Posted in Events, Jewelry & Accessory Expo, Life, New Releases

Confession .03. My Mood Is Fickle

You fascinated me, cloaked in shadows and secrecy
The beauty of a broken angel
I ventured carefully, afraid of what You thought I’d be
But pretty soon I was entangled…

Warrior

“Teach me how to fight, I’ll show you how to win.  You’re my mortal flaw, and I’m Your favorite sin.  Let me feel the sting, the pain, the burn under my skin.”

So.  I took these pictures yesterday and then kinda lost the motivation to actually WRITE a post for them, so I sat on them for a day.  Sorry about that.  However, it means that I can ironically announce and thank a new sponsor in a post that actually features them, so that coincidence totally works out, right?

Continue reading “Confession .03. My Mood Is Fickle”

Posted in Events, Jewelry & Accessory Expo, Life, New Releases

Confession .01. I Miss My Father

It’s perfect outside, it’s like God, let me dial up the weather
Got the whole crew here, ain’t seen some of them in forever
It’s one of those never forget it, better stop and take it in kind of scenes
Everything’s just right, yeah, except for one thing…
You should be here.

You Should Be Here

“It’s one of those moments that’s got your name written all over it.  And you know that if I had just one wish, it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this.  You should be here.”

My blog turned 3 years old on the 19th.  🙂  This is amazing to me.  I also, at some point this week, reached 500 followers.  This is equally, if not moreso, amazing to me.

Continue reading “Confession .01. I Miss My Father”

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Life Is A Drink, And Life’s A Drug…

And said drink from me, drink from me
When I was so thirsty
Pour on a symphony
Now I just can’t get enough….

Hymn For The Weekend

“Your love’s about to make the stars come out.”

Steampunk is not normally my thing.  I feel like I need to preface this post with that, before I get the “OMG YOU JUST BUTCHERED MY LIFEBLOOD!” comments.

However, I saw the Steam Love collection that Lyrical B!zarre just put out, and I fell in love with a vast majority of everything I saw.  This particular outfit, however, is what stuck out the most to me, because of its simplicity and intricacy all at once.  That, and I love the cage skirting.  A bit out there, but still simple and not to “look at me!”

And of course, when I saw the top hat, I knew I had to pair it with one of Truth’s recent-ish hairs and a set that was graciously given to the Chop Zuey bloggers.  It isn’t “new”, per se, but it’s a gorgeous set that was created for MissSL India in last year’s pageant.

The skin is, of course, another one of AlterEgo’s.  I feel as though I’ve worn her skins exclusively for the last few months, and I think it would be safe to say that I will continue to wear them exclusively for the foreseeable future.  This PARTICULAR version of this PARTICULAR skin is not available in the store.  It was a raffle prize from BlackOut and was never actually put in the store in any form, but there was a rumor that at some point, she may put a ‘no makeup’ version of this face in the Mainstore.  So keep a lookout!

I’m just having a bit too much fun in photoshop lately.  😀

Hymn For The Weekend 2

*~* Life Is A Drink, And Life’s A Drug… *~*

..:: Shape ::.. MINE
..:: Skin ::.. Joclynn (Havana Tone) || AlterEgo
* Again, this skin and this face is not available at the Mainstore, however if you scroll through my recent posts, you’ll see the awesomeness Toxx makes!  Totally worth a look.
..:: Eyes ::.. Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
..:: Hair ::.. Emeline (Blacks&Whites) || Truth Hair
..:: Body ::.. Lara Body (v3.5) || Maitreya
* Maitreya just updated their body yesterday!  Be sure to grab it!
..:: Hands ::.. Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) || Slink
..:: Feet ::.. Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
..:: Lipstick ::.. Classic Lipstick (Ruby Red; Java Tone) || Pink Fuel
..:: Dress/Skirt/Hat ::.. Steam Futura || Lyrical B!zarre || new release!
..:: Heels ::.. Kaia (Black) || N-Core
..:: Necklace/Earrings ::.. MissSL Chandrani Texture Change Set || Chop Zuey
* This set comes with a color change HUD to work the diamonds, gems, and pearls separately, providing for endless combinations!

..:: Pose (photo 1) ::.. Statue 7 || Posesion
..:: Pose (photo 2) ::.. Mortius 10 || Posesion

..:: Location ::.. Advent Hollow Harbor

..:: Blogging Tune ::.. “Hymn For The Weekend” – Coldplay

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Channeling Angels In The New Age Now…

Will You still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me when I’ve got nothing but my aching soul?

Young & Beautiful

“I’ve seen the world, lit it up, as my stage now.”

Ok!  So!  The blog I promised of the outfit I danced in last night, cause too many of you asked me.  Lol.  And a few disclaimers… first of all, I MUST give credit where credit is due.  This entire look was inspired by how amazing Toxxic looked at BlackOut this past weekend.  When I knew I was working with a black box and particles, I knew I wanted to be completely white.  So I took inspiration from her look, which you can find HERE on her blog, and created my own interpretation.  Complete with this NEW tone for the Adriana skin that she just released yesterday.  (Yes, I literally purchased the skin 15 minutes before the show started.  LOL.)

The other disclaimer is that for the blog post, I changed hair.  The hair I danced in just wasn’t playing nice with the windlight.  However, if you want the hair I danced in, it was Magika’s “Shimmer”.  The white color I used is part of Hud 02.  BUT, changing hair was a wonderful excuse to blog this super cute hair from Doe, so it all worked out!

Anyway… just wow.  As I said on Facebook last night, I had never experimented in Particle Artistry before.  When I began dancing in SL back in 2009, I was strictly a Gorean dancer for a short bit… it was all I knew how to do.  And then when I moved into being both a Gorean dancer and a neo-burlesque performer, I still didn’t really use particles so much.  I think the one time I did was actually in a Gorean dance, and it was towards the end, I used a lightening particle effect coming from my hands to emphasize a point in the dance.  Otherwise, I didn’t really use them.

There were so many other modern dancers a part of the dance community that made it their life’s mission to be Particle Artists, and they were so amazing and beautiful… I just never thought to try.  Leave it to the pro’s, right?  Welp.  After coming back to modern dancing a few weeks ago, I decided it was time for some changes and some new things!

When I chose the song “Young and Beautiful”… it was just such a tragically beautiful song that I couldn’t do anything too complex to it.  I knew, very quickly, that this would be the song I would finally dip my toe into being not just a dancer… but a Particle Artist.  The entire dance was done in a black box, and done entirely just with music, animations, appearance (which this look is quite shocking, yes?  I love it!), and particles.

It was so well-received.  I’m still just completely blown away at the compliments on it I’m still getting today.  People who saw the video or were at the show… I can’t begin to tell you how humbled I am that you all enjoyed it so much.  I will definitely be pursuing more particle art pieces!  I promise you!

For those who may not have seen the amazing video that Toxxic did for me, you can find it HERE on her Flickr.  The only thing that didn’t come through was a lot of the color of the particles, but it’s still such a gorgeously edited video… I’m blown away and flattered.  And, again, so damn humbled.

Thank you all again, for making last night one of the greatest nights of my dancing career.  ❤

Young & Beautiful 2

*~* Channeling Angels In The New Age Now… *~*

..:: Shape ::.. MINE
..:: Skin ::.. Adrianna Skin (Pearle Tone; Browless version) || AlterEgo || new release!
..:: Eyes ::.. Demon Eyes || Genesis Lab || group gift!
..:: Hair ::.. Camilla (Pastels) || Doe
..:: Body ::.. Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
* Maitreya just released an update to their body today, that I did not put on before these pictures, as they were actually taken last night!  Please make sure you update your body.
..:: Hands ::.. Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) || Slink
..:: Nails&Rings ::.. My Short Square Nails || Puki
* The ones I’m wearing were made specifically for Slink Gesture hands, HOWEVER there are so many other hand styles sold in the mainstore, so I’m sure there’s one for your preferred hand!
..:: Eyebrows ::.. Brows (tintable) || AlterEgo
..:: Eyemakeup ::.. Combined (tintable) || AlterEgo
..:: Lipstick ::.. Geisha Lip (White) || AlterEgo
* The above 3 cosmetics are all from a makeup addon pack sold in AlterEgo.
..:: Dress ::.. Muted Coven Dress (Milk) || Zenith
..:: Collar ::.. Muted Coven Collar (Snow) || Zenith
..:: Tattoo ::.. Southpaw (White) || RARE Gacha Item || White Widow

..:: Pose (photo 1) ::.. Deluxe 3 || Posesion
..:: Pose (photo 2) ::.. Runway 1 5 (Level 4) || Vitalis Animatum

..:: Location ::.. Noir Neverland Cabaret

..:: Blogging Tune ::.. “Young and Beautiful” – Lana Del Ray

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If You Were A Poet And I Was A Faultless Muse…

Yeah, one million bullets could come my way
But I want you to know that I’d take a million, babe
How many would you take?

One Million Bullets 2

“I got a feeling the war has been won here.”

Wow.  You look very, very, very hot.

That’s what I like to hear about an outfit like this!  LOL.  I have what could probably be deemed as an ‘unhealthy obsession’ with anything and everything that Aisling makes, from the first gacha machine I ever played… which was their Game of Thrones Lady of Highgarden set at a Secret Affair event a couple years ago.  Been hooked ever since.

And this round of Fantasy Gacha Carnival was no exception.

Though, to be perfectly honest, it made me super giddy to get that compliment from the person I got it from, if I’m gonna be honest.  And after all, where am I the most honest?  Here in this damn blog.  LOL.

I’m pretty sure I made an ass out of myself when I first met this person.  Like… I’m pretty sure I was in a super weird mood that day/that point in my life… and I IMed Him acting like the epitome of a “pushy sub” and He HAD to have thought I was insane.  Like… certifiably psycho.  Or, at the very least, a nympho.  Lmao.  But despite what I am pretty sure was a quite tragically embarrassing beginning, that Man did not mute and derender me.  Lolol.  He actually kept speaking to me.

And I totally developed a thing for Him, like a little girl who has NO clue what she’s doing.  Lol.

But come ON… if half of you heard this Man’s voice just once… and then listened to the content of what He speaks… You would fully understand how feelings happened.

But the thing about Him, is that feelings happened.. but rather than trying to act on them, or explore them, I was content with just occupying a space in His life at all.  And that space just happened to grow to be like a little sister to Him.  Which is fine in the long run.  In the end, it’s kept us in each others’ lives for YEARS.

Though of course, there’s always a but…

On days like today when I’m watching everyone around me pair off, I do muse occasionally on the “what if”s in life… and this Man frequents them more than I’d like to admit.  Lol.

So, yeah… all this to say, that compliment made me grin like an idiot, and blush like a little girl.

Why are feelings so stupid?

One Million Bullets

*~* If You Were A Poet And I Was A Faultless Muse… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Dionne Skin (Soleil) || AlterEgo
*This is one of Toxxic’s gorgeous new Gen Two skins that were released in store on Feb 1st.  You should definitely go check it out. All new faces, and a completely redone body.
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Haley (Naturals) || Lovey Dovey
* This was released at BlackOut this year, but it should hopefully be in the mainstore soon.
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) || Slink
Lipstick: Classic Lipstick (Ruby Red; Java) || Pink Fuel
Top & Sleeves: Phryne Set || Common Gacha Item || Aisling || FGC Feb 2016
Panties & Skirt: Phryne Set || Common Gacha Item || Aisling || FGC Feb 2016
Collar/Cape/Backpiece: Phyrne Set || RARE Gacha Item || Aisling || FGC Feb 2016
Headpiece: Phyrne Set || RARE Gacha Item || Aisling || FGC Feb 2016

Pose (photo 1): Eternal Beauty 6 || Nantra
Pose (photo 2): Yeriak 1 || Posesion

Location: Miyako Jima Island

Blogging Tune: “One Million Bullets” – Sia

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I Don’t Like To Wait Too Long To Wait Too Long…

Babe, I wanna drink You in
Like Oxygen, like Oxygen
Baby, I’m a house on fire
And I wanna keep burning…

House On Fire

“I’m going up in flames, and You’re to blame, yeah You’re to blame.  Baby, I’m a house on fire, and I wanna keep burning.”

First of all, I have a new sponsor!  😀  Thank you very much to Belle Roussel of Chop Zuey for hopping aboard the crazy train that is my blog life.  Lol.  This set that I’m featuring today is actually going to be released as a Valentine’s Day set on Valentine’s Day (Sunday, Feb 14th).  The FIRST 50 COPIES will be 50% off.  So go, run!  Shoo!

Also, I have discovered a new love… Lovey Dovey hair!  Teeny made the hair that was in my post yesterday during AlterEgo’s BlackOut, and I was so thrilled with it, I had to run to her store and see what else she had.  I came away with this adorable hair that was perfect for showcasing Chop Zuey’s necklace.

Anyway… what I wanted to talk about.

Since it’s 3 in the morning… it’s technically Valentine’s Day for me.  So on this… Valentine’s Day… I want to tell you a story.  And by “you”, I certainly mean any of you crazy enough to be reading this far… but I’m also hoping a particular person sees this, reads it, and truly thinks about its content.

I stopped believing in a “natural fit” a long time ago.. or, at least, I thought I had.  Once bitten, twice shy, and other cliches of that nature explain my life far more accurately than they should.  There are reasons behind most things I do, no matter how stupid or small they seem… and it’s because I’ve become accustomed to an existence where everything is about safety.  There is a cliche that says we build walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down.  That is not the case for me… I very much build my walls to keep people out.

Because it’s safer that way.

You said that perhaps You were more torn up about Your break-up than You thought You were… I’ve been there.  In fact… I’ve been there recently.  Let me tell you a story…

I don’t roleplay much anymore, but when I did, I was very story-line focused.  I wanted continuity.  In other words, I couldn’t just take a massive hiatus and come back like nothing ever happened.  In my head, I needed a logical explanation.  Fortunately for me, it always seemed that I took a hiatus when, feasibly, I could be gone for a long time, per story-line.  This particular time, the last time I had roleplayed, I had been stolen by a Northern Man and taken North.  To anyone’s knowledge, I had never been recovered and brought back home.

So that was where it was able to start.

I met Him… and immediately He was honest that He was actually a She behind the keyboard.  At the time, I was only after a story-line, and so the gender of the typist didn’t matter too much to me.  She played her male character very well, and that was what mattered to me.  He/She also told me He/She was married.  So immediately we established boundaries.  Her husband knew about what she did in Second Life… because there were things she needed that she couldn’t get from her marriage.  (Sound familiar?)  But at the same time, setting boundaries helped keep her RL marriage a priority, and everybody knew where everybody stood.  Again, I only wanted a story-line at the time, so all of this was quite agreeable to me.

But the more we hung out, and the more we roleplayed, and the more we sat in voice on Skype, the more we opened up to each other.  I told her things… some things You know, and some things You don’t.  She told me things.  She told me a lot of things… including entrusting me with some very personal pieces of herself and her past.  It was enlightening, about the person behind the keyboard.  I felt like I knew more than just her character, I knew her.

That was probably mistake number one.  We really got to know each other.  With the boundaries we’d set and the kind of ‘relationship’ that we wanted, it was probably a mistake to be as ‘plugged in’ to each other as we were.  But it happened.  And at the time, neither of us seemed to mind.

Until, of course, we realized we loved each other.

And when we figured that out, most of the basis of our roleplay went out the window, and we roleplayed so rarely that sometimes we’d forget we had obligations in the RP sim.  Granted, there was other shit going on not related to our relationship that made that roleplay environment pretty dismal anyway… but for the most part, our power exchange and our dynamic vanished.

We became more of a boyfriend/girlfriend… or, I guess in our case, girlfriend/girlfriend.

I suppose, to look at it in that sense, She was my first girlfriend.

When everything went downhill, it did so very quickly.  She had told me in the beginning she was a Switch, but that she so rarely visited her submissive side, it wouldn’t be a problem.  So, naturally, because the Universe is a bitch, it became a problem.  A large one.  She spent more and more time wanting to be submissive… and even trying to act submissive in OUR relationship, which… doesn’t bode well for me.  I need guidance and structure… I need a leader in the other half of my relationship.  I don’t need someone trying to follow me when, in my personal relationships, I’m seeking to follow them.

It was just a mess.

All in all, it ended in her telling me she couldn’t be what I needed.  That She can only be a Dominant to weak women.  That I was too strong for her.  Good to know that my working through my past and my problems to possess the inner strength that I possess, and then willingly hand it to someone who promises to guide me… is a negative thing?  It was an emotional breakup… or, at least, it was for me.  She claimed it was for her too, but at the same time she refused to come in voice to actually have the conversation.  It took place in an IM box.

I got mad and auto-returned everything on our home sim and tp’d out.  Yeah, I reacted.  My bad.

Less than a week later (within a matter of days), she was off on her alt in the collar of some Man.  And a week after that, she was running around the sim we roleplayed on, on her male avatar, dragging some new girl around.  All that time we spent together, all that love we supposedly had for one another… and it was less than 2 weeks before she had completely forgotten about me and replaced me.

My heart broke all over again, realizing just how little I meant to Her.

So, I guess, in a way, I’m pretty emotionally fucked up from my last break-up too.  But I meant everything I said that night, and I still have that gift in my inventory with Your name on it that I look at… daily… and have no idea what to do with.

Perhaps we are more of a ‘natural fit’ than You thought… or, rather, than You stopped thinking.  You were the first one to use the term.  But then you ‘changed your mind’.

I don’t know.  I just know that I don’t like how things are now.  I don’t.  I don’t like the silence.  I don’t like You just leaving without another word like everything was supposed to be perfect and the first time it wasn’t, it’s no longer worth it.

I don’t like it.  Come home?

House On Fire 2

*~* I Don’t Like To Wait Too Long To Wait Too Long… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Mila Skin (Almond Tone; Special Diva Makeup) || AlterEgo
* This particular makeup was exclusive as a raffle prize at BlackOut 2016, however other versions of the Mila skin are for sale with the Generation One skins at AlterEgo’s mainstore.
Eyes: Triumph Eyes (Silverleaf) || IKON
Hair: Blossom (Natural Ombres) || Lovey Dovey
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Dress: Valentina Dress (White) || Topazia
Boots: Nicole Boots (White) || Candydoll
* I bought these boots at Candydoll’s display at BlackOut, but they should be in the mainstore.  If they aren’t right now, they should be soon!
Necklace: Dirait-On Necklace || Chop Zuey
Bracelet: Dirait-On Bracelet 1 || Chop Zuey
* This set is color change with 12 different colors for the center gem of the necklace.  4 different bracelets come with the set that you are able to mix and match, all for the right arm but they are copyable so you can make left copies too.  This set also comes with Earrings that are not shown.

Pose (photo 1): Mortius 5 || Posesion
Pose (photo 2): Narnia 6 || Posesion

Blogging Tune: “House On Fire” – Sia

Posted in Uncategorized

All The Devil Dust And Heat Inside…

Let me drink your heart drunk
Let me dream your eyes shut
Let me get your mind off
Let me make your body talk

Blackout2FINAL

“I want to feel you and read between your lines.  And I can never heal you, but I can promise I could try.”

Also… Toxx, if you’re reading this, of COURSE I had to make a Devil reference.  Come on.  😀

For those of you who aren’t at BlackOut right now… apparently Toxxic is the Devil, and none of us are too bright for playing gestures in local while we’re lagging.  I mean… with between 80 and 100 people on the sim at any given time, it’s going to lag regardless of if we’re silent or not… so we may as well have fun and keep Toxx awake.

… Because, oh yeah, she’s been DJ’ing for over 12 hours straight now.  ❤

Right!  So!  What the hell is BlackOut, you ask?  First of all, where the hell you been?  BlackOut is AlterEgo’s annual party that Toxxic throws for all her loyal customers, to celebrate AlterEgo’s birthday and basically be the amazing person that she is to all of us.  This year there are, like, 16 or 17 guest designers, most of which have put up something BRAND NEW at BlackOut, so the only way to buy it right now… is to buy it here.

Toxx has been DJ’ing since the event opened at midnight SLT, and is planning on powering through until our DREAM DJ lineup begins at 3pm SLT.

3pm – DJ Turbiine //Global Bass [EDM]
4pm – DJ Dappa // Dubstep
5pm – DJ Orph3us // Hybrid Trap
6pm – Lichi Moonwall // Progressive & Electro House
7pm – DJ Rolow // Trap & Twerk
8pm – DJ Neddy // Hip-Hop
9pm – DJ Ayline // Trap & EDM
10pm – DJ Rich // Dirty Electro & Bounce
11pm – Toxxic Rhiannyr // WorkOut Muzic

And you know we never end right at midnight when we’re supposed to.  *Grins*  There is talk of an after party.

But that’s not all!  It’s not just music and shopping.  Toxxic currently has 2 raffle boards set up, one of her Gen I skins, and one of her Gen II skins.  Each Raffle enters 100 people and chooses 30 winners.  Those winners get whatever skin pack was being raffled… and it’s a FULL pack like what would be sold in the store.  So those Gen II packs?  That’s a L$999 value, just for hanging out and clicking a raffle board.

See what I mean by how awesome Toxx is to her customers during BlackOut?

Oh… but there’s still more!  Throughout the day, Toxx has just randomly been giving out gift cards that she has gathered up from guest designers and other creators across the grid to celebrate as well.

She has accumulated over  L$40,000 worth of gift cards from stores such as Doe, Truth, Magika, Blueberry, Half Deer, Zombie Suicide, Puki, Letis Tattoo, QE, AlterEgo, CerberusXing, Just Because, Sassy, American Bazaar, R3volt, Soul, Tabou, The Little Bat, Razor, White Widow, Dappa & Pixicat.

Now… you want the catch?  You MUST be a member of the Toxxic Design Studios in-world group to get in to this awesome party.  No tag, no entry.  Since November of last year, Toxx has kept the group open and free to join, and she as well as all of us have been harassing our friends to get into the group while there’s still a chance.  HOWEVER, if you’ve ignored our warnings, fear not!  You can still get into the group and into the party, but it will cost you a L$1,500 group join fee.

However, considering that one of those skin packs I mentioned earlier was valued at L$999… if you stick around and end up winning 2 raffles like I have so far (There is no limit to only being able to win once.  You can enter 1 time per raffle, each raffle) then you will have won something that MORE than exceeds the cost of the group membership.

As if all of this was wasn’t enough… everything in AlterEgo is 25% off for today only, and when wearing your group tag you earn 10% store credit to use starting tomorrow!  And for the last hugely awesome thing, there are TWELVE, yes TWELVE free gifts for ladies on the tables at the back of the dance floor.  (And even a gift for guys, if you drag your man along.)

The outfit I’m blogging today (and the whole reason I’m trying to blog in the middle of this awesome party… LOL…) is made up of things you can find here at the store either from Toxx herself or from the array of guest designers who so generously have made items for us.

Happy birthday, AlterEgo, and thank you Toxxic for being SO amazing!

Blackout1FINAL

*~* All the Devil Dust And Heat Inside… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Adriana Skin (Rose [Special Tone!]) || AlterEgo || Group Gift!
* This version comes with a red brow version and a browless version so you can wear your own tattoo brows for other colors.
Eyes: Triumph Eyes (Silverleaf) || IKON
Hair: Haley (Naturals) || Lovey Dovey || BlackOut 2016
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Top: Petty Top (Black) || Cynful || BlackOut 2016
Pants: Arsenal Pants & Bullet Belt (Black & Silver) || Razor || BlackOut 2016
Heels: Tied Up Shoes (Black) || Bishes Inc || BlackOut 2016
Tattoo: Whiplash (Normal Opacity) || White Widow || BlackOut 2016

Pose: Statue 7 || Posesion Poses

Location: AlterEgo Mainstore – BlackOut 2016!

Blogging Tune: “Body Talk (Mammoth)” – Dimitri Vegas, Moguai, & Like Mike
*And whatever else Toxxic is playing while she’s DJ’ing!  Lol.

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On My Own I’m Only Half Of What I Could Be…

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

GodGaveMeYou2FINAL

“We are stitched together, and what love has tethered, I pray we never undo.”

Apparently all I do is trash people in this blog.  *Laughs*  As any of you who have been here for any amount of time and actually READ this thing know… that is FAR from the truth… but let the people with more mouth than sense wag their tongues all they like.  And if any have managed to wander their way over here for this post because someone read this small paragraph and went running to them crying ‘drama’, please, take the complimentary doughnut pillow for your butt-hurt and have a seat.

Now that that’s out of the way, the REAL purpose of this post is the exact opposite of trashing (which, this sort of thing and other randomness is what makes up the vast majority of my blog… again, if you’ve been here for any length of time and actually read me, then you know that… lol).  I heard this song what feels like 86,000 times in the 12 hour drive to Indiana, and the 12 hour drive home when I went for my cousin’s Celebration of Life, and I couldn’t get it out of my head.

It made me think… and we all know what happens when Tivi thinks… she gets sappy.  LOL.

I’ve been given so many people in my life, both first and second, and more often than not, I find myself focused moreso on the self-centered assholes that use me and then leave.  I’m so blinded by those that hurt me, that I don’t really see those that don’t, nor do I appreciate them often enough.  And so, I thought I’d sorta put it out there, and focus on some of the amazing people that I’ve been given in my Second Life.

God gave me… Rayven.  I figured I’d start here with Him because He is the farthest in my past and the one from this list that I do not talk to any more.  My fault, and too long of a story to indulge in.  In a community full of people – particularly the Men in my life at that time – that would look at a weak woman as something easy to take advantage of, Rayven was the first Male to walk into my life and truly be a Man.  He saw a vulnerable woman in a horrible situation, and rather than thinking about what He could gain, and how He could most easily get what He wanted, He removed me from the situation and proceeded to focus on my safety and my well-being.  In turn, I did my best to serve Him in our relationship, but at the time I did not really have a grasp on the concept of simply ‘doing my duty’ versus truly VALUING a person’s presence in Your life.  Almost 3 years ago now, I did write Him a letter to express these things, and apologize for never valuing Him as much as He deserved, but I’m not sure if He ever read it.  Either way, the idea that Men like Rayven still exist out there somewhere, is honestly what keeps me from giving up on the idea entirely after going through another terrible situation.  A Gem found me once before.  Perhaps it will happen again.  They exist.

God also gave me… Reign.  Mostly to kick my ass when I need it, both in modeling and out.  But seriously.  At the time that I met a certain Miss Reign Congrejo, she came as a bit of a package deal with Sequoia, and both of them were what kept me from quitting modeling all together, almost immediately after I started.  I was involved in a HORRIBLE first pageant experience (ironically, the pageant that inspired me to write the letter to Rayven that I mentioned)… and I was considering simply being done.  We were lied to, verbally accosted at every turn any time someone asked a question or brought something up for clarification, titles were ripped from ladies with no reason, titles were held over our heads like the Sword of Damocles… and the whole thing was just a nightmare.  It wasn’t until I randomly showed up for a video casting that Reign and Sequoia were doing for their Colour of Couture pageant that I met them both, and they showed me a true experience with wonderful people.  To this day, Reign is still the swift kick in the ass I need, when I need it.

God also gave me… Iris.  Dear lord.  A dancer who has just as much, if not more, passion as I do about it… is just as subbie, if not more, outside of dance as I am… and has just as many, if not more (lol), pet peeves as I do about dance and needs someone to rant to.  Iris and I were like a friendship match in freaking heaven.  I am super over-bearing and pushy when I’m stubbornly passionate about something and clinging to it… and she totally puts up with it.  Lol.  I am also super protective of her when she lets me in the deeper things…. and she also puts up with that.  And I know she gets easily frazzled and do my best to make her breathe.  (“Breathe, bitches!”)  Iris is about the only person besides mama that I would trust as a dance teacher to learn from, because she is just as passionate about seeing the individual succeed… not beating the individuality out of them.  And she comes up with zany dance exhibition ideas that let me do crazy dances I’d never get to do anywhere else!

God also gave me… Mama (Rya)!  Oh my god.  This woman… is a pain in my ass.  But a lovable pain in my ass.  Lol.  Mama is another one that kinda saves me from quitting things when the frustration over politics and other general bullshit gets to be too much for me.  Where Reign keeps me from quitting modeling, Rya keeps me from quitting dance.  I never knew the woman was a Gorean dancer when I first met her.  I met her when I was dancing in clubs and just generally hanging out and getting to know people, back when I first joined SL between 7 and 8 years ago.  Later, she became my dance manager, and we were talking one night and she just so happened to mention that she’d started dancing in a place called Gor.  I’d just started roleplaying there off and on and had started dancing myself… and from there, we were pretty much inseparable.  Mama is another one that wishes to see the individual dancer succeed, and share her individual heart, rather than beating the individuality out of them, and I love her to death for it.  It takes a special kind of person to put up with my brand of bullshit every day for 7 years now and still call me her daughter.  LOL.

God also gave me… Sarah.  I swear, if she wasn’t Rya’s daughter, she would be mine.  I really hope that she doesn’t take offense to this analogy, but it’s the only thing I can think of at the moment to describe just the sorts of things Sarah has taught me about myself… you know how sometimes in Health class (or even Science class)… or if your parents are a special brand of twisted, you do this at home too, maybe for punishment… you’re given an egg and you have to take care of it and keep it from breaking?  Or a sack of flour… depending on your school system/parent.  Or the child development classes that give you the fake baby?  Or even parents that try to instill these values of caring in their children by getting them a pet to take care of.  When Sarah started in the classes and let us really get to know her, I connected with her in a way I had never connected with another human being before.  I cared for her, not in a romantic way (lawd… my sister/daughter-figure… that’d be weird), but in a way that so deeply transcended friendship I wouldn’t hesitate to snap the neck of someone who hurt her in any way.  When you go through a lot of negative things in your life like I have – and many of us have – sometimes it desensitizes you and dehumanizes you a bit to the world around you.  Sarah is what keeps me grounded and connected to my inner “decent human being”.

And last but not least, for this completely non-comprehensive list, God gave me… Nova.  (I can picture her getting a little grumbly the more she read, thinking she might not be on the list.  LOL.)  Nova, Nova, Nova.  What can I say about Nova?  Well first of all, it’s all Sam’s fault that I even know her, let alone like her so much.  LOL.  And my Sam’s fault, I mean a collective burden between myself and Sam.  Sam was a friend from college who lived in my dorm building and ran the night desk a lot of nights.  If ever I was up late at night and couldn’t sleep, I’d text her and see if she was running the desk in our building, and if she was, I’d go downstairs and hang out for a bit.  Occasionally I’d bring my laptop, and one day she got a look at it while I was logged into SL.  “What’s that?”  (The dreaded first question, am I right?)  I explained SL to her and she made an avi shortly after and started exploring.  She’d mentioned she’d gotten a friend of hers involved as well, though I later found out that Nova had actually tried SL once before and just hadn’t logged in often or found anything she really liked about it yet before Sam mentioned it to her again.  And so because she was Sam’s friend, obviously I met her.  I even roomed with them for a couple months in real life after college to get out of a not-so-fantastic home situation.  All in all, Nova is just an amazing person.  She puts her all into everything she does and tries her damnedest to do it all to the best of her ability all the time.  It makes me giggle to listen to her get frustrated with herself over the smallest shit, and talk to herself while she’s styling/designing/photographing/doing anything really.  And of course, when we’re in Skype, between my shitty internet and her haunted laptop that likes to randomly switch inputs on her, I can only ever really hear clearly when she’s talking about testicles, nothing else.  My life is far better from having Nova in it.

And those are just a select few of the people in my life that God has given me, that I don’t show appreciation to often enough.  I don’t really do ‘New Year’s resolutions’, but if I did, I would say that one of them… a GOAL, per se, is to consider this more positive side of people more often.  Like I said, I think in my last post, my therapist keeps trying to drill into my head that I can’t just assume the worst of people just because they are similar to people in my past, or the situation we’re in is similar.  And I’m trying to do that.  😀

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*~* On My Own I’m Only Half Of What I Could Be… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Natural pupil) || IKON
Hair: Amber (Brunettes) || Spellbound
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Eye Makeup: Mya Makeup (manually tinted) || Nuuna
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom
Gown: Queen Gorgo Draped Ancient Dress (Plum) || Kaithleen’s || Recent Release!

Pose (photo 1): Statue 7 || Posesion
Pose (photo 2): Cute 5 mirror || Vitalis Animatum

Location: Pandora Box of Dreams

Blogging Tune: “God Gave Me You” – Blake Shelton

Posted in Uncategorized

Can We Just Be Broken Together?

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?

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“If you can bring your shattered dreams, and I’ll bring mine… could healing still be spoken and save us?”

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, and because I’m kinda in the mood for it, I’ma do another one of the Lover’s Dictionary series posts.  Buuuuuut before I jumped into the word, I wanted to say a huge thank you to my newest sponsor, SayaNicole Cuttita from Envious.  Envious has been one of my favorite brands since I stepped out of roleplay the first time (gods, in 2009?) and first cared about what my avatar looked like.  It’s very rare that I will wear an outfit ‘out of the box’, or multiple pieces from the same outfit, but with Saya’s designs, I always do… cause it’s just so damned awesome.  So thank you, Saya!

cajole, v.

I didn’t understand how someone from a completely landlocked state could be so terrified of sharks.  Even in the aquarium, I had to do everything to get you to come close to the tank.  Then, in the Natural History Museum, I couldn’t say Quiet any longer.
“It’s not alive,” I said.  “It can’t hurt you.”
But you held back, and I was compelled to push you into the glass.
What did it matter to me?  Did I think that by making you rational about one thing, I could make you rational about everything?
Maybe.  Or maybe I just wanted to save you from your fears.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

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cajole, v.

I am positively terrified of damn near everything.  Some of my fears are rational… I’ve had bad experiences with them in the past, which make me incredibly wary of being in similar situations.  Some of my fears, however, are completely irrational; I’ve never been involved in a damn thing even close to it.  There is zero reason for it.  And yet, here I sit… completely petrified.

The problem, though, is that You tried to convince me that the things I was rationally afraid of, were, in fact, irrational fears.  That the things in my past should simply stay there, and should never have any sort of impact on my future judgment or future feelings.  While I agree to a certain extent… that I should never PUNISH people in my future for the mistakes of those in my past… I do have to assert that my past experiences will make me wary, and that this is perfectly ok.

The first time I put my hand on the burning hot stove as a child, I learned damn well never to do that again.  My brain works the same way with most everything else.

My therapist tells me I can’t assume everyone is a bad person, just because they exude similar qualities to bad people in my past… or because I am in a similar situation that I was in in my past around bad people (i.e. I can’t assume all my classmates that are nice to me want to use me because I’m doing well)… however I still believe there’s a difference between that, and being cautious.

Or being genuinely afraid.  I was afraid of you.  That was the bottom line.

And there was only so much I could take of being constantly told that everything I said and did was irrational, no matter how rational it actually was.

And then the silence happened.  So, I guess that was that.

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*~* Can We Just Be Broken Together? *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Warrior (Brunettes) || Spellbound
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom
Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks (Red; Matte; Deep) || Pink Fuel
Dress & Heels: Maria Dress (15) || Envious
* Dress includes standard sizes, sizes for Slink Physique, and Belleza Venus/Isis/Freya
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Arm Tattoo: Atinne (Black) || Common Gacha Item || Things
Leg Tattoo:  Vayiane (Black) || Common Gacha Item || Things

Pose (photo 1): Statue 7 || Posesion
Pose (photos 2 & 3): Mortius 10 || Posesion

Backdrop: 9 rue du Marteau. Brussels || Common Gacha Item || Rowne

Blogging Tune: “Broken Together” – Casting Crowns

Posted in Uncategorized

This Goes Out To The Heaviest Heart…

To everyone who’s hit their limit, it’s not over yet
Even when you think you’re finished, it’s not over yet
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark, into the light, it’s not over
Hope is rising
Never give in, never give up, it’s not over!

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“Game, set, match.  Time to put it in your past.  Feel the winter leavin’, it’s redemption season!  Long live the young at heart.  Cheers to a brand new start!  We’re revived and breathin’ to live a life of freedom!”

Lyric overload today.  But I positively adore this song lately.  One of my ‘favorites of the moment’, religious song or not.  I would heavily encourage you to scroll down to the bottom of this post at some point where the video is embedded and listen to the whole thing at least once.

However, I’m not responsible if it ends up stuck in your head, or on repeat for the next week.  ❤

Anyway… this song very much speaks to me on a profound level, in regards to both RL and SL.  It’s no secret to most of you who care enough to have noticed that I’ve not logged in much over the last month.  Most of that was health-related, I will admit, and I’m doing much better… and have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to make sure everything is smoothed over and I’m recovering how I should be.

However, health issues aside, some of it… I just hit that limit where I was either stressed out or frustrated with everything I tried to do… and none of it was inspiring anymore.  Logging in began to feel more like a chore than it did a pleasure.  And one thing Gen has always told me from pretty much the day we started talking more often was that things in your life should be there to enhance it in a positive way… and that’s the only reason they should be there.  It got to the point to where SL and the people in it were no longer enhancing my life in a positive way… but in fact, they were becoming detrimental to me, and hurtful most of all.

Slowly I’ve creeped back in here in the last week or so… testing the waters and seeing if it feels ok to stay again.  The act of logging in no longer throws me into a panic attack or makes me angry… so that’s a step in the right direction.  But I’d be lying if I said there weren’t some people in particular that set off that side of me when I think about, look at, or speak to them.  And right now, my body physically cannot handle the stress of the anxiety that these particular people induce.  So if you ever see me randomly pop offline unexpectedly, especially mid-conversation, I promise I’m not trying to be a bitch… it’s that I’ve been triggered and have probably ducked out to hide for a bit to keep myself in check, for the sake of my health.

If you /are/ one of these people, trust me, you either already know, or I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.

But in my last week or so in I’ve just been trying to focus on a couple of things that I used to find passion and enjoyment in… and this seems to be working.  I sent in a casting for one of my favorite stores, that allowed me to style something completely fun and funky with a lot of bright colors from one of the most amazing palettes I saw come out of the Autumn collections in SL this year.  And I’ve been poking around with an event idea.  And if you read the last post, then you know that I went out and impulse-bought a L$2,500 gift card to Truth Hair to giveaway to those of you who are here and read me and have just generally been there and not been a nuisance to the grid… lol.  Because I appreciate you all, and I actually was able this year to finally do something to show that.

And then today, I ran across a post on Facebook and I HAD to run IMMEDIATELY and pick up this gown.  One of the other things that’s kept me calm lately is just dressing however I damn well please.  For about a week I rocked a look that I classified to Gen as “hobo chic” with my tied top, jeans, beanie hair, complete with high heels.  (Trekking through the snow as we explored a few sims, mind you.  Beastmode Princess.)  But if you know me at all, you know I occasionally get a wild inspiration that says I MUST look pretty today, even if I’m not going to a formal any time soon.  And that is where this gown is so amazing.

I am in love.  So in love.  And if I didn’t have to change clothes for a commitment tomorrow, then I would likely be in this gown for a week.  LOL.

Merry Christmas, if I don’t see you before then, aside from to annouce the winner of the gift card giveaway.  Which, btw, ends TOMORROW NIGHT at 10pm SLT.  Click HERE for the post with terms and instructions and the link to Rafflecopter giveaway page where I’m running it.

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*~* This Goes Out To The Heaviest Heart… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || Alterego
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Patricia (Dark Greys) || enVOGUE || **recent release**
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom (formerly Milk)
Lipstick: Essential Lipstick Red (Matte; Deep) || Pink Fuel
Gown: Golden Leaf (Red) || Kelini Haute Couture || **recent release**
Jewelry Set: Lasya Complete Set || Lazuri
* Comes with Forehead Jewel, Earrings, Necklace, Upper Arm Bracelets, Bracelets, Anklets, Belly Jewel, Rings

Pose (photo 1): Cute 5 Mirror || Vitalis Animatum || **recent release**
Pose (photo 2): Aphrodita 7 || Posesion Poses

Backdrop: 1 Derb Assehbe. Marrakech || Common Gacha Item || Rowne || Dec. Arcade

Blogging Tune: “It’s Not Over Yet” – For King and Country