Confession .127. Baby, I’m Right Here…

‘Cause I wanna touch you, baby
And I wanna feel you, too
I wanna see the sunrise and your sins
Just me and you…

Hi, my name is Deia, and I’m an insecure cow.

A lot of you are sitting here saying, “But Deia, you’re a massive, arrogant cunt.  What do you mean you’re insecure?”  To those of you… first of all, thank you.  I consider that a term of endearment, considering I’ve been called much worse.  Lol.  But secondly, allow me to explain to you how that works…

Confession .119. Gave You Everything And All I Got Was This…

I’m still rocking your hood, and chewing on the strings
It makes me think about you, so I wear it when I sleep
I kept the broken zipper and cigarette burns
Still rocking your hoodie, baby, even though it hurts…

Storytime with Deia!  This one’s a random/fun story, promise!  I need the giggle and the good nostalgia lately, so I thought I’d share it with you too.

Confession .85. I’m Jealous; I’m Over-Zealous…

I’ve got issues, You’ve got ’em too
So give them all to me and I’ll give mine to You
Bask in the glory of all our problems
Cause we’ve got the kind of love it takes to solve them
I’ve got issues, and one of them is how bad I need You…

So I’m sitting in a discussion right now – I’m seeing a pattern of blogging in the background during discussions lately… I’m sorry!  But I’m sitting in a discussion right now, and I’d even typed the title of this post and chosen the song before I hopped over here… only to find myself discussing one of the very words that I chose to use…

Over-zealous.

Basically, a more positive way to be called pushy, or – as the discussion topic brought up – a bitch.

Confession .63. Flashover

I realize that sometimes love brings you flowers
Then it builds you coffins
And far too often
We end up falling to our demise…

flashover

n. the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.

Staring out the window, she wonders just when it happened.  When that moment happened that made it all real, and different, and… alive!  When did she cross over between superficiality and trying to make it work to a sense of ease and joy in just finding a space near Him to call her own?

When did it become ok to be herself with Him?

Confession .53. I Told Myself This Could Be Rough…

So I’ll get the lights, and You lock the doors
We ain’t leaving this room til we both feel more
Don’t walk away, don’t roll Your eyes
They say love is pain.
Well, darling, let’s hurt tonight…

This isn’t exactly the most festive of outfits.  My apologies for that.  I did get the gorgeous bracelets/armlets/rings featured above in a blogger pack from Promagic, so I wanted something I could pair with them.  However, I’m just not exactly in the most festive mood today.

For the better part of several months now, I’ve been on this emotional rollercoaster with my RL family.  My step-dad has been in pain.  He has a bad back… so at first we thought nothing of it.  But then it didn’t go away.  He started getting sick… and his symptoms manifested like gallbladder symptoms, so we still didn’t worry too much.  He just needs a HIDA scan and to probably schedule gallbladder surgery.  No biggie.  We’ve had a surgeon down here do mine… but then all the tests started coming back negative and normal.  Then the doctor refused to run more tests and just wanted to ‘wait until his regular six month check-up’.  Meanwhile my step-dad was still in unmanaged pain.  So clearly this wasn’t acceptable.  He was taken to the ER, and was sent home with information about Pancreatic Cancer.  My mother fell apart.  His daughters fell apart.  His sisters fell apart.  He was sent to see a GI Specialist who ordered a biopsy, and it came back negative… no cancer.  But he didn’t trust it.  So he ordered another one, and sent my step-dad to see a Pancreatic specialist.  That specialist read the biopsy the same way… no cancer.  But there’s an autoimmune disease that mimicks Pancreatic Cancer symptoms.  Said he would run those tests.  Those came back negative.  Instead, they found Lymphoma.  Sent my step-dad to an Oncologist.  Oncologist says the sample isn’t good enough for him to confirm the diagnosis, or tell us what type of Lymphoma, or stage it.  Needs a PET scan and to consult with the Tumor Board.  PET scan comes back negative, thank god.  So the cancer (if it’s cancer) has not spread.  Oncologist warns that if the Tumor Board needs more tissue, the only way is to get it laproscopically.  Promised he would call Thursday after the meeting.

The doctor called this afternoon.  (You’re seeing this Friday, but I’m writing it Thursday.)

Confession .48. Don’t Get It Mixed Up, My Story’s Never Switched Up…

I’m doing me, don’t mind me
Only one time, I’ma tell you kindly
Please f— off, I don’t need you by me
But if you search then you know where to find me…

I’m going to keep doing me, whether you like me doing me, or whether you care about me doing me.  I’ve never wanted to be ‘that girl’ who spends all her time trying to be who everyone else wants her to be.

Unfortunately, I lost myself in that kind of girl for a time.  Or at least the kind of girl who was afraid to be herself because others might not like it – or outright don’t like it.

No more.

Confession .42. I Ask Myself What Am I Doing Here?

I hope you’ll understand that I’ll be here
Not there in the kitchen with the girl who’s always gossiping about her friends
So tell them I’ll be here…
Right next to the boy who’s throwing up cause he can’t take what’s in his cup no more
Oh God, why am I here?

Everwinter Is fictional but Inspired By The Abandoned Amusement Park In The Real World City Of Pripyat, it is only [the artist’s] vision and not an accurate representation of pripyat or the chernobyl disaster.

Below are the actual facts about pripyat and details about the 1986 chernobyl disaster [taken from the info notecard received upon entering Everwinter].