Confession #2: My Biggest Fear Is Being Made A Fool Of

Confession #2: My Biggest Fear Is Being Made A Fool Of
 

Hethwen Resident, the organizer for Metaverse Pageantry, sent out a notecard the other night that I’m still not all the way through yet.  This notecard was put together by Dea Mills back in 2009, but her words are no less relevant today.  When I say I’m still not all the way through yet, it’s not that it’s insanely long… but I have to stop every time I start crying.  She says so many beautiful and relevant things.

One thing she says in her Three Observations about SL is that in Second Life, all you TRULY have, at the end of the day, is a cartoon and your reputation.  She’s right, you know.  You might say, “But but but I have my friendships too!”  When you boil it down, your friendships both have to do with and contribute to your reputation.  People who think you’re a bitch aren’t going to want to befriend you… whereas people who think you’re awesome very well may be falling all over themselves and can’t hit the “Add Friend” button fast enough.  As far as your friends influencing your reputation… how do you think people are going to look at you if you’re friends with a known copybotter.  How would you all view me if I was uber super best friends with Ramonzita???  See what I mean?

I knowing that my cartoon and my reputation are the two things that I have in this pixel world of real people… it’s important to be careful with both of them.  And while there are close-minded, or thick-headed, or downright ignorant people who can look at qualities like fierceness, bluntness, genuine honesty no matter the situation, and outspokenness and label me a bitch… for the most part, whether you see it or not, I am VERY careful with my reputation here.  I am very selective of the projects I get involved in, even if I’m involved in a lot, because all it takes is for that project to tank, or for it to be corrupt, and suddenly I become “that girl” who was heavily involved in it when its corruption was found out.  I’m actually in a bit of a moral crisis over a new opportunity that has come my way recently because of this very reason.  On one hand, there is an opportunity to salvage a project that has allowed itself to succumb to much corruption… but on the other hand, if changes cannot be made, then I am seen as CONTRIBUTING to and SUPPORTING that corruption.

I have a very big fear of being made a fool of… in anything.

I get very protective and guarded in situations where there is not a clear plan of how something is going to be accomplished… without a plan, there is a high probability for failure.  And while failure in and of itself is perfectly normal and ok, and I’ve failed a lot… to fail in the IMPORTANT things simply due to lack of planning and organization that should have and could have been done beforehand… that is humiliating… and so it’s almost like an Obsessive Compulsive behavior.  When I first find out about something, I do my damnedest to start making a plan for it as soon as I can.  This gives me time to resort to Plan B, Plan C…. Plan Z… I have time to fail in my own plans without failing in front of god and everybody.  *Chuckles*

And I think that’s why this pageant being my first scares me so much… and why I’m so vehemently trying to plan everything in advance… in regards to finding sponsors, finding poses, figuring out what might be a good walk pattern, as they aren’t being defined for us.  To plan it now, to start planning it so soon, I have plenty of time to fail and find what works for me.

But I always have the thought in the back of my mind of, “What if?”  What if Plan Z doesn’t work… what if I run out of time and still haven’t found a workable solution.  What if I end up humiliating myself?

I honestly don’t think I could handle it.

Until Next Time, Pageant Followers,
Tivi Darkfold (Tiviyah Resident)
Miss Metaverse – Greece 2013

Countdown to Pageant: 20 days

Confession #1: I’m Scared Out Of My Ever-Loving Mind

Confession #1: I’m Scared Out Of My Ever-Loving Mind
 

Ok.  So.  Those of you that know me might know that I’m kinda a project addict.  I don’t really have a ‘specialty’ in SL… rather, I learn all sorts of things because I just like helping people.  So I’m not exclusively a content creator or store manager or DJ or photographer or Blogger… rather, I’m learning to do all of these things, and trying my best to do them well, so that I can turn around and help others do them well for themselves.  I didn’t always use to be this way… I used to take a very selfish approach to my SL, and do things only for me and what I could get out of it.  But when I found that it was completely unfulfilling, I chose to conduct my SL in a different way.  So far, it seems to be working out much better.  🙂

Though some of you know who I used to be and haven’t bothered since then, some of you know me now and didn’t then, some of you knew both, and some of you don’t know me at all… allow me to tell you all WHY I made the choice to live my SL how I do now.

When I first started dancing in SL, I had a couple amazing teachers at a Gorean school that helped me get started.  Though Gorean dance, as it was back then, was not for me, and I stopped for awhile.  Then I ran into the woman that I still claim as my dance teacher today, Rya Inglewood.  Rya taught me that dance doesn’t have to be what THEY say it SHOULD be.  The most powerful question I learned to ask myself when I doubted my dance was, “Who says?”  Who says it has to be this ONE specific way?  Who says Gorean slave dance is ALL about overt sexuality.  If it was only about sex, placatory dances (dances begging forgiveness) and Sa eelas (lure dance of a love starved slave girl… note that says LOVE starved, not sex starved_ would not be as emotional as they are.  I went from bumbling around in a sand pit to pass a class, to branching out into being a competitve Gorean dancer, a burlesque performer, a modern dancer,and even a lead choreographer for a short while.  Rya taught me amazing things about dance, and about myself… and I would not be the dancer I am today without her.

When I first took an interest in DJ’ing in SL, there were MANY people who explained the basics to me, among which were Icarii Naxos, Duranu Razorfen, and Irish Breen.  Though as I truly got interested in it, rented my own stream, and really wanted to get into broadcasting publically, with a radio station, Irish stepped up and blew me away with her openness and willingness to help me get in contact with the right people, what I needed to make sure I knew before contacting them… she swooped in, took me under her wing, and within the week I was broadcasting with the Gorean WHIP Radio, the ONLY Gorean radio station that’s ever been nominated for the Avi Choice Awards, and we were nominated both in 2011 and in 2012.  I am honored to be among them, but I wouldn’t know the first thing of what I was doing without Irish.

Icarii Naxos has been in my life a long time, sometimes in good ways, sometimes in not so good ways.  But one thing she’s always done that’s inspired me is photography.  Is she the most amazing photographer I’ve ever seen?  No.  Could she sell her pictures for the prices that the likes of Pam Astonia, Madrid Solo, and Wicca Merlin do?  Probably not.  BUT, does she have an amazing talent and vision for her photos?  Yes, she very much does.  And she always inspired me to keep trying on my own photos, even when the only program I could operate was GIMP.  Now that I have Photoshop CS6, I have the confidence for fiercely seek out tutorials for more skills, to try and push the artistic boundaries of what people think my photographs SHOULD look like, and finally begin to breech the level of what *I* think my photos should look like.  I had the confidence to reach out and apply to a photography studio on a whim, and now I work for Budget Photo and Designs, an established photography studio that’s been around SL for the better part of 4 years.  I work with some awesome people, an awesome boss, and I get to do something else I love… taking photos.  And I probably would’ve given up a long time ago without Icarii’s work to look to.

I’m a dancer.  We established this earlier.  And we established how much Rya has helped me.  But one other person that has helped me so much, in my SL in general, and more specifically dance… is Jariah Yuhara.  In my opinion, she is one of the Top 2 motion capture dance makers on the grid… the other being Ramona Criss.  Jariah looked at me when I applied to be a Customer Service rep with her after she convinced me to try (and later make the switch to) the Barre Dance HUD and saw not only a Customer Service Rep, but someone who simply wanted to help… someone with a fierce passion for all things dance.  She gave me little extra projects, I took over her Customer Service Rep interviews, and in a short time, I was named her Manager.  It gives me a sense of purpose in the dance community, even when I’m taking a break from performing, to know that every day I get to help SOMEBODY with their dancing.  Whether I’m making sure they got an animation they already purchased, or answering a question about an animation or pack, or helping someone who’s never been to the store find the perfect animation… I am making a difference in someone else’s SL.  I am doing what I love, and in doing so, I’m helping others do what they love to the best of their ability.  I wouldn’t be able to do that without Jariah and her faith in me.

So you see… I am who I am in my SL today because of the people who have helped me.  I am who I am in modeling because of being with the Dazzlers, seeing the models do what they do, and the individualism that Pyper supports among all of us.  We’re not forced to conform to some idea of what people THINK dancers or models or both should look like.  We wear costumes, we may even coordinate hair or makeup sometimes, but underneath it all, we are still ourselves.  We don’t lose that spark of individuality, that shred of personality that makes us who we are and unique from everyone else.  She doesn’t squash that in us… she nurtures it.

I would not be who I am in SL without the help of other people who took my hand, and guided me for their time, before letting me spread my wings and take off on my own.  With so many people willing to help me, why should I be unwilling to help other people?  If I could stand here and confidently say that I got where I am solely on my own merit and that no one else ever had to help me in SL… then maybe I could come off being stuck-up and ridiculous and unwilling to help others.  But that “model” attitude… is so hypocritical it makes me sick.  I’m here because of other people, so I’m damn well going to pay it forward and help others get to where they want to be.

What kind of a decent human being would I be if I didn’t?

Until next time, pageant followers,
Tivi Darkfold (Tiviyah Resident)
Miss Metaverse – Greece 2013

P.S. I know that didn’t have a lot to do with being scared.  I ramble when I’m scared… and that’s what came out.

Countdown to Pageant: 22 Days