July 2014 – Antisocial Darwinism

Oh, to dress up in Your arms
Alone with nothing but our scars
I know that she won’t love you like I love you
(Like I love you)
Oh well, oh what am I to do?
Oh well, oh what am I to You?

Oops, I haven’t blogged in almost a month. I’m really sorry about that. I ended up sicker than I expected… and then Relay happened… and now I’m just kinda… recovering and dreading the start of Round 2. Also, in RL news, when my car’s brakes stopped working properly and I thought I just needed more brake fluid (I’m vehicularly stupid… have we covered that yet?) it turned out the brake line was actually broken? (And yes, to answer Chance’s question again… I’m sure it was broken… not cut… lol). So yeah… my car’s been in the shop for the last week and let me tell you… stir crazy is an understatement.

However, none of that is really what I wanted to chat about today.

Some of you have enjoyed following my journey in Gor… and I promise to do another Gor-related post soon… to cover my release/runaway… being a camp slave in a camp that doesn’t really have them… and escaping with a captive to a new village.

Today, however… is more about me as a slave. Not me as a Gorean slave… but me as a slave in general.

I’ve felt really…. disconnected… lately. Disconnected from people, disconnected from my slavery… disconnected from the world in general. I guess something about being stalked by my previous Master’s Companion and being treated horribly simply because she was jealous (of what, I have no idea… Most of His family made no effort to accept me or view me as His slave… and I was constantly working my ass off to earn favor of other people… thus setting myself back MONTHS in shit I thought I’d already dealt with, in regards to caring too much about what other people think.) Why anyone would be jealous of that, I have no idea. Especially when she is engaged in RL and supposedly very happy. Why then be jealous on an Out of Character level? Anyway… I guess something about the way she treated me and the way she stalked Him and U/us (when we ever got the chance to be together without her around) just threw me off in a major way. I had to leave…. the situation wasn’t healthy. I was in tears more often than I was happy… I didn’t want to be in SL… I didn’t want to do much of anything. Why this frigid, petty, jealous woman had that much hold over me, I have NO idea… but she did. She REALLY got to me. How one person can single-handedly ruin progress that I had made… and ruin something that I’d waited for a long time to try for… it boggles my mind.

Well… ok… not just one person. I played my part in that, instead of standing up for myself, I rolled over… and let her affect me.

Well… no… I take that back again… I did stand up for myself. But I only really did so to Him… when I asked why HE wasn’t standing up for me… or why I never saw it. His response was usually some incarnation of how I didn’t know what He was doing or what was said, etc etc… and You know… He was right. I didn’t. Because He never did it AROUND me. He never stood up for me while I was present… or when the situation was occurring. And while I appreciate the effort He told me later that He was making… how exactly was I supposed to feel in that situation.

How would You feel if the person who was supposed to care for You and look out for You and protect You and all those other empty promises that people make to each other… if they just sat idly by while You were being mistreated by someone else in their life? Would You feel cared for? Looked out for? Protected?

Would You feel loved?

Yeah… I didn’t either. And I didn’t know how to properly deal with that. I felt hung out to dry…. like some of the pictures for this entry, I felt unwanted. Like I could’ve laid outside His house, shackled to a sign, giving me a way. But rather than being “Free to a good home” like most pets are… I clearly only choose the people that end up later mistreating me. “Free to a bad home”. That seems to describe me lately.

And as a result? I’m so… numb. I don’t think I’ve ever been this numb to my own slavery before. Like… I don’t feel it. I feel… hollow. Empty. And sometimes I convince myself it’s because I was forced to leave the person who is supposed to be in my life at this moment. Other times, that feels like a crock of bullshit and I feel like I’m some kind of defective slave. And still other times, though admittedly these are VERY few, sometimes I wonder if I’m a slave at all.

Though I’ll admit… lately I’ve felt like if I am a slave… I must clearly be a bad one. I’ve always believed in karma. But I think the Universe has mistaken me for some other person. I feel like I’m living in someone else’s karmic nightmare that I just can’t seem to wake up from. And the longer I’m stuck here… the more beaten down and numb I become.

I don’t like it.

I don’t remember what else I wanted to say here… I’m sorry.

*~* Bite My Tongue, Cause All I Do Is Stutter… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Cleo (Clean; America Tone) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Moment (Hud 02) – Magika Hair
Body: TheMeshProject Body – TheShops
Hands: TheMeshProject Hands – TheShops
Feet: TheMeshProject Feet (set to Mid) – TheShops
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Dress: True Colors (Circles) – Dead Dollz @ Greek Isle Gacha Aug. 1st
Necklace: Boho Time Necklace – Pure Poison (past group gift)
Collar/Cuffs: Rigid Cuffs – Mesmerize Dungeon
Earrings: Large Hoop Earrings (Gold) – Soedara
Nose Piercing: Cihuapilli Nose Piercing (Gold) – Soedara

Pose Prop: Wall Mounted Shackle “Free To A Bad Home” – Rack Poses **in-store gacha**
(This was a gift from a friend, so of course I had to use it in a blog. Thank You Jarl Shadow!)

Location: Dance Gardens of Gor

Blogging Tune: “Lonely Neighbor (What Am I To You?)” – Oh Honey

All along, I knew you felt betrayed
Quiet rumors doesn’t mean that I’m to blame
Those girls were nothing
You were my everything…

I am the first to admit that I think way too much, about positively everything. I think way too much about what other people think (still), I think way too much about the past, I think way too much about the future. And the problem isn’t even so much that I think or reflect or dream… but it’s that once those things enter my head… I allow them to affect me emotionally, regardless of whether they’ve already happened and I can’t change them… or whether they haven’t happened yet and I can’t guarantee they will. I allow it to take a heavy toll on my heart, even to the point of breaking it at times.

I am also the first to admit that I’m broken. Now, to say that I’m broken doesn’t mean that I’m claiming I’m not a whole person, and I need someone else to complete me, blah blah, all that stuff. No. There’s a whole person here somewhere… I just have to figure out the jigsaw puzzle that is my existence and make sure that everything stays together the way it’s supposed to.

Why’d I start this entry this way? I think a lot about the future in RL… especially in regards to love. Those of you who actually read these posts when they’re about my life and my emotions may remember one of my posts from father’s day… talking about how I FREAKED OUT at the age of 10, thinking my father hated me because he hated my mother and wouldn’t ever come to my future wedding and I NEEDED to know from my mother who would walk me down the aisle. And that now I sit here 14 years later having lost my father and grandfather both and find myself in the mindset of that 10 year old little girl again. Fretting over the logistics of something that is in no way happening any time soon, and allowing it to break my heart all over again… either at the fact that it won’t happen, the fact that my father won’t be there, the fact that my grandfather won’t be there, or some emotionally fucked up cocktail of all three. There’s so little in my RL that I can truly grab ahold of and take control of that it’s really easy to find my mind spiraling out of control sometimes.

Some of those same worries even crept into my SL sometimes. When Wylder and I were supposed to get married at the end of this month, I found myself avoiding the planning aspects… and even contemplating turning to a couple of friends who are wedding planners… just to take the emotional bits off that I knew I would freak out about. Sometimes to look at that wedding, even if it was SL, would remind me of all those questions and all those worries that had about my RL… should it happen. I guess that means it’s a good thing we split? I don’t know. I’d never be one to really be relieved for a break-up simply because it took away the emotional inconvenience of planning a wedding. He and I meant more to me than that.

We meant more to me than a lot of things.

I’ve been sitting on this dress for what feels like forever. It’s perfect in every way, shape, and form, in my eyes. I remember when I first saw Spirit Llewelyn (god I’m sorry if I butchered the spelling of that) wearing it in the MVW 2014 final…. I was just blown away. Wylder and I were apart at the time, or else He probably would’ve remember my immense infatuation with this dress and would’ve known which one it was right off the bat when I mentioned I had the PERFECT dress. The circumstances just seemed to fall in place perfectly… this gown that I loved so much… just happened to be made by a creator that was one of the sponsors for the particular round of Flora’s Fashion Contest I entered? And the prize from said creator for the 1st Runner Up placing I received just happened to be 1 gown of my choice? I believe in coincidences… but this was a little more intense than that. It was… fate? I dunno… does that make me weird, describing my acquisition of the perfect wedding dress as ‘fate’?

But I sat on this dress for a long time. And I’ve been sitting on it even since Wylder and I split up. Maybe it was a lofty dream that He might actually come back and apologize. Maybe it was some weird superstition about showing off the dress I was supposed to get married again. Maybe it was just being afraid of actually admitting that I would never walk down the virtual aisle in this dress. Or, once again, maybe it was some fucked up emotional cocktail of all three. I don’t really know. And I hate thinking about it.

I can’t say this is the styling I would’ve used for this gown, if the wedding had actually happened. I think the necklace would’ve been involved in some way… if for no other reason than it was a gift from the woman whom I claimed as my mother until Rya adopted me. She’d given it to me a few days before Sir Zak and mine’s collaring ceremony. Told me every daughter deserved something gorgeous for her special day. And, for me, the fact that the pearls were caged were a very beautiful and subtle symbol of submission. I wore them with my silks that day, if I recall it correctly. And while I’m not exactly vehemently committed to the “Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue” concept, I think these pearls would very much have been a ‘something old’… and a precious something at that. Especially when that mom doesn’t come in much anymore and probably wouldn’t have been able to make the wedding.

Why blog my wedding dress? I don’t really know. I blogged a wedding dress during Fashion For Life that Shoen released… and yesterday Kiddo Oh from Dead Dollz sent a notice introducing the House of Brides portion of the Dead Dollz store… with wedding versions of most of, if not all of, her gowns. I requested a couple to blog, and so those will be coming in the next short while. But why this particular dress? I’m not sure.

Maybe it’s a way of admitting defeat?

And at the same time, do I hope that Wylder still reads this blog occasionally, sees the dress and has a momentary jaw-dropping moment? Sure I do. I’m only human… and a heavily emotional human at that. So would it make me smile to know that He had to stop and pick His jaw up off the floor for a moment? Sure it would.

Am I hung up on it? Is it what I’m living and breathing for? Nope.

Either way, He got His blog post. So if He is reading this… I hope He’s happy, or somehow satisfied that He does indeed still occupy enough space in my head to warrant a blog. *Shrugs* I’m too exhausted to be angry. And I’m too busy trying to put the jigsaw puzzle back together correctly.

*~* I Fell For Everything… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Belle (Natural tone; Freckles; Cleavage) – Aimi Skin ** new release! **
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Meadow (Hud 02) – Magika Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands): French Manicure Pastels (Classic) – Nailed It
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Eyeshadow: glow shadow (french roast) – Blackliquid
Lipgloss: gold sheer shimmer – Blackliquid
Gown: Miss V Belize 2014 Spirit Llewellyn MVW Gown – Romance Couture
Necklace/Earrings: Caged Pearls I (Classic White) – Earthstones
Bracelets/Ring: Lasya Collection – Lazuri
Body Glitter (on chest): Body Glitter – Deetalez (prim attachment)