Posted in Uncategorized

Can We Just Be Broken Together?

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?

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“If you can bring your shattered dreams, and I’ll bring mine… could healing still be spoken and save us?”

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, and because I’m kinda in the mood for it, I’ma do another one of the Lover’s Dictionary series posts.  Buuuuuut before I jumped into the word, I wanted to say a huge thank you to my newest sponsor, SayaNicole Cuttita from Envious.  Envious has been one of my favorite brands since I stepped out of roleplay the first time (gods, in 2009?) and first cared about what my avatar looked like.  It’s very rare that I will wear an outfit ‘out of the box’, or multiple pieces from the same outfit, but with Saya’s designs, I always do… cause it’s just so damned awesome.  So thank you, Saya!

cajole, v.

I didn’t understand how someone from a completely landlocked state could be so terrified of sharks.  Even in the aquarium, I had to do everything to get you to come close to the tank.  Then, in the Natural History Museum, I couldn’t say Quiet any longer.
“It’s not alive,” I said.  “It can’t hurt you.”
But you held back, and I was compelled to push you into the glass.
What did it matter to me?  Did I think that by making you rational about one thing, I could make you rational about everything?
Maybe.  Or maybe I just wanted to save you from your fears.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

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cajole, v.

I am positively terrified of damn near everything.  Some of my fears are rational… I’ve had bad experiences with them in the past, which make me incredibly wary of being in similar situations.  Some of my fears, however, are completely irrational; I’ve never been involved in a damn thing even close to it.  There is zero reason for it.  And yet, here I sit… completely petrified.

The problem, though, is that You tried to convince me that the things I was rationally afraid of, were, in fact, irrational fears.  That the things in my past should simply stay there, and should never have any sort of impact on my future judgment or future feelings.  While I agree to a certain extent… that I should never PUNISH people in my future for the mistakes of those in my past… I do have to assert that my past experiences will make me wary, and that this is perfectly ok.

The first time I put my hand on the burning hot stove as a child, I learned damn well never to do that again.  My brain works the same way with most everything else.

My therapist tells me I can’t assume everyone is a bad person, just because they exude similar qualities to bad people in my past… or because I am in a similar situation that I was in in my past around bad people (i.e. I can’t assume all my classmates that are nice to me want to use me because I’m doing well)… however I still believe there’s a difference between that, and being cautious.

Or being genuinely afraid.  I was afraid of you.  That was the bottom line.

And there was only so much I could take of being constantly told that everything I said and did was irrational, no matter how rational it actually was.

And then the silence happened.  So, I guess that was that.

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*~* Can We Just Be Broken Together? *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Warrior (Brunettes) || Spellbound
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom
Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks (Red; Matte; Deep) || Pink Fuel
Dress & Heels: Maria Dress (15) || Envious
* Dress includes standard sizes, sizes for Slink Physique, and Belleza Venus/Isis/Freya
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Arm Tattoo: Atinne (Black) || Common Gacha Item || Things
Leg Tattoo:  Vayiane (Black) || Common Gacha Item || Things

Pose (photo 1): Statue 7 || Posesion
Pose (photos 2 & 3): Mortius 10 || Posesion

Backdrop: 9 rue du Marteau. Brussels || Common Gacha Item || Rowne

Blogging Tune: “Broken Together” – Casting Crowns

Posted in Uncategorized

This Goes Out To The Heaviest Heart…

To everyone who’s hit their limit, it’s not over yet
Even when you think you’re finished, it’s not over yet
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark, into the light, it’s not over
Hope is rising
Never give in, never give up, it’s not over!

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“Game, set, match.  Time to put it in your past.  Feel the winter leavin’, it’s redemption season!  Long live the young at heart.  Cheers to a brand new start!  We’re revived and breathin’ to live a life of freedom!”

Lyric overload today.  But I positively adore this song lately.  One of my ‘favorites of the moment’, religious song or not.  I would heavily encourage you to scroll down to the bottom of this post at some point where the video is embedded and listen to the whole thing at least once.

However, I’m not responsible if it ends up stuck in your head, or on repeat for the next week.  ❤

Anyway… this song very much speaks to me on a profound level, in regards to both RL and SL.  It’s no secret to most of you who care enough to have noticed that I’ve not logged in much over the last month.  Most of that was health-related, I will admit, and I’m doing much better… and have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to make sure everything is smoothed over and I’m recovering how I should be.

However, health issues aside, some of it… I just hit that limit where I was either stressed out or frustrated with everything I tried to do… and none of it was inspiring anymore.  Logging in began to feel more like a chore than it did a pleasure.  And one thing Gen has always told me from pretty much the day we started talking more often was that things in your life should be there to enhance it in a positive way… and that’s the only reason they should be there.  It got to the point to where SL and the people in it were no longer enhancing my life in a positive way… but in fact, they were becoming detrimental to me, and hurtful most of all.

Slowly I’ve creeped back in here in the last week or so… testing the waters and seeing if it feels ok to stay again.  The act of logging in no longer throws me into a panic attack or makes me angry… so that’s a step in the right direction.  But I’d be lying if I said there weren’t some people in particular that set off that side of me when I think about, look at, or speak to them.  And right now, my body physically cannot handle the stress of the anxiety that these particular people induce.  So if you ever see me randomly pop offline unexpectedly, especially mid-conversation, I promise I’m not trying to be a bitch… it’s that I’ve been triggered and have probably ducked out to hide for a bit to keep myself in check, for the sake of my health.

If you /are/ one of these people, trust me, you either already know, or I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.

But in my last week or so in I’ve just been trying to focus on a couple of things that I used to find passion and enjoyment in… and this seems to be working.  I sent in a casting for one of my favorite stores, that allowed me to style something completely fun and funky with a lot of bright colors from one of the most amazing palettes I saw come out of the Autumn collections in SL this year.  And I’ve been poking around with an event idea.  And if you read the last post, then you know that I went out and impulse-bought a L$2,500 gift card to Truth Hair to giveaway to those of you who are here and read me and have just generally been there and not been a nuisance to the grid… lol.  Because I appreciate you all, and I actually was able this year to finally do something to show that.

And then today, I ran across a post on Facebook and I HAD to run IMMEDIATELY and pick up this gown.  One of the other things that’s kept me calm lately is just dressing however I damn well please.  For about a week I rocked a look that I classified to Gen as “hobo chic” with my tied top, jeans, beanie hair, complete with high heels.  (Trekking through the snow as we explored a few sims, mind you.  Beastmode Princess.)  But if you know me at all, you know I occasionally get a wild inspiration that says I MUST look pretty today, even if I’m not going to a formal any time soon.  And that is where this gown is so amazing.

I am in love.  So in love.  And if I didn’t have to change clothes for a commitment tomorrow, then I would likely be in this gown for a week.  LOL.

Merry Christmas, if I don’t see you before then, aside from to annouce the winner of the gift card giveaway.  Which, btw, ends TOMORROW NIGHT at 10pm SLT.  Click HERE for the post with terms and instructions and the link to Rafflecopter giveaway page where I’m running it.

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*~* This Goes Out To The Heaviest Heart… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || Alterego
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Patricia (Dark Greys) || enVOGUE || **recent release**
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom (formerly Milk)
Lipstick: Essential Lipstick Red (Matte; Deep) || Pink Fuel
Gown: Golden Leaf (Red) || Kelini Haute Couture || **recent release**
Jewelry Set: Lasya Complete Set || Lazuri
* Comes with Forehead Jewel, Earrings, Necklace, Upper Arm Bracelets, Bracelets, Anklets, Belly Jewel, Rings

Pose (photo 1): Cute 5 Mirror || Vitalis Animatum || **recent release**
Pose (photo 2): Aphrodita 7 || Posesion Poses

Backdrop: 1 Derb Assehbe. Marrakech || Common Gacha Item || Rowne || Dec. Arcade

Blogging Tune: “It’s Not Over Yet” – For King and Country