Posted in Events, Life, New Releases, The Arcade, Uber

Confession .230. I’m Drawn To The Unknown, Where Shadows Hide…

The endless of darkness is hovering
The sound of the silence is deafening
Ten billion decibels shattering

Confession .230.  I'm Drawn To The Unknown, Where Shadows Hide...

People ask me sometimes why i withdraw from people and places that i used to frequent and enjoy being around.  Most of the time, my answers to this question are varied, and can sometimes be an over-reaction to a perception i have about a P/person or situation.  Today, though, today was different.

Continue reading “Confession .230. I’m Drawn To The Unknown, Where Shadows Hide…”

Posted in Events, Life, New Releases, Poetry, Red Light District, The Epiphany, Uber

Confession .221. Who Knew Evil Girls Had The Prettiest Face?

i still see Your shadows in my room
Can’t take back the love that i gave You
It’s to the point where i love and i hate You
And i cannot change You so i must replace You…

Confession .221.  Who Knew Evil Girls Had The Prettiest Face?

i hadn’t written anything new, poetry-wise, since the Beyond the Rainbow event i read at during BOI Week… i’d started a few things but nothing that i never really finished until last night when i was journaling.  So this is another blog post where i’m going to cheat and show you what i journaled.  Some of you, while not D/s, may still relate to this… and D/s people, particularly submissives, may relate more deeply.

Continue reading “Confession .221. Who Knew Evil Girls Had The Prettiest Face?”

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You Watch Me Bleed Until I Can’t Breathe…

Just like a moth drawn to the flame
Oh, you lured me in, I couldn’t sense the pain
Your bitter heart, cold to the touch
Now I’m gonna reap what I sow
I’m left seein’ red, on my own…

Stitches3FINAL

“Needle and thread, gotta get you outta my head.  Needle and thread, gonna wind up dead.”

I’m not even going to apologize anymore.  LOL.  This series is fun.  And this book is my latest obsession.  #SorryNotSorry.  😛

But seriously, though… this book is worth the investment.  My hardback was USD$18.  Best $18 I ever spent.

awhile, adv.

I love the vagueness of words that involve time.
It took him awhile to come back — it could be a matter of minutes or hours, days or years.
It is easy for me to say it took me awhile to know.  That is about as accurate as I can get.  There were sneak previews of knowing, for sure.  Instances that made me feel, oh, this could be right.  But the moment I shifted from a hope that needed to be proven to a certainty that would be continually challenged?  There’s no pinpointing that.
Perhaps it never happened.  Perhaps it happened while I was asleep.  Most likely, there’s no signal event.  There’s just the steady accumulation of awhile.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

Stitches1FINAL

awhile, adv.

My sense of time is all sorts of convoluted.  And maybe that’s because when you’re in an environment like SL, it’s more socially acceptable to spent mass quantities of time with people at once.  Depending on your RL situation, I have heard of several situations in which SL lovers have spent 8 hours together in one sitting.

I’ve done that myself.

In RL… that might be a little weird to see.  An 8-hour date.  Especially within the first month or so, when you’re still getting to know each other.  I mean, how would you keep each other entertained? Would you really sit in the restaurant for 8 hours?  Would you sit in the movie theater parking lot for an additional 6 hours after a 2 hour movie?  Would you spend 8 hours walking around a park?  Could you find 8 hours worth of conversation with the pressures of social convention of actually being in public physically around other people, rather than in a simply IM box/Skype call?

I found myself saying to him the first time we disagreed about something (Well, something that wasn’t The Walking Dead, anyway)… anyway, I found myself saying, “You should know me well enough to know that if I tell you xyz, then I meant xyz.”  And he brought up that I mentioned that, when in reality, while it might /feel/ like a long time, he disappeared for awhile, and even since we’ve begun talking again, we spend large chunks of time together, but we still haven’t known each other all that long.

It just feels longer.

And maybe that’s also because we started in this weird situation where there were few, if any, walls between us.  Conversing just came naturally, as did trusting each other.  He would say, “Tell me a secret,” and my mind immediately tried to think of something I’d never told anyone… without questioning whether I could trust him with that secret.  I just… knew I could.  I didn’t know why I knew I could.  I just knew I could.

Maybe this is what ‘awhile’ means… and why it’s so vague.  Trying to qualify how well you know someone by the quantity of hours, minutes… days… weeks… months… years… you’ve spent with them, talking to them, knowing them… sometimes can be deceiving.  I can talk to someone for hours, but how much I know is dependent upon the depth of the conversation.

So how long have I known Him?  Awhile.  How long have I felt pulled towards Him?  Awhile.  How long do I hope this feeling lasts?  Awhile.  🙂

Stitches2FINAL

*~* You Watch Me Bleed Until I Can’t Breathe… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Chrissy Applier for Lelutka Head (Ivory Tone) || Swallow
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Natural Pupil) || IKON
Hair: Lucrecia (Gingers) || Truth Hair
Head: Stella Head (v1.3) || Lelutka
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Glitter Silver Set (Black) || Nailed It
Eyeshadow Applier: Smokey Eyes (Black) || Arise
Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska
Dress: Melon Collie Dress (Grey) || Vinyl || Uber || new release!
* Sizes XXS-L/Maitreya/Slink/Isis/Freya included; Hud to change Top & Slip Color
Shoes: Nikko Sneakers || Pure Poison || Uber || new release!
* Fitted for Standard avi/Freya/Isis&Venus/Maitreya/Slink/TMP versions included; Color HUD
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Necklace: Jezebel’s Body Chains (Black) || The Forge || Uber || new release!
Rings: Persephone Rings (Obsidian) || ieQED
Tattoo: Midnight In Paris || White Widow
* Belleza/Maitreya/Slink/Omega/TMP/Slink/Sking Brazilia Doll versions; NO standard layer

Bench (photo 2): Living Rose Arbor Bench || meadowWorks
Pumpkins (photo 2): Pumpkin Mix 2015 || Dysfunctionality
*Comes in group (pictured left) & several single pumpkins (like cat-face shown on bench)
Tree Hat Stand (photo 2): Gnarled Tree Stand With Hats || Dysfunctionality || new release!*
* Won with “Hocus Pocus”.  TP to the mainstore and say “Hocus Pocus” to the chest.  If you win, congratulations!  If you don’t, you can try again in 24 hours.  If you get impatient, you can purchase the set for L$50.  Hocus Pocus began 10/30 and runs for 10 days!
* Comes with Tree Stand With Hats, Without Hats, and Wearable Hat!

Pose (photo 1): moody_eight || oOo Studios
Pose (photo 3): pose 234 || -slouch-

Location: Duet

Blogging Tune: “Stitches” (Acoustic) – Shawn Mendes & Hailee Steinfeld

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It Ain’t A Pretty Picture Tonight…

I wish words weren’t like little toy guns
No sting, no hurting no one
Just a bang bang rolling off your tongue
I wish words weren’t like little toy guns…

LittleToyGuns1FINAL

The argument that happens at the beginning of the video I attached to this post… could be a trigger for some of you who have parental issues in your pasts.  It was/is a trigger for me.  So, just a fair warning.

Listening to this song, this is another one of those days/nights when I feel incredibly fortunate to live where I do, in the country I do, that – despite objections from the zealous otherwise – has the well-being of all its citizens in mind, regardless of gender.

There are so many countries, so many cultures, that seem to believe that Men are the only ones worth anything – the only ones who will amount to anything.  Women are things to be had, to parade around when you happened upon a pretty one, to share with your friends.  Hell, some in some cultures are treated like trading cards.  Like your buddy’s wife and bored with yours?  No problem!  You two can just trade. She gets no say.

And yet with all the bullshit that I’ve gone through in my past, be it my childhood or my, albeit short, adulthood, I can very rarely say that the law/policy/authority figures were not on my side.  They didn’t ignore me just because I was a woman.

And even when it wasn’t a police/authority matter, I had the freedom to take things into my own hands.  The night I left home because I woke up to being punched… repeatedly… over eating a Reese Cup in the refrigerator?  I was freely ABLE to leave.  I was not owned by/legally obligated to stay with the male head of my household.  I could just go.  And go, I did.

I feel fortunate, that even in all the bad shit, there’s some good shit.  There is the ability to have good shit happen.

LittleToyGuns3FINAL

If we allow organizations like Womankind Worldwide to do their work in promoting rights for women in developing countries, and reducing violence against them… then maybe, just maybe, we can provide the same sort of hope for women in those countries that we have here, wherever ‘here’ is for you.

I absolutely ADORE this gown that Lybra is releasing for the Fashion For Change fundraising event organized by Eleseren Brianna, current reigning Miss Virtual World.  Something about all the intertwining black and white, separate, but all making up the same gorgeous design makes me think about gender equality within society as a whole.  Men and Women are different, yes.  But they are both necessary, to create a productive society.  If I said, “Meh, black isn’t a good enough color for this dress.  Let’s take it out.”  It would just be a boring white dress, with a bit of red.  Same if I said to remove the white.  Both colors are necessary for the gorgeous creation that Lybra has made.

And both Men and Women are just as important and integral for making a society function and flourish the way it should.  I, for one, hope that Womankind Worldwide can aid those countries that don’t see this importance… to see it.

To see it they way I do, the way a lot of us do, before it’s too late.

LittleToyGuns2FINAL

*~* It Ain’t A Pretty Picture Tonight… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Amberly (Lovely Day; Asia Tone; Makeup Option 1) – Glam Affair  @ C88
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Ainsley (Gingers) – Truth Hair
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.0) – Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Diva Set – Nailed It  @ On9
Lipstick: Essential Lipstick Red (Matte; Bright) – Pink Fuel
Gown: Nyala (Striped) – Lybra  @ Fashion For Change
Earrings & Necklace: Pearl Rain Season 3 Choker Set (Black) – Mandala
Silver Choker: Celtic Collar (Type E) – The Forge
Bracelet: Pearl Rain Season 3 Bracelet Set (Black) – Mandala
Ring: Royal Khadijah Estate Ring – Maxi Gossamer

Poses: various from PosESioN

Location: Home

Blogging Tune: “Little Toy Guns” – Carrie Underwood

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Fear Can Claim What Little Faith Remains…

I will never surrender
We’ll free the Earth and Sky
Crush my heart into embers
And I will reignite…

AllCountryOnYou2FINAL

It’s been a hard few weeks.

I’ve had many times… MANY times… where I’ve reached that place of, “Why in the hell am I fighting?”  I’ve gone to friends in tears, in panic attacks even, in that place of watching so many people fight so hard, only to ultimately lose that battle… so what is the point?  Why in the hell am I subjecting myself to poisoning my body… and all the hell that comes with it… only to end up ultimately losing?

Usually the response to that is some form of smacking me in the back of the head.  A wake-up call of sorts.

I still don’t know what the point is, some days… I just know I’m supposed to keep pushing forward.  There’s a reason I haven’t lost yet.  Of course, I also have hard time believing in an ultimately loving Creator-type deity when all I’ve seen lately is destruction.  Beautiful things… beautiful people… destroyed.  Riko Kamachi had one of the biggest Relay hearts I’d ever seen in my 4 years in RFL of SL.  Gone.  Summitt Beaumont… and even typing her name still hurts… had one of the biggest hearts of anyone woman I’d met in my SL.  No matter what it was, she was right there with encouraging words.  For everyone.  It didn’t matter if she liked you or hated you… though I have a hard time believing that Summitt could bring herself to hate anyone.  From classes at Amici until Sunday when I heard of her passing, that woman was probably the single-most positive person I had ever seen.  And she’s gone.

And while I’m sad about it, I don’t have the energy to be devastated.  That sounds incredibly insensitive.  I SHOULD be devastated.  She was such a GOOD person… and there are some HORRIBLE people who get to live and continue to go about their business ruining the lives of other people… and all Summitt wanted to do was be happy, and see other people happy.  I should be devastated.  Her loss is a truly great one.

But I’m too… MAD… to be devastated.

AllCountryOnYou1FINAL

I’ve been sitting on this song for a long time.  I didn’t want to use it until an incredibly appropriate blog post… and I feel like, perhaps this is the time to bring it out.

But I carry strength from souls now gone
They won’t let me give in…

I have to think.  Even in all this loss… and all the things that surround me that make me wonder what the point of fighting is when I’m so tired.  And I’m so tired of being sick.  I have to think that even in all this… that my Godparents… my father… my grandfather… my mother… Riko… Summitt… all those people that have gone before me, fought, and finally given in… would kick my ass if I gave up.

And I know several people in my life now, that would kick my ass… and have already when I’ve even THOUGHT about giving up.

There is are another few lines in this song… that make me think of Relay Nation every time I hear them.  And I want every Relayer who may happen across this post to read them… re-read them… study them… and commit them to memory.  Cancer doesn’t have to be a death sentence.  And we are relaying to be sure that it won’t be any longer… the FUTURE is NOW.

Death will take those who fight alone
But united we can break a fate once set in stone…

Relay.  I can do this.  We can do this.  Standing TOGETHER as ONE TEAM, we can do this.  Every day, you all give me reasons to stand up and fight back.

So.  I will reignite.  I have to.

AllCountryOnYou3FINAL

I was walking around Skin Fair today, and I happened across a skin from The Plastik that I adored… and normally I look to Aikea’s skins when I need something more fantasy-related that’s not Gor… and since I pretty much stick to Gor rp now, I haven’t had a need to.  But it was refreshing, to find a tone that was very similar to what I wore normally.  And since I was walking around for a Blogger Preview, and there was a box outside her store, I thought I’d notecard her, and see if she’d let me feature the skin in this post.  What came next, I couldn’t have anticipated.

I received the tone I asked for, and the applier pack to make it fit my Maitreya mesh body and Slink hands and feet (skins and applier packs are sold SEPARATELY at the event).  But I also received her general Skin Fair Bloggers Pack, which included SEVEN (yes SEVEN) additional skin tones and applier packs, and a bunch of makeup and eyes!

The makeup… is what made me think of this song.  I layered a few of them together in such a way that, to me, I looked battered.  Battle-worn.  My eyes were blinded.  I was just so wounded and so… done.  Blood spattering from my lip… a physical incarnation of how I feel most days in the layering of that makeup over my face.

But.  I will reignite.  I have to.

And I have to think Aikea for making this post possible.  (*Skin Fair SLURLs being withheld until opening on the 13th, per the request of those putting the event on.*)

AllCountryOnYou4FINAL

*~* Fear Can Claim What Little Faith Remains… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin (blog pics): Immortalia Skin (Merula) – The Plastik @ Skin Fair
Skin (pallette pics): Immortalia Skin (Tones labeled) – The Plastik @ Skin Fair
Eyes (blog pics): Teren Eyes (Kalah Blind) – The Plastik @ Skin Fair
Eyes (pallette pics): Bloodless Eyes (Grape) – The Plastik @ Skin Fair
Hair (blog pics): Bubsy (Rainbows Pack) – Spellbound
Hair (pallette pics): Journey (Rainbows Pack) – Spellbound
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v2.1) – Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) – Slink
Makeup 1 (blog pics): Immortalia Makeup (Souless; Red) – The Plastik @ Skin Fair
Makeup 2 (blog pics): Immortalia Makeup (Brave; Desat) – The Plastik @ Skin Fair
Makeup 3 (blog pics): Immortalia Makeup (Battle) – The Plastik @ Skin Fair
Tattoo: Henna Body Tattoo RARE – Demonic @ Fantasy Gacha Carnival
Top & Bracers: Naevia Set (Black) – Axix @ Fantasy Collective
Vest: The Thief Girl Vest (Grunge) RARE – Yasum @ Fantasy Gacha Carnival
Panties: Chain Panties (Black) – The Forge @ Fantasy Gacha Carnival
Face Chain (blog pics): Face Chain (Black) – The Forge @ Fantasy Gacha Carnival
Rings: Accessories Rings (Black) – Formanails
* These are sold separately in options for SL Hand, Slink Elegant, Elegant-1, and Casual
Anklets: Warrior Anklets (Black) – Promagic

Poses: from “Haute” set – Katink

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Reignite” – Malukah