Mama said gonna be alright
But mama don’t know what it’s like in my mind
Mama said the sun gonna shine
But mama don’t know what it’s like to wanna die…
It’s a long post today… bear with me…
Consider this trigger warning, if the title did not give it away. This post is of a very serious nature, and deals with some very deep and potentially triggering subject matter such as suicidal ideations/thoughts, self-harm, verbal and emotional abuse, isolation, and extensive, in-depth explanation of an experience in both an ER on ‘suicide watch’ and in a mental health facility.
This story is mine to tell… and while i wasn’t quite ready to tell it so soon after getting back, circumstances have made it such that i have to be ok with it. Honestly, it’ll probably be a bit theraputic to get it all out, and i’d planned to blog my experience because it was a bit crazy, but i guess i just didn’t think i’d be doing it so soon after i got home. Oh well, here we go…
This is the story of the time i went to “get help” from a mental health facility. Aka: A mental hospital.
Continue reading “My Experience With “Getting Help”…”
Yeah, these thoughts i would never speak out loud
i’ve seen you cry but i’ve never seen you shout like a hurricane
These shots don’t ricochet
Sight blurred, i’m walking dazed, girl
i’m fucking faded
Or maybe wasted, i can’t remember how it happened
Oh, i don’t know my limits at all…
i’m sinking down into my thoughts…
P/people assume that when you pull back, it’s because of something wrong with you. Not always. Not everything is the fault of E/everyone else in the world. Sometimes, if someone withdraws from you, you are the problem. You aren’t safe for their Universe. Your gravitational pull is too much for their orbit. You aren’t safe for my Universe. Your gravitational pull is too much for my orbit.
Continue reading “Confession .274. The Aftermath Of One Too Many Words I Said When I Should’ve Said Nothing At All…”
i’ve carried this song in my mind
Listen, it’s echoing in me
But i haven’t helped You to hear it…
We, we’ve only got so much time
i’m pretty sure it would kill me
If You didn’t know the pieces of me are pieces of You…
This is one of those existential crisis type posts. So if you’re not down to listen to somewhat angry, somewhat frantic rambling, then scroll to the bottom for Y/your credits and i’ll see Y/you next time. Lol. To the rest of Y/you: Hello. And i’m sorry in advance.
Continue reading “Confession .270. In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Let Me Tell You The Truth…”
i need Somebody to heal, Somebody to know
Somebody to have, Somebody to hold
It’s easy to say, but it’s never the same
i guess i kinda liked the way You numbed all the pain…
i feel like lately my reaction to everything is that i don’t really have words. And then yet my instinct when these things happen, is to blog. i’m a bit of a purist and believe that blogging also involved writing, but lately i find that my negative emotions are more aptly sated by the creativity of the photo, and by the time i come here to write i’m just… drained.
Continue reading “Confession .266. I Was Getting Kinda Used To Being Someone You Loved…”
You need to get Your conscience clean, but just spare me the details please
i wanna keep remembering this Perfect Day
i’m not the type to be left speechless, but i don’t think i can deal with this
That’s all the closure that You’ll give, this Perfect Day…
Are W/we surprised it’s another Gabbie Hanna song at this point? No? Good. 🙂
Continue reading “Confession .259. Butterflies Ruined My Perfect Day…”
i’m merciless, when will You learn?
Set fires just to watch them burn
i bet You never saw me coming…
i’ve said… a lot… that i don’t understand the way humans treat each other sometimes. And i get that the particular wording of that sounds like i count myself outside of something human – and at times i do. i lack the emotional quotient to intelligently infer peoples’ emotions like Y/y’all can do. In those moments, i feel less than human – like i fail at the most basic concepts of being human.
Continue reading “Confession .252. My Tongue Is A Weapon, And I’m Locked And Loaded…”
Standing on the corner crying, feeling like a fool for trying
i don’t even remember why i wasted all these tears on You
i wish i could erase O/our memory cause You didn’t give a damn about me
Oh, i’m finally through wasting all these tears on You
The other day, Someone from my past popped back up in my life very unexpectedly. And like… as much as i want to altruistically believe in harmless intentions for P/people, this seems to be what bites me in the ass more times than not. There’s just no way that it was all a coincidence. Malicious or not, it was still purposeful. And it’s really gotten me back inside my head a bit further than i like to be. Let me explain…
Continue reading “Confession .246. And You Left Me…”