They Say Heavy Is The Head That Wears A Crown…

Daddy raised a soldier, whether he knew it or not
He supplied the pain, I put it into music, made it hot
Strong back, strong shoulders, cause I’m holding up a lot
I’m underneath this bitch, supporting
Same time, I’m at the top…

“Everything’s on me.  Everybody wondering what it’s gonna be.  Is [she] gonna fail, is [she] gonna succeed?  Everybody keep watching, and watch carefully… I’ma show the world I’m strong!  And I’m holding up a lot.  I’m underneath this bitch supporting… same time, I’m at the top.”

Everything Jussie Smollett has done for Empire this season has been incredibly powerful.  So pardon my obsession in my blog posts since the new season started.  *Laughs*  Those that know anything about me know how drawn I am to powerful lyrics.

Especially when I relate to them in one way or another.

I feel like… I’m being stared at a lot lately.  Is that weird?  Is that narcissistic?  Maybe.  And it could even be paranoid and no one really cares.  LOL.  But it’s like… they warn you when you tackle a large, widely-known competition like Miss Virtual World that people are going to start watching you.  And while I’m sure those Top 13 (that are working their ASSES off to get perfect for the finale this weekend, by the way.  Break legs, ladies!) are being watched far more closely… I can’t help but feel like I’m being stared at.

“You didn’t make the cut.  Now what?”

Like they’re waiting for me to blow up into something despite that… or to fade back into irrelevance where many people would like to assume I came from.

The fact of the matter is… I dunno what y’all are waiting for, but if you could stop staring at me, that would be great.  I mean, come on.  I’ve been doing this for three years now.  And while that’s FAR less of a period of time than a lot of the great models that I look up to and aspire to be like, that still quite a substantial period of my Second Life to be devoting to something.  I’ve worked my ass off in those three years.  I have not sat on the shoulders of a Mentor (even if I’ve had a few mentors in my time) and expected them to hand me everything I was given.  I worked… and I worked hard… and I fought… and pushed through… and the ONLY reason that I got to where I did was because of all that work.

I guess I’m the exception that proves the rule about “who you know” being the only thing that matters.  I know people, sure… we all do.  But do I ask them to tip scales in my favor?  No.  Unlike some, I happen to live by a code of ethics…. regardless of whether or not some of you see those ethics on a daily basis, they are there.  You just aren’t looking hard enough.  You’re too busy watching the ground in front of me waiting for something for me to trip over and fall on my face.

Newsflash: I worked hard to get to where I was.  And nothing will change that.  I’m still here, I’m not going any-damn-where, and I’m going to continue to work just as hard as I always have.

So you can stop staring.  I’m still Tivi.  And I’m still going to put my blood, sweat, and tears into everything I do.

I suppose the real question is… what are YOU going to do?  Step it up and work your ass off too?  Or try to continue to rely on those broad shoulders you sit on, and eventually fade into the irrelevance you are attempting to drag me into?

Your choice, I suppose.  However, the first step is coming down off that high horse of yours… and careful, darling… that first step is a bitch.

*~* They Say Heavy Is The Head That Wears The Crown… *~*

Shape: MINE – new!
*Special thanks to Toxxic Rhiannyr of Alterego, as one of her shapes was used as the base for tweaking!
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || Alterego
Eyes: Odyssey Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Murder of Crows (Chapter 1 Earth HUD) || Spellbound || Enchantment
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Undereye Shadow: Makeup Addon Lower Shadow II (Tintable) || Alterego
Nailcolor Applier: Art Nails (Boho Eyes) || Nylon Outfitters || Collabor88
Top: Fall-In-Line (Vest Only; Dark Grey) || Cynful || Collabor88
* Fall-In-Line is a 3-in-1 top, featuring a cropped turtleneck (not pictured) and a vest, that can each be worn separately, or both together to create a layered look.  Standard sizes, Maitreya Lara, Belleza Freya/Isis/Venus, and Slink Physique/Hourglass sizes included for both.
Pants/Boots: Lavigne Snowboarders Pak (Black) || Vinyl || GEN-Neutral
* Solid (pictured) & “Block” pattern versions included, chooseable via HUD.  Standard sizes, Maitreya Lara, Belleza Freya/Isis/Venus, and Slink Physique/Hourglass sizes included.  Boots are optional and come in corresponding sizes, color-change via HUD.
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Tattoo: Bohemian (FULL 14008; 50% Opacity) || Letis Tattoo
* 100%/75%/50%/35% Opacity Options.  Tattoo layers, Belleza, Lola’s Tango, Maitreya Lara, Omega, Slink Physique (can also be used for just hands), & TMP appliers included.

Pose (photo 1): Mortius 5 || Posesion Poses
Pose (photo 2): Statue 7 || Posesion Poses

Location: Pandora Box of Dreams

Blogging Tune: “Heavy” – Jussie Smollett ft. Empire Cast

Cause You Won’t Love The Way You Should…

Delta John to Alpha One
Said my system’s checking, something’s going on
What to do… are you coming through?
Delta John to Alpha One
Said my system’s crashed and something’s come undone
911… copy, copy you…

“Whoopti do, c’est la vie.  Say goodbye.  Say I’m free.  Say so long.  Stay with him.  May the good Lord keep ya; I hope you get some help.  Go to hell.  Nothing’s left inside this shell.  Cause I’ve lived this long, and nothing’s wrong when living ends, no…”

That bridge up there… some powerful lyrics.  Nothing to do with what I’m writing about today… but just thought I’d point out how powerful it was.

It’s been awhile.  My bad.  November is kinda an emotionally charged month.  Though, let’s be honest… it’s, like, August through November that’s incredibly dodgy for me.  Which is unfortunate.  Autumn/Fall used to be my favorite season… especially when I was up North.  It was such a beautiful season to watch happen.  And most of the time, at least in Indiana, it wasn’t too cold yet, so you could really truly enjoy the beauty for a little bit before bundling up and fighting your way through snow for months.

This time of year is often when I reflect a lot on the last three people I lost in my life.  It wasn’t easy, losing my father, grandfather, and grandmother within a span of about 14 months.

I’m still incredibly angry at my father for the way everything… happened.  2 years later, I’m sure that’s not exactly a good thing… but still.  Like I’ve said to him in a Luminaria for the last two years, sometimes a girl just needs her daddy.

The last conversation I remember with my grandmother… it’s not the last conversation we had, by far, because it was 7 months before she died… so we talked plenty after this… but it still sticks out in my mind… we were sitting in a hotel room because we were back in Indiana for grandpa’s funeral, and my step-sister was over, pulling my hair through the highlighting cap to highlight it for me, since I was there and hadn’t done anything to it for… a couple years.  We were talking about her most recent significant-other drama, and the man just so happened to be black.

“I’ve already told you… I will disown you if you EVER marry a black man.”

I’ve learned not to argue.  It pissed me off every time she said it… but she knew I didn’t agree with her and would do whatever I damn well pleased if it was someone I cared for… but I didn’t have the energy to argue it every time she opened up that can of bigoted racism.  So, instead, all I said was, “My boyfriend is German, is that ok?”  Ben, whom I was with at the time, was originally from Germany, though lived most of his life in Chicago.

“As long as he’s white.”  Was my grandmother’s reply.

“Oh, so ancestors who were potentially Nazi’s are fine.  But ancestors who may have been oppressed slaves… how dare I.”

The room was so silent… and if my grandmother had been a younger woman… even around my mother’s age… I think she would’ve come over the bed at me.

And my grandfather… well, my last memory of my grandfather isn’t really of him… it’s another one of grandma when we were back up in Indiana for his funeral.  (Keep in mind, I moved down to Alabama when grandpa’s condition had already deteriorated pretty badly… 2 months after I moved down here was my birthday and we went to a Chinese restaurant and that was his last outing… and even that was iffy on whether he’d be in ok enough shape to go.  His physical and mental condition just wasn’t good for the time I was here that he was still around.)

We’re in the car, shortly after arriving back up in Indiana, and keep in mind, he passed right at the beginning of February (2014), so February in Indiana means snow… and unfortunately for us that year… lots of snow.  We’re in the car driving down the main road in our town, and grandma all of a sudden just looks up at the ceiling of the car and says, out loud, in the most legit ‘I’m having a conversation’ voice: “Look hunny, I’m up to my ass in snow!”

This has been a vast majority of my mindset the last few months.  So sorry if I’m kinda quiet and not around as much or as perky or whatevs.  It’ll get better again.  They’re all in better places… I know that… I’ve heard that lecture more times than I care to recall.  Doesn’t stop me from missing them.

*~* Cause You Won’t Love The Way You Should… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Caroline (Polar Tone; Makeup Option 01) || Glam Affair || We ❤ RP
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Natural Pupil) || IKON
Hair: Hearts Like Ours (HUD 04) || Magika || Recently Released Colors!
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Ears: Steking Ears (Season 5; Elf configuration) || Mandala
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) || Slink
Dress: Baroque Dress || Moon Amore || We ❤ RP
* Silver & Gold trim changeable via HUD; Also to note, I bought the purple version, but each color version comes with the option to wear white… which is why the specific color isn’t noted.  ❤
Sandals/Heels: Silver Goddess Sandals || Pure Poison
* Made ONLY for Slink Mid feet
Headpiece: Amelie Deux Cascade || Zibska || We ❤ RP
*Color change HUD included with 30 varying color options
Necklace: Fearless Choker (Silver) || Mandala
Tattoo: Caravage (Black; ‘Low’ opacity version) || White Widow || We ❤ RP
* Each color comes with ‘Low’, ‘Normal’, and ‘High’ opacity to work on different skin tones.

Furnishings (photo 2) —
House: Acorn Treehouse || RARE Gacha Item || Dust Bunny
Chair: Rocking Chair || Common Gacha Item || Dust Bunny
Bookpile: oldbook || Common Gacha Item || anc
Rug: Braided Rug || Common Gacha Item || Dust Bunny
Reading Dog: Shiba Inu (Just Chillin) || Common Gacha Item || Half-Deer
Sleeping Dog: Shiba Inu (Storybook Dreams) || RARE Gacha Item || Half-Deer
Bed: Indoor DIY Spring Bed (Natural) || 8f8

Pose (photo 1): PR Walk F 1 || Vestige

Location: Pandora Box of Dreams

Blogging Tune: “You Broke Love” – Jussie Smollett ft. Empire Cast

You Watch Me Bleed Until I Can’t Breathe…

Just like a moth drawn to the flame
Oh, you lured me in, I couldn’t sense the pain
Your bitter heart, cold to the touch
Now I’m gonna reap what I sow
I’m left seein’ red, on my own…

“Needle and thread, gotta get you outta my head.  Needle and thread, gonna wind up dead.”

I’m not even going to apologize anymore.  LOL.  This series is fun.  And this book is my latest obsession.  #SorryNotSorry.  😛

But seriously, though… this book is worth the investment.  My hardback was USD$18.  Best $18 I ever spent.

awhile, adv.

I love the vagueness of words that involve time.
It took him awhile to come back — it could be a matter of minutes or hours, days or years.
It is easy for me to say it took me awhile to know.  That is about as accurate as I can get.  There were sneak previews of knowing, for sure.  Instances that made me feel, oh, this could be right.  But the moment I shifted from a hope that needed to be proven to a certainty that would be continually challenged?  There’s no pinpointing that.
Perhaps it never happened.  Perhaps it happened while I was asleep.  Most likely, there’s no signal event.  There’s just the steady accumulation of awhile.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

awhile, adv.

My sense of time is all sorts of convoluted.  And maybe that’s because when you’re in an environment like SL, it’s more socially acceptable to spent mass quantities of time with people at once.  Depending on your RL situation, I have heard of several situations in which SL lovers have spent 8 hours together in one sitting.

I’ve done that myself.

In RL… that might be a little weird to see.  An 8-hour date.  Especially within the first month or so, when you’re still getting to know each other.  I mean, how would you keep each other entertained? Would you really sit in the restaurant for 8 hours?  Would you sit in the movie theater parking lot for an additional 6 hours after a 2 hour movie?  Would you spend 8 hours walking around a park?  Could you find 8 hours worth of conversation with the pressures of social convention of actually being in public physically around other people, rather than in a simply IM box/Skype call?

I found myself saying to him the first time we disagreed about something (Well, something that wasn’t The Walking Dead, anyway)… anyway, I found myself saying, “You should know me well enough to know that if I tell you xyz, then I meant xyz.”  And he brought up that I mentioned that, when in reality, while it might /feel/ like a long time, he disappeared for awhile, and even since we’ve begun talking again, we spend large chunks of time together, but we still haven’t known each other all that long.

It just feels longer.

And maybe that’s also because we started in this weird situation where there were few, if any, walls between us.  Conversing just came naturally, as did trusting each other.  He would say, “Tell me a secret,” and my mind immediately tried to think of something I’d never told anyone… without questioning whether I could trust him with that secret.  I just… knew I could.  I didn’t know why I knew I could.  I just knew I could.

Maybe this is what ‘awhile’ means… and why it’s so vague.  Trying to qualify how well you know someone by the quantity of hours, minutes… days… weeks… months… years… you’ve spent with them, talking to them, knowing them… sometimes can be deceiving.  I can talk to someone for hours, but how much I know is dependent upon the depth of the conversation.

So how long have I known Him?  Awhile.  How long have I felt pulled towards Him?  Awhile.  How long do I hope this feeling lasts?  Awhile.  🙂

*~* You Watch Me Bleed Until I Can’t Breathe… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Chrissy Applier for Lelutka Head (Ivory Tone) || Swallow
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Natural Pupil) || IKON
Hair: Lucrecia (Gingers) || Truth Hair
Head: Stella Head (v1.3) || Lelutka
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Glitter Silver Set (Black) || Nailed It
Eyeshadow Applier: Smokey Eyes (Black) || Arise
Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska
Dress: Melon Collie Dress (Grey) || Vinyl || Uber || new release!
* Sizes XXS-L/Maitreya/Slink/Isis/Freya included; Hud to change Top & Slip Color
Shoes: Nikko Sneakers || Pure Poison || Uber || new release!
* Fitted for Standard avi/Freya/Isis&Venus/Maitreya/Slink/TMP versions included; Color HUD
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Necklace: Jezebel’s Body Chains (Black) || The Forge || Uber || new release!
Rings: Persephone Rings (Obsidian) || ieQED
Tattoo: Midnight In Paris || White Widow
* Belleza/Maitreya/Slink/Omega/TMP/Slink/Sking Brazilia Doll versions; NO standard layer

Bench (photo 2): Living Rose Arbor Bench || meadowWorks
Pumpkins (photo 2): Pumpkin Mix 2015 || Dysfunctionality
*Comes in group (pictured left) & several single pumpkins (like cat-face shown on bench)
Tree Hat Stand (photo 2): Gnarled Tree Stand With Hats || Dysfunctionality || new release!*
* Won with “Hocus Pocus”.  TP to the mainstore and say “Hocus Pocus” to the chest.  If you win, congratulations!  If you don’t, you can try again in 24 hours.  If you get impatient, you can purchase the set for L$50.  Hocus Pocus began 10/30 and runs for 10 days!
* Comes with Tree Stand With Hats, Without Hats, and Wearable Hat!

Pose (photo 1): moody_eight || oOo Studios
Pose (photo 3): pose 234 || -slouch-

Location: Duet

Blogging Tune: “Stitches” (Acoustic) – Shawn Mendes & Hailee Steinfeld