I Can’t Change, Even If I Tried…

(My love, my love, my love, she keeps me warm…)

At some point today, I must be insane.

When I was in my last class at Catskillz last night (yay getting through 10 lessons!) we were discussing Assessments, the three stylings, etc.  I went to open up the notecard, and I realized that I now have Catskillz final Assessments AND Advanced Dance class graduation in the same week.  My Assessments will be on Tuesday, October 1st… and Advanced Class graduation will be the following Sunday, the 6th.  And all I have to say about that… is oh my gosh, kill me now, please.

One big misconception that a lot of people have about me when I mention that I dance in SL is that I mean I hope on a poseball or a right click and sit on a pole.  Competitive dancing… free-form dancing… in Second Life is much more complicated than that.  There is no poseball of animations for you… there is not dance pole… for the most part, it’s you, your HUD, your costume, and your emotes.  Occasionally you’ll have set pieces or props, but a lot of times, depending on the situation, you won’t.  It’s very much like dancing in RL, except in SL you get emotes.  You get to write down what you’re trying to show them.

But think about that for a moment… when you perform a dance in SL… a free-form dance like this… you’re sorting out what you want to dance about, you’re choosing your music, you’re choosing your outfit and any props/set pieces… then when you’re actually performing, you’re clicking the buttons on your HUD for the animations, you’re copy pasting emotes, and you’re listening to your music to make sure you’re doing it all at the right time.  It’s difficult.  And it’s much more than just hopping on a poseball or using a dance pole.  Not that I’m discrediting either of those things.   They just don’t fulfill my deep-rooted emotional need to dance and express myself.

For graduation, the Advanced students had 3 options to choose from, and we have to perform 2: A dance of Rya (our teacher), A Gorean Dance, and a Freestyle dance.  The two that I chose were A Dance of Rya, and a Freestyle Dance.  I haven’t really touched Gorean dance with a 10 foot pole since I started dancing again in March or April.  (Of course, my significant other is going to change that after Graduation.  *Grumbles*)  I knew that a Dance of Rya was going to challenge me… because we are taught from the very first class of Rya’s Beginners class that you can’t dance someone else’s world.   You can only dance your own.  I can’t tell you more about your world than you can… and so I shouldn’t attempt to.  However, during the Advanced class, we are shown very intimate pieces of Rya, and we are entrusted to compose a dance of Rya using those pieces… people shouldn’t see us… they should see Rya.  THAT will be hard.

(Press play, don’t press pause…)

But my Freestyle has the potential to be easy.  And with that potential to be easy, of course I couldn’t take the easy way out.  Lol.  I HAD to find a way to challenge myself with my Freestyle.  It could be about anything that I wanted… in any style that I wanted… I have complete free reign.  And so what did I do?  I chose Hip Hop.  *Grins*

For those of you that are not really familiar with the world of mocap dance animations in Second Life, there’s NOT a lot of lyrical hip hop movements.  MyAnimations has a Hip Hop Lyrical set of 12 dances, and I own them, but unfortunately, they were too fast for the particular song I chose.  But I couldn’t use my contemporary lyrical animations… because there’s hip hop influence to the song… it’s not always all smooth and pretty and flowy.  It wouldn’t match.  In the end, I settled with some dances from A&M that I could find in the “Club” section, of all places, a dance from 3fx from the Sensual set, I believe, and even a couple of poses that I picked up from *PosESioN*.  I have a storyline in mind for this dance (that you’re not going to get here… you’ll just have to attend my graduation to see it!  Muahaha!) and I believe that the sequence I finally managed to choreograph for it fits the song and the story as perfectly as I can get with animations created by other people.

The song I chose, since I’ve eluded to it enough in this post, is Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’ “Same Love”.  Those of you that know the tune know the hip hop influence in it, along with the periods of musical lyricism that make the tune as a whole a complete enigma to choreograph.  Lol.  However, the message of the song is what appeals to me and what speaks to me…

“A culture founded from oppression, yet we don’t have acceptance for ’em.  Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board.  A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it.  Gay is synonymous with the lesser.  It’s the same hate that’s caused wards from religion, gender, to skin color, the complexion of your pigment.  The same fight that lead people to walk outs and sit ins.  It’s human rights for everyone, there is no difference!  Live on, and be yourself.  When I was at church, they taught me something else: If you preach hate at the service, those words aren’t anointed; that holy water that you soak in has been poisoned.  When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen.  I might not be the same, but that’s not important.  No freedom ’til we’re equal.  Damn right I support it.”

That was a vast majority of the second verse.  And that is probably the most powerful piece of the song for me (with the exception of the very end when all you hear is the repeated singing of “Love is patient; love is kind”).  Just read through it… see if it doesn’t speak to you… it will speak to everyone differently.  It might make you angry at those who can be filled with that kind of hatred.  It might make you angry at me for supporting this idea of ‘same love’, no matter if someone is heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, pansexual, or asexual.  It might make some of you sad at the condition that the world today is in.  It might touch a personal place of some of you.  It might make you cry.  It might inspire you to take a more vocal stand against the prejudicial ways of the world.  It will speak to each individual differently.

My job as a dancer… is to make you abandon your own feelings about it… and bring you into the world as I see it.  To wrap you up in the story that I weave that for those 5 minutes I have your attention, you feel the pain I feel… you cry at the things that make me cry… you get angry about the things that make me angry.  It is my job as a dancer to reach out, grab you by the shoulders and shake you and tell you, “See ME!  Look at ME!  Come into MY world and let me SHOW you…”

You’ll just have to come to graduation and see if I succeed.  🙂

(Whatever God you believe in, we come from the same one…)

*~* I Can’t Change, Even If I Tried… *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Cleo (America – 11) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Lovers eyes (Jade) – [theSkinnery]  (MESH)
Hair: Misty (Reds02) – TRUTH Hair  (MESH)
Sweater: Cashmere Mesh Turtleneck Sweater (Black) – Baiastice  (MESH)
Leggings: Fall Mesh Leggings (Black) – Baiastice  (MESH)
Skirt: Rufa Mesh Skirt (Black) – Baiastice  (MESH)
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hand (Elegant 1) – Slink  (MESH)
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Flat Feet (APPLIERS) – Slink  (MESH)
Shoes: Margot Slippers Update (Black; for Enhancement Flat Feet) – Slink  (MESH)
Hand Effects: Rainbow Sparkles L&R – Can’t find them on Marketplace anymore, but they are copy/trans – IM me for a set!
Pose: Modern Style 7 – *PosESioN*

Blogging Tune:

The Time We Have is Time Well-Borrowed…

(Holy wow… it’s Steele and Tivi…)

So I went through this couple of days where I really wanted to appear to be unapproachable.  The male gender as a whole was not something I was getting along with at the moment… lol… and being a submissive without a collar at the time, I REALLY didn’t feel like dealing with the ceaseless streams of IMs from wannabe Dominants who really just want kinky sex and an excuse to emotionally abuse a woman.  It just wasn’t on my to-do list, really.  I wasn’t in the mood for my mute list to grow more than it does anyway.

Anyway… so I styled for a couple of days in a completely dark and “Grr” manner.  I showed Steele my first one… which even kinda scared me… and he loved it.  And wanted to style with me.  I’ve always been curious about featuring other people in my blogs… and have even taken up a couple of blogging challenges to make it easier to do to… but I’d never actually gone about featuring someone else before.

So this is my first attempt at this… be nice.  And also, it’s sorta my first post for the “Pay It Forward” Project… and Steele doesn’t even know this.  *Grins*

The way the “Pay It Forward” Project works is different for everyone who chooses to partake in it.  I found it listed under Challenges on the Blogging SL feed page, and it was originally attributed to Harlow Heslop.  Basically what she chose to do was to choose someone each week around SL whom she had seen displaying a positive attitude and overall kind nature that week.  She would offer to do a photo of them and would post it to her Flickr with a little excerpt about what they did that caught her eye.  The person featured would then be encouraged to pay it forward to someone else… be it a small gift, a kind word, whatever they saw fit.  I was not chosen by Harlow, but with all the negativity that I’ve seen on Facebook and in SL in general lately, I felt like it might be nice to focus more on the positivity.

My first chosen person for the “Pay It Forward” Project is an amazing woman who is, unfortunately, going through some health issues in RL right now and so her SL and mine didn’t line up for me to get her photo done.  She is still VERY much on my list and I hope to get her done soon so I can tell you all how amazing she is (as if you didn’t already know!)  In light of this, Steele seems to be a wonderful person to kick this project off with.

(Old enough to know, but too young to care…)

Steele and I met… lord, this is the strange part.  I honestly don’t remember who it was… but it was right after I was accepted into the Miss Metaverse pageant back in February sometime.  I got a random IM out of the blue from a woman who was actually FROM Greece (the country I had chosen to represent)… and she mentioned how she’s just happened across the website looking for who was representing her country and she loved my headshot and she went on and on about how beautiful she thought I was.  It was incredibly encouraging that a woman would just IM me out of the blue like that.  We talked a little bit about the pageant and I confessed how new I was to all this and she made a comment something like, “It’s not that bad.  Just ask Steele.”  I wanted to hide behind something or someone when I asked, “Steele?”  “Omg you don’t know Steele Sirnah?!  IM him and tell him that I told you to tell him to tell you that it’s not going to be that bad!”  Of course, I did.  And from there, he’s pretty much been my mentor.

Yes, I have taken classes at academies.  I graduated from Amici and was under the wonderful guidance of Cara and CJ.  I am currently attending Catskillz under the guidance of BonieFacio, Lua, Lilli, and SD… and they are all amazing people as well.  Cara and CJ and I still stay in touch and Cara still primchecks the hell out of me when I have something important to style for… and SD and I have had wonderful conversations about MVW and other things.  But the thing about Steele is that he never owed me anything.  I never paid him to train me when I was let go from my first school.  He just took me under his wing and said, “Here, don’t worry about them.  I’ve got you.”  He took a scared little 7 foot tall model who couldn’t pose for shit and gave me the confidence to at least GO for a casting now and again.  And any of the advice that he gives me, any of the time that he takes out of his insanely crazy schedule to help me is never because he “owes” me anything.  My trainers are wonderful individuals and I know that even if I’d never attended their classes that they would still help if I needed it because they are that kind of individuals.

But Steele… Steele never owed me anything.  Not a damn thing.  From that very first day, he could’ve said, “Ok, bitch is crazy…” and not responded.  Instead, he chose to laugh and tell me, indeed, “It’s not that bad.”

I remember a couple of days after that conversation, I was getting advice from him about sponsorships… and that was when he dropped the comment, “And put in there that I’m training you.”  Far be it for me to question him, but I’m pretty sure my first reaction was, “Excuse me?”  Like I hadn’t read that right or something.  Lol.  I admit I was still very star-struck… to be as new as I was ‘hanging out’ with and getting advice from a model with even half a name in SL… I fan-girled for a moment.  I’ll be open about that.  Lol.

So yeah… in the middle of an overwhelming situation, Steele emerged like a guardian angel of sorts.  And when everything in that pageant and that organization went horribly horribly wrong… He was still there as the voice of, “Fuck them, you’re amazing.  Go work it and be fierce, ‘kay?”  He still is.

Every time I want to give something up, I’ve got Steele’s voice in my head (and the threat of his foot in my ass) saying, “You have to keep trying.  Fuck them, you’re amazing.  Go work it and be fierce, ‘kay?”

Definitely an amazing choice for the “Pay It Forward” Project.  Steele Sirnah.  ❤

(Let’s you and me make a night of it…)

*~* The Time We Have is Time Well-Borrowed *~*
(Will get links in soon.)

—Steele—
Shape: HIS!
Skin:
Eyeliner: Love My Eyes Liner – *BOOM*
Lip Makeup: Male Lip Mix (Design 1) – Madrid Solo
Tattoo: Demonology (Light Ink) – Wicked Tattoos
Jacket: Leather Jacket (Black) – Hoorenbeck (MESH)
Pants: Hefunky Pants (Black) (Bootcut) – Legal Insanity
Boots: Studs Belt Boots (Black) – Gabriel
Hat: Hunting (only cap) – ARGRACE
Gloves: Fingerless Gloves (Style B) (Black; high res) – Tonktastic
Necklace: Baphomet Necklace – Fall From Grace

—Tivi—
Shape: MINE!
Skin: Geanna Frostbite Skin (Fair) – Izzie’s (former Collabor88)
Eyes: Lovers eye (Baby Blue) – theSkinnery (MESH)
Hair: Sydd (Pearl) – Discord Designs
Ears: Steking Ears – Mandala (MESH)
Eye Makeup: Twice Shy (Selfish Silver) – Madrid Solo
Lip Makeup: Totemic (Lips Only) – Madrid Solo
Tattoo: Bliss (Medium Ink) – Wicked Tattoos
Pasties: Pasties 1 – LoLa
Scarf/Top: Miss Mara Scarf (ethno black) – LeeZu
Pants & Boots: Florentine High Heel Pants (Night) – LeeZu
Suspenders: Leather Suspenders (Black) – .Shi.  (MESH)
Nails: Metal Stripe Nails – Izzie’s
Facial Piercings: Anonymous (Metal) – the :HV: (formerly Hebenon Vial)
Bracelets: Kabuki (Bracelet & “Ring Only”) (Infinitely Black) – Mandala

Blogging Tune:

The Lights Will Not Guide You Through, They’re Deceiving You…

(I dream of the end, to start all over again…)

You can tell me a lot of things.  That’s part of my submissive nature.  I can be ‘told’ things, and more than likely, at least a piece of me will want to obey.  I’m a helper… I’m a do’er.  It’s just what I do.  So especially if someone needs help… likely, I can be told someone and, again, at least a piece of me will WANT to obey.  Whether I obey or not… well… that depends on the day, really.  And whether or not you hold my leash.

The thing about being bipolar, is when you’re told things, you’re not likely to hear them.  I think the worst part about bipolar is that we look FINE on the outside.  It’s not a disease that shows any physical signs.  Sure… when we haven’t slept for a few days, there are the bags and the general “You look like hell” look that we get because we’re exhausted… but honestly, there aren’t a lot of tell-tale physical signs to a bipolar’s illness.  So you can’t really look at us and say, “Oh, she’s bipolar.”

But just because there’s not a lot of physical indication does not make it any less of an illness.  Sometimes, people forget that.

I take back what I said earlier.  I think THAT is the worst part.  People forget you’re “sick”.  People forget there’s something fucked up in your head.  People forget that a lot of times, you’re not meaning what you say.  People forget that nine times out of 10, if you’re manic, you won’t remember a lot of what you do and say.  People forget that you are in pain… mental pain… all the time.  People forget how shitty you feel, because you have varying degrees of control over your various emotions at any given time.  It’s a “life is like a box of chocolates” sort of scenario in the worst possible way.

But because they can’t SEE it on your face or in your body… people often forget.

(Just take my hand and give it a chance… don’t jump…)

You can tell me a lot of things.  But unfortunately for you and for me… you can’t tell me how to feel.  The thing about my feelings is that they’re mine… and no one knows them better than me.  I honestly wish that I could ‘obey’ if commanded to feel a certain way.  It would make life a bit easier.  Feel upset about something, “Hey, why are you upset?  Be happy.”  Boom… happiness.  Feel angry about something, “Hey, calm down.”  Boom… calm.  I REALLY wish I had this sort of “on-off switch” control of my emotions… but unfortunately I don’t.  And whether that is a side effect of my bipolar or simply because I’m a human being and not a robot, I’ll never actually know.  But the fact remains that I can’t control my emotions to that hairpin curve.  I’m sorry.

I might not be able to control my emotions, however, I’m quite in tune with them.

So You can’t really tell me that I don’t care… when I care so much it hurts.  And I feel that hurt.  All the time.  You can’t tell me that I never trusted You… when I trusted You so much that it destroyed me when You went back on Your word.  You can’t tell me that I didn’t support You when all I tried to do was encourage You in those things You loved… even attempting to open up opportunities for You, and encouraging You to try even if You felt like You couldn’t do it.  (Remember the jewelers list?)  You can’t tell me I left… when I’m still here.  Right here.  I always have been here.  I may have physically left the sim to avoid contact with certain others… I may have hung up the call because I couldn’t process the situation… but I have still very much been right here.

You can’t tell me I’m not a slave when my heart is still very much Owned by You.

And what’s worse… You can’t tell me I didn’t love You when I sit here in constant crippling pain from loving a Man who doesn’t appear to love me in return.

I might’ve fucked up.  I DID fuck up.  I got scared of being hurt again… I got afraid of that fresh wound re-opening… and I fled the sim… went to a safe place… I hung up the call because I couldn’t process what was going on.  I couldn’t bear the thought of everything spiraling downward to the same place it always goes… where trust is broken and everything goes to hell.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around going to that horrible place in our relationship with You.  I never thought You’d take me there.  And I hung up to try and stop it.  I couldn’t process.  I needed to think.  I needed to breathe.

I fucked up.  But I never left.  I am still very much right here.

This is about as much of a public apology as You’re going to get.  And granted, maybe it didn’t need to be in public, maybe it shouldn’t have been in public… but it is.  You’ve said things in public, I’ve said things in public… but it takes far more courage to sit here, crying for the 9834749879435th time in 2 days, and try to be vulnerable and honest with You than it does to spout the stupid shit back and forth that we’ve been spouting.

Daddy, I love You.  And I’m sorry.

I scream into the night for You
Don’t make it true
Don’t jump
The lights will not guide You through
They’re deceiving You
Don’t jump
Don’t let memories go of me and You
The world is down there out of view
Please don’t jump, don’t jump
And if all that can’t hold You back
Then I’ll jump for You…

(I breathe Your name in silence… I don’t wanna hear it right now…)

*~* The Lights Will Not Guide You Through, They’re Deceiving You… *~*

((Will insert credits tomorrow sometime… just wanted to get this written out.))

Blogging Tune:

All That I Say, You Always Say More…

(Where love is lost, Your ghost is found…)

I think I’ve got emotional whiplash.  The source of that whiplash is not what I really intend to go into.  But I apologize in advance if I do.  9 times out of 10, when I write… especially out of pain… I start with an idea and what transpires is a beast all its own.  I don’t start a blog entry with a definitive end.  I just write.  And when it feels complete, then it is.  If it doesn’t, I keep writing.

One of my biggest fears in life is that it will end with my having never meant anything to anyone.  Now, deep in the back of my sub-conscience, I know that I mean something to my friends, to my community.  I get that, I really do.  And I’m not here to emo about “Nobody loves me!”  But to mean something to my friends… and to truly mean SOMETHING to another human being that cares enough to love me are two different things.  At least, they equate to two different things in my head.  I’m not sure I can explain just how that is, so I apologize if it makes no sense.  Again, the things that come out of my head don’t always have to make sense.  And I’m writing from a place of pain, so it’s even less likely to make any kind of comprehensible sense.

Also… how fleeting everything in life seems… and I mean EVERYTHING… even life itself… just irks me.  Pre-teen girls can go from being best friends one day and worst enemies the next.  Athletes can go from being perfectly healthy to sitting out an entire season.  And apparently people can go from loving you to hating you and thinking some very horrible things about you.  A change of opinion should be expected as people grow and adapt to the condition of the world around them… but that quickly?  Damn.  Hit me like a mac truck and I’m just like… I dunno.  Maybe I don’t understand because I can’t just switch love on and off like that.  Does that make me weird?

(I can’t keep up with Your turning tables; under Your thumb, I can’t breathe…)

And does it make me weird to still love Him?  Even amidst all the horrible things that He’s said?  The trust He’s broken?  When I never wanted to fall in love in the first place… because I’ve known nothing but pain from love… when I told myself I wouldn’t fall again… and that I would never fall that quickly.  To fall that quickly was foolish.  I told myself all these things.  I went into it with eyes wide open.  And yet, here I sit.  I fell that hard… I fell that fast.  Something about Him felt… right.  And now it’s just… not.  It’s not right.  The things He’s saying aren’t right… how He claims He feels isn’t right.  I can’t wrap my head around it… it just… isn’t right.  But I told myself that I wouldn’t get involved again… that I wouldn’t fall again.  And I did it anyway.  It’s my own fault.

Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own Savior
When the Thunder calls to me
Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own Savior
Standing on my own two feet

Pffft.  Who am I kidding?  We all say, “I’ll learn from my mistakes and it’ll be better next time!”  We all get this optimistic feeling in the depths of our hearts that we learned out lessons and everything will work out juuuuuuuuuuust fine next time.  And does it ever?  I mean… seriously… be real with yourself for a moment.

Does it ever?

(It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables…)

*~* All That I Say, You Always Say More… *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Holly Skin (Fair) – Izzie’s
Eyes: Lovers eyes (Baby Blue) – [theSkinnery]  (MESH)
Hair: Hairbase 15 (Shaved/Tribal – Reds) – EMO-tions  (from Sidney hair)
Ears: Steking Ears (Unisex) – Mandala  (MESH)
Makeup: Raven’s Flock – Madrid Solo
Hoodie: Hoodie Unisex (Black) – .Shi  (MESH)
Pants & Boots: Yukatan Pants (Black) – LeeZu!  (MESH)
Suspenders: Leather Suspenders (Unisex) (Black) – .Shi  (MESH)
Bracelets & Nails: Kabuki Bracelet, Handring, Nails (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Necklace: Kabuki Necklace 1 (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Facial Piercings: Liquid Silver – the :HV: (formerly Hebanon Vial)  (* this particular set unavailable; many amazing piercings still!)
Pose: Morphine

Blogging Tune:

I Done Made the Devil a Deal…

(He made me pretty; he made me smart… I’m gonna break me a million hearts…)

I’m really irked by the lengths some people will go to for money.

(Yes, I know I promised I’d explain why I’ve been gone so long.  Bear with me for one more post… this subject just kinda came up tonight.)

Ok, well, not necessarily the LENGTHS, per se… but that the things people will give up for money.  I mean, we all know things about the casting couch in the movie/theatre industry where people will do some pretty depraved sexual things for a part in a film or a play… however, this isn’t what I’m talking about.  However… apparently… people would be willing to forsake what their loved ones feel and value for the sake of money.  To me, this is wrong.

Please correct me if I’m wrong… but when you tell someone that you love them, and that you value them, then you actually value them.  You value their thoughts and opinions… and you respect that there are things that hurt them… things that upset them… things that make them angry.  You accept these things.  And while one person should never aim to make an individual choose sides in a fight between them and a mutual friend… you would think that they would at least respect the hurt person enough to not put them in awkward or uncomfortable situations.  You would think that certain things would be avoided.  You would think.  Correct me if I’m wrong.

(I done made the Devil a deal…)

Please correct me if I’m wrong… but when you tell someone that you love them, and that you value them, then you actually value them.  When you have a conversation with them in which that person tells you, “If such and such happens, it would really hurt me greatly…” or “Honestly, if that happens, it would devastate me…” or “I don’t think I could handle it if you did that…” that these things would actually matter to you.  You would think that because you love and care about and value this person, that you wouldn’t want to hurt them.  That their feelings would mean something to you.  You’d think.  Correct me if I’m wrong.

Please correct me if I’m wrong… but when you tell someone that you love them, and that you value them, then you actually value them.  And that value transcends money.  You’d think that no matter if there was money involved or not, you’d be able to respect the feelings of the one you love and value… because you love and value them.  You’d think.  Correct me if I’m wrong.

However, it seems that to some… money means more to them than love.

And that really breaks my heart.

(I’m hell on heels, say what you will…)

*~* I Done Made the Devil a Deal… *~*

Shape: MINE!  Muahaha!
Skin: Asia Skin Ginger Edition (Pale) – Izzie’s
Eyes: Lovers eye (Jade) – [theSkinnery]  (MESH)
Hair: Morgan (Rouge) – Wasabi Pills  (MESH)
Eyeliner: Asia Eyeliner (Silver) – Izzie’s  (comes with Asia Skin)
Eyeshadow: Asia Eyeshadow (Smokey) – Izzie’s  (comes with Asia Skin)
Eyelashes: Flirty Lashes – DAMNED Bodyshop
Blush: Blush Pink Light – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipgloss: Dailyn Lipgloss (Dark Cherry) – Izzie’s  (sold separately from skin)
Shirt: Euphoria Top (Black) – KL Couture
Jacket: Freydis Fur Jacket (Red) – KL Couture
Pants: Snake Skin Pants (Black) – KL Couture  (MESH)
Shoes: Grace Sandal (Black Patent) – [Gos] Boutique  (MESH)
Necklace: Pearl Rain Necklace (Onyx) – Mandala
Earrings: Pearl Earring (Onyx) – Mandala
Nails: Takara Nail (Silver) – Mandala
Poses: Morphine

Blogging Tune:

You’re Gonna Hear Me Roar…

(I can honestly look back with no regrets…)

Oh hey, I’m back.  More on that in my next post, promise.

Yesterday was a very important day for me, I will openly admit.  And when I say important…. you know when you’re trying to lose weight and you’re, like, 5 pounds from your goal weight… and in the beginning it was REALLY easy to lose “just” 5 pounds… but those last 5 just seem to not want to come off… at all.  So you work damn hard every week, and the day you step on the scale is like showing up at the Oscar’s to see if you’ve won?  Lol.  Yeah.  That was my day yesterday.

I might not be as “seasoned” of a model as some of you… and I know that makes some of you angry.  I would apologize for that, but what would I be apologizing for?  Learning quickly?  Styling well (for the most part)?  But anyway, I’m not as seasoned a model as some.  I’ve only really officially been going at this since November or December of 2012… so not even a year yet.  But what was the one thing that I had been hearing about since even before I really started modeling?

Miss Virtual World.

See, I started dancing with a dance troupe that performs at Miss Virtual.  So when I joined them, it was talked about a lot.  I had to be the noob to ask, “What’s Miss Virtual?” and from there is where I did my own research.  I watched the videos of the finals… I looked around at the girls that had been in it in the past.  It was like a modern day beauty pageant.  (P.S. I really wished there was a talent portion!  I remember thinking that from day one.)  And so I had a goal for modeling.

Now… before you draw conclusions.  My goal was NOT to win Miss Virtual World… it wasn’t “to become the next Miss Virtual World” or anything of that nature.  I just wanted the opportunity to compete.  That was my goal.  To make it as a candidate for Miss Virtual World.  I even had two countries in mind.  And they weren’t based on, “Ooo I’ve seen girls from this country win,” or “Ooo, there are famous people from this country!”  One is my home country, USA, and I was thinking about it because of Michela Benazzi, former Miss Metaverse.  I would like to think of her and I as close.  And even if we’re not close as friends, per se, she has never once hesitated to help me when I needed it.  THAT is what I think being a model is about… helping others.  I know plenty of models that would be like, “No, you’re going for the same casting I am. I’m not helping you.  That’s ‘helping the competition.’  You’re on your own.”  Michela’s willingness to help made me want to represent the same country that she did when she was in MVW.

But I knew that USA was a popular country and was probably already taken… so I did have a second one in mind, even if I figured it was already taken as well.  I’m not sure how many of you know Sessie, but I didn’t know a lick about her until competing in Miss Metaverse.  The more I saw of her, the more honor and integrity I saw in her, the more I looked to her as THIS, THIS kind of person, should be the face of what a model in Second Life is.  There are plenty of people in SL, not necessarily models, but people in general, that get to where they are through friendships and through other underhanded ways.  But Sessie?  I’ve watched Sessie work her ass off to get any opportunity she’s ever been given.  And even if something seems to have just “fallen in her lap”, so to speak, she’s worked damn hard as a model to even be noticed for an opportunity like that.  She is the kind of model that I want to be.  Period.  Even when I have nothing else to my name, and my name means nothing, I will still have my honor and my integrity.  That is important to me.  Sessie’s example is important to me.  And so I had been thinking about choosing Ireland, and trying to carry that honor and integrity through the country she represented when she had her time with MVW.

Anyway, so I’d started submitting a photo back in May, when we were first allowed.  And looking back on that May photo now… god, it was hideous!  Lol.  I was on such an Avant Garde kick back then… and while Avant Garde is nice, it has it’s place, and it’s still one of my favourite stylings… it’s not exactly “modern, beautiful, chic supermodel” material.  So I fully understood not getting chosen in May.  Then it was June.  The wonderful Fuzz Lennie had done a picture for me, and she knew I was entering it in MVW, so she tried to cater to the style of photo they normally appreciated.  I was still blonde at this point… as I had been told at one point that the dark skin I used to wear would never get me anywhere… and then I had been told my red hair would never get me anywhere… and it was so early in my modeling career that I was dumb enough to believe them and change.  So I was still pale and blonde at this point.  When the photo wasn’t chosen, admittedly, I was shocked.  Yes, there were MANY entries and not all of them could be chosen to walk, I understood.  Fuzz was a bit surprised too, as were a few others who’d seen the website of entries that showed my photo along with everyone else’s.  I almost gave up after June.  But Steele kicked me in the ass and told me not to.  So I didn’t.

July was another picture that I’d done myself, and frankly it was because I’d lost track of time and had not had time to ask Fuzz or anyone else for another one.  I had finally resolved, “Fuck it,” and gone back to my red hair.  A redhead is who I am.  And I was determined to be that way in MVW if I made it.  However, the picture didn’t turn out quite how I wanted it to.  And I admit it just looked… awkward… when up there.  Reducing it to 1024 x 1024 squished my face in a weird way… but then again, I saw some “not so savory faces” amongst models on an everyday basis anyway… so I was hoping the uniqueness of the styling might pull me through.  No such luck.  August’s photo was my last chance, and I went to Madrid Solo.  The poor thing… about a half hour before our appointment, I’d gotten a very bad phone call in RL that I didn’t tell her about, because I didn’t want her to reschedule the appointment for later in the month and then find her rushing to get it done.  However, my inability to effectively communicate because of that phone call started to come out, and I broke down and told her. I apologized.  I just hadn’t wanted pity.  She understood what it was I wanted for the photo, took it, sent it to me when she was done editing and it was STUNNING.  It was probably one of my favourite pictures that has ever been done of me.  I loved it.  And it even got me an audition.

(No, this isn’t the headshot she did… it’s the headshot of my gown for auditions.  :-D)

Here’s the suck-ish part of only getting to walk in the September auditions.  It’s your first and last shot.  And because it’s the last shot, everyone and their brother who’s ever been chosen to walk wants to come and try one last time.  For 14 of us, it was our first opportunity.  2 of those 14 made candidacy, and I congratulate them.  They brought it in whatever way the judges were looking for.  And it’s not like it was any huge failure to not make it through… there were 40 some-odd of us walking for 7 spots… many weren’t going to make it through.  When I wasn’t one of the 7, did I cry?  I will admit, yes, I had a good cry.  Just like that person on the scale… who’s been working so hard to lose those last 5 pounds, and she steps on the scale only to find out, yet again, that she hadn’t worked hard enough, or she hadn’t worked the right way, to achieve her end goal.  I felt like a joke for even having the hope that I might’ve been chosen out of all those models.  Who was I kidding, right?

But then, I went to a meeting on another sim with a completely different group of people… a group of people that has always loved and embraced me like family, even  in those times when I have let them down or in those times that I’ve felt like a failure… they’ve always been there to just smile and me and make some corny joke to make me laugh.  Or, in the case of yesterday, have a grand old chuckle at my expense after the meeting because I have no voice as of late.  It was just an all around good time.  And I was forced to remember the things about myself that I’d taken off my profile… yet again… in hopes that it was those small things about my PERSONAL relationship that I CHOOSE to lead that may have kept me out of an audition and out of candidacy… I was forced to remember that once more I was hiding a piece of myself in this community… and yet, here I was, surrounded by a different community of people that has always loved and accepted all of me, flaws and all.

It definitely made me feel better.  Did it make me consider giving up modeling as heavily as it did the last time I was faced with this realization?  No.  Whether some of you like it or not, I’m going to keep modeling.  I’m going to keep trying.  And I’m going to keep working as hard as I’m working… and maybe someday, someday… that effort will be seen and appreciated for what it’s worth.  A few people have seen it and have seen me… people like Sessie and Michela… Lexie… Steele.  These people that kick my ass on a regular basis and push me to do better and not give up just because I feel like I’ll never have a fair shot because I’m so new or because I’m not well-known… those people are what give me hope that some day more people will see something in me that they like.

That will be a good day.

*~* You’re Gonna Hear Me Roar… *~*

Shape: MINE!  Muahaha!
Skin: Asia Skin Ginger Edition (Pale) – Izzie’s
Eyes: Lovers Eyes (Jade) – [theSkinnery]  (MESH)
Hair: Lika Updo (Dark Pink) – Miamai Marketplace
Eyeliner: Liner 3 // Thin – DAMNED Bodyshop
Eyeshadow: Holly Eyeshadow Gold – Izzie’s (from Holly skin in Fair)
Eyelashes: Flirty Lashes – DAMNED Bodyshop
Blush: Blush Pink Light – DAMNED Bodyshop
Gown (Body & Gloves): Falbala Gown in Sapphire – PurpleMoon Creations
Gown (Skirt): Kiana Bridal Gown (Recolored Blue) – Gizza
Shoes: Grace Sandal (Gold) – [Gos] Boutique  (MESH)
Necklace: Lotus Necklace/Chain (Fall Gold) – Mandala
Headpiece: Lotus Head Corsage (Fall Gold) – Mandala
Poses: Morphine & IsoMotion

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