my doing… and others are scars that other people have left by damages they’ve done in my life.
I think the thing I hate saying more than anything else in the world is, “As long as You’re happy, that’s all that matters.” I mean, the sentiment is nice… and the intentions are good, really they are. Anytime I’ve found myself saying, “As long as You’re happy, that’s all that matters,” I really have been desiring to see that person happy. However, it’s the part at the end that really gets me. “That’s all that matters.” No, really, it’s not. I can promise you it’s not.
Because my well-being matters too. Or, at least, it should.
I guess there’s a delicate balance that needs to be maintained between wanting to see someone you love happy… and wanting to be happy yourself. How that balance is maintained is, I guess, different for everyone. Because every situation is different. And every person is different. I’m treading in very unfamiliar waters at the moment, because for once, I’m putting my own happiness up there in line with everyone else’s… so to say that I have NO idea how to go about riding that line between seeing someone happy/being happy myself and seeing someone happy/be miserable… I’m not kidding. I have no idea.
Believe it or not, I’ve always been someone who puts everyone else’s happiness above my own. Now, that may not always seem true… particularly when I’m acting like what most would call a bitch… but honestly, even in those times, I’m trying to protect someone else’s happiness. And 99% of the time, if I’m being a bitch to you, you’ve disrupted the happiness of someone I care for and deserve the bitchiness. I’m fiercely protective of my friends and the people/things they care about… but in doing so, I sort of lost all sense of protectiveness for myself.
However now… no. Now something must be said. Frankly because I’m sick of swallowing it for the good of her… or the good of You… or the good of whomever, while allowing it to be a detriment to me.
I’m through sacrificing myself to keep You happy. That’s not my job anymore.
A line from the song I’m listening too while blogging today sorta says it all… as much as I hate to admit it. “Cause You know that I’m always all for You.” And up until about… an hour and a half ago… that was true. But not anymore. I can’t afford to be that way anymore.
Because I was finally slapped in the face with the fact that all this time… when we were together and even when we weren’t… when I was “all for You”… and wanted to see You happy… and did my damnedest to make You happy whenever I could… all this time… You never gave two halves a damn about whether or not I was happy in the process. It became very clear to me today that You would sit back and watch me hurt… and not do a thing about it… as long as You remained happy.
That’s not ok.
So, while I do want to see You happy… I’ve always wanted to see You happy… I always will want to see You happy… (That’s what love is… you remember that word, right?) I can’t keep hurting myself to perpetuate that happiness. I can’t smile and pretend like everything is ok when it’s not. You did some shady things… and You’re getting to reap the benefits of those things while I get to sit here and be hurt by it over and over and over again? No. Not anymore.
You can be happy however You choose to be.
Just leave me out of it.
*~* What If What I Want Makes You Sad *~*
Skin: Cleo 11 (Arctic; Clean Version) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Dolly Eyes (Blind) – By Snow
Hair: Sudden – Magika *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Eyeliner: Liner Pack 1 (3; Bold) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Face Makeup: Xclamation – Madrid Solo
Lips: Logan’s Run (Silver; Lips Only) – Madrid Solo
Whip Scars (Chest & Back): Whipped – Savage
Dress (Corset, Cage Skirt, & Ripped Leggings): Goth1c (Mod 1) – AD Creations *~*partial rigged mesh*~*
Hat: included with Dress – AD Creations
Boots: Mega Boots (Black) – TEN *~*rigged mesh*~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) – Slink *~*rigged mesh*~*
Nails Applier: Dark Set – Nailed It (Slink applier HUD & mesh nail capability!)
Necklace: Kabuki Necklace (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Bracelets: Kabuki Bracelets (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Left Hand Ring: Gigi Shimmer Bow – Maxi Gossamer *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Right Hand Ring: Roho – Maxi Gossamer *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Monroe Piercing: Diamond Monroe Piercing – envi
Poses: various from Fierce, Simple Woman, and Drama sets – *PosESioN*
Blogging Tune: “What If” – Safety Suit