You Wanted In, And Now You’re Here…

Let the Bodies hit the Floor…

*** Disclaimer: I am using the same base shape for all of these mesh bodies… my own regular shape.  Also, I am wearing the same skin, so that I can try to give as much of an objective look as possible.  That said, I know that TheShops Body is a beta concept… that’s why it’s free.  It’s not backwards compatible with third party skins yet, so I had to just color it as close as I could.  I’m also aware that TheShops Body comes with it’s OWN hands and feet, however, I chose to use the same hands and feet for ALL bodies… the Elegant hands in XS and the Mid feet in XS.  Some of the fit issues with hands and feet between my shape and TheShops body is because of this and can be fixed by using the free hands and feet available for that body, should you choose to use it.  I just wanted to be up front with all that before anyone made a comment about it.  ***

*** One final disclaimer: ALL THESE PHOTOS ARE RAW.  Nothing is touched up or repaired.  The only things done to these photos were that the individual bodies were copy pasted next to each other, and the bar of text was added over each to be sure that the bodies were easy to identify.  I took all these photos in CalWL, for anyone’s reference. ***

Alright.  So.  It appears that since GamerExpert Resident of Gamers Inc made the fitted mesh Perfect Bum, fitted mesh body parts have been all the rage.  You can change their appearances with your regular shape sliders and yet they have all the fluid, smooth lines of mesh that we crave.  Since then, I personally have seen the release of the WowMeh mesh body, TheShops mesh body beta concept, The Gamers Inc Perfect Body, and most recently the Slink Physique.  I do apologize that I was not able to fit the Perfect Body into this review, as I only was able to review and compare the mesh bodies I am in possession of… and right now, that is the WowMeh version 3.1, the Slink Physique, and TheShops mesh body beta concept.  I compare all three back to my original shape.

Also, I am going to release the numbers that I’m using for my shape sliders under the Body, Torso, and Legs tabs.  (Sorry, my face is unique to me and I will never release those numbers.)  This is because I want to make sure I am as openly transparent as possible during this review process.  IF YOU SKIPPED THE DISCLAIMER ABOUT THE HANDS AND SKIN I’M USING, PLEASE GO BACK AND READ THAT.

Body Slider Numbers:

• Height: 40
• Body Thickness: 25
• Body Fat: 10
• Hover: 51

Torso Slider Numbers:

• Torso Muscles: 35
• Neck Thickness: 40
• Neck Length: 45
• Shoulders: 25
• Breast Size: 65
• Breast Buoyancy: 40
• Breast Cleavage: 25
• Arm Length: 60
• Hand Size: 10
• Torso Length: 60
• Love Handles: 30
• Belly Size: 0

Legs Slider Numbers:

• Leg Muscles: 50
• Leg Length: 65
• Hip Width: 60
• Hip Length: 30
• Butt Size: 35
• Saddle Bags: 45
• Knee Angle: 50
• Foot Size: 0

Ok.  Now that all the logistics mumbo-jumbo is out of the way… let’s get into the comparisons and my opinions/impressions, shall we?

 

You can see some big differences right off the bat, yes?  The thing that draws my eye first is the hip size.  Now… my Hip Width is set at 60 and Hip Length is set at 30 in all these photos… but it’s interesting to see how the way each creator rigged their mesh interprets these numbers differently.

The other thing I see is that the fit between TheShops mesh body concept and slink hands and feet is atrocious.  (See the disclaimer before you make a comment about the hands and feet TheShops also sells.)  Backwards compatibility is a must to succeed in a market where people have already spent a lot of money on things they like… like their Slink hands, slink feet, slink shoes, slink nails, etc etc.  If you can’t provide compatibility, then you’re pretty much hosed.  I really hope that as this concept develops into further stages, it will fix this fit issue, much like the WowMeh body did.

The serious disappointment at this stage in the game, other than the lack of fit of the hands and feet to TheShops body is the total lack of hips on the Slink Physique body.  Even my original shape has some hip action going on… but it’s like the Physique just sucks all that definition out of them.  Take a look at the WowMeh and The Shops… they both manage to keep the wider hips while making them curve nicely into the torso size.

But!  I took pictures at more angles… so let’s see these bodies from the side, shall we?

 

Ok… now we start to see some more issues all around.  Note in the original shape where the stomach is just… flat.  That’s unappealing and unrealistic to me… but at the same time, I didn’t want to add to the belly size, as that widens the hips little too and expands the stomach at the bottom, around the hip/crotch area.  On the original SL avatar, there seems to be no way to get a little bit of curve there like what would be realistic in that relaxed, slightly slouched pose.

You see the same flat, unappealing line in the Slink Physique body too, as well as some pretty harsh bowing where the thigh meets the hip.  There is almost no difference in the bowing between the original shape and the Physique, except that the bow is actually LONGER and therefore more prominent, because it’s more rounded, rather than the jagged bow of the SL avatar.

The WowMeh proves to be a little bit of a disappointment as well.  While you start to see some definition in the torso, where it’s not just a flat straight line, you can also see that there’s some bowing where the thigh meets the hip as well.  While it’s not as harsh as the original shape or as pronounced and long as the Slink Physique, it doesn’t flow together in a nice, natural curve like we would want out of mesh.

What I’m SERIOUSLY impressed with at this angle is The Shops body concept… while we still have fitting and coloring issues you see that the torso has a nice subtle, realistic curve to it… and the bowing at the thigh is non-existant.  Also, what I’d like to point out as well is that in my original shape as well as the WowMeh and Slink Physique bodies, my avatar is relatively flat-chested… even with having the Breast Size set at 65.  Now, I’m sure I could tweak the Buoyancy a bit and perhaps fix that, but look at how The Shops body concept interprets the already existing numbers?  Them’s some perky boobs, right there, if I do say so myself!  The only thing is that I wish they were a bit… like… longer?  They look a little like I squished them, vertically, so they stick out more ‘pointy-like’ rather than just being large and resting naturally.

And yes, I know my hand is covering all the butts… because I took a picture from more of the back as well.

 

The butt seems to be a very distinct point of rigging for all of these bodies as well.  Each takes the same numbers and does something different with them.. and it’s definitely really intriguing to see what each rigging and each creator does.  (I think I said that already… it’s the meds… sorry.)

Other than the original SL shape, that gives me pancake-ass… *Chuckles*… I find myself the most disappointed, again, with the Slink Physique.  Perhaps it’s the way the underwear make it look… but I’ve seen all these bodies nude as well and I still have the same issues.  It’s like, what did the Physique do with all my currrrrrrrves?

I’m really digging on how the WowMeh interprets my shape numbers.  It keeps my ass short, reflecting the short Hip Length, but it keeps it… plump?  (God, I feel like I’m describing cuts of beef… I’m sorry… LOL.)  From the back I love the overall appearance of the WowMeh body and how it keeps the curves nice and smooth, while still preserving them.  It gives the overall curvy look that I was trying to go for, while giving me the smooth appearance that I would expect to get out of wearing a mesh body.  (And before anyone says that the WowMeh looks better because I made my shape with the WowMeh on… I actually made my shape with the Physique on…)

The only thing I’m not too thrilled about with TheShops body is that the hips are a bit longer… which gives me more of an appearance of “put on a few pounds and they went straight to my ass” rather than “delicious curves”… you know?  It looks less curvy and more… ‘bigger woman’.  However, that said, it distributes the weight really well, for as much as it adds.

Now… you know I couldn’t just look at this simple pose in “reviewing” bodies like this… it’s really easy for them to look all pretty when they aren’t having to do a lot.  Let’s look at what these bodies can really do in a less… composed… pose.

 

Alright.  Now.  Look at the torso/waists of all of these.  I’m disappointed in all of them, to be honest.  They all have the bowing.  And I can’t exactly decide if the original shape, WowMeh, and Slink Physique is worse… because they’re all jagged and pointy.  The Physique looks almost identical to my original shape, which defeats the purpose of using a mesh body, yeah?  I can’t decide if the WowMeh is worse or better… the bow goes inward more, in an attempt to smooth it out, but it still isn’t smooth at all.

TheShops is a bit smoother, and has a curve to it, instead of a jagged bow, but the curve isn’t the most realistic, so it’s still slightly disappointing.  Overall, I think the rigging on all these could be improved in the torso area.

The other thing I’d like to look at while we’re in this pose is the way the textures stretch and distort.  You can see how the texture stretches a little bit in my original shape, and it’s mimicked almost exactly in the Slink Physique.  The WowMeh has a little less distortion of the texture, as it follows the body curve.  The smoothest in this particular pose is TheShops, in my opinion… HOWEVER, the Shops body does not have the Glam Affair skin that the others do… so I can’t say for sure if the body itself truly distort the textures less, or if the texture itself is different enough that it looks smoother.

The fun part, though… and one of the most distinguishing factors of these different bodies… is to look at them all in this pose from the back.  You’ll really get to see how they handle texture distortion.

 

Good god, look at all this mess.  LOL.

I always hated the way the SL shape does weird stuff with the shoulder blades, and you can see it on my originally shape, and… once again… mimicked in the Physique.  In fact, if you look at my spine, the distortion is actually harsher on the Physique than it is on my original shape.

However, in my personal opinion, the curvature of the spine, in this pose, on the WowMeh is gorgeous.  There’s a curve to reflect the pose, but it’s not god-awful and harsh and weird at the bottom like my original shape and the Physique.  Also the shoulder blades have a much softer, more natural curve on the WowMeh with my particular shape than the Physique or my original shape.

The back of TheShops body is gorgeous as well, but without wearing the applier for the same skin, I can’t tell how much of it is actual quality of the mesh and the rigging and how much is just the texturing.

So…. my personal conclusion?

All in all, for me personally… the WowMeh mesh body is better made, better rigged, and interprets the shape numbers a lot more similarly to the original SL avatar shape.  I feel like the sliders will give realistic changes to the WowMeh, and that it does exactly what a mesh body is supposed to do… maintains your unique shape while smoothing out the harsher lines of a standard SL avatar.

The Shops body has some REAL potential, as long as it can get on board with backwards compatibility to third party skins, and can fix the fitting issue for people who want to use their Slink Hands and Feet.  Making your own feet that fit the Slink shoes is one thing… but unless they’re going to be compatible to stockings, tattoos, nails, etc etc, then it’s not going to satisfy the customer base.  Same with The Shops hands.  There’s a “Relaxed” set out now, but people love the individuality and versatility of so many styles of slink hands… and again you’ll have the issue of compatibility with nail polish and gloves and tattoos and such.  Unless you’re going to create a whole new system with some HUGE incentive to make a bunch of people jump ship and “come to the dark side”, so to speak, it’s not going to be good marketing strategy, in the long run, in my personal opinion.

I will say I’m extremely disappointed in the Slink Physique as a whole, in comparison to the other bodies, and even to the original SL avatar shape.  There were times that the Slink distorted WORSE than my original shape, and that makes me wonder why someone would pay L$1,250 to have the same problems they have now, and to worsen some of the other problems they have.  The other thing that disturbs me is that using shape sliders to adjust is going to be much more complex with the Physique, due to unrealistic rigging.  You saw how much the Physique flattened my breasts and my ass, when even my original shape had them at least slightly rounded with some meat on them.  However, this can work to the advantage of runway models in SL who need to be flatter chested and flatter assed on a regular basis… or for avatars who are looking for a skinnier appearance and not a more curvaceous one.

For my SL and for my purposes, I’m going to stick with my WowMeh, or whatever name it comes back as after the issues are sorted.  I love the way it fits me, I love how easy it is to work with, and I just love it all around.  However, I will keep an eye out for updates to the Physique, as this is the inaugural release and I’m sure will have a few bug fixes to come out in the future.  I will also keep a HEAVY eye on The Shops mesh body concept, to watch it move out of beta phases and see how it handles the marketing challenges it is currently facing.  I will definitely be interested to see how it fairs out.

If I come into possession of the Perfect Body from Gamers Inc, I have no issues with putting it right along side my original shape and my preferred WowMeh body and doing another one of these comparison/reviews.  And also, I hear talk that Belleza is working on (or maybe it’s released already?  I haven’t checked…) a body of their own… so if I come into possession of it, I will be happy to do a similar review.

I cannot promise to put ALL of them side by side… as that would be a bit insane.  But I would be willing to at least compare any additional bodies to the original SL Avatar shape and to my preferred WowMeh body.

I hope you guys enjoyed this, or found it informative or helpful in some way.  It’s not like me to do reviews or comparisons or anything of this nature, but with so many people in my SLife recently asking questions about the different mesh bodies, I figured why the hell not, right?

 

*~* You Wanted In, And Now You’re Here… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Lucy (Jamaica tone; Makeup 04; Red Brows) – Glam Affair
Body Skin (TheShops): “Skintone 20” via StyleMode Hud – TheShops
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Shimmer (Hud 02) – Magika Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands & feet): French Manicure Pastels – Nailed It
*The bra and panties on the “Original Shape” are ones that I made from a cheap template on Marketplace ages ago
*The bra and panties on the respective mesh bodies are the default underwear for that body

Outfit in the Intro/End Picture: Dimije Harem Girl (Red) – Soedara

Body #1 (Far Left): My original SL avatar shape, made by me
Body #2 (pictured 2nd): WowMeh 3.1 – WowMeh  * currently unavailable *
More information in the meantime can be found via the WowMeh website, here.
Body #3 (pictured 3rd): Physique – Slink
Body #4 (Far Right): #TheMeshProject Body concept – TheShops  * currently FREE; in beta *

Poses: 1st pose from IsoMotion; 2nd pose from Agapee

Location: My Build Pad

Blogging Tune: “Bodies” – Drowning Pool

Despite The Things I Give…

Now matter where I live
Despite the things I give
You’ll always be this way
Go go ahead and hate…

I’m really gonna try to be nice today.  I apologize in advance if that fails.

*** EDITED OUT ranty paragraph…. because everyone says stuff in the heat of the moment when they’re angry.  Doesn’t mean it has to stay there. ***

Alright.  Now that that’s over with.

It’s come to my attention that a few rumors have begun regarding a few things about me.  Let’s see if I can put those to rest, mmkay?

1.) No… doing the Colour of Couture finale bald was not a sympathy ploy.  It was a challenge for me… (*le gasp*  Challenging myself for a style challenge!  Never!) And it was the fulfillment of my Bid Me Bald time of 9 days, of which the CoC Finale was the 8th.  Did I purposely set a linden goal that would’ve had me bald for 8 days?  Yes.  My goal was to raise L$40,000 personally, in my kiosk, during Bid Me Bald.  And the ending total in my kiosk was L$40,501.  BUT… did I do it SPECIFICALLY for a “sympathy vote” from judges because I did both my finale stylings bald?  Hell no.  Charity is far more important to me than pixel-peoples’ opinions of me.  Come on now folks, you should know this by now.

2.) Honestly… I’m too fogged from meds to remember what the other rumor was that I wanted to address.  There’s still that ‘caring about cancer patients’ thing from the mouth of a designer that doesn’t seem to think before they speak… but I solved that problem simply by leaving their blogger group and refusing to support them.  *Chuckles*  Simple!  Problem solved!

I will just continue to exist in my little bubble here… bouncing around the grid in the company of some pretty awesome people who can accept me for who I am.

Getting rid of the toxicity in my life last week was extremely refreshing.  I’ve never been so low on groups before (by the time I was done purging, I was only a member of 27 out of 42 groups… just, damn!)  I’ve got time to organize another dance competition, this one in support of Relay for Life.  I can work on my dance for Design N Dance in peace.  I can just generally exist in a positive environment and not be so stressed out all the time.

It’s pretty amazing that as “harsh” as Gor is, I find my solace here.  It’s the fashion community that was harsher than any Gorean city/village I’ve ever been in.  So, good riddance!  And bring on the roleplay!

Oh, and the fighting.  That’s pretty fun too.  I fully admit to being trigger-happy… errr… well… blowgun/slingshot-happy.

Will have more tales of my adventures in Gor soon!

*~* Despite The Things I Give… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Sigrid (January; Brown brows; Cleavage) – Glance Skins
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Meadow (Hud 02) – Magika Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands): Dark Set (Red) – Nailed It
Red/Black Eyeliner: S.Eyeliners M4 (Red) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipstick: Glossy Pout Lipstick (Red; Dark variation) – Pink Fuel
Gown & Gloves: Eliza Gown (Gold) – Vogue
Jewelry Set (excluding nosechain): Lasya Necklace, Earrings, Ring (Right) – Lazuri
Nosechain: Nosechain (Dina; Gold) – Rhapsody Designs

Poses: various from the Rinoa set from PosESioN

Location: Home of the Unknown
* not linking it because this is a fully in-character Gorean roleplay sim… not a photo sim or somewhere you can just pop into!

Blogging Tune: “Hate On Me” (Cover) – Glee

I Want My Words To Speak For Themselves…

You gave me a place to be.
To fit.
To exist.

Not that I really need to give Alisha another reason to cry… but as I was watching the video that is the “Tune” for this blog, I started thinking a lot about Sos… and the Youtuber who made the video… and my life in general.  So I apologize for the scattered thoughts… and the tears this may cause some… but I really need to say all that’s here.  Whether it makes sense to all or none… many or few… it needs to be said.

Maybe it’s the impending farewell party for Sos tomorrow looming over me like a playground bully that’s making me super emotional.

Maybe it’s the unexpected turns my life has taken that’s making me weak.

I don’t really know.

But what I do know, is that I went looking today to catch up on a few things I’d missed recently.  And one of them was this crazy-ass girl.  Some crazy Youtuber I started following 3 years ago.

Oh, her name?  Jenna Marbles.

And when I started following her, I used her videos as an escape.  An escape from everything.  Life is/was so serious for me… all the time.  And this crazy girl on Youtube who just seemed to give no fucks?  It was freeing to me.  Maybe that makes me a horrible person who was living vicariously through someone else… or maybe it was what saved my life… feeling like I was finally free to be myself.

Because, hell, if this goofball could do it on Youtube in front of 13 million subscribers… I think I’m safe to just be me in front of 500 or 600 people in my life in SL… and 20-30 people in my life in RL…

But it seems lately that I’ve needed this validation from other people… that the things I feel I need and the things I feel I want are ok.  I needed Chance to force my decision to submit… well, not force… but I needed to know that He saw it as ok before I gained the courage to do so.  2 years, it took.  2 years.  And He tells me all the time that maybe it was better, because there were people in His life at the time that may have made it impossible for me to stay around… but every time He tells me He would’ve taken my collar back then, too, I have to ask myself, “Am I coming to the culmination of where I am supposed to be in my life… and did I really waste two years wondering what if instead of just taking the leap to get here?”

Maybe that’s why I’m so scared to lose Sos… Just like Chance had to loom over me and offer the opportunity to submit and be at His feet for me to see it ask ok to feel like I wanted, or even needed, it… Sos has always been there to tell me that my slavery and my submission are ok.  It’s ok to feel the way I feel.  It’s ok to be who I am and do what I do.  And when I choose to exist in the prejudicial, judgmental, cut-throat, fake, materialistic community like the SL Fashion Community… where it’s a daily struggle of am I doing this “right”… am I suiciding my career by saying this about myself… am I going to lose a job because of putting this statement in my profile… where I’m constantly looking over my shoulder to see what back-stabbing diva-faced bitch is going to try and ruin me today…  when I CHOOSE (yes, I’m acknowledging that it’s my choice) to exist in this community… then coming to Sos as an escape and having a community full of people who can look at me and say, “Hey… who you are is just fine with me… it may not be who I am, and you and I may do things differently… but who you are is just fine, as long as it works for you.”  You have no idea how amazing of a feeling it is… especially when Fashion just beats you so low…

And as I watched this video, and read Jenna’s words… I realized… why am I seeking this validation from other people?  The novelty of me wore off a long time ago.  I stopped being a “new” model a long time ago… at some point, when you stop being new, and you stop being this up and coming name to watch, because people want to see if you make something of yourself and become one of the great ones… or fall on your face, affording them the opportunity to kick you while you’re down (because they all love that) and laugh at you for thinking you could make it.  When you stop being “up and coming” and just start to be another face in the crowd, then you have a choice to make.

Do you push to become something great by compromising everything that you are as a person in order to become who they want you to be?

Do you continue to try to be yourself in a community that denies individual creative expression when it should be championing it, and end up fading away as a “failure”?

Or do you stand up, refuse to be anything less than who you are, and walk away from something that has the moral consistency of the devil himself?

You see… your morals can’t exist in the Fashion Community… they just can’t.  You have to sit back every day and watch someone get fucked over because of who they know or who they don’t.  You have to watch castings and competitions governed by politics, instead of by who has the most talent.  You have to watch people who can’t skin match to save their life, can’t prim edit, can’t walk a runway without falling off, and yet they get ahead simply because of who they are or who they know.  You have to watch this.  And if you aren’t willing to stoop to that level, then you can never be greater than who you are on your own.  Because they’ll never accept you.  You refuse to be one of them, so you will remain on the outside.  Without fail.  Every time.  Always.

Or, you yourself will be dropped in order for someone else to get ahead.  I know.  That happened to me.  And I can tell you, it broke my heart to listen to that person lie through their teeth at me, only to receive a promotion one month later within a company they had confided in me didn’t want to work with me.  “Just stick with me,” she said.  “People will see you working with me and will see you are not the things they say.”  Though she never told me what they say.

Not that I care now anymore anyway.

So after I sat at Sos at the waterfall, which has been my safe place for 3 years now, taking a few pictures and thinking about things, Chance IMs me.  I immediately freak out a bit because I’m adjusting my camera for a picture and I was afraid He was about to force TP me.  But He asked, “What are you doing, mine?”  (*Shivers*  I love when He calls me “mine”.)  I let Him know I was thinking… and taking pictures.  Immediately He wants to see Sos.

“Show me this place that you will miss so much.”

I tp’d Him, and He tp’d His partner… and I spent some time showing them the sim… explaining the different discussions… relaying stories… trying not to cry.  And then it hit me… like a semi truck to the face.  I’ve had realizations like this before but I’ve never actually acted on them… but this time was different.

I am right where I’m supposed to be.

I am in His collar… roleplaying in Gor… working on being more active in dancing again… working on coming back to facilitating in D/s and M/s educational sims again… working on making my own store… blogging more frequently where I can be myself and style and write what I please… and all of these things make me happy.

The only thing that makes me miserable… is the SL Fashion Community.

And so… all of this to say… I’m done.

I know some of you expected to see me first in line to submit a picture for the MVW June entries… I made it to a live audition last year and was devastated when I didn’t make it farther… but I’m just… done.  I’m done sitting in a judgmental community with zero morality among most individuals who make up its “upper echelon” and wondering why hard work doesn’t pay off anymore.  Pffft.  Anymore… who am I kidding… it never does, in the long run… not in this community.  Again, if you won’t be who they want you to be by compromising who you are as a person, it will never pay off for you.

And I’m just not into being anything different than who I am to satisfy a bunch of people who think they’re important in a pixel world.

I’ve made a decision.  I will stay with 2 of the agencies that I’m affiliated with… one of which because they do charity work and I appreciate that greatly and want to continue to support that… and the other because they’ve always supported creative expression of the individual self and pushing the envelope… things that I personally fall in line with.

I will also continue to blog for brands who have graced me with a space in their blogger group, as I would not have applied if I did not like their aesthetic… and blogging is where I can personally express my style in MY OWN WAY.

Finally, I will (obviously) continue my work and support of/with Relay For Life of Second Life.

Everything else… can frankly kiss my ass.

I am who I am.  I am a woman.  I am a slave.  I am a Gorean Dancer.  I am a roleplayer.  I am a chemo patient.  I am bipolar.  I am an insomniac.  I am often way too emotional.  I tend to (used to) care way too much about what other people think of me.  I connect deeply to things/people.  I define my life mostly in music.  I speak better through music than I do through words, sometimes.  I suffer from Alexithymia (hence my blog is titled after it.  Don’t know what it is?  Google it, or find my blog post about it.)  I am Danielle.  I am Tivi.  I am me.

I can be no other.  I can be no more.  I can be no less.

If you can accept that, then we’re cool… I can be your friend.  And never a fiercer friend will you find.

But if you can’t accept me for who I am… if you can’t see me as an individual person with my own beliefs, values, dreams, needs, and desires… if you can’t see that… then I certainly hope you can see my middle finger in the air and my ass as I walk away from you.

*~* I Want My Words To Speak For Themselves… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Celine (Natural; Freckles; Cleavage) – Aimi Skins  ** new release! **
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: West Coast (Reds) – Little Bones
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Flat) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands & feet): Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Chest Harness/Padlock Armbands/Black Skirt: Chained Beast (Black) – Silks Worms
Pasties: Here Comes Wicked Of The Dark – Soedara
Veil & Circlet: Elysian Tiamat Veil (Black) – Soedara
Collar: Filligree Collar (Meshed) – Xanimations
Ankle Bells: Belled Kajira Anklet (Silver) – Southern Charm  ** LIGHT bell sound; volume adjustable **
Right Eye Scar: Scar Tissue Eye (Light) – Soedara
Blowgun (on right hip): Aya Brumby Blowgun – Primus Weapons
Slingshot/Belt: Bone Slingshot – Primus Weapons
Claws: Kin’ai Claws – Primus Weapons

Pose: random ground sit from one of my Vista Animations AO’s

Location: Solace of Submission D/s Academy (Top of the Waterfall)

Blogging “Tune”: Jenna Marbles’ 200th Video

You Gotta Walk A Mile To Get Outta My Head…

Lay me down in darkness
Tell me what you see
Love is where the heart is
Show me I’m the one, Tell me I’m the one that You need…

Alright.  I’ve been REALLY into hats and headpieces and other such creative forms of expression that you can wear on your head ever since my first serious gacha event that I went to… The Secret Affair, which was themed to Game of Thrones.  Now, I’ve never really WATCHED Game of Thrones… like… ever… however, the Alchemy headdresses (particularly Hear Me Roar) and the Ultra Rare headdress that came with the Aisling set just completely floored me.  I used to hate hats and other things like that, because I hated editing them around my hair.

But after seeing what finely crafted hats and headpieces look like… totally worth finding the hair to work with it when I’m in the mood for it.

Ever since then, I’ve scoured gacha events looking for creators like Aisling, Alchemy, Luas, May’s Soul, MeshedUp and others who put out sets with amazing headpieces.  Most of the time, unless I really like the full set, I don’t care if I complete the set… I just want the hat/headpiece.  Lol.

And then I started to seek out other creators that I loved to see what sort of headpieces they made… Finesmith is one I’m totally guilty of buying from several times when I was in the mood for a headpiece.  Yula’s really made all sorts from simple to complex, light to dark, free-spirited boehmian to high-fashion haute couture.  I can normally find whatever I need there, and she’s usually where I start.

So OF COURSE I had to go to the Art in Hats event and look at the hats and headpieces she’d created.  With Fashion For Life closing, I wanted to blog a gorgeous creation from Miamai and I needed the perfect hat/headpiece for it.  Finesmith never fails to deliver.

I’ve been totally frustrated during this Fashion For Life blogging process, because there’s a jewelry set I’ve REALLY wanted to blog, but until unboxing this Miamai dress, I hadn’t found a good color scheme to match the jewelry set from Moondance Boutique.  And while looking at the notecard, I’ve seen that I’m supposed to be able to click the necklace to change the colors of the jewelry set, I couldn’t seem to get the thing to work.  I’m sure there’s some simple step I’m missing and its entirely operator error on my part… lol.  I think I’ve seen other FFL bloggers change the colors, so I’m sure it’s just med fog for me.

There are days when I’m not smarter than the technology I’m trying to operate.  It’s totally normal.  But yay!  I found a dress to blog the jewelry with!  So it might be ‘late’… i.e. the last day of Fashion For Life, but I did it darn it!  *Giggles*

Sorry… it’s the first day I haven’t felt really nauseous for most of the day, so I’m overly excited.

For those who haven’t really followed my story, last week, I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome… sometimes shortened to Myelodysplasia… otherwise known as pre-leukemia.  It was what my grandfather had… and so I really wasn’t surprised.  Apparently genetics and environment play a part in this stuff, so the fact that my grandfather had it made sense that I did.  My doctors agreed that they want to do more ‘aggressive’ chemotherapy, by combining two of the common chemo drugs to try and combat the syndrome.  I have a higher risk of more serious side effects this way, but I also have a higher chance of going into remission.  I could’ve opted for lower doses of one of the drugs and prolonged the inevitable, but I would’ve had a lower chance of actually reaching remission.

Being 24 years old, I’d like to try for remission as much as I can… even if the whole things scares the living daylights out of me.

My first treatment was this past Tuesday and… Christ.  I hate throwing up anyway… but the nausea is ridiculous.  I’m told, though, that if you don’t sleep at least 7-8 hours the night before your treatment, that you have a higher chance of being sick for longer afterwards.  In my anxiety dreading what was going on, I might’ve been sent to bed in enough time to get 7-8 hours of sleep, but I’d be shocked if I got 5.  Tossing and turning… crying… trying to ward off panic attacks.  Normally I’d hate to admit this stuff, since normally I would consider it a sign of weakness… but as I’m slowly starting to learn the hard way, it is perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable to be scared out of your mind.

Some of the strongest people I know have gone through this… and were scared.  My own grandfather gave up.  It was too much for him.  But he was older and was just… done.  He’d had a full, wonderful life.  Me?  Lord, I’m 24 years old.  I’m scared as hell!

I’m starting to feel a bit more normal today… able to stomach more than peanut butter sandwiches and raspberry tea… lol.  I was lectured about needing to eat, even when I don’t feel like I can/need to.  I’m still really bad at that part.  Mostly because I’m just afraid to get nauseous and sick again.

Have I mentioned I REALLY hate getting physically ill?

So… yeah… to the Designer who insinuated at the beginning of Fashion For Life that myself and a few others don’t care about cancer patients… I would advise you to figure out who you’re actually talking to before making accusations like that.  I would like to think that I care for myself.  And I would like to think that I cared for my godparents, my aunt, my grandfather… I’d even like to think that I care for my step-father.  Caring for people is what I DO.  (Which is another reason why this sucks so much for me… learning how to ask for help…)

This is my story.  This is part of Why I Relay.

*~* You Gotta Walk A Mile To Get Outta My Head… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Sigrid (January; Ginger Brows; Cleavage) – Glance Skins
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Honey (Reds w/ Roots) – Truth Hair  ** Recent Release! **
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands): Autumn Nights Set (Purple) – Nailed It
Gown: Shae Gown – Miamai  @ Fashion For Life  ** closes @ midnight SLT! **
Jewelry: Sayuri Jewelry Set – Moondance Boutique  @ Fashion For Life  **closes @ midnight SLT! **
* Full set includes Necklace, Earrings, Bracelets, Rings, Prim Nails, & Slink attachment nails for Elegance 1 hands
Headdress: Piece of Heaven – Finesmith  @ Art in Hats

Poses: various from Agapee

Location: Dance Gardens of Gor

Blogging Tune: “Lay Me Down” – Avicii Ft. Adam Lambert

You Touch Me, And I’m Like…

You’re my Wildfire every single night
We are alive
And the stars make love to the universe…

This is an open letter.  If you don’t like real feeling, I’d suggest you stop reading now…

You joked with me about my last post about Gor not saying enough about You… and that’s because this one was meant to be only about/for You.  Of course, now I have to question the merit of writing it.  Will it all fall on deaf ears?  Perhaps.  Perhaps I’m better off speaking to the wallpaper in Your home.  I’m not sure.

But there’s nothing else I can do but try.

Two years ago, I met this crazy-ass slave in a camp that most people made fun of… Attacrappy… Pasta Pirates… you name it, we were called it.  During a routine sim restart after a particularly laggy raid, I was store hopping and shopping a little bit, and I happened to reveal to this slave that I’d never really had ‘family’ in SL… let alone in Gor.  Her response?  “I’m officially claiming you as my twin!  You’re mine!”  And ya know… with very little modifications to either of us, we could pass as twins.  We could’ve passed as twins even if we weren’t roleplaying that way.

So through this twin, I met a few friends of hers.. this Free Woman and her… Intense… Companion.  That’s really the only word I have for You… intense.  It’s definitely not a bad thing, before You get upset.

That’s how it all started… It’s not often You run into a legitimately Gorean Man in Gor Evolved… most of them just want to pew pew, and don’t want to rp.  And if they do want to roleplay, it’s because they want to rape someone or kill them.  There’s not a lot of creativity in GE… at least, there wasn’t back then.  But You were different.  Your roleplay was always unique.  You were intriguing.

But I could already sense, even before You’d told me, that Your Companion had a way of running off slaves… so I didn’t really try to get involved, plus I was Owned at the time, at least for a little while.  When I was released and became a camp slave… that is when I thought I’d dance for the two of You… and put all my worries about Her in the back seat, and just see what happened.

In the end, I did the dance… but I punked out on the submission part… and I just tp’d out like that’s all I wanted… kicking myself in the ass the whole time.

Shortly after that, I left Gor for 2 years.  Whether that was motivated by my chickening out or not, I’ll never really know.  I try not to think about it.

Fast forward two years and here I am, slowly taking steps back into Gor again, and come across You in a raid.  I never intended to ask You to take me as a cap… but the more my camp whined about y’all “cheating” and the more they cried every time they lost… I just needed an escape… just an hour of good RP and an excuse to close out of group chat and stop the complaining.  You hadn’t planned on taking a cap, with all the trouble they’d put y’all through, but thankfully, You asked where I was and came back in for me, hauling me off in binds.

Five hours later, while my camp was “too busy” to come for me, You offered me a choice to submit to You… and I did.  Maybe that was what I’d needed all along, was You looming over me and, in a way, letting me know that submitting to You was ok… that it was something You were at least thinking about.  Maybe that was why I’d gotten scared 2 years ago.  But having had my binds cut free and being told to nadu and submit properly, I did… and I don’t think it’s ever felt so thrilling to have steel come across my neck like that.

But now?  Now I’m torn.  Your Companion, who is apparently OOCly Your best friend and that is all, because she’s ENGAGED in RL… has been hell-bent on making me feel not welcomed in Your collar… even to the point of camping out within chat range any time You attempt to engage in RP with me… INCLUDING that first night.  Yes, I’m not sure if you noticed, but immediately upon entering the sim the night You had me captured, she was standing on the ground above the tunnels, directly above us, within chat range, spying on what You were doing.  I don’t do well with people spying on private roleplay… I just don’t.

So do I feel welcomed?  Not really.  Do I feel like I’m where I belong?  I don’t know… I’d LIKE to think I’m where I belong… because I’d like to think that I’ve not spent two years wondering “what if” for nothing… but at every turn there’s one or more people/events showing me just how much I don’t belong… or how much they don’t want me to.  And when I come to You… hurt and broken down all over again… my pain falls on deaf ears.

“Well, what else would you have wanted me to say?”

Something.  Anything that a Gorean Man would have done.  Instead, here I sit, finding myself in silence… Her having successfully run me off again and You off God knows where.

Maybe this is just another instance where You fail to realize how much I care… and so You treat it like it’s less than it is.  Maybe You just don’t understand, and reading this will help You to understand better.  Maybe.

The choice, ultimately, is Yours… Am I actually to be welcomed?  Am I where I belong?

Because I am right here… I have been right here… I will be right here… the real question is are You going to choose to see me, or are You going to continue to overlook my submission to You and treat it like it’s nothing.

The choice is Yours.  As it should be.

*~* You Touch Me, And I’m Like… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Celina (Natural; Freckles; Cleavage) – Aimi Skins  **New Release June 20th! **
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Thoughtful (Hud 02) – Magika
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands & feet): Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations  (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Camisk: Cute Ankles (Black; PG version) – Luas  *Discontinued*
Body Straps: Panache (Black) – Silk Worms
Leg Warmers: Wenda Warmers (Black) – Luas
Upper Arm Padlock Bracelets: Chained Beast Armbands (from Chained Beast in Black) – Silk Worms
Cheek Piercing: Single Jewels Cheeks (Bonus from Inque set @ Dark Style Fair) – the HV
Right Eye Scar: Scar Tissue Eye (Light) – Soedara
Collar: Filligree Collar (Meshed) – Xanimations
Blowgun (on Hip): Aya Brumby Blowgun – Primus Weapons
Claws: Kin’ai Claws – Primus Weapons

Poses: various from PosESioN (Photos 1 & 2)
* The pose for Photo 3 is an animation built in to the collar

Location: Dance Gardens of Gor

Blogging Tune: “Empire” – Shakira

Sweeter Than Heaven and Hotter Than Hell…

Louder than Sirens
Louder than Bells
Sweeter than Heaven
And hotter than Hell…

Ok, I can’t lie… sometimes I shock myself when something comes out the way I want it to.  And this headshot came out even better than I’d hoped it would.  Lol.

Anyway… I’m already distracted… this isn’t a good sign.  LOL.

Some of you already have found out because you profile creep me in-world (I’m flattered, btw) that I’ve taken steps back into Gor to roleplay.  Why?  Honestly?  I was bored with my SL… again… and I wanted a change of pace.  I’d missed Gor since I left 2 years ago… I just never really had a reason to go back… and for the last year or so, I’d been wasting my time in a relationship with a condescending, verbally abusive douchebag (Yeah… filter… there is none today…) who didn’t really know what Gor was, wasn’t really interested in it, and probably wouldn’t have survived if I’d tried to take Him in there.  Hell, there are days I wonder if I’LL survive it… then again, the situation and the camp I’ve gotten myself into are pretty intense.

But I love it.  And damn I missed it.

And I tell you what… it’s nice to raid with a group of fighters that actually know what they’re doing… it pushes me to get better.  Now, if I could survive more raids without being downed by my own people, I’d start to feel like a more productive member of a raiding party.  Haha.

But I mean, I get it.  There are people that group-hop around Gor just trying to get “in” with the “cool kids”, so groups have to be really careful about who they give tags two and who they let within their ranks.  So while it can be frustrating to go into raids completely deaf, as I don’t have group chat or vent… and it can be absolutely infuriating to be downed by a member of the people I’m trying to help, because I don’t have a group tag and they forget I’m with them… I can still understand where they’re coming from.  So I wait.  And I try to do as much as I can as best I can.

I think things are turning around, though.  I managed to survive a raid in Vydarr yesterday without getting downed by my own people.  LOL.  Silver lining!

Honestly, though, the biggest question people close to me keep asking is, “Are you happy?”  And the answering, to be completely open and transparent… is yes, I am.  It’s nice to be in a roleplay environment again, and there’s always something new and interesting to do.  Storylines are constantly changing… and with a group like the one I run around with that likes to fight a lot, there’s usually always an opportunity to take a captive and roleplay them if I’m in the mood.  Which then sorta forces a rescue, which affords the opportunity to potentially end up taken for a completely different rp if they win and feel like taking caps to force a rescue of their own.

Before when I was in Gor, it seemed like a lot of it was “Cap, rape, repeat” and that was a lot of the reason I left.  While there’s still a lot of that, depending on who you’re around and who you get capped by, I find it a lot less this go-round.

That’s encouraging.  Perhaps people have gotten more creative.  😛

Heck, the first time I was capped and was taken for roleplay, myself and my Captor sat on the floor in the middle of the tavern and gossiped about men the whole time.  That was an incredibly fun roleplay.  Then an hour later (when my cap time was up), my group rescued me and I got to go home.  (That experience was at Vydarr, btw.  Definitely highly recommended… lots of good, creative roleplayers out that way.)

While some experiences are good, some are not so much.  Toxavia raided the first camp I was with (more on why I’m not with them anymore in a moment), I got taken by a man named Raven.  Raven brings me back to their camp and hands my leash over to someone from that camp I know named Bean.  I was actually looking forward to the rp, because Bean has been teaching me more about fighting, since I’m super rusty with all my weapons, but I’d never actually rp’d with Him before.  Of course, Ghosts were raiding and in their true style of douchebaggery, their leader Sahale comes storming into the building I’d just been dragged into and downs Bean and myself.  Bean tries telling them, “Look, Raven just brought her home.  We’re not in the raid… we were just about to rp…” and Sahale kinda runs out in the middle of that and Ghosts decide not only to ruin that rp for the moment, but then to take Bean, so the rp never happened.  Next thing I know, I’m being tp’d to a different sim by Raven and when we finally are safe to come back to Toxavia, He passes me off to his Companion because He’s got RL He needs to get ready for.  (I suspect that’s why He wanted to give me to Bean in the first place.)  Either way, I’m a paragraph roleplayer, so it takes me a bit to type… and when I took 4 minutes to type a paragraph to this woman, she gets all pissy, throws me in a cage and goes OOC on me, bitching that I’m obviously not replying to her because her Companion gave me to her.  *Flat faces*  Really?  I about rp banned the woman for being a bitch… but I wasn’t really up for adding a name to my ‘clean slate’ so soon after my return to Gor.  I’d just prefer to not rp with her again.

So yeah… some experiences are awesome, like my rp at Vydarr… and others are not so awesome, like my pass-around experience at Toxavia.

And sometimes… people are just dicks in general and decide it’s an awesome idea to abandon one of their own.  I started out as a member of DSO (Dark Sword Outlaws)… I was REALLY iffy about joining them in the beginning, because back when I was in Gor 2 years ago, DSO was a joke.  Couldn’t fight for shit… their camp was one giant fishbowl… and whenever they did lose, Deth would do nothing but whine and cry about how something wasn’t fair.  But I decided to give it a shot this go-round and see what it was about.  After all, they raided a lot, and that was what I’d really wanted to try again… with my new computer, I was curious how well fighting would work out.

Not 3 or 4 days after I’d joined the camp, DSO decides to help on a rescue at Vydarr.  Yay!  One of my favourite camps!  I went along because I figure best case scenario the rescue would be successful… and worst case scenario, we’d lose and I might be kept for some decent rp again.  Well while I’m working my way through the tunnels and trying not to have my ass handed to me by a couple of really awesome melee fighters, I see in local chat Deth shouting for all DSO to tp out of this “shit place”.  I asked in Vent what was going on and all Deth said was they started insulting him in OOC.  I asked what they said, if he had copies of local, etc etc, and all he would say is, “I don’t know, they just did!”  I don’t tp out of a fight unless there’s good reason, and I didn’t consider “I don’t know, they just did” to be good reason… plus it looked like they were going to sail me anyway, so I didn’t tp out.  I’m dragged on the dock and then right before I’m sailed, I’m dragged up to camp.  Looked like I was going to get rp, which was fine with me.  I warned them that DSO probably wouldn’t come for a rescue because Deth was being butthurt, and they seemed ok with it.  Then I got sailed anyway, to ‘avoid drama’ with DSO.  Mistake #1: You fucked with my roleplay.

Then, shortly afterwards, Unks decide to raid DSO.  THOSE were some blast from the past names, let me tell you.  And I didn’t even realize that an old friend of mine was in the raiding party until I put a couple rocks in his ass.  All I see is “Direct hit on Chance Firebrand” and I went, “Chance is here?!”  Somewhere in the middle of the raid, Deth starts crying (imagine that) that someone stole keys from someone in a bubble, when DSO rules say you have to bind first, then steal keys.  Deth demanded a redo.  I was shocked that Unks agreed, but they did.  And when Unks rolled DSO again, Deth and the rest of DSO were STILL crying about cheating… and how they’d obviously screwed up the first raid on purpose so that they could wait for us to tp out to reset out meters and then run in and not let us all get back, etc etc.  I’d had enough of the whining and went into Chance’s IMs asking Him to take me… get me out of the insanity for a little bit…  I don’t think they had planned on taking anyone, but Chance ran back in and got me (Thank God!) and I had some good roleplay.

Now… with raiding being as ridiculous as it is, I could understand not being rescued right when my cap time was up (1 hour after I was taken)… I could see it being 2 hours, maybe even 2 1/2 or 3… but after 5 hours of being capped, when not even so much as 1 person showed up on the dock to check and see if I was still alive or if Chance had killed me (He DOES hold the Executioner tag for a reason, y’all)… and my comments in group chat about a rescue were ignored… yeah.. it was safe to say that when opportunity to submit to Chance and leave DSO was offered, I gladly took it.

It was definitely not how I’d envisioned that night going… but am I upset it happened?  Not at all.

And thus begins my adventures back into Gor… I might relay a bit of my journey here when I’m in need of something decent to write about for a post here and there.  🙂  Stay tuned, hey?

*~* Sweeter Than Heaven and Hotter Than Hell… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Sigrid (January; Ginger Brows; Cleavage) – Glance Skins
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Colbie (Reds 02) – Truth Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands & feet): Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Strapped Bodysuit: Asphyxia Bodysuit – AdN
Body Ropes: Dely Camisk (Blacks; wearing Ropes only) – Luas
Arm & Leg Warmers: Destroyer (Black) – Luas
Shoulder Armor: Asphyxia Shoulder Armor – AdN
Veil/Facemask: Elysian Tiamat Veil (Black) – Soedara
Foot Jewelry: Oriental Black Jewelry – Pure Poison  (Past Gacha)
Collar: Filligree Collar (Meshed) – Xanimations
Belt/Slingshot: Bone Slingshot w/ Belt Sheath – Primus Weapons
Thigh Band/Blowgun: Jasmine Blowgun w/ Thigh Sheath – Primus Weapons
Claws: Kin’ai Claws – Primus Weapons

Poses: various from Agapee

Location: Home of the Unknown
* not linking it because this is a fully in-character Gorean roleplay sim… not a photo sim or somewhere you can just pop into, but I still wanted to credit the gorgeous sim build.

Blogging Tune: “Drumming Song” – Florence & The Machine

I Can’t Even Breathe…

Baby why’d you leave me, why’d you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I’ll never know
I can’t even breathe…
It’s like I’m looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody’s saying He’s not coming home now
This can’t be happening to me…
This is just a dream…

From the time that I was 10 years old, I can remember being incredibly concerned about who was going to walk me down the aisle some day.

I know I’ve told some of you this story too, but it’s another one I just need to get off my chest today.

From the time that I was 10 years old, the courts I guess thought I was old enough to make the decision about whether or not I wanted to continue regular, every-other-weekend visitation with my father… and I’d said no, I wanted to stop.  I don’t remember what my major motivating factors were, but I remember feeling incredibly unimportant to my father at the time, and so I probably just throught he didn’t want to be around me and decided to no longer be in his way.

Funny how I still feel that with people… and that’s still my reaction…

But when I stopped visiting dad, he was mad.  Started saying with was my mother’s fault, etc etc.  It was just like he really hated my mom.  And I remember sitting in the garage one day with a very concerned look on my face and looking to my mom and asking, “Mom, can I ask you a serious question?”

She looked a little shocked.  What in the world could 10-year-old me have wanted to ask that was so serious?  Honestly, I think she was just praying it wasn’t something like ‘Where do babies come from?’  But she said sure.

“Who’s going to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?”

She looked… confused?  Shocked?  Dismayed?  The fact that I even had to ask was apparently a bit of a blow to her.  Even at 10 years old, I remember being able to see a sense of failure on her face.  At that moment, she probably blamed herself that I even had to ask.  Instead, she covered it up and asked, “What do you mean?”

I went on, still clearly very concerned about this issue, to tell her, as matter-of-factly as I could, “Well, dad hates you, and I guess that means he hates me too.  What if he doesn’t come to my wedding?  How can he walk me down the aisle if he’s not at my wedding?”

I remember distinctly that my mother started to cry.  She knew the very strained relationship that I held with my step-father… what with the verbal and physical abuse and all… and so she knew I still held out hope for my dad to do that sort of ‘special’ thing.  As well I should!  He’s my father!  That’s every (mostly) little girl’s dream!  To grow up and marry an amazing man in the wedding of her dreams and be given away by her father.

After she sniffed a few times to hide that she’d been crying (unsuccessfully, I might add), she said, “Well, baby… I’m sure your dad will be there, regardless of how he feels about me, he still loves you very much.  He would want to be there for his babygirl.”  A few more sniffs.  It was like she assumed because I was 10, I didn’t comprehend human emotion.  *Chuckles*  But then she added, “But if for whatever reason he doesn’t show up… your grandpa could do it.  I think he’d like that.”

And from that moment, I was sold.  It was my new dream.  To grow up, marry an amazing man in the wedding of my dreams, and have my father or my grandfather give me away.  Heck if they were both there, why couldn’t BOTH of them do it?!  Throughout all the fighting my mom and dad went through from then on, that was what kept me holding on to hope of some semblance of a family…

Some day I’ll get married, and for that one day, everyone will smile and get along… because it’s my day, and that’s what I want.  My dad and/or grandpa will give me away, the man will be amazing, and for that one day, things will be perfect again.

Sitting here now, first of all, I have to wonder where the hell this amazing man is supposed to be!  Lol.  But on a more serious note… I’ve lost both my father and my grandfather.  And sometimes, the thing that makes that fact the most real is when I randomly sit here and come to the same realization over and over again…

I have no idea who will walk me down the aisle, if/when I ever get married.

It’s like I’m 10 years old again.  Scared to death because I have no idea… and broken-hearted because my dream can’t come true.

*~* I Can’t Even Breathe… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Maya (Natural; Freckles) – Aimi
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Haruka (True Red; manually tinted darker) – Argrace
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands): French Manicure Pastels Set – Nailed It
Eyeshadow: Romy Eyes Makeup Color Line (color 6) – Glam Affair
Dress: Bridal Gown (White) – Schoen  @ Fashion For Life (100% Donation)
Jewelry Set: Lasya Complete Set (ring & anklets not shown) – Lazuri

Poses: Amour 1 – PosESioN (Photo 2)
* I made the pose myself used in photos 1 and 3

Location: My Home

Blogging Tune:  “Just a Dream” – Carrie Underwood

You Can Let Go Now, Daddy…

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go…
Oh, I think I’m ready to do this on my own…
It’s still a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now Daddy…
You can let go.

I’ve tried not to leave the computer room more often than I’ve had to today.  I know that’s a weird statement to make… but trust me, in my head, it makes sense.

You see, when I leave the computer room, I eventually have to come back… and when I come back, my father’s urn is right there in plain view.  The computer room seemed to be an appropriate place to keep him… I’m in here a lot so he’s always close by… and he was very computer savvy.  He’s the reason that I have the very limited knowledge of programming that I do (and the inspiration to pursue a bit of the knowledge that I gained from Sir Zak).  But yeah… leaving the room means I’m faced with his urn… and I just… can’t look at it today.

The last time I got up to leave the computer room, I made an unnecessary run to Dollar General… I was avoiding looking at it that desperately.

I just didn’t know how much I’d miss him, I guess.  I mean, he was predominantly absent for the important parts of my life that have passed… He didn’t go to a lot of performances or anything when I was in high school… and I was involved in A LOT, so there were several opportunities.  I was in Robotics… Choir… Band… Theatre… Spellbowl (written spelling bee)… Academic Decathalon.  He came to a couple marching band contests, one of which because it was in the RCA Dome (the only time my high school went to state competition in my 5 years in the band… I started in 8th grade, cause we needed the numbers)… and I think he might’ve come to my senior solo for Choir.  He was at my graduation.  He didn’t come to my graduation party… but he came the day before, or a couple hours before it started or something… enough to see me, congratulate me again, give me his card, and leave.  I guess he didn’t want to be around my friends… or my mom… or any of their friends.

He never called on holidays or on my birthday.  And every year he said the same thing, “I didn’t know what you had planned.”  Because my day would be that busy that I couldn’t take 5 minutes to talk to my father?

And every time we talked, he would have a running count of how long it had been since the last time… and he would always end the conversation, “Let’s not let it be another 3/5/9/13/18 months before we talk again this time, ok?”  And every time, he’d never take the initiative and make the call.  My cell phone number never changed.  I’d given it to him several times.  Nothing.

Even when he died… nothing.  He’d apparently been in the hospital for a week before he died, and they didn’t call me until the day after he passed.  It took them that long to find my phone number.  They had to get it through His best friend’s, friend’s, daughter, who happened to be the Lead in the house I was working in at the time when I was a Home Health Aide.  If that happenstance hadn’t happened, who knew when I’d have found out.

He’d listed his physical therapist as his emergency contact.

I know I’ve told this story to some of you before… but I guess I just really need to get it out right now.

I think what hurts the most… is when we were cleaning his stuff out from his best friend’s house, with whom he was living at the time, the friend (Leroy) told me, “You know, I knew he was getting bad here towards the end… he couldn’t even get up from the couch and go into the kitchen to get water to take his pills without sounding like he’d run a marathon…”  The kitchen was maybe 25-30 steps from the couch.  Dad had emphysema real bad.  (And potentially lung cancer.  They found lumps in his lungs, but since I denied an autopsy, they didn’t look closer.)  Leroy went on to tell me, “I asked him for important numbers… his sister, friends, anything… and he told me he didn’t have any… I asked specifically, ‘What about Danielle?’ [my RL name] and he said ‘She wouldn’t give a shit.'”

Excuse me?  I wouldn’t give a shit?  Me?  The one who’d been the only one to make an effort in our relationship for the last 14 years?  I wouldn’t give a shit about my own father being sick enough to be dying?!  He NEVER told me he was that bad… and I asked every time… He always say, “About the same… it sucks.”  But he never told me he’d had lungs collapse before… and that he’d had stints put in his heart… he never told me any of this.   AND I ASKED.  I was the one that asked.  I was the one that always reached out.

“She wouldn’t give a shit.”

That still haunts me… to this day… that he thought I wouldn’t care.  I very much care.

So on this father’s day… I mourn my father… sure, I cried a lot when he died… I cried a lot in the 3 months that I had a nervous breakdown and just lost touch with everything after he died, before I moved to Alabama to be closer to the rest of my family.  And I’ve cried a lot since moving here.  But today, I cry more, I cry harder… I just… mourn.

I hate this.  I really hate this.

I never thought I’d look forward to a Monday so bad in my life…

But I guess it’s time to try and take the rest of this journey on my own, without him.

*~* You Can Let Go Now, Daddy… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Sigrid (January; Ginger Brows; Cleavage) – Glance Skins
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Longfall Hair (Naturals) – Tableau Vivant  @ Arcade Gacha
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands): Dark Set – Nailed It
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations  (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Dress/Tunic: Wayfarer Tunic – Poet’s Heart  @ Fashion For Life
Leggings/Boots: Wayfarer Leggings & Boots (Autumn Foliage) – Poet’s Heart  @ Fashion For Life
Headpiece & Staff: Wayfarer Headpiece & Staff – Poet’s Heart  @ Fashion For Life
Facepaint: Deardriu Facepaint (White; Dark) – Haus of Darcy  @ We ❤ RP

Poses: Various animations from the new RACHEL AO – Vista Animations

Location: Fashion For Life Parade Sim

Blogging Tune: “You Can Let Go” – Crystal Shawanda

Take That Rage, Put It On The Page…

He’d say, “Music is the home for your pain,”
And explain
I was young, he would say
“Take that rage, put it on the page, take the page to the stage,
Blow the roof off the place.”

The scenery behind me is part of the scenery outside the window of the Apple Fall Paris Loft Skybox, the RARE from Arcade Gacha. If you look near my right arm, you see a little bit of the Sofa from LAQ Decor.

As this week starts with an ugly Monday, I’m reminded of the time of year it is.  Sure, there’s no real way for me to forget what time of year it is, because it’s my first summer in the South and my air conditioner is out of commission for a bit until it gets fixed… so yeah, I’m FULLY aware that it’s June and hot as hell.

However… there’s a more important time of year.  And this one just snuck up on me.  I didn’t really pay attention until I woke up during a nap this afternoon and heard someone mention something about the week leading up to Father’s Day.

Father’s Day.  Great.

This will be my first Father’s Day without my dad.  And it’s another one of those times where I’m just… mad.  I’m not mad that if I tried to call him, he wouldn’t answer… just like every other year.  I’m mad that this year he won’t answer because he CAN’T.  It won’t be Leroy (the friend he lived with) telling me that he just doesn’t want to talk… it would be Leroy asking questions, “How are you holding up?  Can you believe it’s almost been a year?”

Damn… it HAS been almost a year… It’ll be a year at the beginning of August.  I don’t remember if they put the 1st or the 2nd on his death certificate… but yeah… August will be a year.  I can’t wrap my head around that.  I just can’t.

Here is a better view of the chair from the Sofa Set by LAQ decor released about a year or so ago… if not longer. It’s been awhile since I bought it, but I love it.

As I reflect back on it now, I HATE not knowing, you know?  Was it the Emphysema?  Was it cancer?  They found lumps in His lungs… could there be lumps in my lungs?  I’m already asthmatic… could I be genetically pre-disposed to all of this crap?

I think all the secrecy from the Doctors lately is just making me paranoid.

I’m told I’ll have more of what’s going on explained to me when I see the doctor on Thursday morning.  We’ll see what “more of what’s going on” actually translates to then, I guess.

In other news, my mom’s best friend flew down from Indiana today.  Before grandpa’s funeral in February, I think the last time I’d seen her was my high school graduation party in 2008.  Unless I saw her at another funeral between then and now.  I don’t exactly remember.  Either way, it’s been a LONG time… and it was good to see her in February, even given the circumstances.  So to have her call me this morning, “So, I’m sitting in the Pensacola Airport and I can’t get ahold of your mother…” was an interesting call to get.  I guess she flew in to surprise us cause she knew this would be a hard week for us both… my first Father’s Day without dad and mom and mine’s both without grandpa.

Of course, the interesting part of unplanned visitations is that mom and my step-dad were about an hour and a half away at a doctor’s appointment and mom wasn’t answering her phone, leaving her stranded at the airport til she called me.  Heh.  I went to the airport, picked her up, called mom and got her to answer, told her what was going on and got an estimated time they’d be home.  I got to take her friend out to lunch and just talk.

I can’t even begin to describe how supportive people have been since I ‘came out’ about starting chemo.  People who have been through it before have done nothing but encourage me… and offer an ear while I ranted and cried to them about how fucking scared to death I am.  You see, the thing about chemo is that my grandpa went through it… and he gave up.  He decided it was too much and stopped.  If the strongest man I’ve ever known thought it was too much… then just how bad is it going to get.  Like, I understand that chemo is literally injecting poison into your body… and that’s bad… but just how bad does it have to be for my own grandfather to say, “Forget this, I’m done…”

I’m scared.  But it’s nice to know I have people who will be there.

A full view of what the view outside the window of the Paris Loft Skybox is, as well as the Sofa from the LAQ set, and the coffee table. The pile of books on the left side is from Apple Fall, in a past gacha.

*~* Take That Rage, Put It On The Page… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Sigrid (January; Ginger Brows; Cleavage) – Glance Skins
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Zendaya (Rigged Mesh & Flexi Add-On) – Damselfly  @ Fashion For Life
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands & feet): Dark Set (Teal) – Nailed It
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations  (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Dress: Sachi Flare Dress (Teal) – Mon Cheri  @ Fashion For Life
Jeans: She Gotta Donk (Blue 2) – Alterego
Shoes: Rosa Espadrilles (Teal) – Mon Cheri  @ Fashion For Life  **Add-on for Slink Mid Feet ONLY**
Necklace: Yasemine Necklace – Bliensen + MaiTai  @ Fashion For Life
* This set also comes with matching earrings that are not pictured here
Blindfold: Abandoned (Garden) – Kio Kio  @ We ❤ RP

Poses: Agapee (Photo 1 & Photo 3)
* I made the pose for Photo 2 myself.

Skybox: Apple Fall @ Arcade Gacha  (RARE)
Decor: Apple Fall & LAQ Decor
* Please see captions below the photos to know which items are from where

Location: My Studio

Blogging Tune: “If You Could See Me Now” – The Script

The Third is When Your World Splits Down the Middle…

First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What’s gonna kill you is the second part
And the third is when your world splits down the middle
Fourth, you’re gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you’ll see them out with someone else
And the sixth is when you admit that you may have f***ed up a little

Sketchbook behind my shoulder and wall-hanging behind my head are glimpses at some of Apple Fall’s offerings for The Arcade Gacha – June 2014!

(A pause in the bald blogging… because I just can’t get enough of this hair… my apologies… I will finish the posts I owe!  Promise!)

This is one of those moments that I love about blogging… because a couple of the things that make me the happiest will be contained with in the post: Trying something new, getting to blog something I’m IN LOVE with, blogging about something Relay for Life related, and blogging something that’s not available yet… so I can make you drool over it and then you have to wait.  (My inner Sadist is coming out, you see.)

First of all, I’m getting back into The Script lately… and it’s all Lybra’s fault!  Lol.  He posted a playlist shuffle challenge that he did on Facebook, and one of the songs was “Hall of Fame” which I listened to on repeat for about a day… then I started in on “If You Could See Me Now” and now I’m stuck on “Six Degrees of Separation”.  I hadn’t heard this one before… and I’m SO in love with it.  In my true Alexithymia-addled fashion, I’ve been struggling with some feelings lately and had no idea how to put them into words.  So… this song… just this…

Anyway… onto other things I’m  blogging today!

Canvas Rack is a general Apple Fall release that I just love! The book pile is a past Apple Fall gacha, I believe. The dress form and desk are from The Arcade Gacha – June 2014. And the laptop, file box, and chair are from my favourite WhatNext set, the Blogger’s Office in Ciel!

1.)  Blogging Something New

It’s not often that I get to (or try to) blog Home & Garden stuff… but when I got a wild hair to decorate a copy of Apple Fall’s Paris Loft Skybox with some of my favourite furniture, to make the place I hide out to design (oh yeah, I started designing!) a little more ‘homey’… I thought it might be kinda awesome to try blogging it.  I’m sure when I send this post link to Edi, he’ll be able to tell me if I messed up the idea of blogging Home and Garden stuff royally or not.  *Giggles*

2.) Getting to Blog something I’m IN LOVE with.

Err… that’s several things in this post!  I LOVE this outfit… I’ve been in a very boho-ish mood lately.  I mentioned this in a post I made on the Lybra blog, but I think it’s because the nature of boho style is free-spirited.  There really aren’t rigid rules or standards that someone can brow-beat me with and force me to follow.  With as much as that was done in Colour of Couture… and as much as our individual interpretation of a style challenged is scrutinized (which is the point of a style challenge), it’s nice to be able to get dressed in whatever the hell I feel like and have no one be able to tell me it’s wrong.  LOL.  Hell, I’ve been running around the Fashion For Life sims barefoot for the most part for the last few days because this 5 alpha limit is a bit ridiculous when I’m trying to design separates.  Lol.  But I’m all over this outfit… and this HAIR… I have discovered a newfound love for Spellbound… like, I needed it in my life SO long ago.  And this skin!  I’ve been excited since the end of Colour of Couture that I could do a shape overhaul of my face… and while I haven’t touched my shape yet, I did change my skin… and it’s so strange how much it changed my face.  There’s still some stuff I want to tweak, but I think it’s definitely going in the direction I wanted it to.

3.) Blogging About Something Relay for Life Related

I’m always up for blogging something RFL related.  But one thing I wanted to mention… I guess some people don’t understand just how close Relay is to my heart.  Some saw my gesture of doing my Finale stylings bald as what it was… an intense, passionate commitment to my cause and honoring a commitment I made to a fundraising goal that was met and exceeded.  Some, however, from what I’m told, called it “grandstanding”… or “pity styling”.  I’ve even heard the word “fraud” thrown around in the same sentence as my name… like all of my fundraising efforts for Relay for Life are fake, I guess?  I don’t really know what they meant, but I have to say… I’m not sure what sort of stuff is going on in your life that you have to insult something that I believe in and am passionate about, but I worry about you, I feel pity for you, and I offer good thoughts for you in hopes that your life gets better so you can stop trying to piss in everyone else’s cheerios.  Not that it’s really anyone’s business… but there’s something I have been wanting to share here, but was with-holding it for fear that people would use more derrogatory terms for me in regards to CoC… but I have offcially started Chemo.  My doctors haven’t had the official “You have cancer,” conversation quite yet… they’re hiding behind the fact that, “We’re treating your condition as if it’s cancerous, to see if the chemo and radiation will slow it down.”  Honestly, I think they’re just trying to be nice and trying to avoid telling a 24 year old anymore bad news than they’ve already had to tell her throughout this whole “what the hell do you have” process.  I think at this point, I can take it… if only they’d sit down and say the words.  But yeah… don’t tell me that I’m a fraud or that my efforts are grandstanding.  Most of you have no idea who I am and how much Relay for Life and the ACS mean to me.

4.) Blogging Something That’s Not Available Yet

Now that that little mini rant is over… I can laugh evilly!  Muahahaha!  That’s right, folks, the tank top and skirt AREN’T RELEASED YET.  Buzzing from Evita, manager of Prism Designs, indicates that it will release sometime this weekend in their Fashion For Life store… so keep a look out!  There’s lots of awesome colors and I’m definitely going to go back and probably end up buying a vast majority of them.  Not going to lie.  I blame the boho mood… and Journey’s impeccable texturing!

The canvas rack again! God I love that thing. But now you can also see the Hanging Art, Sketchbook, Travel Drawers (Stained), Tea Time Teaset, Tea Time Tins, Luggage Bag (Worn), and Luggage Bag (Plaid). Also, the Skybox I’m in is the Paris Loft Skybox RARE from Apple Fall at The Arcade Gacha – June 2014. Can you tell I’ve fallen in love with Apple Fall?

*~* The Third is When Your World Splits Down the Middle… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Sigrid (Januaary; Ginger Brows; Cleavage) – Glance Skins
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Warrior (Reds) – Spellbound
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands): French Manicure Pastels Set – Nailed It
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations  (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Tank Top: Leah Tank Top (Jungle) – Prism Designs  (to be released @ Fashion For Life)
Panties: Leah Bottoms (Jungle) – Prism Designs  (to be released @ Fashion For Life)
Skirt: Leah Maxi Skirt (Jungle) – Prism Designs  (to be released @ Fashion For Life)
* Please note, this is NOT the exclusive from Prism Designs, just a new release that is making its debut.  Prism Designs’ exclusive(s) will be featured in an upcoming post, so keep a lookout!
Engagement Ring: Devotion Bridal Set – Earthstones  (outer stones color change)

Poses: Various animations from the new RACHEL AO – Vista Animations

Skybox: Apple Fall  @ Arcade Gacha (RARE)
Decor: Apple Fall (@ Arcade Gacha) & WhatNext
* Please see captions below the photos for which items are from where

Location: My Build Platform

Blogging Tune: “Six Degrees of Separation” – The Script