Confession .275. Dig Up All The Ugly Shit, Then You Offer Up Your Remedy…

You like broken girls cause they make You feel put together
Broken girls, rip it open then You kiss it better…

It’s been awhile.  Damn near a month.  And i apologize for that.  If Y/you read my last post, Y/you know that i posted that literally the day after i got home from the hospital.  i wasn’t ready to share all of that with E/everyone, really, but unfortunately, a poorly-managed situation in my home Community in which my personal business was being spread around carelessly made it such that if i didn’t tell the rest of my own story it likely would’ve morphed beyond recognition by the time i was ready to speak about it.

Unfortunately, that means that i kinda had to force myself to be more raw than i was ready to be, and it took away every desire i had to write anything else for awhile.  Again, my apologies.  Especially to those Designers who entrust me with showcasing their designs.  i’m playing catch up, and i thank you in advance for Y/your understanding.  ♥

My Experience With “Getting Help”…

Mama said gonna be alright
But mama don’t know what it’s like in my mind
Mama said the sun gonna shine
But mama don’t know what it’s like to wanna die…

It’s a long post today… bear with me…

Consider this trigger warning, if the title did not give it away.  This post is of a very serious nature, and deals with some very deep and potentially triggering subject matter such as suicidal ideations/thoughts, self-harm, verbal and emotional abuse, isolation, and extensive, in-depth explanation of an experience in both an ER on ‘suicide watch’ and in a mental health facility.

This story is mine to tell… and while i wasn’t quite ready to tell it so soon after getting back, circumstances have made it such that i have to be ok with it.  Honestly, it’ll probably be a bit theraputic to get it all out, and i’d planned to blog my experience because it was a bit crazy, but i guess i just didn’t think i’d be doing it so soon after i got home.  Oh well, here we go…

This is the story of the time i went to “get help” from a mental health facility.  Aka: A mental hospital.

Confession .274. The Aftermath Of One Too Many Words I Said When I Should’ve Said Nothing At All…

Yeah, these thoughts i would never speak out loud
i’ve seen you cry but i’ve never seen you shout like a hurricane
These shots don’t ricochet
Sight blurred, i’m walking dazed, girl
i’m fucking faded
Or maybe wasted, i can’t remember how it happened
Oh, i don’t know my limits at all…
i’m sinking down into my thoughts…

P/people assume that when you pull back, it’s because of something wrong with you.  Not always.  Not everything is the fault of E/everyone else in the world.  Sometimes, if someone withdraws from you, you are the problem.  You aren’t safe for their Universe.  Your gravitational pull is too much for their orbit.  You aren’t safe for my Universe.  Your gravitational pull is too much for my orbit.