On This Champagne, Drunken Hope…

Cause you’re a hard soul to save
With an ocean in the way
But I’ll get around it
I’ll get around it

Before someone brings it up, yes, I’m blogging the same hair 2 posts in a row.  LOL.  I love it to much I dun wanna take it offfffff!  Seriously… Sabina (creator of Magika) has outdone herself this time.  It’s super-adorable… and I might wear it around for a long while.

Now then… *coughs and composes herself*  Happy Easter, readers!  I know I got the best Easter present EVER this afternoon… I got up and went to eat brunch with my family, and when I got back and looked at my dashboard, I saw that 60 of you had viewed my blog just today!  For someone who normally has a small readership, I about fell out my chair!  *Giggles*  Personally, I would just like to say thank you, to those who take the time to read my ramblings, and I really hope you get something from them.  When I write about issues and situations in my RL and SL, it’s definitely a way to gain closure… but if I can stop one person from making the same mistakes that I have, then it will be a good day.

I was asked a few days ago if I kept a journal or a diary… honestly, this is my journal.  It’s public for all of you to see… but I really don’t mind.  If I had issues with the general public seeing what was going on, then I have the brain cells to know not to write it.  Lol.

Gah!  The song I’m listening to while I’m blogging makes me really miss being able to sing.  I used to be one of those kids… Madrigal Honor Choir, etc etc etc… and then, my first year of college, my immune system decided to say “Fuck you,” and I got Bronchitis 3 times in a year and a half… the first time of which, because I didn’t know what it was, it actually became Pneumonia, because I didn’t get it diagnosed in time.  I tell you what… Viral Pneumonia is a bitch!  But anyway, they say it takes 6 years to fully recover your vocal range after you get Bronchitis once… and I’ve had it three times.  I’m fucked.

Used to range from a first soprano (the high-pitched, squeaky people… for those of you not musically inclined) down to second tenor (the middle range of a MALE’S vocals)… yeah, I had a broad range.  Damn, I miss it.

Anyway, today’s styling is inspired by the recent Penumbra casting (congrats to those of you who made the final round, by the way!  I saw some amazing styling!)  I’m currently working on the Coordination side of Fashion Week, so I definitely didn’t try to cast in as a model at this time, but if I would’ve tried, I believe this would be close to my interpretation of the theme: Minimalist Spring.

Minimalist.  That word HAUNTS me.  Seriously.

During one of my graduation exams… Catskillz, to be exact… I had to tackle my first Designer Inspiration theme.  I’d never done one before, and I had NO idea what I was doing… but I was also too scared of looking like a noob if I asked questions about the assignment.  I had no idea about RL runway shows, really… so I didn’t know if the lack of jewelry and simple hair was the designer’s aesthetic, or if it was just standard… I was also horrible at independent research at that time.  So I walked out there (this was the last of 3 stylings… so you’d expect some kind of ‘wow’ factor, right?)… literally… in a LivGlam outfit that I loved and was proud of… a tanktop and leggings with some mixed patterns… no jewelry… hair in a slicked back bun or something similar to that… and plain black pumps.  I did my walk… which was fine… I can hit a mark like nobody’s business when I’m paying attention and not multi-tasking… and then I stopped at the end to receive my overall critique.

I was being judged by SD Damiano… the head of the academy…. as well as Diana Balhaus… one of my instructors.  The first comment out of Diana’s mouth, “I can see that you’re a minimalist…”

Noooooooo.  I’m sooooo nooooot.  I wanted to like fall over and writhe around on that runway right then and there.  The comment was not stated in a malicious way… it was absolutely a fair statement based on what I showed… but god I wanted to DIE.  I was fully prepared to fail.  Because minimalist… and me… we don’t mix very well… You know what they say about looking and the mirror and removing one accessory, then you’re good to go?  I usually look in the mirror and remove two… one to look like a normal person over-styled… and then one to look appropriate.  I have this thing with symmetry… that for the longest time I couldn’t grasp just wearing a bangle/set of bangles on one wrist… it didn’t make sense to my OCD-addled brain.  I had a long way to go from that graduation critique… but somehow I passed and was allowed to graduate.  Ever since then, though, when I look at a styling of mine and I think it looks ‘simple’… that comment haunts me…

“I can see that you’re a minimalist.”

So for me, looking at Minimalist Spring as a theme was a little complicated.  Especially working in a neutral color pallete which I RARELY do.  I’m kinda… out there…. if you haven’t noticed.  LOL.  So I poked around in my inventory for a bit.  And then it hit me… sorta like I was hit head-on by a semi-truck.

Dead Dollz Malice Powder.

Now I didn’t really pay attention when I requested the outfit.  I saw the sleeves, loved them, wanted to blog the outfit.  Little did I know, it wasn’t a long-sleeved dress… it was SEPARATES…a top and a pencil skirt.  The skirt is awesome, with a little belt that matches the soft pink of the shirt… but I took the top and paired it with one of my favourite pairs of pants from Gizza, a high-waisted pant, which I’m usually so cautious about wearing around in an everyday sense because of the AO I used to use.  But I bought a new one today.  🙂  So high-waisted pants were a must, in order to celebrate!

The Gizza Papillion set has been sitting in my inventory since Jewelry & Accessory Expo in December (yes, that long)… and I was waiting for a nice place to use one or both pieces.  I LOVE the eye patch.  Unique accessories are amazing to me… hence all the headpieces and armor-like jewelry lately.  I just love these unique things, especially when I can find a place for them.

Maybe I view it as a parallel to finding a place for MY crazy-ass in this messed-up world.

Anyway… I hope you guys like what I gave you today.  Happy Easter, again.  🙂

*~* On This Champagne, Drunken Hope… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Ivy Skin (no. 14; Bronze; Freckles) – RedMint
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: Shimmer (Hud 02) – Magika  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Feet (not seen): Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Fashion Duo (Chic) – Nailed It
Blush & Freckles: My freckled blush (dark freckles) – UtopiaH  @ Cosmetic Fair
Lipstick: Metallic (red/teeth; Dark) – Pink Fuel
Top: Malice Blouse (Powder) – Dead Dollz  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Pants: High Waist Woolen Pants (Black) – Gizza  *~* rigged mesh *~*  (ON SALE!  50% off!)
Heels (not seen): Glitter Peeptoe Add-on (Black) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh; SLINK (Mid) ADD-ON *~*
Eye Patch: Papillion Eye Accessories (Pink) – Gizza  (ON SALE!  30% off!)

Poses: Morgane 4 (Photo 1); Raquel 9 (Photo 2); Rinoa 1 (Photo 3) – PosESioN

Location: You guessed it… Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Over the Love” – Florence & The Machine

A Shyness That Is Criminally Vulgar…

You shut your mouth
How dare you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Just for the record, you can blame today’s topic on two people… Cao, and Maya Angelou.  *Giggles*

Cao, because she left me a link as a comment on one of my last blog posts, and knowing that she’s not desperate for traffic or anything weird like that, I knew she must’ve left the comment for me for a reason.  So of course, I opened the page, and what did I find?

“What happens to us as we age that we allow the color to fade from us to be replaced with the monotonous tones of white and black with the melted grey tones betwixt? Why do we choose to forget? Do we grow tired of searching for the colors, quit believing they are truly ours, choosing instead to take what is easy to find? Do we grow too tired to constantly fight the barrage of “life grifters” who pick and pull our glorious petals off of us until all that remains is death and thorns? Oh, and sameness. Sameness with all the other black and white and gray us’s in the world. “

Talk about something smacking me in the face like being hit head-on by a train.  Oh, but it didn’t stop there.  Oh, no.  Then, I had to go to Facebook, and run into this quote from Maya Angelou.

“The idea of overcoming is always fascinating to me. It’s fascinating because few of us realize how much energy we have expended just to be here today. I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit for the overcoming.”

Because of this… voila… this topic.

One of the things that Cao got me to really think about was actually pursuing the colors, which I find lately, that even symbolically in my own photos, I don’t do.  You might see what you consider to be ‘vibrant’ color in some of my blog photos, but one of the first things I do in my work flow to process a photo is to reduce the Saturation of the entire image by at least 40.  I purposely pull the color out.  Sure, I can add some more in later by screwing with the color balance… but it made me question why it is that I consistently do this in my photos.

I saw it in a tutorial once and I just liked the look… but WHY did I like that look?  Why was vibrant color suddenly no longer ok?  Why did I find myself gravitating towards the darker items to blog… the darker styles.  I was purely an avant garde stylist when I started in modeling… because I gravitate to the ‘strange’ in life… but who says the strange has to be black and white… boring… defined?

So, when I got the list from Kiddo Oh of her new Spring Collection and was choosing what I wanted to blog… this particular dress, Pretty Ink, came in black and in pink.  My instinct, of course, was to choose black… black and white… again.  However, on a whim, and clearly out of my mind, I chose the pink instead.  Not only does this differ from my normal lately of straying from colors for the most part… with a few exceptions… but it’s PINK.  Most who know Tivi know that she doesn’t do pink.  I am not normally a girly girl… pink is normally not my thing.

Even if I am Daddy’s babygirl, sometimes.  ❤

Then I knew I wanted to do something a little drastically different with my photos this go-around.  Something outside my norm.  I had to stay in my comfort zone a little bit… so I layered makeup and made something funky and tribal and pretty awesome in my own opinion of looking at it… but I wanted to change up my work flow and my post-processing a little bit.

It hit me shortly after… Black and white and color… co-existing.

I’m not perfect… I will always be learning and changing and growing.  I will make mistakes… I’ve already made a lot of mistakes… but I can only hope that I grow from them and become a better person because of them.  I can’t let those mistakes beat me back down into the box I used to reside in… the safe box that a scared little Tivi used to hide in… afraid of the world, afraid to come out and be herself and embrace those colors.  Because black and white was safe.  Colors meant opinions… judgments… choices… colors meant having to be different.  I am different… but colors meant having to OWN those differences, for better or for worse.

So even if there’s still a little bit of that black and white in me… a little bit of that sameness… I’m really working on reaching towards that color again… and grabbing and embracing it for what it truly is… me, in my purest form.

I hope some day that I can truly be vibrantly colorful again.

*~* A Shyness That Is Criminally Vulgar… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Ivy Skin (no. 14; Bronze; Freckles) – RedMint
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: Shimmer (Hud 02) – Magika  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Bright Set (Summer) – Nailed It
Makeup (Shoulder/Chest/Cheeks): Obe Makeup (Pink) – Nuuna  @ Cosmetic Fair
Makeup (Nose/Left Eye Lines): Ean Makeup (Pink) – Nuuna  @ Cosmetic Fair
Makeup (Eyeshadow): Manic Shadow (Purple/Pink) – Nox  @ Cosmetic Fair
Lipstick: Witchy Lips (Lover) – Nox  @ Cosmetic Fair
Dress (Bow Top & Skirt): Pretty Ink in Pink – Dead Dollz  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Hand Bracelets: LadyOfHighGarden Hands (Silver) – Aisling  @ Secret Affair – now closed
Bracers: LadyOfHighGarden Bracers (Silver) – Aisling  @ Secret Affair – now closed
Upper Arm Bracelets: LadyOfHighGarden Shoulders (Silver) – Aisling  @ Secret Affair – now closed
Wings: Butterfly Wings (Pink) – Finesmith  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*

Poses: Pureza 1 (Photo 1); DreamLove 3 (Photo 2 & Photo 4); Pureza 5 (Photo 3) – PosESioN

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “How Soon Is Now” – Tatu

And I Can’t Pretend That I Don’t See This…

So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show me love
But you don’t know what love is
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

I may lose friends over the post that is coming.  I may lose jobs, I may lose sponsorships, I may lose opportunities.  Though the fact that I have thought this out, am fully aware of the potential consequences, and am still willing to risk it… that should tell you a lot about how I feel about what I’m going to talk about in this post.

I think the part that may be the most complicated for some of you to understand will be the part that I start with… just to try and get a lot of the explanation part out of the way.  My ex, is not just my ex-boyfriend.  He is also my former Master.  Yes, Master, as in M/s… as in Tivi is a submissive.  This has been outed on this blog before, however, I feel the need to bring it up again here.

The thing about M/s relationships is that there’s an incredibly deep connection there… moreso than in a regular, ‘vanilla’, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship… at least in my personal experiences in both kinds of relationships.  My M/s relationships have always been deeper.  There is such a higher level of trust involved… you give your everything to that person… and you trust them not only to keep Themselves safe and sane… but you trust them to keep you safe.  You trust them with everything, and trust that they will delegate control of certain things back to you.  Because in voluntarily handing it over to them, they could very well choose to keep it all.  In practical terms, though, they can’t really… not in a long-distrance relationship carried out over a virtual environment.

Could you just see that?  IMing Him every time I had to pee… or wanted to get something to eat… to get a drink of water?  No.  Certain things are delegated back, and I always appreciated them.

But the amount of trust I had for Him made our connection and our relationship so much deeper.  Unfortunately, there was always one little thing stopping us.

My ex was an alt.

Of course, this is normally not a bad thing… people have their own reasons to create an alt… starting over, more group space, needing to hide out from people… and these reasons are usually harmless.  Hell, I’ve got an alt that holds some blogging groups, and another alt that I actually brought out of inactivity in order to do photoshoots with my ex from time to time, because I didn’t want Tivi’s name associated with those photos.  Sometimes alts are harmless.  And at the time I thought my ex being an alt was harmless.  However, I’m finding now (too late, of course) that it is very harmful… and so I’m wanting to bring this issue to light, while still respecting him enough to not outright use his name.

He knows who he is.  He knows what he’s done.  He knows what he continues to do.

I took these pictures mere meters from the first place we danced… the first place we cuddled.  And it devastates me that I have to wonder if he actually gave a damn about me, or if he just said the things he knew I wanted to hear.

You see, my ex’s main avatar was, at one point, and still is, in my opinion, considered one of the Top male models in SL.  He always claimed that He had gotten ‘bored’/’tired’ of the mainstream fashion community… He wanted to do something new, something fun, but still something that allowed Him to be creative.  So, He went into porn.  HIS work was more “erotic photography”… but He went into the porn industry in SL.  He created the alt so that he would be free to explore his new interest without getting the gasps of horror that his main avatar was suddenly doing porn.

His main avatar was also partnered… to someone I love dearly and greatly respect.  This… was my BIGGEST issue when we got together.  I mean, after all, I knew both avatars were the same person… and I knew that the main avatar was partnered.  And when I confronted him about His partnership several times, simply expressing that I didn’t want to hurt his partner, as I respect her so much… His response to me was always some form of that they were still friends and that they had been meaning to dissolve their partnership anyway.  They just hadn’t gotten around to talking about it, and he didn’t want to do it until they had actually spoken.  (Perfectly understandable.)  Several times he reassured me that he wasn’t using his alt (and me) to cheat… and because I loved him… I believed him.

Yet months went by, and the partnership remained.  I confronted him with my discomfort a few more times, and he kept telling me the same thing over and over… they merely hadn’t gotten to talk about it yet.  Over and over I believed him.  After all, as many times as I’d heard it, I figured it either had to be the truth, or an extremely well-rehearsed lie.

I just didn’t plan on it being the latter.

Fast forward to our break up, and now one month past.  One thing while we were together is that I showed him the place that I use to take my blog pictures… the most wonderful sim, like, ever.  It’s got amazing forest/earthy places to take some gorgeous pictures, and it’s also open rez, so if you need to drop a prop or something, temporarily, you’re able to do so… as long as you clean up after yourself when you leave.  I showed him the sim when he was having issues finding somewhere that he could rez in order to take pictures.  4 days ago… well, I guess 5 now, as it’s 3am… I teleport into that same place to take some pictures and grab a SLURL (cause Tivi never saves her SLURLs like she should)… and what do I find?  My ex.

See, now he’s conveniently started logging back into his main avatar… tells me he’s going to be picking up fashion again after receiving a promotion (that I also confronted him about, because another thing he’d reassured me several times is that the only reasons he didn’t want other people knowing who he was was 1.) The fact that his alt is in porn, and 2.) He was retiring the main avatar)… and not only is he logged into the main avatar, but he is on this sim I showed him, in one of the gazebos off in the sim, cuddling with another model.

Now, again, how many fucks do I give that he’s moving on?  Whatever… I have too.  The issue that I have here… well, there are a few issues, actually.  1.) How thoroughly worthless does it make me feel that I was hidden away for the entirety of our relationship, and yet here he is, out in the open, with another?  Was I just simply not good enough to be with Him on his main avatar, or was He actually using me to cheat, like He’d assured me He wasn’t?  2.) At the time of this first encounter, He is still partnered.  So not only was He running around behind His partner’s back with me on His alt (yes, at the time I believed Him, but now I’m not so sure that she ever knew at all… I hate feeling like the ‘other woman’ to someone I so greatly respect…) now He was running around behind His partner’s back IN PLAIN SIGHT… rather, on His main avatar.

I’m not even going to go into the moral ambiguity of the model in question.  This post is focused on him.

Rather than confronting Him when I see Him… I bite my tongue and convince myself that they are just taking a photo or something.  I have the uncanny ability to force myself to be optimistic when the only other option is to physically feel my heart break.

But then yesterday I see via Facebook that this partnership has ended.  Sure enough, a glance at his main avatar’s profile proved that the partnership had indeed dissolved.  Funny how we talked about it happening for months and months, and now suddenly he’s actually motivated to have the conversation and dissolve the partnership.  Again, how worthless am I left to feel?

And to take the cake, last night, I tp into the same sim to grab the SLURL for the blog posts I put up yesterday… and I see him there with the same model, again.  It appears, to the outside eye, that his motivating factor for ending his partnership was so that he could be with this woman now without actually sneaking around and cheating… YES, OH UNNAMED EX OF MINE, IT IS CHEATING WHEN YOU GO BEHIND YOUR PARTNER’S BACK AND DECIDE TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

I feel so… used… and like such a horrible person.  I loved Him… and so I believed Him… but from the outside looking in… I see everything how it really looked… and god it looks bad.  I feel like the worst person… for letting Him even draw me into that situation… that I would go behind the back of someone I respect that much… and that I would allow myself to even be remotely involved with something like that.  That I would allow myself to be hidden away like some secret that isn’t good enough to be shared.

How is it that I’m the only one in this situation who feels like a horrible person?  He just gets to go along like he did nothing wrong and continue to use and hurt other people… the only difference?  This time he doesn’t have a partner that he’s sneaking around behind… at least this time he’s “single” when he’s doing the running around.

Of course, He wasn’t “single” when it started.

And who knows who else He’s done this too.

I’m just… beyond livid right now… the moral ambiguity of some people is enough to drive me completely up the damned wall.

I no longer have the faith that I used to in Humanity.  Clearly we’re all just out to destroy each other.  No one cares about anyone else’s feelings.  No one cares what consequences their actions cause.  And no one cares who they are hurting in the process.

At least, He obviously doesn’t care how much He’s hurt me in all this… physically, mentally, and emotionally.  And He doesn’t seem to care about how much it may hurt His former partner if she happens to find out this whole thing is about him running around on her.

“I think we have an emergency…”

*~* And I Can’t Pretend That I Don’t See This… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: Tariel (Dark Red) – Emo-tions  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Ears: Stekking Ears (Unisex) – Mandala  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink  *~ rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Metals – Nailed It
Eyeshadow (underneath layer): Xclamation (male design) – Madrid Solo
Eyeshadow (top layer): Twice Shy (Rose) – Madrid Solo
Jacket: Sabrina Belted Jacket (Female Version) – Fashionatic  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Leggings: 029 Leather Knee Spike Pants – Baii Maii  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Heels: Bonnie (Black) – [Gos] Boutique  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Necklace & Drop Earrings: Broken Heart Set (Onyx) – Earthstones  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Ring: Royal Khadijah Estate Ring – Maxi Gossamer  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Facial Piercings: Anonymous (Metal; manually tinted darker) – Hebanon Vial
Headpiece: LadyOfHighGarden ULTRA RARE – Aisling  @ The Secret Affair Gacha  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*

Poses: Girls 399 (Photo 1) & Girls 382 (Photo 2) – EverGlow
Pose: Electric 10 (Photo 3) – PosESioN

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Emergency” – Paramore

But I Can’t Find the Words to Tell You…

Cause I’ll never let this go
But I can’t find the words to tell You
I don’t want to be alone
But now I feel like I don’t know You

I had to come back and do another post today, because I did these pictures days ago… 3 days ago, to be exact.  Heh.  But I figured I’d get the KIDS post done first… and then post this one… this outfit just makes me smile… and feel like some kind of kid.  Lol.

Speaking of feeling like a kid… I am positively IN LOVE with these MishMish elephants… I’m serious!  And when I was telling my partner how adorable they were, His first response?  “It sounds like something made for a little kid.”  So maybe I’m as easily amused as a little kid… but I dun care, these are incredibly adorable.  And when I get in a mood where I need to hug something, like I have been lately… then MishMish Elephants of Adorableness to the rescue!

Seriously though.. it’s been a week… or a couple of weeks… or a month. That’s it… it’s been a stressful MONTH.

And of course, the moral ambiguity of some of the people in my life doesn’t make that much better/easier… however, I’ll try to touch on that later… I’ve got another styling I’d like to finish/photograph/blog today.

I guess I can’t seem to have a post that starts happy and stays happy.

I had a whole big happy gushy thing here… stupidly romantic in all the most nauseating ways… but I don’t know… my heart just hurts, and I can’t put my finger on it.  I can’t find the source of everything and make it stop.  I can’t make it better by hiding it behind something else.

The fact of the matter is, I have no idea what I’m doing… but nothing I do ever feels right.  It feels right for a time… it feels right in the beginning… it always does.  But sooner or later, I pick it apart and nothing feels like it used to.  Nothing feels right.  Nothing feels ok.

Have you ever felt so empty, even while surrounded by good things?  And you get angry at yourself for how empty you feel because you should just shut up and be happy… because the good things are there, even if they are or may be temporary?  To just ignore the temporary and be happy for as long as you can be?

I tried that…. and when the temporary ends, I always just find myself even more empty.

And I start spinning.  Again.  Always spinning.

*~* There You Go, Making Me Feel Like A Kid… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: Springflower Hair (Fall) – Tableau Vivant  @ Collabor88  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement (Right Hand Gesture; Left Hand Elegant) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Feet: Avatar Enhancement (Mid) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier (Hands & Feet): MvW Autumn Set – Nailed It
Eyeshadow: Emma Makeup – Dulce Secrets
Eye Gems: Emma Makeup w/ Eye Gems – Dulce Secrets
Dress: Fluffy Dress (Watercolor) – Tres Blah  @ Collabor88  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Shoes (not shown): Lulu Stiletto – Slink  *~* rigged mesh; SLINK ADD-ON *~*
Necklace: Zulaikha Lattice Necklace – Maxi Gossamer  @ Collabor88  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Elephant Plushie: An Elephant to Hug (Rose) – Mish Mish  @ Collabor88  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Grass Prop: Self Picnic (Red) – Flowey  @ Collabor88

Poses: Various poses inside the Self Picnic Prop

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Never Let This Go” – Paramore

Reach Up to Touch Rock Bottom…

Hey, little girl
With the pressures of the world on your shoulders
Don’t say that it’s over

I don’t blame my mother for how I grew up.

I don’t blame her for the bruises, the nights spent crying… the threats.  I don’t blame her for the arguments, the yelling, the times I locked myself in my room and STILL didn’t feel safe.  I don’t blame her for wondering if the door was going to be enough to stand between me and more bruises… between me and another day of going to school wearing long sleeves in the summer… between me and another night spent wondering what I did wrong.

“The only reason I don’t crack your head open with this broom is because your mother would leave me, and I would go to jail.”

“I can’t wait until you turn 18 so I can beat the hell out of you.”
“Physical violence is still illegal, no matter how old I am.”
“I don’t give a shit!”

“Why don’t you go downtown and get a shopping cart and live like those fuckers on the streets, cause that’s all you’ll ever be good for…”

And the mornings I woke up to being hit… because he decided something made him mad, and I’d not locked my door the night before.  Then I was blamed for not locking it.  If I didn’t want him in there, I should lock it… “that’s why the door has a lock.”

This was my childhood.  But I don’t blame my mother for not stepping in… for not saying something… the way I always viewed it… in size, I’m larger than my mother… and so  I knew, if she said something to him, he would just turn on her.  And I was afraid her body wouldn’t be able to handle it the way I did.

This is how I grew up… living behind a locked door that couldn’t stand between me and the fucked up mindset I was developing.

For those of you that didn’t close this post during the first part…. I apologize if that brought up negative memories… negative feelings… or served as a trigger for any of you.  I tried to give a brief background without going into too much gruesome detail.

It’s my goal to bring this event to light… not to emotionally scar the few readers I have.

One of the sponsors I blog for, Lybra, created the dress I’m wearing today in support of K.I.D.S. (Kids In Distressed Situations).  Out of my own curiosity, and to make sure I wasn’t writing this negatively emotional post and bringing up all these things from my past that are currently making me shake (apologies if there are typos here… there might be, and I’m not going to be able to really re-read everything to fix them.  Tivi to English translation can be provided by any of my closest friends.  Heh.) I had to make sure I wasn’t going to be writing about this for nothing.

The first thing I saw on the website is providing basic things for needy children… clothing, especially warm weather clothing in the winter… food, etc.  But in delving a bit more into the “About” section, they DO have a portion of their program that supports victims of Domestic Violence.  I have to admire programs that do this…

Not everyone can step in and stop the Domestic Violence from happening.  You can’t force a woman to leave a man who beats her… and/or her child(ren).  You can’t force someone to get help if they don’t think they need it.  However, I have to greatly admire programs like this who are willing to step in, when everything finally falls apart and the woman doesn’t know where to go, especially when a child/children are involved… without organizations like KIDS… some of us wouldn’t have half the hope we do now.  We would’ve fallen victim to the system, or to the negativity.  We’d still be with our abuser, be it a parent or a significant other.  We’d be stuck.

Or we’d be dead.

So, thank you, Lybra, from me personally and from others like me… for supporting an event like this.  I am honored to have a sponsor who cares about women/children in these situations.

*~* Reach Up to Touch Rock Bottom… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON  (previous FaMESHed release; currently in store)
Hair: Charlize (Red 03) – Truth Hair  (style not currently in in-world store)
Bruises (Face & Chest): Bruised Face & Body – Soedara
Whip Marks (Chest & Back): Whipped – Savage
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (Hands & Feet): MvW Autumn Set (Steel) – Nailed It
Gown: Abigail – Lybra  @ KIDS Event (April 14th – 26th)
* Please see “Official Blogger For…” page for additional Lybra Locations
Necklace: Zulaikha Lattice Necklace – Maxi Gossamer  @ Collabor88
Earrings: Udo Deux Earrings – Zibska

Pose: Electric 8 – PosESioN

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Irene” – TobyMac

In Another Life, I Would Make You Stay…

In another life
I would be your girl
We’d keep all our promises
Be us against the world

Hey, look!  It’s me again!

I took a trip to Collabor88 over the weekend and with some of the stuff I found there, I knew I was going to put together a Collabor88 blog post… so many cute things!  The theme this go around was Watercolors in Bloom… and I love Watercolors in general… even if I don’t wear them too often, just because my chosen hair color and skin color don’t always afford me the opportunity to be all cute and soft and girly.

But between this outfit and another one that I’m working on styling up (yes, I may post it today too if I get it done), I just needed to be girly today…

See, I was hanging out with my dance teacher last night, Rya, and she just happened to make a mention of, “Did I tell you he signed online?  Not here, but in WoW…”

I growled.

See… the “He” is the ex of our friend Kimmie… who, long story short, was the reason that she suffered from a great deal of cyberbullying from this incredibly crazy woman whom I’ve never met in my life… seriously, folks, this woman created alts and got her friends to harass Kimmie… all while then trying to point the finger at a group of friends & acquaintances of mine from a sim we used to all frequent.  It was some messed up stuff.  I’ve been very open about Kimmie’s story in the past, so I’m not going to go into all the details here again.

But in the end, Kimmie ended up over-dosing.  Not just taking a few pills to try and get attention… like… legitimately over-dosing and committing suicide.

I guess this is why I’m so sensitive about issues of bullying and over-dose attempts.

This particular picture that I took and edited… I didn’t understand why when I was working on it… but I just broke down crying.  Like, mid-edit, I just say here and started bawling.

Part of me blames the fact that I’m off my meds.  (Whooooole different story.)

But also… I guess it’s just the perspective of the photo… it’s almost like she’s there, behind the camera, taking the picture.  I’ve been missing her a lot lately, but I didn’t really sink in how much until I stared at this picture and realizing just how much my subconscious wanted to fuck with me today.  It’s seriously like she’s there.

It’s almost creepy.

This picture too.  It’s like she’s in the boat with me.  It’s just strange.

There are still days that I go to tell her something completely ridiculous that has happened… something that I said/did to Daddy… something Daddy said/did to me… being the mischievous babygirl she is, I’m sure she would still appreciate my antics.

Antics which, I might add, have increased since her passing.  SOMEONE has to fill that gap she left.  And I’m sure Daddy is SUPER excited that I’ve personally taken it upon myself to be a mischievous little brat for the both of us.  Lol.

Anyway… sorry for being emotional and weird today.  I’ve just been missing Kimmie the past couple days, and then with some of these pictures… I just… yeah.  Wow.

Also, on a more positive note… this Mish Mish elephant mooooooooooves!  It’s super freaking adorable!  I may very well feature it in my next blog post as well, cause it’s just THAT cute and I DON’T want to let go of it.  *Giggles*

*~* In Another Life, I Would Make You Stay… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Ivy Skin (no. 14; Bronze; Freckles) – RedMint
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: April (Reds; with hair clip) – Truth Hair  @ Collabor88  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Ears: Simple Ears (Unisex) – Mandala  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Dark Set (Blue) – Nailed It
Eyeliner: Liquid Liner (IN & Out; Up) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipstick/Teeth: Glimmer (red/teeth; Deep version) – Pink Fuel
Tank Top: Betsy Halter Tank (Sailor) – The Secret Store  @ Collabor88  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Skirt: Amy Highwaist Skirt (Milk) – The Secret Store  @ Collabor88  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Shoes: Watercolor Flowers Spandau Flat – Schadenfreude  @ Collabor88  *~* Slink & mesh versions *~*
Glasses: Nerd Glasses – Iron Claw  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Throat Tattoo: Heart (Faded) – YaYo
Elephant Plushie: An Elephant to Hug (Sky) – Mish Mish  @ Collabor88  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “The One That Got Away” – Katy Perry

I Am Not Your Expectation…

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectation

At this point, I would just like to point out… that I put on hair for my Update Check with Opium… but other than that, I haven’t worn hair for, like, 5 days.  LOL.  I love this headpiece that Dainie made special for me for this challenge from Artizana.  (Thank youuuu Dainie!)

This is the first time I’ve actually been inspired to/had the time to blog a Colour of Couture Challenge.  My past outfits are saved, and so I will try to backtrack my journey and show you all of my stylings from past challenges up to this point, but today, I needed to show you my Charity Challenge Styling.

This styling may look incredibly random and not cohesive, however, it was more symbolic.  I couldn’t figure out what to style that would appropriately represent my charity (Relay for Life… come on, who’s really surprised that I picked Relay?  Anyone?) while still being true to myself.  And then a song came into my head (not the tune I’m blogging to today).  The song my styling is based from is “Skin” by Rascal Flatts.  Yes, I wore a green dress to my prom.  Lol.  My goal with this style was to just be me… regular old Tivi-behind-the-keyboard… because cancer (or other diseases that fall under ACS’s research) affects us all in some way, shape, or form.

Now you see where my challenge was.  I mean, seriously… up until finding that song, I was thoroughly convinced that I was going to be doing my presentation in a pair of purple lounge pants and my committee t-shirt (and my headpiece).  I had NO idea until that song came in my head.  So, I am reminded once more, and extremely grateful, of my deep connection to music.

Anyway, the song I’m actually blogging to today is a song that my RFL Team Captain, Chevelley Silentghost played yesterday while she was competing in the Preliminary of the Celebrate Remember Fight Back Top DJ Competition.  (She raised enough to be in 2nd place currently, which moves her into Quarter Finals.  Final total was L$160,519… of which, the last L$64,000 was raised in the last 5 minutes.  It was a WONDERFUL thing to see.  Just in case anyone’s curious.)  I had completely forgotten that this song exists before that… and now I’ve been listening to it on repeat ever since.  And yes, Tivi’s crying.  LOL.  Tivi’s been crying a lot lately… including during her presentation.

As for how my presentation went?  I’m not sure… I have mixed feelings.  I was asked if I used props… my answer was no.  I was going to, but I decided against it at the last minute.  Why not?  When I sat down and thought about it, my presentation was not driven by facts and figures… all that information was in my written proposal.  My presentation itself, the spoken portion, was the emotion behind it.  The things that you couldn’t really convey in a text document… the things you need to hear out of someone’s mouth to know just how passionate they are about it.  THAT is what my verbal presentation was.  And as such, I took a page from my dance teacher’s book: your most important prop in a dance is YOURSELF.  Anything else is a bonus… and if you choose to use a prop, it should enhance your dance, not distract from it.  I felt that for my presentation personally, using a prop would’ve distracted listeners from the words I was saying.  The words that were not only coming out of my mouth, but pouring out of my heart.

I’m not sure if you can see it, or if the judges noticed…. it was a small thing… but underneath the necklace I’m wearing, there’s a small heart tattoo on my throat.  I speak directly from my heart, always.  And Charity Challenge was no different.

I wrote out a transcript of what I said, just in case anyone hadn’t been able to hear.  So… the following is roughly what I said for my charity challenge presentation… “The Nation”… a fund-raiser for Relay for Life.

One Billion Rising.  Take Back the Night.  The Megan Meier Foundation.  The Sandy Hook School shooting.  These are all charities I have supported in the past.  So why did I choose Relay for Life as the topic of my presentation today?  At the risk of shocking a few of you who don’t know me well enough to know this… I am a Caregiver… and a Survivor.

It is estimated that in 2014, among American Men & Women, there will be approximately 1,665,540 NEW CASES of cancer… and 585,720 cancer-related deaths.  That is 1,665,540 more people in America that have to hear they may or may not make it to their next Christmas… their next birthday… to see their children or grandchildren grow up.  And that is 585,720 more people that will lose their fight… the epitome of “bad things” happening to “good people”.

I was told a story by the creator of my headpiece, made specifically for this challenge, about how the typist behind the keyboard of her five year old RP daughter was diagnosed with cancer in 2012.  She had surgery in February of 2013 and is now in full remission.  They call her Ladybug, and as a tribute to her and an encouragement for myself and anyone else fighting their fight right now, Dainie added ladybugs with “Relay Purple” spots into this headpiece.  Ladybug is a shining light in the darkness that is this dreaded battle against cancer.

Something needs to be done to perpetuate that light.

What my event, “The Nation”, proposes to be is a way to combine my three greatest passions in Second Life: Dance, Fashion, and Fund-raising for the Relay for Life.  “The Nation”, a play on words for the term “Relay Nation” referring to the whole RFL community in Second Life, is a fashion experience… not just a runway show.  It proposes to bring together models like myself who are Survivors and/or Caregivers of this dreaded disease that we call cancer in an entirely danced production, showcasing exclusive creations from some of the best designers in Second Life.  All for the good of Relay for Life.

I believe my favourite part of the event is that due to a few wonderful sim/parcel offers that are on the table at the moment, I will not have to charge designers a “fee” to participate in this event.  Their participation will be contingent solely upon a freewill donation of their choosing.  This leaves less pressure about money, and keeps the focus about fund-raising.  I don’t think you understand how unbelievably excited I am about being in a position to make that offering.

More detailed plans for the event including a time line that begins now and ends after the event takes place in July can be found in the proposal notecard that you received from me at the beginning of this presentation.

As I approach the end of my time with you this morning, I would like to leave you with the words that are written at the Conclusion of my proposal, words that came straight from my heart:

Cancer remains the second leading cause of deaths in the United States… accounting for 1 out of every 4 deaths.  Look around you… no, seriously… cam around this room right now… there are more than 4 of us in here.  To this day, I have survived.  Some day, if advances in research and technology are not made, I may not.  There is no remission for me… there is no happy ending for me… not without further research…

Some day, you may receive your news… and some day, you may lose your fight.  This is the reality of cancer.  This is the feeling, that sadness deep in the center of your spirit that innocent people are losing their lives in a battle they never asked to fight.  This is the reason I will continue to fund-raise for Relay for Life until I am no longer able.  We WILL beat this disease one day.  One day I will happily be able to stand before you and proclaim that we are estimating ZERO new cases of cancer and ZERO cancer-related deaths in the coming year.  One day.

Until then, I have to relay.

*~* I Am Not Your Expectation… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON (previous FaMESHed release; now in store)
Hair: Hair Base 04 – Action Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Dark Set (Purple) – Nailed It
Eyeliner: Liquid Liner (IN&OUT; Up) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipstick: Glossy Pout Lipstick <Dark> (Plum) – Pink Fuel
Gown: Ligeia Gown (Envy) – Dead Dollz  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Wrist Corsage: “Rose” Wrist Corsage (Gothic Dusk) – Lapointe & Bastchild
Necklace/Right Bracelet/Left Ring/Earrings/Forehead Jewel: Lasya Jewelry Set – Lazuri
Headpiece: Tivi Headwrap (Colour of Couture) – Artizana  (this particular headpiece is not in store, that I know of)
Lantern: Holding Lantern – [Tia]

Pose: Made it myself!  *Giggles*

Location: Misty Mountain Romance
* Seriously… I take most of my blog pictures here and I still find new places to go and take different pictures… LOVE this sim.  Plus there’s open rez, so if I ever run out of places to take pictures, I can just rez something.  Haha.

Blogging Tune: “I Am Not My Hair” – India Arie Ft. Akon

Uttered to Condemn the One Who Hears It…

This will be my last confession
“I love you” never felt like any blessing
Whisper it like it’s a secret
Uttered to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Well thanks to a certain little Cao whose page I visited today (and she returned the favor and even followed!  *waves to the Cao*), I now have something to write about.  She participated, and then directed me to Strawberry Singh’s recent meme challenge: Advice for Second Life Newbies.  Oh, this should be fun.

Much like Cao’s post, I feel that this could be applicable to anyone inside of SL, new or old, but my personal opinion is that the sooner you understand these concepts, the better off your virtual existance will be.  Some of these things are coming from a completely pessimistic and jaded mindset… and before I’m called out as a Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer, allow me to remind you that I’ve been here since 2008, even if Tivi’s avatar isn’t that old.  I’m just about as sick and tired of some of the “same old, same old” as y’all are.  I’ve had a lot of experience inside of SL.  I’ve taken risks.  I’ve gotten hurt.  This is me.

And if I can attempt to help a few people not make the same mistakes I did along the way, well, then I think I should give it a shot… Negative Nancy/Debbie Downer or not.

Meme Instructions: List 5 pieces of advice you would give to a newcomer that has just joined Second Life. Don’t forget to leave a link to your post or advice in the comments.

1.) Don’t let anyone pressure you.
While some people will take noobs and prey on them specifically for things like griefer attacks, Bloodlines souls, other vampire systems that allow ‘ninja biting’… keep in mind that nothing is truly NECESSARY in order to successfully live out a virtual existance inside of Second Life (except ‘follow the TOS’ and other such common sense items.)  You don’t HAVE to be a vampire.  You don’t HAVE to do anything you don’t wish to do.  You also don’t even HAVE to look good.  *Chuckles*  I used to think everyone cared about what their avatar looked like… and was super obsessed with keeping their skin current, their clothes current, etc… but I’ll tell you what.  Through my work in SL recently, I’ve been confronted with some of the most circa 2009 avatars I’ve ever met… and you know what… they’re some of the most AMAZING people.  They prefer to focus their time on other things other than what their avatar looks like.  And pretty pixels or not, nothing changes the hard work that they do and the difference they make.  Be who YOU want to be in YOUR SL.  Don’t let anyone dictate it for you.

2.) Sometimes you will be taken advantage of.
Go into this knowing that if you choose to get involved in this virtual world beyond simply exploring and hanging out… if you go into any sort of ‘work’ here, you may very well get taken advantage of at least once in your experiences.  You will find people who will exploit your talents simply because you’re willing to help.  Now granted, among these colossal douchebags, you will find some amazing people who actually appreciate you as a person and the work ethic that you will bring to the table.  You just have to decide for yourself if it is worth holding out for those that will appreciate you.  It’s not always a bad thing to say, “You know, I just want to hang out and relax for awhile.”

3.) Negativity breeds negativity.
It doesn’t matter how happy or positive of a person you are in the ‘real world’… if you surround yourself with negative people in Second Life, you will be viewed as negative… and you yourself can (and probably will) become negative.  That said, there’s nothing wrong with being cynical or skeptical sometimes… surrounding yourself that are all “sunshine and rainbows” to the point that it’s seriously creepy probably isn’t good for your sanity either.  However, a healthy medium is usually ideal.  People tend to judge you as ‘guilty by association’, so I guess there comes a time when you decide what is more important… a friendship (if you actually know it’s a true friendship and not just a situation like #2 above) or your general, grid-wide reputation.  I would say friendship… as long as its genuine.  Unfortunately, my judge of genuinity lately seems to SUCK.  A second opinion would be my recommendation.  *Chuckles*

4.) SAVE OUTFITS.
As you gain more items in your inventory and you fail to organize it… because let’s face it, everyone gets lazy with their inventory at some point… things will become harder and harder to find.  You will have your lazy days where you don’t want to look through all the things in your inventory to put on something to wear that day to go to a club or a show or a live music event or whatever you have to/want to do that day.  Being able to go into your outfits folder and quick change to something you’ve already put together?  Definitely a saving grace on lazy styling days.  That, and when you crash (like we all know you will at the most inconvenient moments) who knows what you could come back wearing… you could be half dressed in something that you put on 3 days ago.

5.) When it stops being fun, you need to make a choice.
You need to decide… is the lack of fun you’re having in this program worth the small bit of time you can spend with friends you’ve made here… or is it time to download a program like Skype or a game like WoW, drag your friends over there, and continue on in a less stressful, more fun environment.  Don’t like a virtual world like Second Life turn you into a hateful, stressed out person.  I don’t call it a ‘game’… because this is real interaction with real people, just in a virtual setting… but even if it’s not a ‘game’, you should still enjoy it.  If you begin to dread logging in… or stop enjoying the things about this place that made you fall in love with it… it’s time to take a good hard look, and consider the potential advantages of taking a break.

*~* Uttered to Condemn the One Who Hears It… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Ivy Skin (No. 14; Bronze, Freckles) – RedMint
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: Crazy In Love (Rouge) – Exile  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Ears: Stekking Ears (Unisex) – Mandala
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: French Manicure Pastels Set – Nailed It
Eyeliner: Liquid Liner (In&Out – up) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipstick/Teeth: Glimmer (red/teeth; Deep version) – Pink Fuel
Gown: Beauty – Lybra  (This was a SAVIAD release that I do not see in the store yet)  *~* partial rigged mesh *~*
** Please see “Official Blogger For…” page for all of Lybra’s locations **
Necklace & Bracelets: Copacetic Tallulah – Maxi Gossamer  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Headpiece: Zer Wreath (white) – Finesmith

Poses: Regina 7 (Photos 1 & 3); Regina 8 (Photo 2) – Katink

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Heavy” – Florence and the Machine

I Can Taste the Tension Like a Cloud of Smoke in the Air…

Every second is a highlight
When we touch, don’t’ ever let me go
Dirty dancing in the moonlight
Take me down like I’m a domino

Truthfully, I have no idea what to write about right now.

I just got done telling someone, I believe it was Flora (shout out and wave!), that when I blog, I have to have something to write about… because I’ve always seen the fundamental purpose of blogging to be writing.  That’s why some feeds who make it a REQUIREMENT that you ONLY post your photos and style card annoy me.  Granted, I don’t normally speak out about my annoyance.  I just don’t apply for those feeds and continue on with my writing.  🙂

However… I was inspired tonight by the outfit that is all from FaMESHed, except for my hair and nail color and eyes… as well as a set of poses that AnneMarit Jarvinen from Katink tossed me tonight.  Like you’re going to throw me something and say, “It releases tomorrow,” and not think I’m gonna do my damnedest to blog it tonight so people SEE it tomorrow. 🙂  Especially when I have an outfit I really want to show.

It just sorta had to happen.  Like fate.  Or destiny.  Or something like that.

Currently, I’m listening to Wylder skip through songs, claiming that he’s trying to “remember” how to mix again.  Personally, I believe He never forgot, and has always been a good DJ.. Anyway, He was trying to ‘re-learn’ because we’re both participating in a small DJ battle tomorrow night for Relay for Life.  I’m DJ’ing from 8-9pm SLT and He’s DJ’ing from 9-10pm SLT.  The event is hosted by Tiki Photography for LIfe.  If you’re online at that time, holler for a tp.  It’s for a good cause.  🙂

Is it wrong of me to say that I love it when He gets frustrated at Himself?  Not frustrated, like, a legitimate fight or anything…. but listening to Him trying to dovetail too songs together and grumble because it wasn’t right, dragging the tune back and trying  it again?  It makes me smile.  I don’t know if it’s because it’s nice to see Him passionate about something, and allowing me to drag Him into something that I’m passionate about too… or if I’m still just happy to be hearing His voice again.  Maybe it’s a combination of both?

Either way, being here, with Him… I dunno.  There’s a “right” feeling about it.  It’s like… I dunno.  There’s some stuff to work out still… we’ve still got some communication issues… (*Coughs* Like not letting me know that He had to work late in RL and suddenly I’m sitting here for 2 1/2 or 3 hours with no word… lolol.)  But otherwise, it’s good.  It’s nice.  This is a good thing.  I can feel it.

Maybe this is what fate feels like?  Thank you Karma, for ceasing your bitch-ery for a moment and letting me enjoy this.

*~* I Can Taste the Tension Like a Cloud of Smoke in the Air… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON  (previous FaMESHed release; now in store)
Hair: Zoe Hair (Colored with Hud 2 then manually tinted darker) – CatWa  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Animal Print Silver Polish – ZOZ
Dress: Bohemian Chevron Dress (Burnt) – Coquet  (currently at FaMESHed)  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Jacket: Denim Jacket (Blue) – Coquet  (currently at FaMESHed)  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Headphones/Speakers: Super Bass Rab8 Headphones (Vanilla) – RO  (currently at FaMESHed)  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Necklace: Bali Gypsy (Color Change) – Maxi Gossamer  (currently at FaMESHed)  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Facial Piercings: Anonymous (Metal) – Hebanon Vial

Poses: Regina 9 (Photos 1 & 2); Regina 6 (Photo 3) – Katink  (from Regina Pack 2 releasing APRIL 4TH!)

Location: Misty Mountain Romance
Yes, you’ll find this sim to be my default for taking pictures.  Lots of gorgeous forest and scenery… plus it’s open rez, as long as you clean up after yourself.  Relatively low lag.  I’m so glad I found it ages ago…. oh wow, almost a year ago now!

Blogging Tune: “Domino” – Jessie J

I Saw The Future, And In It, I Was Alive…

I think a lot about killing myself
Not like a point on a map
But rather like a glowing exit sign
at a show
that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave

*** WARNING: This blog contains personal information that may serve as a trigger for people who have some of the same issues that I do.  If you are easily triggered, then you may not want to read this post.  You have been warned.  ***

You know… I don’t ask for a lot in my SL.  People that I work with and work for can likely attest to this, because when every single one of them has asked me what I expect to be paid for whatever job I’m doing, I usually say some related form of, “Honestly, whatever you feel is appropriate.  I don’t work for free, but I also don’t feel it’s my place to tell you ‘I want to help you, but here’s how much you have to pay me if you want my help.'”  99.999% of the time I am perfectly happy, if not completely shocked, at the amount that they view as fair.  Shocked in a good way, mind you… not a bad way.

That said, I don’t ask for a lot in my SL.  But one thing I do ask… is that if you’re going to call yourself my family… and ask me to support you when you’re going through a hard time or when you’re doing something that’s important to you… is that you offer me the same in return.  I am perfectly happy to be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen to you when you’re upset, and a giant lap for you to snuggle down into when you just need to sit there and cry because life sucks and you’re sick of it.  I’m happy to be all of those things for any of my friends and family that need it.  Where I draw the line, however, is with those who take and take and take and take and yet refuse to give.

Some of you know that Opium Evolution just got finished with its production of Gatsby.  There were 3 shows, 1 of which I could not participate in because of a prior commitment (and a shout-out/HUGE thank you to Ana for allowing me to continue with the show, even with that prior commitment… it was an honor to participate).  I invited my ‘family’ to my first show, and I was super excited because their instant response, without missing a beat, was “Totally, I’m there.  I got you.”  But then, when they didn’t attend, and I happened to mention it… I was told in a rather stern tone that made it feel more like a lecture than an apology/explanation… that they had to work in RL or were off doing other things in RL, and that’s why they weren’t there.  RL always comes first, I get that… I support that… I live by that.  But why tell me if you’ll be there, only to turn around and not be?  Especially when these RL things were pre-planned and you knew you wouldn’t be available.

So the night before the last show, I had tp’d away from a family event upset because the whole night, my partner and I had sat in Skype together, without the family, because we thought they weren’t in Dolby (a chat program we use for group chats, because it takes up less resources than Skype does).  It turns out they WERE in Dolby… they were just in some private room that we didn’t have access too.  Just chatting away like we weren’t even there and didn’t have the forethought of, “Oh, maybe Wylder and Tivi would like to be involved in the conversation.  Let’s jump up to one of the public rooms.”  It was hurtful.  And I allowed myself to knee-jerk react and tp’d out of the event.  I spent the rest of the evening styling an outfit, messing around in Photoshop with some new techniques that Wylder taught me, and just being with Him.  I had ignored my sister’s IMs, and so she had IMed Wylder, checking in on me every so often and letting Him know that she still loved me, even if I was mad.

Yes, sister, He told me about every time you checked in.  I thought it was sweet.

I just wasn’t ready to talk yet.  I was still hurt.

Before He went to bed Wylder had suggested inviting my family again to Gatsby’s last showing.  We knew for a fact that my sister didn’t have to work in RL this time, because she’d told us a couple nights before that she had 4 days off and was super excited about it.  However, she spent most of those 4 days ignoring most of her family with the exception of her partner and her daughters.  We made plans to hang out, go shopping… plans that never happened.  But Wylder suggested that I invite her and any other family that was around and not busy to the show.  After all, we club-hopped almost every night, supporting various DJ’s in the family.  Why not ask my family to support me in something I enjoy doing?

When I went to IM her, her IMs were locked.  Without explaining in detail, it’s an Open Collar feature that lets someone stop you from receiving or sending IMs.  When I tabbed into Facebook to copy paste the message, my newsfeed updated to a post of her saying about an hour previous that she was “taking a day off” from everything and everyone except her partner and her daughters…. which is whom she’d been spending all her time with the rest of the weekend anyway.

I couldn’t help it… I felt let down… again… I felt an extreme lack of support from people who had called themselves my family.  People who had repeatedly told me, “I got you,”… and I didn’t really feel “got”, if that makes sense.  I started spinning.

For those of you not familiar… I’m going through some stuff.  I have been for the last 8 months or so… nightmares involving my father, grandfather, or both… 24 hour periods of time where I am in an almost constant state of fear and panic, unsure of what exactly I’m actually afraid of… seizures more frequently than normal… harsher bi-polar mood swings than normal.  Lower lows and higher highs.  I’m also a recovering cutter… and so in the middle of all the negative, I still have to find enough positive to keep from resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms.  So when I say I was spinning… I was emotionally spinning out of control, into a very low low.

I just needed my sister.

And when I attempted to tell my sister that I’d needed her… that’s why I was upset… I get a response of “Last night wasn’t about you, nor is today.”  That’s just it… me saying that I needed her… IS about me.  She may have inserted herself into someone else’s problem (which she does often… getting herself involved in things that really aren’t her job to fix/get involved in) and allowed that to stress her out… however, me being honest and telling her “I needed you,” is very much about me.  But she couldn’t even stop long enough to listen.  She just blew me off… was very short and harsh with me… and then stopped talking.

One of our ‘family’ members had threatened to commit suicide the night before, after I had left, I guess.  This family member and I were both in need of the same thing.  We needed support of our family.  But apparently our family is only singularly capable of supporting one person at a time.  And so because I asked for support because I was spinning… instead of going to drastic and melodramatic measures… I was left in the dark.

When I’m up I don’t kill myself
Because holy shit there’s so much left to do
When I’m down I don’t kill myself
Because then the sadness would be over
And the sadness is my old paint under the new
The sadness is the housefire or the broken shoulder
I’d still be me without it, but I’d be so boring

I’d like to be able to rejoice in my strength… to be able to deal with spinning on my own (with Wylder’s help when He was online)… and deal with it without resorting to previous unhealthy coping measures.  I’d like to be able to be proud of my strength.

But my strength lost me my family.

You see… that conversation that I mentioned trying to have with my sister?  Where I told her that *I* was not the one who’d locked out my family… that *I* was the one who had been locked out… several times.  That I was spinning that night and just needed my sister and it felt like she couldn’t care less?  That I felt like I was only important when they needed something from me, and any other time they couldn’t be bothered.  When I tried to have THAT conversation… and she not only blew me off, told me it wasn’t about me, was rude and short with me, AND quit talking… THAT conversation?  Yeah… I was told that I was bringing drama to the family and would not be welcomed back.

While the man who threatens/attempts to kill himself over a woman who doesn’t contact him for 2 days and the man who lies to the family about how many relationships he’s in and with whom are both not considered drama.  I ask for help and that’s drama.  They act like jerks and they’re perfectly welcome AND worthy of family support.

I don’t get it.  But I’m so sick of being hurt.

I guess I just wanted to blog this poem tonight…. because I want it to be ok to be proud that I was strong.  To be proud that I don’t think the way I used to anymore and just want to give up and be done with everything.  I want it to be ok that the show hasn’t been quite bad enough for me to want to leave just yet.  I want it to be ok that I embrace my old paint under the new.

I just want it to be ok.  And I guess it’s not ok for my former “family”.

*~* I Saw The Future, And In It, I Was Alive.. *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON  *previous FaMESHed release; currently in store*
Hair: Lulu Hair (colored using Hud 2 and manually tinted darker) – CatWa  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Feet (not shown): Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier (Hands & Feet): Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Body Suit: Bodysuit No. 6 – RedMint  (currently 50% OFF)
Cropped Sweater Top: Lace Top Lifted No.9 (II; manually tinted darker) – RedMint  (currently 50% OFF)
Jeans: Belted Bells (Grime) – Auxilary  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Facial Piercing: Anonymous (Metal) – Hebanon Vial
Forehead Band: Gayaa Forehead Band – CatWa
Poses: Various from my AO (Seventeen by Oracul)

Location: My Build Platform
* Don’t mind the plywood prims in the background and the builders grid on the floor.  Just a bit of a sneak peek of what I’m working on for Menswear Fashion Week at the end of April!

Blogging “Tune”: The Future – Neil Hiilborn