My Experience With “Getting Help”…

Mama said gonna be alright
But mama don’t know what it’s like in my mind
Mama said the sun gonna shine
But mama don’t know what it’s like to wanna die…

It’s a long post today… bear with me…

Consider this trigger warning, if the title did not give it away.  This post is of a very serious nature, and deals with some very deep and potentially triggering subject matter such as suicidal ideations/thoughts, self-harm, verbal and emotional abuse, isolation, and extensive, in-depth explanation of an experience in both an ER on ‘suicide watch’ and in a mental health facility.

This story is mine to tell… and while i wasn’t quite ready to tell it so soon after getting back, circumstances have made it such that i have to be ok with it.  Honestly, it’ll probably be a bit theraputic to get it all out, and i’d planned to blog my experience because it was a bit crazy, but i guess i just didn’t think i’d be doing it so soon after i got home.  Oh well, here we go…

This is the story of the time i went to “get help” from a mental health facility.  Aka: A mental hospital.

Confession .274. The Aftermath Of One Too Many Words I Said When I Should’ve Said Nothing At All…

Yeah, these thoughts i would never speak out loud
i’ve seen you cry but i’ve never seen you shout like a hurricane
These shots don’t ricochet
Sight blurred, i’m walking dazed, girl
i’m fucking faded
Or maybe wasted, i can’t remember how it happened
Oh, i don’t know my limits at all…
i’m sinking down into my thoughts…

P/people assume that when you pull back, it’s because of something wrong with you.  Not always.  Not everything is the fault of E/everyone else in the world.  Sometimes, if someone withdraws from you, you are the problem.  You aren’t safe for their Universe.  Your gravitational pull is too much for their orbit.  You aren’t safe for my Universe.  Your gravitational pull is too much for my orbit.

Confession .273. It’s Funny How The Warning Signs Can Feel Like They’re Butterflies…

It’s crazy when the thing you love the most is the detriment
Let that sink in…
You can think again
When the hand you wanna hold is a weapon and you’re nothing but skin…

i can’t anymore.  i just can’t.  The only reason i continue to is because i promised i wouldn’t just kinda… word-vomit it everywhere.  But why do people get to hurt and manipulate other people and still get exactly what they want?  Like… why is that ok?

Confession .272. And If You Switch Sides, You’re Gonna Have To Claim Your Place…

Probably cause you’re the one playin’ the mind games…
You hate me because i don’t let you play no mind games
They give me migraines and damage my brain…

Funny thing about half-truths… they always come out eventually.  Whether it’s half-truths Y/you’re telling a romantic partner/potential romantic partner, or half-truths Y/you’re telling Y/your F/friends and A/acquaintances… they will always catch up to Y/you, because eventually Y/you’ll forget which lies Y/you told to cover up the last one, to cover up the one before that, to cover up the first one.  It will all just get too much, and Y/you’ll slip.  It always happens.  It’s why i don’t understand why P/people even bother to begin that nightmare chain in the first place.

Confession .271. Is It Too Soon To Know If It’s Too Soon To Say For Now?

Paint a picture in my brain, encapsulate the fleeting feeling
It ricochets, replace my pain ’til every trace is leaving
The nerve of autumn time days flying by, every sunrise healing me
And W/we’re okay, W/we’ll live this way ’til it’s done…

Been a minute, hasn’t it? If Y/you missed the craziness on Facebook… i, uh… broke my ankle in RL.  Yes, it was a stupid situation.  Yes, i’m clumsy and a klutz.  W/we can move on now.  Lol.  W/we’re beginning one of my favorite times of year… October.