When It Was An Old Back Road With An Old School Beat…

I wanna drop this cell phone now
And let it shatter on the ground
They ain’t holdin’ nothin’, these two hands
Until they’re holdin’ you again…

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“We both know that we lost it somehow.  Let’s get it found.”

As I’ve said before, I don’t often just throw something on out of a box, especially for a blog post… however, I absolutely love everything that Envious does.  SayaNicole really takes the time to think about the woman she’s designing for, and adds in just enough to give her a cohesive, well-put-together outfit without having to scramble around through a mess of an inventory.  For this, I usually display as much of each outfit as I can in her posts, and don’t do a lot of mix and matching.

Yes, it’s another one of the Lover’s Dictionary series posts.  Sorry if you’re getting sick of them.  There’s a whole BOOK full of these little snippets, so I’m not running out of stuff to write about any time soon.  Lol.

On another note, ooo look!  Tivi included furniture!  Lmao.  Sorry.  *Hugs you all for putting up with my randomness*  And this particular word/story from the book is super sappy and cute… so, prepare for that. Lol.

contiguous, adj.

I felt silly for even mentioning it, but once I did, I knew I had to explain.
“When I was a kid,” I said, “I had this puzzle with all fifty states on it – you know, the kind where you have to fit them all together.  And one day I got it in my head that California and Nevada were in love.  I told my mom, and she had no idea what I was talking about.  I ran and got those two pieces and showed it to her – California and Nevada, completely in love.  So a lot of the time when we’re like this” – my ankles against the backs of your ankles, my knees fitting into the backs of your  knees, my thighs on the backs of your legs, my stomach against your back, my chin folding into your neck – “I can’t help but think about California and Nevada, and how we’re a lot like them.  If someone were drawing us from above as a map, that’s what we’d look like; that’s how we are.”
For a moment, you were quiet.  And then you nestled in and whispered,
“Contiguous.”
And I knew you understood.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

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contiguous, adj.

I absolutely love to cuddle.  And it’s not even necessarily about, “I’ve had a bad day, can we cuddle?”  I just prefer cuddling to most things.  Hell, I even prefer cuddling to sex, let’s be honest.  (Past partners can certainly confirm that, likely through gritted teeth of frustration.)  It says so much about a person to be willing to just lay there, exchange warmth, be that source of security and safety for a moment, an hour, however long… and just… be.  Maybe you’re talking, maybe you’re not.  Maybe you’re just laying there listening to each other breathe.  There is something downright magical about cuddling with the right person.

I swear cuddling is like, test numero uno in a relationship for me.  *Laughs*  Can I cuddle with you?  Do you even want to cuddle without getting stir-crazy and annoying?  Do we fit together, or is it awkward?  Do you give me shit for being a cuddler?  Do you constantly try to get in my pants when we’re laying there cuddling?  I may be silent, but there are so many things going through my head when I’m cuddling with someone I actually care about, when there’s a relationship developing there.

Perhaps this is a bit of my over-analyzing everything.  But hey, cuddling is important, dammit!

The passage on “contiguous” in Lover’s Dictionary was actually the first one I read.  I picked the book up in the book store, flipped to a random page and there it was: a whole new perspective on cuddling and love, explained to me by the illustration of a map of the 50 states.  I never expected to learn about love that day, but I did… and I walked out of the book store with the book because of it.

I believe it was Ben… he and I made the California and Nevada references often.  I was Nevada, of course… cause I am the little spoon, always.  And Ben was California.  To this day, I don’t think I’ve used that reference with anyone else… I don’t even know that I’ve told anyone else about that story, and how, in a silly way, it spoke to me.  Only Ben.  That was a thing that was just ours, I guess.

I guess, in the map of the 50 states in my head, California has long since drifted into the Pacific Ocean.

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*~* When It Was An Old Back Road With An Old School Beat… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
*AlterEgo has a new store build coming, set to open on Feb 1st, so if you find problems trying to get into the sim, that could be it.  Make sure you join her group for the most recent updates!
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Wake Up (Dusk Palette) || Beusy
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom
Lipstick: Goth Lips 17 (from Goth Lips 3 pack) || Pekka
Outfit (inc. heels & head goggles): Victorious || Envious
* This outfit includes standard size & Belleza size tank tops and skirts, clothing layer leggings, Omega and TMP applier HUDs for leggings, Heels, Head Goggles, and 2 bracelets (not pictured)
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Tattoo: Bohemian Full 14008 (at 50% opacity) || Letis Tattoo

Bed (with poses): Kira Four-Post Bed (Cupid’s Repose) || Newchurch || REVAMPED
* I am posing on the adult version, which features single sleeping animations, cuddle animations, and adult animations.  There IS a PG version available for sale at the event as well.  The bed linens come with several color/pattern options all in one bed!
Dresser: Kira Four-Drawer Dresser (White) || Newchurch || REVAMPED
Nightstand: Kira Nightstand (White) || Newchurch || REVAMPED
Room Setting: Window 2.0 || KaTink

Blogging Tune: “Strip It Down” – Luke Bryan

Jewelry & Accessory Expo 2016 Press Release – Coming in February!

J&A Expo 2016 Teaser 1

Jewelry & Accessory Expo 2016
Feb. 26th-March 5th, 2016
􀀁
􀀀In Cabaret, au Cabaret, to Cabaret

Ladies and Gentlemen Siren Productions and SCALA invite you to a world of sin and depravity where the Boylesque Boys are HOT and the Cabaret Girls are dangerous. Come and join us along with Designing SL, ModeLS Magazine, ECLIPSE Magazine, THEMA Publications, ModeLS Magazine, Dope Magazine, L’Homme, MENStuff, WOMENStuff, and, SL Live Radio as we hit the world of burlesque for this years Jewelry & Accessory Expo 2016. Feb. 26th-March 5th, 2016 will be at the Cabaret with a little bit of vintage touches. We will see a bit of Dorothy Parkers NY, Cole Porters Broadway, Tin Pan Alley, and the Follies with a dash of a modern aesthetic to bring it all together. Find classic vintage finds mixed with seamed stockings and just a hint of modern to make it current.

Jewelry & Accessory Expo 2016 is set to kick off on Feb 26th, 2016 with shows from Lazuri and Zibska. Not to mention a host of wonderful other designers including Wicca’s Wardrobe, Lavian & Co., and Taox Tattoo to name a few. We have fun in store for you from over 60 fabulous designers of Jewelry, Shoes, Purses, Hats, Belts, Make-up, Headbands, Body Jewelry, and more. Faster Pussycat, PurpleMoon Creations, Tres Beau, Kunglers, and Meva, are only a small fraction of the designers who will be present. You will get to see all the creations from the designers on the runway on Friday Feb. 26th, 2015 at 5pm with Siren Productions and SCALA. There are shows and parties planned the entire week!

To stay up to date with goings on including an exciting Boylesque Boys show and one featuring the Cabaret Girls at Jewelry & Accessory Expo 2016 please be sure to visit http://sirenproductionsl.com to grab a complete schedule and more info. Do not forget to bring something to cool you down because your temperature is going to rise.

Prepare yourself for a rip roarin’ good time…

Sincerely,
Lexie Jansma
Siren Productions CEO
http://sirenproductionsl.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sirenproductions/

On My Own I’m Only Half Of What I Could Be…

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

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“We are stitched together, and what love has tethered, I pray we never undo.”

Apparently all I do is trash people in this blog.  *Laughs*  As any of you who have been here for any amount of time and actually READ this thing know… that is FAR from the truth… but let the people with more mouth than sense wag their tongues all they like.  And if any have managed to wander their way over here for this post because someone read this small paragraph and went running to them crying ‘drama’, please, take the complimentary doughnut pillow for your butt-hurt and have a seat.

Now that that’s out of the way, the REAL purpose of this post is the exact opposite of trashing (which, this sort of thing and other randomness is what makes up the vast majority of my blog… again, if you’ve been here for any length of time and actually read me, then you know that… lol).  I heard this song what feels like 86,000 times in the 12 hour drive to Indiana, and the 12 hour drive home when I went for my cousin’s Celebration of Life, and I couldn’t get it out of my head.

It made me think… and we all know what happens when Tivi thinks… she gets sappy.  LOL.

I’ve been given so many people in my life, both first and second, and more often than not, I find myself focused moreso on the self-centered assholes that use me and then leave.  I’m so blinded by those that hurt me, that I don’t really see those that don’t, nor do I appreciate them often enough.  And so, I thought I’d sorta put it out there, and focus on some of the amazing people that I’ve been given in my Second Life.

God gave me… Rayven.  I figured I’d start here with Him because He is the farthest in my past and the one from this list that I do not talk to any more.  My fault, and too long of a story to indulge in.  In a community full of people – particularly the Men in my life at that time – that would look at a weak woman as something easy to take advantage of, Rayven was the first Male to walk into my life and truly be a Man.  He saw a vulnerable woman in a horrible situation, and rather than thinking about what He could gain, and how He could most easily get what He wanted, He removed me from the situation and proceeded to focus on my safety and my well-being.  In turn, I did my best to serve Him in our relationship, but at the time I did not really have a grasp on the concept of simply ‘doing my duty’ versus truly VALUING a person’s presence in Your life.  Almost 3 years ago now, I did write Him a letter to express these things, and apologize for never valuing Him as much as He deserved, but I’m not sure if He ever read it.  Either way, the idea that Men like Rayven still exist out there somewhere, is honestly what keeps me from giving up on the idea entirely after going through another terrible situation.  A Gem found me once before.  Perhaps it will happen again.  They exist.

God also gave me… Reign.  Mostly to kick my ass when I need it, both in modeling and out.  But seriously.  At the time that I met a certain Miss Reign Congrejo, she came as a bit of a package deal with Sequoia, and both of them were what kept me from quitting modeling all together, almost immediately after I started.  I was involved in a HORRIBLE first pageant experience (ironically, the pageant that inspired me to write the letter to Rayven that I mentioned)… and I was considering simply being done.  We were lied to, verbally accosted at every turn any time someone asked a question or brought something up for clarification, titles were ripped from ladies with no reason, titles were held over our heads like the Sword of Damocles… and the whole thing was just a nightmare.  It wasn’t until I randomly showed up for a video casting that Reign and Sequoia were doing for their Colour of Couture pageant that I met them both, and they showed me a true experience with wonderful people.  To this day, Reign is still the swift kick in the ass I need, when I need it.

God also gave me… Iris.  Dear lord.  A dancer who has just as much, if not more, passion as I do about it… is just as subbie, if not more, outside of dance as I am… and has just as many, if not more (lol), pet peeves as I do about dance and needs someone to rant to.  Iris and I were like a friendship match in freaking heaven.  I am super over-bearing and pushy when I’m stubbornly passionate about something and clinging to it… and she totally puts up with it.  Lol.  I am also super protective of her when she lets me in the deeper things…. and she also puts up with that.  And I know she gets easily frazzled and do my best to make her breathe.  (“Breathe, bitches!”)  Iris is about the only person besides mama that I would trust as a dance teacher to learn from, because she is just as passionate about seeing the individual succeed… not beating the individuality out of them.  And she comes up with zany dance exhibition ideas that let me do crazy dances I’d never get to do anywhere else!

God also gave me… Mama (Rya)!  Oh my god.  This woman… is a pain in my ass.  But a lovable pain in my ass.  Lol.  Mama is another one that kinda saves me from quitting things when the frustration over politics and other general bullshit gets to be too much for me.  Where Reign keeps me from quitting modeling, Rya keeps me from quitting dance.  I never knew the woman was a Gorean dancer when I first met her.  I met her when I was dancing in clubs and just generally hanging out and getting to know people, back when I first joined SL between 7 and 8 years ago.  Later, she became my dance manager, and we were talking one night and she just so happened to mention that she’d started dancing in a place called Gor.  I’d just started roleplaying there off and on and had started dancing myself… and from there, we were pretty much inseparable.  Mama is another one that wishes to see the individual dancer succeed, and share her individual heart, rather than beating the individuality out of them, and I love her to death for it.  It takes a special kind of person to put up with my brand of bullshit every day for 7 years now and still call me her daughter.  LOL.

God also gave me… Sarah.  I swear, if she wasn’t Rya’s daughter, she would be mine.  I really hope that she doesn’t take offense to this analogy, but it’s the only thing I can think of at the moment to describe just the sorts of things Sarah has taught me about myself… you know how sometimes in Health class (or even Science class)… or if your parents are a special brand of twisted, you do this at home too, maybe for punishment… you’re given an egg and you have to take care of it and keep it from breaking?  Or a sack of flour… depending on your school system/parent.  Or the child development classes that give you the fake baby?  Or even parents that try to instill these values of caring in their children by getting them a pet to take care of.  When Sarah started in the classes and let us really get to know her, I connected with her in a way I had never connected with another human being before.  I cared for her, not in a romantic way (lawd… my sister/daughter-figure… that’d be weird), but in a way that so deeply transcended friendship I wouldn’t hesitate to snap the neck of someone who hurt her in any way.  When you go through a lot of negative things in your life like I have – and many of us have – sometimes it desensitizes you and dehumanizes you a bit to the world around you.  Sarah is what keeps me grounded and connected to my inner “decent human being”.

And last but not least, for this completely non-comprehensive list, God gave me… Nova.  (I can picture her getting a little grumbly the more she read, thinking she might not be on the list.  LOL.)  Nova, Nova, Nova.  What can I say about Nova?  Well first of all, it’s all Sam’s fault that I even know her, let alone like her so much.  LOL.  And my Sam’s fault, I mean a collective burden between myself and Sam.  Sam was a friend from college who lived in my dorm building and ran the night desk a lot of nights.  If ever I was up late at night and couldn’t sleep, I’d text her and see if she was running the desk in our building, and if she was, I’d go downstairs and hang out for a bit.  Occasionally I’d bring my laptop, and one day she got a look at it while I was logged into SL.  “What’s that?”  (The dreaded first question, am I right?)  I explained SL to her and she made an avi shortly after and started exploring.  She’d mentioned she’d gotten a friend of hers involved as well, though I later found out that Nova had actually tried SL once before and just hadn’t logged in often or found anything she really liked about it yet before Sam mentioned it to her again.  And so because she was Sam’s friend, obviously I met her.  I even roomed with them for a couple months in real life after college to get out of a not-so-fantastic home situation.  All in all, Nova is just an amazing person.  She puts her all into everything she does and tries her damnedest to do it all to the best of her ability all the time.  It makes me giggle to listen to her get frustrated with herself over the smallest shit, and talk to herself while she’s styling/designing/photographing/doing anything really.  And of course, when we’re in Skype, between my shitty internet and her haunted laptop that likes to randomly switch inputs on her, I can only ever really hear clearly when she’s talking about testicles, nothing else.  My life is far better from having Nova in it.

And those are just a select few of the people in my life that God has given me, that I don’t show appreciation to often enough.  I don’t really do ‘New Year’s resolutions’, but if I did, I would say that one of them… a GOAL, per se, is to consider this more positive side of people more often.  Like I said, I think in my last post, my therapist keeps trying to drill into my head that I can’t just assume the worst of people just because they are similar to people in my past, or the situation we’re in is similar.  And I’m trying to do that.  😀

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*~* On My Own I’m Only Half Of What I Could Be… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Natural pupil) || IKON
Hair: Amber (Brunettes) || Spellbound
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Eye Makeup: Mya Makeup (manually tinted) || Nuuna
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom
Gown: Queen Gorgo Draped Ancient Dress (Plum) || Kaithleen’s || Recent Release!

Pose (photo 1): Statue 7 || Posesion
Pose (photo 2): Cute 5 mirror || Vitalis Animatum

Location: Pandora Box of Dreams

Blogging Tune: “God Gave Me You” – Blake Shelton

Can We Just Be Broken Together?

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?

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“If you can bring your shattered dreams, and I’ll bring mine… could healing still be spoken and save us?”

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, and because I’m kinda in the mood for it, I’ma do another one of the Lover’s Dictionary series posts.  Buuuuuut before I jumped into the word, I wanted to say a huge thank you to my newest sponsor, SayaNicole Cuttita from Envious.  Envious has been one of my favorite brands since I stepped out of roleplay the first time (gods, in 2009?) and first cared about what my avatar looked like.  It’s very rare that I will wear an outfit ‘out of the box’, or multiple pieces from the same outfit, but with Saya’s designs, I always do… cause it’s just so damned awesome.  So thank you, Saya!

cajole, v.

I didn’t understand how someone from a completely landlocked state could be so terrified of sharks.  Even in the aquarium, I had to do everything to get you to come close to the tank.  Then, in the Natural History Museum, I couldn’t say Quiet any longer.
“It’s not alive,” I said.  “It can’t hurt you.”
But you held back, and I was compelled to push you into the glass.
What did it matter to me?  Did I think that by making you rational about one thing, I could make you rational about everything?
Maybe.  Or maybe I just wanted to save you from your fears.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

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cajole, v.

I am positively terrified of damn near everything.  Some of my fears are rational… I’ve had bad experiences with them in the past, which make me incredibly wary of being in similar situations.  Some of my fears, however, are completely irrational; I’ve never been involved in a damn thing even close to it.  There is zero reason for it.  And yet, here I sit… completely petrified.

The problem, though, is that You tried to convince me that the things I was rationally afraid of, were, in fact, irrational fears.  That the things in my past should simply stay there, and should never have any sort of impact on my future judgment or future feelings.  While I agree to a certain extent… that I should never PUNISH people in my future for the mistakes of those in my past… I do have to assert that my past experiences will make me wary, and that this is perfectly ok.

The first time I put my hand on the burning hot stove as a child, I learned damn well never to do that again.  My brain works the same way with most everything else.

My therapist tells me I can’t assume everyone is a bad person, just because they exude similar qualities to bad people in my past… or because I am in a similar situation that I was in in my past around bad people (i.e. I can’t assume all my classmates that are nice to me want to use me because I’m doing well)… however I still believe there’s a difference between that, and being cautious.

Or being genuinely afraid.  I was afraid of you.  That was the bottom line.

And there was only so much I could take of being constantly told that everything I said and did was irrational, no matter how rational it actually was.

And then the silence happened.  So, I guess that was that.

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*~* Can We Just Be Broken Together? *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Warrior (Brunettes) || Spellbound
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom
Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks (Red; Matte; Deep) || Pink Fuel
Dress & Heels: Maria Dress (15) || Envious
* Dress includes standard sizes, sizes for Slink Physique, and Belleza Venus/Isis/Freya
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Arm Tattoo: Atinne (Black) || Common Gacha Item || Things
Leg Tattoo:  Vayiane (Black) || Common Gacha Item || Things

Pose (photo 1): Statue 7 || Posesion
Pose (photos 2 & 3): Mortius 10 || Posesion

Backdrop: 9 rue du Marteau. Brussels || Common Gacha Item || Rowne

Blogging Tune: “Broken Together” – Casting Crowns