You’re Just Another Day That Keeps Me Breathing…

You’re just a hideaway, You’re just a feeling
You let my heart escape, beyond the meaning
Pulling my head into the clouds, I’m floating off
When You get me going, I can’t find a way to stop…

Hideaway1FINAL

I’m so obsessed with this book… lol.  I’ve got to do another word today.  Sorry if any of you don’t like these.  Just lookit the pretty pictures and lookit the credits if there’s something you want, if that’s the case.  😀

akin, adj.

I noticed on your profile that you said you loved “Charlotte’s Web”.  So it was something we talked about on that first date, about how the word radiant sealed it for each of us, and how the most heartbreaking moment isn’t when Charlotte dies, but when it looks like all of her children will leave Wilbur, too.
In the long view, did it matter that we shared this?  Did it matter that we both drank coffee at night and both happened to go to Barcelona the summer after our senior year?  In the long view, was it such a revelation that we were both ticklish and that we both liked dogs more than cats?  Really, weren’t these facts just placeholders until the long view could truly assert itself?
We were painting by numbers, starting with the greens.  Because that happened to be our favorite color.  And this, we figured, had to mean something.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

Hideaway2FINAL

akin, adj.

He doesn’t like Zombies.  Or, at least, that’s what I assume, because he’s not exactly super into having riveting discussion after the latest drama-filled episode of The Walking Dead.  There are very few shows that I watch religiously, and this is one of them.  But television has never been a dealbreaker for me.

Of course, this was the small crack that made me wonder, what else don’t we agree on?

But then there are the other things.  We both believe in Dominance tempered with compassion.  That a Dominant doesn’t have to be an unconditional hard-ass in order to get things done and fulfill their role.  We both are not a fan of horror movies.  We both have the tendency to stop watching things if there’s something we know happens that we don’t want to/can’t deal with.  And while these things may come to grow less and less significant the more and more we learn about each other, the fact remains that these little similarities are what keeps things going.

Think about it.  If I didn’t have anything in common with Him, would I find Him half as interesting?  Perhaps.  So long as his views didn’t /directly/ conflict with mine, then I would certainly be interested in hearing them.  But if they didn’t really jive… then what?  Where do you go from there?

Having things in common is nearly essential in this ‘getting to know you’ phase of everything.

And as you grow?  One thing has always stuck with me from a person in my past.  They used to tell me, “Where we don’t align, we mesh.”  That, I think is key.  Sure, we’re not going to agree on everything… and I don’t think I’d want to.  If I were to ‘date’ a carbon copy of myself, I’d go crazy.  But if we can co-exist in our differences?  I’d be the happiest girl in the world.

No, really.  I’m not sure you’re aware how awesome this is.  🙂

Hideaway3FINAL

*~* You’re Just Another Day That Keeps Me Breathing… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Chrissy Applier for Lelutka Head (Ivory Tone) || Swallow
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Natural Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st!
Hair: Foxy (Gingers) || Truth Hair || Uber || new release!
Head: Stella Head (v1.3) || Lelutka
Body: Physique Mesh Body (v2.9) || Slink
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Glitter Silver Set || Nailed It
Eyeliner Applier: from Chrissy Skin Head Applier (Ivory Tone) || Swallow
Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska
Top: Thermal Henley (Gray) || The Annex || Cosmopolitan || new release!
Jeans: Mia Jeans (Midnight) || Blueberry
Sandals: Akira Sandals (Black) || Pure Poison
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Necklace: Zulaikha Lattice Necklace || Maxi Gossamer
Hand Bracelets: Gaia Hands (Dark) || Common Gacha Item || Aisling

Electric Poles (photo 3): Power Poles 3 || [we’re CLOSED]
Beanbag (photo 2): Beanbag Leather (Dirty Brown) || [we’re CLOSED]
Light Strand (photo 2): Party Lights (Small) || [we’re CLOSED]
Swing (photo 1): Tyre Swing || [we’re CLOSED]

Location: Hazardous

Blogging Tune: “Hideaway” (Acoustic) – Kiesza

If You Talk Enough Sense Then You’ll Lose Your Mind…

I’ll use you as a makeshift gauge
Of how much to give and how much to take
I’ll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind…

IFound2FINAL

“I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be: right in front of me.  Talk some sense to me.”

I read a book today.  Literally started at page one and finished the end.  Though to be fair, it was only just over 200 pages, and the way the book was setup, most of the pages were not full pages.  Some even only had a couple sentences on it.  “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan.  You may recognize the name, as he’s the same author who wrote “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist”, which was adapted into a movie in 2008.  (God, was it that long ago?)  Though he does not specify whether the nameless narrator is himself, making this more “creative non-fiction”, or if it is truly two fictional characters.  The book defines itself as a novel, making me suspect the latter, however, its rawness makes me wonder…

The way the book is set-up… and this is what I loved about it… was words from the dictionary, organized alphabetically.  And each of these words has a memory associated with it.  They are not long things.  Some are longer than others, but the longest was maybe a full front and back page with a few lines on the next page.  So you can see how easy it was to become so fully engrossed in this book that I read it cover-to-cover over a total of about 3 or 4 hours today.

I loved the book so much… that I think I may occasionally pick and choose words/quotes from it and share them with you… while sharing my own stories that relate to such words.  Writing my own ‘cover’ of sorts to this book, gradually.  This is especially useful on days like today, when I have 3 photos to share instead of 2.  *Laughs*

I think I’m going to start with the first one, not only because it’s the first one and a perfect introduction to the book and its style, but because it’s very appropriate to the concept of Second Life and the people we meet here.

aberrant, adj.

“I don’t normally do this kind of thing,” you said.
“Neither do I,” I assured you.
Later, it turned out we had both met people online before, and we had both slept with people on first dates before, and we had both found ourselves falling too fast before.  But we comforted ourselves with what we really meant to say, which was: “I don’t normally feel this good about what I’m doing.”
Measure the hope of that moment, that feeling.
Everything else will be measured against it.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

IFound1FINAL

aberrant, adj.

It doesn’t normally take me a year and a half to sit down and have an extensive conversation with someone that I’m attracted to.  In most situations, I do like conversation and talking… even if it’s not with the /intention/ of getting to know someone… and, in fact, I tend to like general conversation better.  You get to know someone more that way.  When they don’t feel like they’re being interrogated, they’re more natural with you.  More at ease.  More likely to show you the person they are, rather than the person they think you want to see.

But that didn’t even happen.  So why did it take this long with him?

Well first of all, he wasn’t around much.  That helps.  *Laughs*  But mostly?  I was scared.  I still am scared.  Knowing what I know and being where I’ve been, things just don’t tend to end prettily when I’m involved.  And so why should I operate on the assumption that this will be any different?  That thought kept me safe for a year and a half.  Was it fair?  Not in the slightest.  It’s not fair to subject everyone in my future to the mistakes of everyone in my past.  But did it allow me to stay guarded enough to not end up too close?  For a year and a half it did.

Now?  Now all bets are pretty much off.  And even if I’m scared… I still feel safe.  If that makes any sense.  And so everything else moving forward will be measured against that.

IFound3FINAL

*~* If You Talk Enough Sense Then You’ll Lose Your Mind… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Chrissy Applier for Lelutka Head (Ivory Tone) || Swallow
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Arid Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st!
Hair: Jana (Redheads) || Elikatira
Head: Stella Head (v1.3.) || Lelutka
Body: Physique Mesh Body (v2.9) || Slink
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Style Icon Set (Josephine) || Nailed It
Eyeliner Applier: from Chrissy Skin Head Applier (Ivory Tone) || Swallow
Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska
Top & Pants: A Hazy Shade Of Winter (Bag 3) || LaVian & Co || Boho Culture Fair
Heels: Alex Heels || LaVian & Co
Necklace/Bracelet/Ring: Kaya Collection || Lazuri

Bench (photo 3): Park Bench || [we’re CLOSED]

Pose (photo 1): vaki_three || oOo Studios
Pose (photo 2): Inertia 03 || Ma Vie

Location: Hazardous

Blogging Tune: “I Found” – Amber Run

Who You Gonna Pray To When You’re There?

Oh, don’t be scared about it
Don’t forget it was real
Do you remember the way it made you feel?
Do you remember the things it let you feel?

DoYouRemember1FINAL

“Call me when you’ve made up your mind, but you won’t.”

Gah!  There’s another round of The Epiphany open!  *Dances*

I think The Epiphany has to be one of my favorite Gacha events on the grid at the moment… not because of the creators or the items or the themes or anything of that nature, because I’m about as fickle as most people when it comes to that kind of thing.  Sometimes one event’s theme appeals to me, and other times I find myself thinking, “THAT’S the theme you’re going with?”  No, the reason that The Epiphany is my favorite, is because it’s PRACTICAL.

I /may/ have explained this before when I blogged Epiphany items from the last round, but the way it works at The Epiphany is you play the gacha machines like normal, get the things you want, etc etc.  But rather than having to try and sell the extras, or give them away, or end up with a bunch of useless extra commons in colors you wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole, let alone have a use for, you can simply rez them on the ground and choose to “Redeem” them for Epiphany Points!

What are Epiphany points?  That’s the super exciting part!  People that like exclusive items you can’t get anywhere else should probably lean forward and pay extra close attention.

Epiphany points are what you use to get EXCLUSIVE items that the Designers have created for that round.  These items CANNOT be found in the gacha machine and CANNOT be purchased outright.  And, to my understanding, they will not be available after the event.  Epiphany points are the ONLY way to get these items.  Sometimes they’re an additional piece for the set, sometimes they’re an exclusive color variation, other times they’re something completely different.  I remember the first item that was an “Exclusive” bought with Epiphany points that I got from the last round was a gorgeous Dead Dollz gown.

So I popped over to The Epiphany last night… and it was almost ironic.  I couldn’t have planned it better.  I was walking around, playing each machine I liked a couple of times… just to feel it out and see how lucky I was for the night… lol.  Got some things I really wanted in the first few pulls.  And all the while, I’m in a Skype call with an old friend who has been mostly absent from SL for the last 2 years of so.

I’m going to give you a minute to pause and imagine everything this man has missed in the last 2 years.  LOL.

He knows what Gachas are, but hasn’t really played them… so I was explaining to him the concept of not only Gachas, but The Epiphany, and he mentioned that he knew some people get addicted to them.  He asks me, “Are you addicted to them, Tivi?”  I laugh and tell him not really, but that there are a few designers whose machines I play religiously, and will likely play until I have a full set, because I just always love everything they put out.  Designers like Aisling, Zenith, Kibitz, Haste.  And as I was saying this, I was walking past Zenith’s booth… and what did I see, but yet another machine that I feel like I’m going to be playing quite a lot in the coming days!

For now, I just pulled twice, and managed to grab this dress and the adorable handbag, and just had to throw it together.  There was a gorgeous patch of flowers overlooking the lake and frozen mountains of the Epiphany sim decoration, so after styling this with a few more odds and ends, including a Rare complete tattoo set that White Widow is offering in their machine at this round of The Epiphany as well, I went back to the sim to photograph this look.

My encouragement to you would be to check this event out.  If you’ve ever been frustrated with having nothing to do with your extras, this particular event solves that problem splendidly, along with having some pretty amazing creations from some of the most talented artists and designers on the grid.  I’m sure I’ll be frequenting the event during this round to pick up pieces I’m missing.

The other thing I’m wearing today that’s new, is another update to the Lelutka mesh head.  Today I received version 1.3, which is compounding on the recently released “Expressions” concept.  Just a few days ago, the Express Yourself button was added to the HUDs to allow for facial expressions with 3 eye options, 4 eyebrow options, and 7 mouth options… but now it gets event better.  Version 1.3 comes with gestures that will allow chat commands to activate certain expressions in 8 second cycles… but here’s the part I’m super excited about: There is a new API that will allow for things like Photo props to change the expression AND for accessories like piercings and eyelashes to MOVE WITH the Expressions.  I think this is one thing people have been longing to see, as I’ve seen several asking for updates to the lashes, or the ability to wear their own… which you can currently do but they don’t blink with your eyes.  With this new API, there comes the ability for creators to change this… and I’m really watching on the edge of my seat to see where this goes!  Creators who want more information about this API can visit Lelutka’s page HERE.

(Also, it should be noted, that this song, and my incessant playing of it for the last 24 hours is entirely Genesis’ fault.  LOL.  He linked me to this, and then he linked me to an acoustic version, and I’m just in lurrrrrrve with this man’s voice.  And the backbeat to this version is just so… different.  It’s such a fusion of everything I love.  Gah!)

DoYouRemember2FINAL

*~* Who You Gonna Pray To When You’re There? *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Default Lelutka Stella Head  (Artic Tone) || Glam Affair (from Lelutka Head HUD)
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st!
Hair: Lucrecia (Gingers) || Truth Hair
Head: Stella Head (v1.3) || Lelutka || **new update 10/23/15**
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Half Glitter Fall 2015 || -{ZOZ}- || **new location 10/22/15**
Eyeliner Applier: from Chrissy Skin Head Applier (Ivory Tone) || Swallow
Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska || *”blend” lowered to lighten color*
Dress: Spiked Dress (Grey) || Common Gacha Item || Zenith || The Epiphany
* This is exclusively for the Maitreya Lara mesh body and is not guaranteed to work with others
Boots: Adrianna Boots || Pure Poison || Collabor88
Nosechain: Faust Nose Chain (Gold) || RandomMatter
Handbag: Leather Bone Handbag (Rose) || Common Gacha Item || Zenith || The Epiphany
Full Body Tattoo: Southpaw (White) || RARE Gacha Item || White Widow || The Epiphany
* Maitreya/Eve/Belleza/Sking Brazilia Doll/TMP/Omega appliers & Slink Hand appliers included

Pose (photo 1): Runway I 5 – Level 4 || Vitalis Animatum
Pose (photo 2): Big Coat 6 – L4 || Vitalis Animatum

Location: The Epiphany

Blogging Tune: “Do You Remember” – Jarryd James

Blood Thicker Than The Champagne…

Ooo, we’re makin’ moves
You only doin’ what my power lets you do
You see, that money isn’t everybody’s thing
When it come to power, there can only be one king

AintAboutTheMoney2FINAL

“Blood is thicker than water, but b.s. is the thickest.”

It’s amazing how I can blog something and completely believe in it, and then, like, 10 minutes later, completely flip my opinion.  No catalyst, no nothing.  Just be thinking more about it and realize just how damn mad I am about it.

Because you know… I’ve been the supportive friend for a long time.  I’ve smiled and nodded when inside I’ve been SCREAMING, “This is a baaaaaaaaad idea.”  And even when we were together, I told him, “I will 110% support anything you choose to do, except taking her back.  That is the /one/ thing that will make me leave.”  And still, somewhere in his mind, going back to that… mess… was a better option.  A better idea.

And going back, only lead to the most recent break-up with the outing situation.  That I STILL can’t wrap my mind around how he just has seemed to up and manage to forgive her.

I honestly don’t think I can smile and nod anymore.  Because it’s a bad idea.  She’s a bad person.  And I used to think he deserved better.

The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and yet expecting different results… and that has been what I’ve observed from this man the entire time I’ve known him.  She comes across so sweet sometimes.  She’s one of those people that’s /really/ good at showing one face to other people, but being a completely different person behind closed doors.

I’m not terribly certain how comfortable I would be conducting an SL relationship with someone who made me break up with my RL partner whom I live with (yeah…. don’t get me started… I think I’ve commented on that before…), rezzed spy equipment in my sim to make sure I’m not back with said RL partner in SL… verbally abused me when I found said spy equipment and ended it with her… outed very personal real life information of mine the next time we broke up, with no regard to me as a person or as the person she supposedly loved… I don’t know how I could possibly forgive and forget all that and just go back into a relationship like nothing happened.

And I have ZERO idea how I could do that and EXPECT IT TO WORK THIS TIME.

I’m just over here beating my head against the desk in frustration like… I used to think he was a good person under bad influence.  And I clung to that idea so damn tight.  When everyone else told me otherwise.  When everyone else tried to make me see things he was doing that had nothing to do with her.  Decisions he was making on his own to betray and screw over his friends.  I refused to see it.  “She makes him this way,” I repeated, like a broken record.

Like a damn mantra that made my pathetic defense of him ok.

No more.  All doing this has ever done has allowed him to keep some sort of power over me, and that sure as hell isn’t healthy for me.  Not in the slightest.  Sometimes listening to other people can be a good thing, and it’s time that I start listening to my family and friends who actually give a damn about my well-being, telling me that this friendship and caring that I have for this man is not a good thing.  My closeness to him is detrimental to me.

So, my apologies that this is super ranty and rawr.  And that it’s a complete flip of yesterday’s blog.  And perhaps it’s even reminiscent of “old Tivi”, spilling tea all over the damn place… but I just… god damn, I’ve held back too much for too long.  And when you personally make a fool out of me by doing the same stupid shit when by now you should KNOW better… hell nah.  I’m done.

I’m out.  I’m not putting you back together when she does something else to ruin you.  Not my circus, not my monkeys.

AintAboutTheMoney1FINAL

*~* Blood Thicker Than The Champagne… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Default Lelutka Stella Head (Artic Tone) || Glam Affair (from Lelutka Head HUD)
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st!
Hair: Strange and Unusual (Reds; bow tinted manually) || Exile || Collabor88
Head: Stella Head (v1.2) || Lelutka || **new update! 10/20/15**
* Allows for Expressions; 3 eye options, 4 eyebrow options, 7 mouth options
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Natural Rose Black || -{ZOZ}- || **new location! 10/22/15**
Eyeliner Applier: from Chrissy Skin Head Applier (Ivory tone) || Swallow
Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska || Uber
Dress: Ribbons Undone Dress (Metallics) || Deche || not in store yet, but will be soon!
Boots: Adrianna Boots || Pure Poison || Collabor88
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story
Collar: Gothic Choker Victorian Collar (Black) || Zenith || Collabor88
Bracelets: Dark Queen Bracelets || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story
Rings: Dark Queen Rings || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story
Tattoo: Imperial Tattoo (Fresh) || Things
* Belleza/Omega/Slink/TMP appliers/standard tattoos included; fresh & faded versions

Pose (photo 1): Heavenly Creatures 09 || Ma Vie
Pose (photo 2): Eternal Beauty 6 || NanTra

Location: Fallen Ones Realm

Blogging Tune: Ain’t About the Money – Jussie Smollett & Yazz ft. Empire Cast

I Can Hear The Battle Cry, At War With My Heart And Mind…

Even though all of my fears
And all of my doubts
Are outside my door, ready for war
Right here and now…

BattleCry1FINAL

“I refuse to lose this battle, let whatever come my way.  I am stronger than my rival.  No, I will not fall today.”

It never ceases to amaze me just how much some people will allow themselves to take.

Now, granted, I’m not exactly the poster child for standing up against the bullshit and fighting for what I know I deserve… *laughs*  Those that know me best will tell you that I stick around in bad situations far too long, particularly when it comes to personal, often romantic, relationships.  I guess I’ve been so violently conditioned that everything is my fault, that I simply assume what’s wrong with the relationship is something I can eventually fix, so I stick around trying to fix it.

But a one-sided relationship doesn’t survive very long.

However, one thing I will say for myself… is that I am beginning to /see/ these things when they are happening.  And I am gradually getting to the point where I am refusing to stand for it more often than not.  I am blaming myself less.  I am letting it go and letting it be what it is.  I am owning my portion of what went wrong, while still recognizing that it is not ALL me.  It is not MY fault that my last relationship did not know what he (she) wanted and ran off 2 days after I was released to hide on a slave alt and become collared to someone.  That is not my fault.  That is their own identification crisis that he (she) needs to workout for himself (herself).

((Edit 10/22/15: It’s been brought to my attention that my subject changed, per a usual Tivi, very abruptly and it may not have been noticeable.  The person ABOVE this statement is a different person than the one BELOW it.  Just offering clarity, to be fair to all parties involved.  And continuing to leave names out of it, for fairness as well.  ❤ Tivi ))

What kills me… is when people don’t see it.  When people remain how I used to be.  And they stick around.  Convinced it will get better.  Or they go back after they finally get out… convinced it will be different.  But I have news for you, love… if you keep doing the same things with the same person, you’re going to get the same result.  Nothing is going to change if the two of you don’t change, and if the relationship as a whole doesn’t change.  It’s going to end up the same way it has before.

And I can’t do a damn thing to stop it.  It’s not my relationship.  It’s not my place.

No matter how much I loved him at one time in my life.  No matter how much I care for him as a close friend and confidant (when he lets me… heh).  I can’t stop him from making the same dumbass mistakes with the same horrible human being.  Because ultimately they’re his decisions.  They’re his mistakes to make.  And if he wants to keep making them for the rest of his life and subjecting himself to that… then that’s his choice.

I can only be here to try and help put the pieces back together again when it inevitably blows up… again… like it always does.

To be honest, I really thought this time was the last time.  She did some incredibly horrible things.  Now granted, I thought she’d done some horrible things when he and I were together, after they’d broken up… sending people to harass him… verbally assaulting him on the daily.  Gradually just the assaulting and annoyance turned into outright verbal abuse, questioning his role in their relationship, his manhood, insulting everything that she could manage to find to tear him down.  But this last time, no this last time was the worst.  From what I understand, she outed him to several people.  And I won’t say what, specifically, else that makes me no better than she is, as there are several things it could be… however, I don’t know if I would be able to find it within myself to not only forgive and forget that someone did that to me… but take them back into my life as a “lover, partner, and best friend”.

But maybe that’s just me, and the level of self-respect that I’ve gained in my own growth.

All I know, is that the battle is beginning all over again, it seems.  And so I will stand in his corner, as I have always done.  And I will smile and nod and be happy for him if he is happy, as I have always done.  And when it inevitably falls apart again, I will be there as much as he allows, as I have always done.

And then a month or two later, the volatile cycle will repeat itself, I suppose.

I don’t think this battle will ever end.  He won’t let it.

BattleCry2FINAL

*~* I Can Hear The Battle Cry, At War With My Heart And Mind… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Default Lelutka Stella Head (Artic Tone) || Glam Affair (from Lelutka Head HUD)
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st!
Hair: Hair For Headshawl (from Belly Dancer Mahtab) || Soedara
Head: Stella Head (v1.2) || Lelutka || **new update! 10/20/15**
* Allows for Expression in Photo 2; 3 eye options, 4 eyebrow options, 7 mouth options
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Falling Leaves Fall French || -{ZOZ}-
Eyeliner Applier: Basic Eyeshadow Applier (Option 1; included w/ Head) || Lelutka
Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska || Uber
Shawl: Pashmina || Ghee || L$1 Gift from Fall15 Collection!
Sweater: Cable Knit Turtleneck (Persimmon) || Ghee || new from Fall15 Collection!
* Standard/Slink/Maitreya/Omega Appliers; several collar variations
Jeans: Mia Jeans (Midnight) || Blueberry
* Standard/Slink/Maitreya/Freya/Venus/Isis sizes, Regular & Tucked in versions
Heels: Caty Wedges || KC Couture
* Slink High/Maitreya/Belleza/TMP versions
Nosechain: Faust Nose Chain (Gold) || Random.Matter || Uber
Bracelets: Dark Queen Bracelets (some parts hidden) || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story

Pose (photo 1): Pose200 || -slouch-
Pose (photo 2): Pose136 || -slouch-

Blogging Tune: “Battle Cry” – Jussie Smollett ft. Empire Cast

Well Let Me Introduce You To Grace…

There’s got to be more than going back and forth
From doing right to doing wrong
Cause we were taught that’s who we are…

Flawless2FINAL

“Come on, get in line right behind me.  You along with everybody thinking there’s worth in what you do.”

Yes, I had a bit of a “post-MVW” crisis… which is like a mid-life crisis, but for pixels… and changed a vast majority of my appearance.  I may keep it, cause I kinda like it.  But for now, it’s nice to feel like someone else.

This is my reflection.  So if you’re not in the mood for the feels and the emotions, I’m giving you a bit of warning to click away…

5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

Ok, now then.

My MVW journey ended yesterday.  Well, I guess technically it ended Saturday, as that was the last challenge I participated in.  However, the list of the Top 12 (turned Top 13, due to a tie) came out yesterday.  And my name, nor my country, were there.  And as such, my journey through the process ends.  Cut short.  I was… sort of… prepared for it to happen.  After all, we were told that the Top 12 would move on, which would mean that 21 of us would not.  All that changed was that 12 became 13 to be fair to the tie, so 21 became 20.  And my name was one of the 20.

I’m going to be completely honest throughout.  I’ve never been anything less than honest.  And in doing so, keep in mind this comes from an emotional place.  But I think that’s important too.  To come from that emotional place to provide the most honest, truthful reflection on my experience as possible.  Though why didn’t I write this last night?  There is a difference between writing from an emotional place and writing from a raw place.  I didn’t want to be raw here.  And I was last night.  Right now, I think I’m at that point where I’m still sad, but together enough to be honest, yet polite.

Not that I would’ve been a raging bitch last night.  *Laughs*  Just a bit less adept at saying what I wanted to say.

This experience was amazing.  And for 2013, 2014, and 2015 MVW, I got to sit on the sideline and watch beautiful women have this amazing journey and hear about how wonderful of a growth experience it was.  In 2013 when I was still brand spanking new, I thought they were full of shit.  LOL.  Like, how can a competition be THAT profound that you grow THAT much as a person by playing dress-up?  I was /so/ green back then, though.  2014, I got to see it a little closer, because I could follow from the beginning.  And I had a few people I could root for!  I remember during the last audition, the one time I got to walk, when I was so disappointed I didn’t make it (50 people walking for 5 spots, those odds were against me anyway… LOL) CottonCandy had told me it was her third year trying, and she’d finally gotten in.  So there was hope.

2015 I sat back and watched.  It was the first time MVW would be run under new ownership, and I wanted to see it in action first.  And I watched as Eleseren became Miss Virtual World and commenced one of THE most amazing reigns I think I’ve ever seen.  The thing about Eles is that… she won… but she never once ACTED like she won.  She remained humble throughout.  She was still ‘just one of us’.  And it was amazing to just talk to her, about anything and everything.  So much so, that I did so as often as I could.  Lol.

So this year rolled around and I was determined.  Damn determined.  And either my determination paid off, or I got extremely lucky, because I was granted a walk after the first headshot submission, and I got in from the first live audition.  I became Miss Virtual ♛ Iceland 2016.  Saying that even now is still really surreal.  I told the story of Why Iceland in a previous blog post, so I won’t reiterate that.  And I also told the story of the first serious conversation I had with Eles as a Miss about being looked at as a First Lady.

Damn if I didn’t try to put myself in that light EVERY time I said or did anything.  Did I slip occasionally?  Yeah.  We’re all human.  But I would say that at times when I spoke with poise and dignity, still using “please” most specifically, to request something of someone, when inside my mind was SCREAMING, “Oh my god, go fuck yourself,” I’d call that an improvement.  Lol.  I swallowed my tongue a few times and dialed back a lot.  And you know… I stressed a hell of a lot less that way.  So that’s something I definitely intend to continue with.  Even if I don’t have to police it as meticulously as I did throughout this process.

Then there were the challenges.  The thing about me that still haunts me… I was graduating one of the several classes I’ve taken over the years, and I was still wrapping my head around ‘designer inspiration’ type challenges, and just… completely missed the mark.  And the comment that was given to me was, “I can see that you’re a minimalist, but perhaps come out of that box once in awhile, honey.”  Me?  A minimalist?  Oh god.  That was an opinion I had to fix REAL fast.  Lol.  And from that point, I worked to push most any challenge that I was given, fitting the assigned theme, but I became a more ‘high fashion’ stylist in style challenges.  My blog may not reflect that 68% of the time (yes, a number I pulled out of my ass), but for styling challenges, that was my aim, always.

So when we were given challenges like our first… Lady Marmalade Meets Zumanity… my thought was not only how could I incorporate both… but how could I make those high fashion.  Same with The Fifth Element… which was the one challenge that made my standing in the competition a question mark to me the entire time.  The Fifth Element challenge was defined as Sci-Fi Haute Couture, and it was also Eles’ tribute challenge.  But when I showed up, in a mix and match inspired by the Fifth Element, Haute Couture, Jean Paul Gaultier, and Eles herself… to see a vast majority having gone straight sci-fi with it… I was so damn lost.  And I wasn’t sure if that was going to make me look wrong for my approach, or if it would make me stand out for incorporating every element of that challenge and not being ‘too busy’.  I wrestled mentally with that challenge from the day we walked it until yesterday when my name was not on that list.

And I still wonder if it was that challenge that did me in, and I just never managed to claw back from it.

I saw a lot of people yesterday who were a part of the 20 with me, who said that they weren’t sad when they didn’t see their name, and I’ve come to two conclusions about that.  Either 1.) They’re lying… which I don’t think the Misses would do.  Or 2.) They’re much stronger than I.  Number 2 is much more likely.  I will be the first to admit that I was sad.  Heartbroken, even.  It was like the wind was knocked out of me and the rug pulled out from under me.  I knew it was a possibility that my name wouldn’t be there, and the cynical part of my brain even kinda expected it to not be there.  But to actually READ the list.  To physically see it skip from India to Ireland and see that Iceland wasn’t there.  I’ve been hurt before by castings or auditions, but this was a different sort of hurt.  One I don’t think I can properly explain.

And just like that, it was over.  It felt like it was over before it really started.  The Press Presentation is scheduled after this cut… interviews… Charity Challenge hadn’t happened yet (I assume that’s still a challenge)… It almost didn’t feel like Miss Virtual World, as weird as that sounds.  It felt like… I don’t know.  A styling competition with elimination.  But I know it was Miss Virtual World, because that unique experience of developing that sisterhood with those women you’re competing alongside that never seems to happen in any other competition?  That happened.  I got to know some ladies I’d already known that much better, and meet new ones I’d never really gotten to meet before.

Maybe it’s just me that feels this weird sense of emptiness that comes from not getting to experience those things that I’d most looked forward to as a part of the MVW journey.  Charity Challenge (everyone expects me to do RFL, but I hadn’t planned on it… I had something else up my sleeve…), Interviews… working alongside designers for finale and watching that vision that’s in your head (you know I had a few!) come to life in front of you at the hands of some of the grid’s most amazing artists.  It’s so… weird… to sit here and hold this title and yet still not have gotten to experience those things.

Do I feel like I deserved to be on the list of the 13?  Yeah.  But I think somewhere, everyone who’s with the other 20 thinks that at some point.  Everyone worked hard.  Everyone put their all into it.  So I don’t think anyone is consciously sitting there right now going, “Well I didn’t try at all, so I really deserved to be eliminated.”  It’s a sense of protectiveness of our work as a stylist.  We each believed 100% in everything we put out there.  At least, I know I did.

It’s like dancing.  When you enter a competition, you put your 100% out there.  You put your actual heart and soul out there to be judged against others to pick a winner based around some meaningless set of criteria, including but not limited to whether or not you used spellcheck and proper grammar.  Like a double negative is suddenly going to change the heartbreak you were dancing about.  But we do it anyway, for whatever reason.  For me, the feedback pushes me to improve.

So at the end of this journey, do I feel fulfilled?  Not exactly.  But that’s not because the experience wasn’t amazing.  I feel empty because, in my mind and in my heart, this journey is only half over.  I just don’t get to participate in the rest.  *Chuckles*  But I will be there, for as much as I can, to watch those 13 chosen ladies work their asses off to finish even stronger than they started.

And you can bet you’ll see my face in the Headshot submissions next year.  I’m determined to finish what I started.

Flawless1FINAL

*~* Well Let Me Introduce You To Grace… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Katra (Polar Tone; Makeup Option 03) || Glam Affair
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st!
Hair: Brenda (Redbrown) || Elua || Seasons Story
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Natural Rose Black || -{ZOZ}-
Contour/Highlight: Contour Blush (Peach Mid) & Tintable Highlight || Dead Apples
Lipstick: Alyx Classic Lipstick (Ruby Red; Java version) || Pink Fuel
Scarf: Snood (Grey) || Drop || Seasons Story
* Male & Female versions included, both Rigged and Non-Rigged mesh
Jacket: Autumn Jacket (Grey) || Aphorism || Seasons Story
* Includes Texture pad to change the color of the sweater
Jeans: Mia (Grey) || Blueberry
* Standard/Slink/Maitreya/Freya/Venus/Isis sizes, Regular & Tucked In versions
Shoes: Malibu Lows (Floral; RARE) || Flite **Gacha **
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story
Rings: Dark Queen Rings || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story
* Sold separately in versions for Slink Casual, Slink Elegant, and Maitreya/Belleza
Dog: Happy Puppies (Cream; Sweet Puppy) || Fawny ** Gacha ** || Seasons Story
* ‘Sweet Puppy’ is holdable; ‘Playful Puppy’ goes on head and covers your eyes

Pose: Teen 1 – Level 4 || Vitalis Animatum
* Dog adjusts position of the left arm into holding position

Location: Sunfall Landing

Blogging Tune: “Flawless” – MercyMe

I Told You Time And Time Again…

I’m so ready for war
Got my soldiers and all
You should call on the Lord
Cause you’re taking the fall

Dynasty1FINAL

“We uncontrollable.  You tamer than a dog on leash.”

The third runway challenge for Miss Virtual World, fourth challenge overall, was this past Saturday.  And this song has been stuck in my head since the Empire episode it played on, on Wednesday.  I’d already mostly, if not completely, styled by then, but still for whatever reason this song served as my inspiration, and spoke perfectly to the attitude with which I styled.

Unfortunately, for me, this challenge was my last this year.  My journey has been cut short.  And yes, to me it feels like “cutting short”, but I’ll reflect on that, and everything else when it’s less raw.

The theme behind this runway challenge was “Fash and Furious”, based around the Fast and Furious series… HOWEVER, while we were asked to look to the series for inspiration, the briefing went DEEPER than that when our challenge was described to us.  We were told to “make being illegal look fashionable.”

That was the object.  The object was not to recreate the movie.  So I did not draw inspiration from particular characters, or a particular movie from the franchise.  Instead, I took my inspiration from the overall style briefing, the objective we were given, and the series as a whole.  With that, this is what I got.

My backstory for this particular challenge may have been a bit intense for some of the judges… but hey, it’s me.  Take it or leave it.  (For those who might be confused because of how broken up my backstory was for this challenge… not a long rambling paragraph about meaningless things that have nothing to do with the inspiration behind the outfit… everything from here to the end is the backstory that was read out on Saturday.  As I said earlier, I will blog at a later time about an overall reflection of my journey this year, at a time when the feeling is less heartbreaking and less raw.  Love you guys.)

“You don’t know me.  But you’re about to.”

There is nothing like the thrill of an adrenaline rush, no matter what it is that causes it.  Speed, tension, danger… anything that causes your blood to flow and your heart to race.  It makes you feel alive!  That is what Tivi screams when she takes this runway this morning… and it is a vital part of understanding who she is.

“Thrill me!” comes the cry of the bold red on black.

“Excite me!” call the spikes that litter the top and heels.

“To bore me is to lose me!” chime the chains across her shoulders.

Everything about her riddling a harmonious discord… a chaotic sort of stillness… a loud silence.

“I am a woman!  Not a fairytale princess!  I have emotions, opinions, a temper, a very loud voice, and one hell of a right hook!”  A smirk will pull across blood-stained lips.

“You don’t know me.  But you’re about to.”

Dynasty2FINAL

*~* I Told You Time And Time Again… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Yolandi (Artic Tone; Makeup Option 04) || Glam Affair
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) || IKON
Hair: Airwaves II (light blondes) || Vanity Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Half Glitter Fall 2015 (Red) || -{ZOZ}- || from Rock Your Rack
Eyeliner: London Liner (Black Eyeliner Only) || Madrid Solo
Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks (Red; Matte; Dark) || Pink Fuel
Lip Shine: Grace Bonus Lip Gloss Only || Madrid Solo
Bustier: Rosalie (Black) || Maci || from Rock Your Rack
Jacket: Opium Jacket, Sleeves, & Skirt || Eshi Otawara
Pants: Abandon Pants (Grey) || Dead Dollz
Heels: Geeky Heels (w/ Color Hud) || Ducknipple
Back Pearl Necklace: Pearl Necklace (Back Only) || EMO-tions
Shoulder/Chest Chain: Scarlett Body Chain (Black) || Noodles
Forearm Cuffs: Yseult Cuffs || Zibska

Pose (photo 1): Runway I 6 – Level 4 || Vitalis Animatum
Pose (photo 2): Runway I 5 – Level 4 || Vitalis Animatum

Blogging Tune: “Dynasty” – Yazz & Timbaland ft. Empire Cast