You’re just a hideaway, You’re just a feeling You let my heart escape, beyond the meaning Pulling my head into the clouds, I’m floating off When You get me going, I can’t find a way to stop…
I’m so obsessed with this book… lol. I’ve got to do another word today. Sorry if any of you don’t like these. Just lookit the pretty pictures and lookit the credits if there’s something you want, if that’s the case. 😀
akin, adj.
I noticed on your profile that you said you loved “Charlotte’s Web”. So it was something we talked about on that first date, about how the word radiant sealed it for each of us, and how the most heartbreaking moment isn’t when Charlotte dies, but when it looks like all of her children will leave Wilbur, too.
In the long view, did it matter that we shared this? Did it matter that we both drank coffee at night and both happened to go to Barcelona the summer after our senior year? In the long view, was it such a revelation that we were both ticklish and that we both liked dogs more than cats? Really, weren’t these facts just placeholders until the long view could truly assert itself?
We were painting by numbers, starting with the greens. Because that happened to be our favorite color. And this, we figured, had to mean something.
— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan
akin, adj.
He doesn’t like Zombies. Or, at least, that’s what I assume, because he’s not exactly super into having riveting discussion after the latest drama-filled episode of The Walking Dead. There are very few shows that I watch religiously, and this is one of them. But television has never been a dealbreaker for me.
Of course, this was the small crack that made me wonder, what else don’t we agree on?
But then there are the other things. We both believe in Dominance tempered with compassion. That a Dominant doesn’t have to be an unconditional hard-ass in order to get things done and fulfill their role. We both are not a fan of horror movies. We both have the tendency to stop watching things if there’s something we know happens that we don’t want to/can’t deal with. And while these things may come to grow less and less significant the more and more we learn about each other, the fact remains that these little similarities are what keeps things going.
Think about it. If I didn’t have anything in common with Him, would I find Him half as interesting? Perhaps. So long as his views didn’t /directly/ conflict with mine, then I would certainly be interested in hearing them. But if they didn’t really jive… then what? Where do you go from there?
Having things in common is nearly essential in this ‘getting to know you’ phase of everything.
And as you grow? One thing has always stuck with me from a person in my past. They used to tell me, “Where we don’t align, we mesh.” That, I think is key. Sure, we’re not going to agree on everything… and I don’t think I’d want to. If I were to ‘date’ a carbon copy of myself, I’d go crazy. But if we can co-exist in our differences? I’d be the happiest girl in the world.
No, really. I’m not sure you’re aware how awesome this is. 🙂
*~* You’re Just Another Day That Keeps Me Breathing… *~*
Shape: MINE Skin: Chrissy Applier for Lelutka Head (Ivory Tone) || Swallow Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Natural Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st! Hair: Foxy (Gingers) || Truth Hair || Uber || new release! Head: Stella Head (v1.3) || Lelutka Body: Physique Mesh Body (v2.9) || Slink Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) || Slink Nailcolor Applier: Glitter Silver Set || Nailed It Eyeliner Applier: from Chrissy Skin Head Applier (Ivory Tone) || Swallow Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska Top: Thermal Henley (Gray) || The Annex || Cosmopolitan || new release! Jeans: Mia Jeans (Midnight) || Blueberry Sandals: Akira Sandals (Black) || Pure Poison Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries Necklace: Zulaikha Lattice Necklace || Maxi Gossamer Hand Bracelets: Gaia Hands (Dark) || Common Gacha Item || Aisling
Electric Poles(photo 3): Power Poles 3 || [we’re CLOSED] Beanbag(photo 2): Beanbag Leather (Dirty Brown) || [we’re CLOSED] Light Strand(photo 2): Party Lights (Small) || [we’re CLOSED] Swing(photo 1): Tyre Swing || [we’re CLOSED]
I’ll use you as a makeshift gauge Of how much to give and how much to take I’ll use you as a warning sign That if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind…
“I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be: right in front of me. Talk some sense to me.”
I read a book today. Literally started at page one and finished the end. Though to be fair, it was only just over 200 pages, and the way the book was setup, most of the pages were not full pages. Some even only had a couple sentences on it. “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan. You may recognize the name, as he’s the same author who wrote “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist”, which was adapted into a movie in 2008. (God, was it that long ago?) Though he does not specify whether the nameless narrator is himself, making this more “creative non-fiction”, or if it is truly two fictional characters. The book defines itself as a novel, making me suspect the latter, however, its rawness makes me wonder…
The way the book is set-up… and this is what I loved about it… was words from the dictionary, organized alphabetically. And each of these words has a memory associated with it. They are not long things. Some are longer than others, but the longest was maybe a full front and back page with a few lines on the next page. So you can see how easy it was to become so fully engrossed in this book that I read it cover-to-cover over a total of about 3 or 4 hours today.
I loved the book so much… that I think I may occasionally pick and choose words/quotes from it and share them with you… while sharing my own stories that relate to such words. Writing my own ‘cover’ of sorts to this book, gradually. This is especially useful on days like today, when I have 3 photos to share instead of 2. *Laughs*
I think I’m going to start with the first one, not only because it’s the first one and a perfect introduction to the book and its style, but because it’s very appropriate to the concept of Second Life and the people we meet here.
aberrant, adj.
“I don’t normally do this kind of thing,” you said.
“Neither do I,” I assured you.
Later, it turned out we had both met people online before, and we had both slept with people on first dates before, and we had both found ourselves falling too fast before. But we comforted ourselves with what we really meant to say, which was: “I don’t normally feel this good about what I’m doing.”
Measure the hope of that moment, that feeling.
Everything else will be measured against it.
— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan
aberrant, adj.
It doesn’t normally take me a year and a half to sit down and have an extensive conversation with someone that I’m attracted to. In most situations, I do like conversation and talking… even if it’s not with the /intention/ of getting to know someone… and, in fact, I tend to like general conversation better. You get to know someone more that way. When they don’t feel like they’re being interrogated, they’re more natural with you. More at ease. More likely to show you the person they are, rather than the person they think you want to see.
But that didn’t even happen. So why did it take this long with him?
Well first of all, he wasn’t around much. That helps. *Laughs* But mostly? I was scared. I still am scared. Knowing what I know and being where I’ve been, things just don’t tend to end prettily when I’m involved. And so why should I operate on the assumption that this will be any different? That thought kept me safe for a year and a half. Was it fair? Not in the slightest. It’s not fair to subject everyone in my future to the mistakes of everyone in my past. But did it allow me to stay guarded enough to not end up too close? For a year and a half it did.
Now? Now all bets are pretty much off. And even if I’m scared… I still feel safe. If that makes any sense. And so everything else moving forward will be measured against that.
*~* If You Talk Enough Sense Then You’ll Lose Your Mind… *~*
Shape: MINE Skin: Chrissy Applier for Lelutka Head (Ivory Tone) || Swallow Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Arid Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st! Hair: Jana (Redheads) || Elikatira Head: Stella Head (v1.3.) || Lelutka Body: Physique Mesh Body (v2.9) || Slink Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink Nailcolor Applier: Style Icon Set (Josephine) || Nailed It Eyeliner Applier: from Chrissy Skin Head Applier (Ivory Tone) || Swallow Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska Top & Pants: A Hazy Shade Of Winter (Bag 3) || LaVian & Co || Boho Culture Fair Heels: Alex Heels || LaVian & Co Necklace/Bracelet/Ring: Kaya Collection || Lazuri
Oh, don’t be scared about it Don’t forget it was real Do you remember the way it made you feel? Do you remember the things it let you feel?
“Call me when you’ve made up your mind, but you won’t.”
Gah! There’s another round of The Epiphany open! *Dances*
I think The Epiphany has to be one of my favorite Gacha events on the grid at the moment… not because of the creators or the items or the themes or anything of that nature, because I’m about as fickle as most people when it comes to that kind of thing. Sometimes one event’s theme appeals to me, and other times I find myself thinking, “THAT’S the theme you’re going with?” No, the reason that The Epiphany is my favorite, is because it’s PRACTICAL.
I /may/ have explained this before when I blogged Epiphany items from the last round, but the way it works at The Epiphany is you play the gacha machines like normal, get the things you want, etc etc. But rather than having to try and sell the extras, or give them away, or end up with a bunch of useless extra commons in colors you wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole, let alone have a use for, you can simply rez them on the ground and choose to “Redeem” them for Epiphany Points!
What are Epiphany points? That’s the super exciting part! People that like exclusive items you can’t get anywhere else should probably lean forward and pay extra close attention.
Epiphany points are what you use to get EXCLUSIVE items that the Designers have created for that round. These items CANNOT be found in the gacha machine and CANNOT be purchased outright. And, to my understanding, they will not be available after the event. Epiphany points are the ONLY way to get these items. Sometimes they’re an additional piece for the set, sometimes they’re an exclusive color variation, other times they’re something completely different. I remember the first item that was an “Exclusive” bought with Epiphany points that I got from the last round was a gorgeous Dead Dollz gown.
So I popped over to The Epiphany last night… and it was almost ironic. I couldn’t have planned it better. I was walking around, playing each machine I liked a couple of times… just to feel it out and see how lucky I was for the night… lol. Got some things I really wanted in the first few pulls. And all the while, I’m in a Skype call with an old friend who has been mostly absent from SL for the last 2 years of so.
I’m going to give you a minute to pause and imagine everything this man has missed in the last 2 years. LOL.
He knows what Gachas are, but hasn’t really played them… so I was explaining to him the concept of not only Gachas, but The Epiphany, and he mentioned that he knew some people get addicted to them. He asks me, “Are you addicted to them, Tivi?” I laugh and tell him not really, but that there are a few designers whose machines I play religiously, and will likely play until I have a full set, because I just always love everything they put out. Designers like Aisling, Zenith, Kibitz, Haste. And as I was saying this, I was walking past Zenith’s booth… and what did I see, but yet another machine that I feel like I’m going to be playing quite a lot in the coming days!
For now, I just pulled twice, and managed to grab this dress and the adorable handbag, and just had to throw it together. There was a gorgeous patch of flowers overlooking the lake and frozen mountains of the Epiphany sim decoration, so after styling this with a few more odds and ends, including a Rare complete tattoo set that White Widow is offering in their machine at this round of The Epiphany as well, I went back to the sim to photograph this look.
My encouragement to you would be to check this event out. If you’ve ever been frustrated with having nothing to do with your extras, this particular event solves that problem splendidly, along with having some pretty amazing creations from some of the most talented artists and designers on the grid. I’m sure I’ll be frequenting the event during this round to pick up pieces I’m missing.
The other thing I’m wearing today that’s new, is another update to the Lelutka mesh head. Today I received version 1.3, which is compounding on the recently released “Expressions” concept. Just a few days ago, the Express Yourself button was added to the HUDs to allow for facial expressions with 3 eye options, 4 eyebrow options, and 7 mouth options… but now it gets event better. Version 1.3 comes with gestures that will allow chat commands to activate certain expressions in 8 second cycles… but here’s the part I’m super excited about: There is a new API that will allow for things like Photo props to change the expression AND for accessories like piercings and eyelashes to MOVE WITH the Expressions. I think this is one thing people have been longing to see, as I’ve seen several asking for updates to the lashes, or the ability to wear their own… which you can currently do but they don’t blink with your eyes. With this new API, there comes the ability for creators to change this… and I’m really watching on the edge of my seat to see where this goes! Creators who want more information about this API can visit Lelutka’s page HERE.
(Also, it should be noted, that this song, and my incessant playing of it for the last 24 hours is entirely Genesis’ fault. LOL. He linked me to this, and then he linked me to an acoustic version, and I’m just in lurrrrrrve with this man’s voice. And the backbeat to this version is just so… different. It’s such a fusion of everything I love. Gah!)
*~* Who You Gonna Pray To When You’re There? *~*
Shape: MINE Skin: Default Lelutka Stella Head (Artic Tone) || Glam Affair(from Lelutka Head HUD) Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st! Hair: Lucrecia (Gingers) || Truth Hair Head: Stella Head (v1.3) || Lelutka || **new update 10/23/15** Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink Nailcolor Applier: Half Glitter Fall 2015 || -{ZOZ}- || **new location 10/22/15** Eyeliner Applier: from Chrissy Skin Head Applier (Ivory Tone) || Swallow Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska || *”blend” lowered to lighten color* Dress: Spiked Dress (Grey) || Common Gacha Item || Zenith || The Epiphany * This is exclusively for the Maitreya Lara mesh body and is not guaranteed to work with others Boots: Adrianna Boots || Pure Poison || Collabor88 Nosechain: Faust Nose Chain (Gold) || RandomMatter Handbag: Leather Bone Handbag (Rose) || Common Gacha Item || Zenith || The Epiphany Full Body Tattoo: Southpaw (White) || RARE Gacha Item || White Widow || The Epiphany * Maitreya/Eve/Belleza/Sking Brazilia Doll/TMP/Omega appliers & Slink Hand appliers included
Ooo, we’re makin’ moves You only doin’ what my power lets you do You see, that money isn’t everybody’s thing When it come to power, there can only be one king
“Blood is thicker than water, but b.s. is the thickest.”
It’s amazing how I can blog something and completely believe in it, and then, like, 10 minutes later, completely flip my opinion. No catalyst, no nothing. Just be thinking more about it and realize just how damn mad I am about it.
Because you know… I’ve been the supportive friend for a long time. I’ve smiled and nodded when inside I’ve been SCREAMING, “This is a baaaaaaaaad idea.” And even when we were together, I told him, “I will 110% support anything you choose to do, except taking her back. That is the /one/ thing that will make me leave.” And still, somewhere in his mind, going back to that… mess… was a better option. A better idea.
And going back, only lead to the most recent break-up with the outing situation. That I STILL can’t wrap my mind around how he just has seemed to up and manage to forgive her.
I honestly don’t think I can smile and nod anymore. Because it’s a bad idea. She’s a bad person. And I used to think he deserved better.
The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and yet expecting different results… and that has been what I’ve observed from this man the entire time I’ve known him. She comes across so sweet sometimes. She’s one of those people that’s /really/ good at showing one face to other people, but being a completely different person behind closed doors.
I’m not terribly certain how comfortable I would be conducting an SL relationship with someone who made me break up with my RL partner whom I live with (yeah…. don’t get me started… I think I’ve commented on that before…), rezzed spy equipment in my sim to make sure I’m not back with said RL partner in SL… verbally abused me when I found said spy equipment and ended it with her… outed very personal real life information of mine the next time we broke up, with no regard to me as a person or as the person she supposedly loved… I don’t know how I could possibly forgive and forget all that and just go back into a relationship like nothing happened.
And I have ZERO idea how I could do that and EXPECT IT TO WORK THIS TIME.
I’m just over here beating my head against the desk in frustration like… I used to think he was a good person under bad influence. And I clung to that idea so damn tight. When everyone else told me otherwise. When everyone else tried to make me see things he was doing that had nothing to do with her. Decisions he was making on his own to betray and screw over his friends. I refused to see it. “She makes him this way,” I repeated, like a broken record.
Like a damn mantra that made my pathetic defense of him ok.
No more. All doing this has ever done has allowed him to keep some sort of power over me, and that sure as hell isn’t healthy for me. Not in the slightest. Sometimes listening to other people can be a good thing, and it’s time that I start listening to my family and friends who actually give a damn about my well-being, telling me that this friendship and caring that I have for this man is not a good thing. My closeness to him is detrimental to me.
So, my apologies that this is super ranty and rawr. And that it’s a complete flip of yesterday’s blog. And perhaps it’s even reminiscent of “old Tivi”, spilling tea all over the damn place… but I just… god damn, I’ve held back too much for too long. And when you personally make a fool out of me by doing the same stupid shit when by now you should KNOW better… hell nah. I’m done.
I’m out. I’m not putting you back together when she does something else to ruin you. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
*~* Blood Thicker Than The Champagne… *~*
Shape: MINE Skin: Default Lelutka Stella Head (Artic Tone) || Glam Affair (from Lelutka Head HUD) Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st! Hair: Strange and Unusual (Reds; bow tinted manually) || Exile || Collabor88 Head: Stella Head (v1.2) || Lelutka || **new update! 10/20/15** * Allows for Expressions; 3 eye options, 4 eyebrow options, 7 mouth options Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) || Slink Nailcolor Applier: Natural Rose Black || -{ZOZ}- || **new location! 10/22/15** Eyeliner Applier: from Chrissy Skin Head Applier (Ivory tone) || Swallow Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska || Uber Dress: Ribbons Undone Dress (Metallics) || Deche || not in store yet, but will be soon! Boots: Adrianna Boots || Pure Poison || Collabor88 Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story Collar: Gothic Choker Victorian Collar (Black) || Zenith || Collabor88 Bracelets: Dark Queen Bracelets || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story Rings: Dark Queen Rings || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story Tattoo: Imperial Tattoo (Fresh) || Things * Belleza/Omega/Slink/TMP appliers/standard tattoos included; fresh & faded versions
Pose(photo 1): Heavenly Creatures 09 || Ma Vie Pose(photo 2): Eternal Beauty 6 || NanTra
Even though all of my fears And all of my doubts Are outside my door, ready for war Right here and now…
“I refuse to lose this battle, let whatever come my way. I am stronger than my rival. No, I will not fall today.”
It never ceases to amaze me just how much some people will allow themselves to take.
Now, granted, I’m not exactly the poster child for standing up against the bullshit and fighting for what I know I deserve… *laughs* Those that know me best will tell you that I stick around in bad situations far too long, particularly when it comes to personal, often romantic, relationships. I guess I’ve been so violently conditioned that everything is my fault, that I simply assume what’s wrong with the relationship is something I can eventually fix, so I stick around trying to fix it.
But a one-sided relationship doesn’t survive very long.
However, one thing I will say for myself… is that I am beginning to /see/ these things when they are happening. And I am gradually getting to the point where I am refusing to stand for it more often than not. I am blaming myself less. I am letting it go and letting it be what it is. I am owning my portion of what went wrong, while still recognizing that it is not ALL me. It is not MY fault that my last relationship did not know what he (she) wanted and ran off 2 days after I was released to hide on a slave alt and become collared to someone. That is not my fault. That is their own identification crisis that he (she) needs to workout for himself (herself).
((Edit 10/22/15: It’s been brought to my attention that my subject changed, per a usual Tivi, very abruptly and it may not have been noticeable. The person ABOVE this statement is a different person than the one BELOW it. Just offering clarity, to be fair to all parties involved. And continuing to leave names out of it, for fairness as well. ❤ Tivi ))
What kills me… is when people don’t see it. When people remain how I used to be. And they stick around. Convinced it will get better. Or they go back after they finally get out… convinced it will be different. But I have news for you, love… if you keep doing the same things with the same person, you’re going to get the same result. Nothing is going to change if the two of you don’t change, and if the relationship as a whole doesn’t change. It’s going to end up the same way it has before.
And I can’t do a damn thing to stop it. It’s not my relationship. It’s not my place.
No matter how much I loved him at one time in my life. No matter how much I care for him as a close friend and confidant (when he lets me… heh). I can’t stop him from making the same dumbass mistakes with the same horrible human being. Because ultimately they’re his decisions. They’re his mistakes to make. And if he wants to keep making them for the rest of his life and subjecting himself to that… then that’s his choice.
I can only be here to try and help put the pieces back together again when it inevitably blows up… again… like it always does.
To be honest, I really thought this time was the last time. She did some incredibly horrible things. Now granted, I thought she’d done some horrible things when he and I were together, after they’d broken up… sending people to harass him… verbally assaulting him on the daily. Gradually just the assaulting and annoyance turned into outright verbal abuse, questioning his role in their relationship, his manhood, insulting everything that she could manage to find to tear him down. But this last time, no this last time was the worst. From what I understand, she outed him to several people. And I won’t say what, specifically, else that makes me no better than she is, as there are several things it could be… however, I don’t know if I would be able to find it within myself to not only forgive and forget that someone did that to me… but take them back into my life as a “lover, partner, and best friend”.
But maybe that’s just me, and the level of self-respect that I’ve gained in my own growth.
All I know, is that the battle is beginning all over again, it seems. And so I will stand in his corner, as I have always done. And I will smile and nod and be happy for him if he is happy, as I have always done. And when it inevitably falls apart again, I will be there as much as he allows, as I have always done.
And then a month or two later, the volatile cycle will repeat itself, I suppose.
I don’t think this battle will ever end. He won’t let it.
*~* I Can Hear The Battle Cry, At War With My Heart And Mind… *~*
Shape: MINE Skin: Default Lelutka Stella Head (Artic Tone) || Glam Affair (from Lelutka Head HUD) Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st! Hair: Hair For Headshawl (from Belly Dancer Mahtab) || Soedara Head: Stella Head (v1.2) || Lelutka || **new update! 10/20/15** * Allows for Expression in Photo 2; 3 eye options, 4 eyebrow options, 7 mouth options Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink Nailcolor Applier: Falling Leaves Fall French || -{ZOZ}- Eyeliner Applier: Basic Eyeshadow Applier (Option 1; included w/ Head) || Lelutka Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska || Uber Shawl: Pashmina || Ghee || L$1 Gift from Fall15 Collection! Sweater: Cable Knit Turtleneck (Persimmon) || Ghee || new from Fall15 Collection! * Standard/Slink/Maitreya/Omega Appliers; several collar variations Jeans: Mia Jeans (Midnight) || Blueberry * Standard/Slink/Maitreya/Freya/Venus/Isis sizes, Regular & Tucked in versions Heels: Caty Wedges || KC Couture * Slink High/Maitreya/Belleza/TMP versions Nosechain: Faust Nose Chain (Gold) || Random.Matter || Uber Bracelets: Dark Queen Bracelets (some parts hidden) || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story
There’s got to be more than going back and forth From doing right to doing wrong Cause we were taught that’s who we are…
“Come on, get in line right behind me. You along with everybody thinking there’s worth in what you do.”
Yes, I had a bit of a “post-MVW” crisis… which is like a mid-life crisis, but for pixels… and changed a vast majority of my appearance. I may keep it, cause I kinda like it. But for now, it’s nice to feel like someone else.
This is my reflection. So if you’re not in the mood for the feels and the emotions, I’m giving you a bit of warning to click away…
5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
Ok, now then.
My MVW journey ended yesterday. Well, I guess technically it ended Saturday, as that was the last challenge I participated in. However, the list of the Top 12 (turned Top 13, due to a tie) came out yesterday. And my name, nor my country, were there. And as such, my journey through the process ends. Cut short. I was… sort of… prepared for it to happen. After all, we were told that the Top 12 would move on, which would mean that 21 of us would not. All that changed was that 12 became 13 to be fair to the tie, so 21 became 20. And my name was one of the 20.
I’m going to be completely honest throughout. I’ve never been anything less than honest. And in doing so, keep in mind this comes from an emotional place. But I think that’s important too. To come from that emotional place to provide the most honest, truthful reflection on my experience as possible. Though why didn’t I write this last night? There is a difference between writing from an emotional place and writing from a raw place. I didn’t want to be raw here. And I was last night. Right now, I think I’m at that point where I’m still sad, but together enough to be honest, yet polite.
Not that I would’ve been a raging bitch last night. *Laughs* Just a bit less adept at saying what I wanted to say.
This experience was amazing. And for 2013, 2014, and 2015 MVW, I got to sit on the sideline and watch beautiful women have this amazing journey and hear about how wonderful of a growth experience it was. In 2013 when I was still brand spanking new, I thought they were full of shit. LOL. Like, how can a competition be THAT profound that you grow THAT much as a person by playing dress-up? I was /so/ green back then, though. 2014, I got to see it a little closer, because I could follow from the beginning. And I had a few people I could root for! I remember during the last audition, the one time I got to walk, when I was so disappointed I didn’t make it (50 people walking for 5 spots, those odds were against me anyway… LOL) CottonCandy had told me it was her third year trying, and she’d finally gotten in. So there was hope.
2015 I sat back and watched. It was the first time MVW would be run under new ownership, and I wanted to see it in action first. And I watched as Eleseren became Miss Virtual World and commenced one of THE most amazing reigns I think I’ve ever seen. The thing about Eles is that… she won… but she never once ACTED like she won. She remained humble throughout. She was still ‘just one of us’. And it was amazing to just talk to her, about anything and everything. So much so, that I did so as often as I could. Lol.
So this year rolled around and I was determined. Damn determined. And either my determination paid off, or I got extremely lucky, because I was granted a walk after the first headshot submission, and I got in from the first live audition. I became Miss Virtual ♛ Iceland 2016. Saying that even now is still really surreal. I told the story of Why Iceland in a previous blog post, so I won’t reiterate that. And I also told the story of the first serious conversation I had with Eles as a Miss about being looked at as a First Lady.
Damn if I didn’t try to put myself in that light EVERY time I said or did anything. Did I slip occasionally? Yeah. We’re all human. But I would say that at times when I spoke with poise and dignity, still using “please” most specifically, to request something of someone, when inside my mind was SCREAMING, “Oh my god, go fuck yourself,” I’d call that an improvement. Lol. I swallowed my tongue a few times and dialed back a lot. And you know… I stressed a hell of a lot less that way. So that’s something I definitely intend to continue with. Even if I don’t have to police it as meticulously as I did throughout this process.
Then there were the challenges. The thing about me that still haunts me… I was graduating one of the several classes I’ve taken over the years, and I was still wrapping my head around ‘designer inspiration’ type challenges, and just… completely missed the mark. And the comment that was given to me was, “I can see that you’re a minimalist, but perhaps come out of that box once in awhile, honey.” Me? A minimalist? Oh god. That was an opinion I had to fix REAL fast. Lol. And from that point, I worked to push most any challenge that I was given, fitting the assigned theme, but I became a more ‘high fashion’ stylist in style challenges. My blog may not reflect that 68% of the time (yes, a number I pulled out of my ass), but for styling challenges, that was my aim, always.
So when we were given challenges like our first… Lady Marmalade Meets Zumanity… my thought was not only how could I incorporate both… but how could I make those high fashion. Same with The Fifth Element… which was the one challenge that made my standing in the competition a question mark to me the entire time. The Fifth Element challenge was defined as Sci-Fi Haute Couture, and it was also Eles’ tribute challenge. But when I showed up, in a mix and match inspired by the Fifth Element, Haute Couture, Jean Paul Gaultier, and Eles herself… to see a vast majority having gone straight sci-fi with it… I was so damn lost. And I wasn’t sure if that was going to make me look wrong for my approach, or if it would make me stand out for incorporating every element of that challenge and not being ‘too busy’. I wrestled mentally with that challenge from the day we walked it until yesterday when my name was not on that list.
And I still wonder if it was that challenge that did me in, and I just never managed to claw back from it.
I saw a lot of people yesterday who were a part of the 20 with me, who said that they weren’t sad when they didn’t see their name, and I’ve come to two conclusions about that. Either 1.) They’re lying… which I don’t think the Misses would do. Or 2.) They’re much stronger than I. Number 2 is much more likely. I will be the first to admit that I was sad. Heartbroken, even. It was like the wind was knocked out of me and the rug pulled out from under me. I knew it was a possibility that my name wouldn’t be there, and the cynical part of my brain even kinda expected it to not be there. But to actually READ the list. To physically see it skip from India to Ireland and see that Iceland wasn’t there. I’ve been hurt before by castings or auditions, but this was a different sort of hurt. One I don’t think I can properly explain.
And just like that, it was over. It felt like it was over before it really started. The Press Presentation is scheduled after this cut… interviews… Charity Challenge hadn’t happened yet (I assume that’s still a challenge)… It almost didn’t feel like Miss Virtual World, as weird as that sounds. It felt like… I don’t know. A styling competition with elimination. But I know it was Miss Virtual World, because that unique experience of developing that sisterhood with those women you’re competing alongside that never seems to happen in any other competition? That happened. I got to know some ladies I’d already known that much better, and meet new ones I’d never really gotten to meet before.
Maybe it’s just me that feels this weird sense of emptiness that comes from not getting to experience those things that I’d most looked forward to as a part of the MVW journey. Charity Challenge (everyone expects me to do RFL, but I hadn’t planned on it… I had something else up my sleeve…), Interviews… working alongside designers for finale and watching that vision that’s in your head (you know I had a few!) come to life in front of you at the hands of some of the grid’s most amazing artists. It’s so… weird… to sit here and hold this title and yet still not have gotten to experience those things.
Do I feel like I deserved to be on the list of the 13? Yeah. But I think somewhere, everyone who’s with the other 20 thinks that at some point. Everyone worked hard. Everyone put their all into it. So I don’t think anyone is consciously sitting there right now going, “Well I didn’t try at all, so I really deserved to be eliminated.” It’s a sense of protectiveness of our work as a stylist. We each believed 100% in everything we put out there. At least, I know I did.
It’s like dancing. When you enter a competition, you put your 100% out there. You put your actual heart and soul out there to be judged against others to pick a winner based around some meaningless set of criteria, including but not limited to whether or not you used spellcheck and proper grammar. Like a double negative is suddenly going to change the heartbreak you were dancing about. But we do it anyway, for whatever reason. For me, the feedback pushes me to improve.
So at the end of this journey, do I feel fulfilled? Not exactly. But that’s not because the experience wasn’t amazing. I feel empty because, in my mind and in my heart, this journey is only half over. I just don’t get to participate in the rest. *Chuckles* But I will be there, for as much as I can, to watch those 13 chosen ladies work their asses off to finish even stronger than they started.
And you can bet you’ll see my face in the Headshot submissions next year. I’m determined to finish what I started.
*~* Well Let Me Introduce You To Grace… *~*
Shape: MINE Skin: Katra (Polar Tone; Makeup Option 03) || Glam Affair Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st! Hair: Brenda (Redbrown) || Elua || Seasons Story Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) || Slink Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) || Slink Nailcolor Applier: Natural Rose Black || -{ZOZ}- Contour/Highlight: Contour Blush (Peach Mid) & Tintable Highlight || Dead Apples Lipstick: Alyx Classic Lipstick (Ruby Red; Java version) || Pink Fuel Scarf: Snood (Grey) || Drop || Seasons Story * Male & Female versions included, both Rigged and Non-Rigged mesh Jacket: Autumn Jacket (Grey) || Aphorism || Seasons Story * Includes Texture pad to change the color of the sweater Jeans: Mia (Grey) || Blueberry * Standard/Slink/Maitreya/Freya/Venus/Isis sizes, Regular & Tucked In versions Shoes: Malibu Lows (Floral; RARE) || Flite**Gacha ** Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story Rings: Dark Queen Rings || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story * Sold separately in versions for Slink Casual, Slink Elegant, and Maitreya/Belleza Dog: Happy Puppies (Cream; Sweet Puppy) || Fawny** Gacha ** || Seasons Story * ‘Sweet Puppy’ is holdable; ‘Playful Puppy’ goes on head and covers your eyes
Pose: Teen 1 – Level 4 || Vitalis Animatum * Dog adjusts position of the left arm into holding position
I’m so ready for war Got my soldiers and all You should call on the Lord Cause you’re taking the fall
“We uncontrollable. You tamer than a dog on leash.”
The third runway challenge for Miss Virtual World, fourth challenge overall, was this past Saturday. And this song has been stuck in my head since the Empire episode it played on, on Wednesday. I’d already mostly, if not completely, styled by then, but still for whatever reason this song served as my inspiration, and spoke perfectly to the attitude with which I styled.
Unfortunately, for me, this challenge was my last this year. My journey has been cut short. And yes, to me it feels like “cutting short”, but I’ll reflect on that, and everything else when it’s less raw.
The theme behind this runway challenge was “Fash and Furious”, based around the Fast and Furious series… HOWEVER, while we were asked to look to the series for inspiration, the briefing went DEEPER than that when our challenge was described to us. We were told to “make being illegal look fashionable.”
That was the object. The object was not to recreate the movie. So I did not draw inspiration from particular characters, or a particular movie from the franchise. Instead, I took my inspiration from the overall style briefing, the objective we were given, and the series as a whole. With that, this is what I got.
My backstory for this particular challenge may have been a bit intense for some of the judges… but hey, it’s me. Take it or leave it. (For those who might be confused because of how broken up my backstory was for this challenge… not a long rambling paragraph about meaningless things that have nothing to do with the inspiration behind the outfit… everything from here to the end is the backstory that was read out on Saturday. As I said earlier, I will blog at a later time about an overall reflection of my journey this year, at a time when the feeling is less heartbreaking and less raw. Love you guys.)
“You don’t know me. But you’re about to.”
There is nothing like the thrill of an adrenaline rush, no matter what it is that causes it. Speed, tension, danger… anything that causes your blood to flow and your heart to race. It makes you feel alive! That is what Tivi screams when she takes this runway this morning… and it is a vital part of understanding who she is.
“Thrill me!” comes the cry of the bold red on black.
“Excite me!” call the spikes that litter the top and heels.
“To bore me is to lose me!” chime the chains across her shoulders.
Everything about her riddling a harmonious discord… a chaotic sort of stillness… a loud silence.
“I am a woman! Not a fairytale princess! I have emotions, opinions, a temper, a very loud voice, and one hell of a right hook!” A smirk will pull across blood-stained lips.
“You don’t know me. But you’re about to.”
*~* I Told You Time And Time Again… *~*
Shape: MINE Skin: Yolandi (Artic Tone; Makeup Option 04) || Glam Affair Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) || IKON Hair: Airwaves II (light blondes) || Vanity Hair Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink Nailcolor Applier: Half Glitter Fall 2015 (Red) || -{ZOZ}- || from Rock Your Rack Eyeliner: London Liner (Black Eyeliner Only) || Madrid Solo Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks (Red; Matte; Dark) || Pink Fuel Lip Shine: Grace Bonus Lip Gloss Only || Madrid Solo Bustier: Rosalie (Black) || Maci || from Rock Your Rack Jacket: Opium Jacket, Sleeves, & Skirt || Eshi Otawara Pants: Abandon Pants (Grey) || Dead Dollz Heels: Geeky Heels (w/ Color Hud) || Ducknipple Back Pearl Necklace: Pearl Necklace (Back Only) || EMO-tions Shoulder/Chest Chain: Scarlett Body Chain (Black) || Noodles Forearm Cuffs: Yseult Cuffs || Zibska
But life has its own arrangers As time passes on, it changes The hourglass moves on a grain And our path is torn in strands
“You say it’s mine, I’ll say it’s yours. Maybe it’s time to finish our scores.”
I suppose there comes a point in time when you have to stop rolling over and taking it. And I’ve never been one to just ‘take it’… those that know me best can tell you that.
There was a situation where a friend was being slandered in public, and while she was not allowed to speak publicly on it, she asked if she could gather a few of us up to let us know what was going on. As soon as she told her significant other she was tp’ing me in, his response was, “Oh shit!”
Shit gets real when I get involved, apparently.
Or at least, that’s how it used to be. I fume inwardly still, but I’d like to think that I do a better job of sitting on my hands, publicly, and take problems with people to those people, and handle business behind closed doors and let it be done. There are a few exceptions, but it’s still not strewn around out in public like my innermost self might like it to be. To warn others. I’d call that personal growth.
However, I cannot allow that personal growth to go too far, and turn me into someone who allows myself to be taken advantage of. And I’m not. I’m becoming better at spotting that now, I suppose, and while I can’t necessarily stop it from hurting when I’ve seen that it’s happened, I can more quickly remove myself from the situation and move on into things that are better for me in the long-run, and surround myself with people who do not seek to take advantage of my kindness, giving nature, and big heart.
I couldn’t ask for more out of my life lately than I’ve found. This journey so far with MVW has been amazing, and I hope beyond hope that it does not end after this weekend. It has been one of the most positive growth experiences in my SL to date, and a few other opportunities that have come my way have only pushed me forward. Of course, in doing so, I’ve had to leave those who have taken advantage of me behind.
But in the end… if they were only looking out for what I can do for them… and not what was best for /all/ involved… then isn’t it best to drop the weight and fly free anyway?
I just want you to look at me And see that I can be worth your love I just want you to look at me And see that I can be Good enough…
“I feel like I walked five thousand miles and didn’t even come close.”
Yep. So there’s that. That’s sorta my head lately. This whole song is sorta my head lately, aside from the fact that it’s not exactly a father figure. Haha. (Yes, I’m aware that is the ENTIRE premise of the song, pretty much. Take the message generally, and you have my life.)
Probably one of the biggest criticisms that people have had for me in my life is that I give far too much of a damn what other people think of me. And I will be the first to admit they’re right, in most situations. I care. I hate that I care, but I still care. I care how I’m viewed by people. I care the kind of idea they have about me. And I care about how that affects me, directly or indirectly.
Now, does that stop me from doing/saying things? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. One brief perusal through this blog will tell you I don’t really mince words and I rarely pull punches when it comes to stuff I believe in. But if you really knew the stuff I wrestle around with in my head on a daily basis? Most of you would probably laugh at me. “Tivi, why do you care so much?”
I have ZERO idea.
Sometimes caring has positive affects, though. Caring causes me to grow. Because receiving feedback, and taking it to heart, and trying to genuinely apply it to my life… that can be a very good thing.
I remember when my journey first started with Miss Virtual World first started this year, it seemed like the universe was already testing me by dumping a metric shit-ton of drama at my doorstep. And in a desperate fit of fist-clenching and sitting on my hands, I reached out to Eleseren and asked, “How do you bite your tongue when it just… isn’t right?” What resulted was an amazing conversation that left me feeling much better about how to move forward with those specific situations, and my journey in general, but there was one specific piece of advice that has stuck out significantly from that day, and every day since…
“Remember, they’re looking for a First Lady.”
And from there, I’ve done my best to grow in those aspects of my life that may have been less than “First Lady” material. There are changes that one can make, to grow as a person, that do not change who you are… they do not compromise you as an individual… but they make you a better version of yourself. And for good reasons.
That day, and every day since, that what I’ve worked to be. And I do hope that shows.
*~* I’m Standing Right Here Waiting For You… *~*
Shape: MINE Skin: Yolandi (Artic Tone; Makeup Option 04) || Glam Affair Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) || IKON Hair: Emerson (light blondes) || Truth Hair Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink Nailcolor Applier: Half-Glitter Fall 2015 (Red) || -{ZOZ}- || Rock Your Rack Eyeliner: London Liner (Black Eyeliner Only) || Madrid Solo Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks (Red; Matte; Dark) || Pink Fuel Top: Dalena (Red; Printed; Maitreya version) || Blueberry * Clean & Printed Versions; 5 Standard Sizes; Maitreya; Slink; Venus, Isis, & Freya Pants: Rene (Grey; Regular; Maitreya version) || Blueberry * Regular & Tucked Versions; 5 Standard Sizes; Maitreya; Slink; Venus, Isis, & Freya Heels: Mina Heels || KC Couture Nosechain: Of the Plains (Gold) || Soedara Rings(Right Hand): Accessories Rings (Gold) || FORMANAILS * Fitted specifically for Slink Elegant 1 Hand
Pose(photo 1): PR Walk F 1 || Vestige Pose(photo 2): Glow 05 || Ma Vie
How can we not talk about family when family’s all that we got? Everything I went through you were standing there by my side And now you gonna be with me for the last ride…
We’re allowed to post our first photo challenge pictures now! The theme we were given was “Sports Illustrated/Sex in the City” and immediately I knew the photographer I wanted to ask if she had the time. She’s incredibly talented, a wonderful woman, and her assistant/manager/partner is just as amazing. I love running into them out and about, so I eagerly put in a notecard and crossed everything I could cross. It was a long-shot, and I knew it, because it was such a tight timeline.
She had an open space! I was thrilled, and so excited. Immediately it was like we were on the same wave-length. I’m a pale blonde, with blue eyes… and immediately she wanted a bikini and heels in the snow. I set to the styling, and laid our collective vision in the talented hands of my amazing photographer…
LessThen Zero.
A miscommunication occurred, and I hadn’t reminded her soon enough that the deadline was early on Saturday, so I ended up submitting the above photo as a backup for judging, which I still think turned out alright. But Less still finished her portrait. She did it in a more ‘fantasy’ style, after knowing it wasn’t for the challenge anymore… and oh my god… I was BLOWN away when I received the final version. I will post it below.
The story that I submitted with my photo was the following:
“It is an ironic thing, that Iceland is actually more Green, and Greenland is more icy… however, when Tivi first spoke to her original chosen photographer about the vision for this challenge with her styling, she knew she wanted three things: a bikini, some gorgeous high heels, and snow. Immediately, Tivi was in love. Having moved away from the snow about 2 years ago, she missed it deeply, and so it was a thrill to be able to style this outfit to reflect a sort of “snow bunny” type of Sex in the City girl, on a ski vacation in the alps, perhaps? Ever stylish and not always practical, of course this bikini and cover-up would be in any fashionista’s arsenal for late nights staying warm in the jacuzzi, showing just enough and covering what is important in brilliantly pale blue fabric. Care to join her?”
Provided I make it through past the upcoming 3rd runway challenge this weekend, LessThen has agreed to do the next photo challenge photo for me as well. And if her work on this theme is any indication of the amazing artwork I can expect for the next one, I have positively NO DOUBT that I will be BLOWN away.
If any of you happen to be reading and would like a photo done by the talened LessThen Zero of Dream Edition, the photographer of the photo below, then please contact AutumnMarsh Resident in-world to see when her next open appointments are. She’s completely worth it!
P.S. Sorry today’s song seems completely random. With all the moving and unpacking lately in RL, I’ve been going through my dad’s box of old pictures, and it’s dredged up some old stuff. I miss him, and at the same time am incredibly angry at him. But I guess I won’t get to tell him for quite some time. 🙂
*~* I’ll Tell You All About It When I See You Again… *~*
Shape: MINE Skin: Yolandi (Artic Tone; Makeup Option 04) || Glam Affair Body: Lara Mesh Body (v 3.3) || Maitreya Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) || IKON Hair: Faux Dreads Namiriel (with bangs; blondes) || Tableau Vivant * 2nd photo has hair hand-drawn by LessThen Zero Hand(Left): Avatar Enhancement Hand (Elegant) || Slink Hand(Right): Avatar Enhancement Hand (Flat) || Slink Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink Nailcolor Applier: Ombre II Set || Nailed It Eyeliner: London Liner (Silver Tip Liner Only) || Madrid Solo Glitter Blush: Starry Starry Night (Blush Only) || Madrid Solo Bikini: Chasta Mesh Bikini || Rebel Hope Coverup: Lila Shirt || !gO! Heels: Mina Heels || KC Couture Necklace: Knotted Shimmer Pearls || Maxi Gossamer Bracelet & Ring: Eva Luxury Set || Lazuri
Pose(photo 1): old pose from Everglow Pose for photo 2 was provided by LessThen Zero
Location(photo 1): Home Location(photo 2): Dream Edition Studio * Contact AutumnMarsh Resident in-world to schedule an appointment for a photo!
Blogging Tune: “See You Again” – Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth
Antisocial Darwinism 