Posted in Dubai Event, Events, Kinky Event, Life, New Releases, Uber

Confession .269. For A Chance To Start Over And Rewrite An Ending Or Two For The Girl That I Knew…

Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a Man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck…
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day, til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine…

Finally back to myself a bit after an unexpected 5-day stint in the hospital, followed by some intense antibiotics at home.  i’m sorry it’s been awhile, but i’m going to work to play a bit of catch-up now that i can function even with the side effects.  (i’ll take dizziness and nausea from oral antibiotics over having to stay in the hospital on IV stuff, tbh.)

Before anyone asks, yes, this is on my list of things to dance eventually.  Lol.  Y/you already knew.  i wasn’t trying to get in my feelings with this song tonight – really, i wasn’t.  You can tell from the way the photo was uh… well, look it’s kinky as fuck.  Lol.  But then this song happened…

Continue reading “Confession .269. For A Chance To Start Over And Rewrite An Ending Or Two For The Girl That I Knew…”

Posted in Events, Level Event, Life, New Releases

Confession .264. I Wish That You Could See The Pain That I’ve Seen…

i’m trying my best, i’m trying my best to be ok
i’m trying my best, but every day it’s so hard
i’m holding my breath
i’m holding my breath til i can say all of the words i want to say
From my heart…

Confession .264.  I Wish That You Could See The Pain That I've Seen...

There isn’t a lot that i get to say about this.  There isn’t a lot that it would even be my place to say.  But i do have a few things…

Continue reading “Confession .264. I Wish That You Could See The Pain That I’ve Seen…”

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Lately I Been, I Been Losing Sleep (POE Preview Post #1!)

Counting Stars(Lately I been, I been prayin’ hard…)

God it’s good to be back.

For those who were not aware, I’ve been moving for most of November… it’s been an insane process, packing everything I own and moving roughly 700 miles away from the only state I’ve ever lived in.  The positive points of this are that I’m close to my grandparents for the first time in a long time.  (They used to spend summers up in Indiana, but stopped doing that a couple years ago.)  ALSO, I just moved from Indiana to Alabama… I can say GOODBYE to snow and sub-zero weather.  Believe it or not, it does still get kinda cold here… the 40’s and the 50’s do exist down here.  But this waking up with it being 25 below 0 trying to scrape frozen ice off my car in the snow… NO MORE!

Thank god.  I will miss the IDEA of snow, but I will certainly not miss dealing with it.

Thank you to those of you who have been bearing with me in my various stages of having no internet, crappy internet… no computer… a crappy laptop… and now finally being back to normal.  Your patience means the world to me.  A rather giant middle finger in the air to those of you who seem to forget that RL ALWAYS COMES FIRST.  Your lack of patience and understand has earned you nothing but a ‘fuck you’ and a sad shake of the head, to allow yourself to get so wrapped up in a program to actually think YOU should be more important to me than getting my real life sorted.

Nice try.

Counting Stars(Everything that kills me makes me feel alive…)

I’ll have some fantastic stories about my moving experience in further blog posts… promise.  Including first impressions of a Northern implant in the South… where grammar doesn’t really exist, no one uses turn signals, and most non-chain-corporation businesses SHUT DOWN for lunch hour.

One of the first things I came back  online to were announcements about the Peace on Earth 6 Hunt.  I’m SO excited to have been chosen as an Official POE6 Blogger, and then later to have been allowed the privilege of being Sequoia’s Personal Assistant.  The blogger platform opened today for those of us to grab our items to start blogging, and the MOMENT I saw the ad picture for this dress on the box, I KNEW it was going to be the first piece I was going to blog.  This is Romance Couture’s gown for the hunt… and dammit it’s GORGEOUS.  The jewelry I chose to go with it… Vintage Jewels is my new LOVE.  They are a sponsor for my upcoming graduation show for Mimmi Boa, and I loved the Valentine set in Ruby and Gold that I’m wearing for that show that I went and bought it in Platinum and Sapphire, specifically for this post.

I communicate heavily in music, especially when words fail me, and this gown reminded me of a song I’ve been listening to a lot lately (especially since it plays a lot on one of the only decent radio stations I’ve found down here so far), so I linked it below for you.  It helps that the song is called “Counting Stars” and the gown is the “Starlight” gown… but there’s a lot of awesome lyrics in there… like the following line:

“I feel somethin’ so right doin’ the wrong thing; I feel somethin’ so wrong doin’ the right thing…”

Story of my life. Please and thank you.

Counting Stars(Young, but I’m not that bold… and I don’t think the world is sold on  just doin’ what we’re told…)

Another rather appropriate line: “Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly.”  I feel like this describes my life right where it is at the moment.

I mean… I’m a stubborn pain in the ass.  I’m pretty sure that much is obvious to anyone who’s known me for any great length of time.  But the thing about being an extremely stubborn and determined person means that when you try to keep me down, I’m just going to fight like hell to get back up.  I lost that side of me for awhile… I really did… and it feels so good to sorta be gaining my fight back, so to speak.

I probably should’ve realized that something about me was different back in September, when I did my live audition for Miss Virtual World.  There were A LOT of amazing girls there.  And there were so few spots left.  I knew I had done everything I could possibly do this year to try and earn my spot among the Misses.  Did I get that spot?  No, not this year.  However, I could honestly walk away knowing there was NOTHING else I could do, no better effort I could’ve made.  I should’ve felt amazing.  But I didn’t.  I was SO down on myself.  Looking back on it… it was kinda pathetic.  And I apologize if any of you were subjecting to my emo moment. *Chuckles*

It wasn’t really until this past Sunday that things clicked with me. I just recently did my first show with Opium Evolution, and in the Skype call with Anastacia Markova (Agency owner and CEO) and a few others afterwards, we were talking about beauty pageants.  And the more Ana said that so many of these girls define their worth as a model by how well they do in these contests… the more I realized I’d become that person, even if temporarily, during MVW.  It was kinda the kick in the ass I needed.  (Thanks, Ana.)

Slowly but surely, I’m regaining my fight.  I will be back to the same old stubborn pain in the ass you’re all used to before you know it.

Better look out.  😛

POE6 POSTER Image(The gown I’m wearing will be available as a part of the Peace On Earth hunt, beginning December 1st, 2013!)

*~* Lately I Been, I Been Losing Sleep *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Cleo (Arctic; Clean version) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Lovers eye (Baby Blue) – theSkinnery  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Hair: Diavolo (Silver) – Vanity Hair  *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Eyeliner: Liner Pack 1 (Liner 3 thin) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Blush: Starry Starry Night (Blush Only layer) – Madrid Solo
Lipstick: Totemic (Lips Only layer) – Madrid Solo
Gown: Starlight Gown – Romance Couture (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs to all POE stores) *~*partial rigged mesh*~*
Floating Stars Headpiece: Starlight Gown – Romance Couture (see Hunter’s Guide for SLURLs to all POE stores)
Heels (not seen): Grace Sandals (Mirror) – Gos Boutique  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant I) – Slink  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Nails Applier: French Manicure Pastels Set – Nailed It (slink applier HUD & mesh nail capability!)
Choker/Necklace: Valentine Necklace (Platinum & Sapphire) – Vintage Jewels
Earrings: Valentine Earrings (Platinum & Sapphire) – Vintage Jewels
Bracelet: Valentine Bracelet (Platinum & Sapphire) – Vintage Jewels
Ring: Valentine Ring (Platinum & Sapphire) – Vintage Jewels
Monroe Piercing: Diamond Monroe Piercing – envi
ose: from the Diosaharu Set – *PosESioN*

Blogging Tune: 

Posted in Uncategorized

I Done Made the Devil a Deal…

Hell On Heels(He made me pretty; he made me smart… I’m gonna break me a million hearts…)

I’m really irked by the lengths some people will go to for money.

(Yes, I know I promised I’d explain why I’ve been gone so long.  Bear with me for one more post… this subject just kinda came up tonight.)

Ok, well, not necessarily the LENGTHS, per se… but that the things people will give up for money.  I mean, we all know things about the casting couch in the movie/theatre industry where people will do some pretty depraved sexual things for a part in a film or a play… however, this isn’t what I’m talking about.  However… apparently… people would be willing to forsake what their loved ones feel and value for the sake of money.  To me, this is wrong.

Please correct me if I’m wrong… but when you tell someone that you love them, and that you value them, then you actually value them.  You value their thoughts and opinions… and you respect that there are things that hurt them… things that upset them… things that make them angry.  You accept these things.  And while one person should never aim to make an individual choose sides in a fight between them and a mutual friend… you would think that they would at least respect the hurt person enough to not put them in awkward or uncomfortable situations.  You would think that certain things would be avoided.  You would think.  Correct me if I’m wrong.

Hell On Heels(I done made the Devil a deal…)

Please correct me if I’m wrong… but when you tell someone that you love them, and that you value them, then you actually value them.  When you have a conversation with them in which that person tells you, “If such and such happens, it would really hurt me greatly…” or “Honestly, if that happens, it would devastate me…” or “I don’t think I could handle it if you did that…” that these things would actually matter to you.  You would think that because you love and care about and value this person, that you wouldn’t want to hurt them.  That their feelings would mean something to you.  You’d think.  Correct me if I’m wrong.

Please correct me if I’m wrong… but when you tell someone that you love them, and that you value them, then you actually value them.  And that value transcends money.  You’d think that no matter if there was money involved or not, you’d be able to respect the feelings of the one you love and value… because you love and value them.  You’d think.  Correct me if I’m wrong.

However, it seems that to some… money means more to them than love.

And that really breaks my heart.

Hell On Heels(I’m hell on heels, say what you will…)

*~* I Done Made the Devil a Deal… *~*

Shape: MINE!  Muahaha!
Skin: Asia Skin Ginger Edition (Pale) – Izzie’s
Eyes: Lovers eye (Jade) – [theSkinnery]  (MESH)
Hair: Morgan (Rouge) – Wasabi Pills  (MESH)
Eyeliner: Asia Eyeliner (Silver) – Izzie’s  (comes with Asia Skin)
Eyeshadow: Asia Eyeshadow (Smokey) – Izzie’s  (comes with Asia Skin)
Eyelashes: Flirty Lashes – DAMNED Bodyshop
Blush: Blush Pink Light – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipgloss: Dailyn Lipgloss (Dark Cherry) – Izzie’s  (sold separately from skin)
Shirt: Euphoria Top (Black) – KL Couture
Jacket: Freydis Fur Jacket (Red) – KL Couture
Pants: Snake Skin Pants (Black) – KL Couture  (MESH)
Shoes: Grace Sandal (Black Patent) – [Gos] Boutique  (MESH)
Necklace: Pearl Rain Necklace (Onyx) – Mandala
Earrings: Pearl Earring (Onyx) – Mandala
Nails: Takara Nail (Silver) – Mandala
Poses: Morphine

Blogging Tune:

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You’re Gonna Hear Me Roar…

I can honestly look back with no regrets…)

Oh hey, I’m back.  More on that in my next post, promise.

Yesterday was a very important day for me, I will openly admit.  And when I say important…. you know when you’re trying to lose weight and you’re, like, 5 pounds from your goal weight… and in the beginning it was REALLY easy to lose “just” 5 pounds… but those last 5 just seem to not want to come off… at all.  So you work damn hard every week, and the day you step on the scale is like showing up at the Oscar’s to see if you’ve won?  Lol.  Yeah.  That was my day yesterday.

I might not be as “seasoned” of a model as some of you… and I know that makes some of you angry.  I would apologize for that, but what would I be apologizing for?  Learning quickly?  Styling well (for the most part)?  But anyway, I’m not as seasoned a model as some.  I’ve only really officially been going at this since November or December of 2012… so not even a year yet.  But what was the one thing that I had been hearing about since even before I really started modeling?

Miss Virtual World.

See, I started dancing with a dance troupe that performs at Miss Virtual.  So when I joined them, it was talked about a lot.  I had to be the noob to ask, “What’s Miss Virtual?” and from there is where I did my own research.  I watched the videos of the finals… I looked around at the girls that had been in it in the past.  It was like a modern day beauty pageant.  (P.S. I really wished there was a talent portion!  I remember thinking that from day one.)  And so I had a goal for modeling.


Now… before you draw conclusions.  My goal was NOT to win Miss Virtual World… it wasn’t “to become the next Miss Virtual World” or anything of that nature.  I just wanted the opportunity to compete.  That was my goal.  To make it as a candidate for Miss Virtual World.  I even had two countries in mind.  And they weren’t based on, “Ooo I’ve seen girls from this country win,” or “Ooo, there are famous people from this country!”  One is my home country, USA, and I was thinking about it because of Michela Benazzi, former Miss Metaverse.  I would like to think of her and I as close.  And even if we’re not close as friends, per se, she has never once hesitated to help me when I needed it.  THAT is what I think being a model is about… helping others.  I know plenty of models that would be like, “No, you’re going for the same casting I am. I’m not helping you.  That’s ‘helping the competition.’  You’re on your own.”  Michela’s willingness to help made me want to represent the same country that she did when she was in MVW.

But I knew that USA was a popular country and was probably already taken… so I did have a second one in mind, even if I figured it was already taken as well.  I’m not sure how many of you know Sessie, but I didn’t know a lick about her until competing in Miss Metaverse.  The more I saw of her, the more honor and integrity I saw in her, the more I looked to her as THIS, THIS kind of person, should be the face of what a model in Second Life is.  There are plenty of people in SL, not necessarily models, but people in general, that get to where they are through friendships and through other underhanded ways.  But Sessie?  I’ve watched Sessie work her ass off to get any opportunity she’s ever been given.  And even if something seems to have just “fallen in her lap”, so to speak, she’s worked damn hard as a model to even be noticed for an opportunity like that.  She is the kind of model that I want to be.  Period.  Even when I have nothing else to my name, and my name means nothing, I will still have my honor and my integrity.  That is important to me.  Sessie’s example is important to me.  And so I had been thinking about choosing Ireland, and trying to carry that honor and integrity through the country she represented when she had her time with MVW.

Anyway, so I’d started submitting a photo back in May, when we were first allowed.  And looking back on that May photo now… god, it was hideous!  Lol.  I was on such an Avant Garde kick back then… and while Avant Garde is nice, it has it’s place, and it’s still one of my favourite stylings… it’s not exactly “modern, beautiful, chic supermodel” material.  So I fully understood not getting chosen in May.  Then it was June.  The wonderful Fuzz Lennie had done a picture for me, and she knew I was entering it in MVW, so she tried to cater to the style of photo they normally appreciated.  I was still blonde at this point… as I had been told at one point that the dark skin I used to wear would never get me anywhere… and then I had been told my red hair would never get me anywhere… and it was so early in my modeling career that I was dumb enough to believe them and change.  So I was still pale and blonde at this point.  When the photo wasn’t chosen, admittedly, I was shocked.  Yes, there were MANY entries and not all of them could be chosen to walk, I understood.  Fuzz was a bit surprised too, as were a few others who’d seen the website of entries that showed my photo along with everyone else’s.  I almost gave up after June.  But Steele kicked me in the ass and told me not to.  So I didn’t.

July was another picture that I’d done myself, and frankly it was because I’d lost track of time and had not had time to ask Fuzz or anyone else for another one.  I had finally resolved, “Fuck it,” and gone back to my red hair.  A redhead is who I am.  And I was determined to be that way in MVW if I made it.  However, the picture didn’t turn out quite how I wanted it to.  And I admit it just looked… awkward… when up there.  Reducing it to 1024 x 1024 squished my face in a weird way… but then again, I saw some “not so savory faces” amongst models on an everyday basis anyway… so I was hoping the uniqueness of the styling might pull me through.  No such luck.  August’s photo was my last chance, and I went to Madrid Solo.  The poor thing… about a half hour before our appointment, I’d gotten a very bad phone call in RL that I didn’t tell her about, because I didn’t want her to reschedule the appointment for later in the month and then find her rushing to get it done.  However, my inability to effectively communicate because of that phone call started to come out, and I broke down and told her. I apologized.  I just hadn’t wanted pity.  She understood what it was I wanted for the photo, took it, sent it to me when she was done editing and it was STUNNING.  It was probably one of my favourite pictures that has ever been done of me.  I loved it.  And it even got me an audition.

Image(No, this isn’t the headshot she did… it’s the headshot of my gown for auditions.  :-D)

Here’s the suck-ish part of only getting to walk in the September auditions.  It’s your first and last shot.  And because it’s the last shot, everyone and their brother who’s ever been chosen to walk wants to come and try one last time.  For 14 of us, it was our first opportunity.  2 of those 14 made candidacy, and I congratulate them.  They brought it in whatever way the judges were looking for.  And it’s not like it was any huge failure to not make it through… there were 40 some-odd of us walking for 7 spots… many weren’t going to make it through.  When I wasn’t one of the 7, did I cry?  I will admit, yes, I had a good cry.  Just like that person on the scale… who’s been working so hard to lose those last 5 pounds, and she steps on the scale only to find out, yet again, that she hadn’t worked hard enough, or she hadn’t worked the right way, to achieve her end goal.  I felt like a joke for even having the hope that I might’ve been chosen out of all those models.  Who was I kidding, right?

But then, I went to a meeting on another sim with a completely different group of people… a group of people that has always loved and embraced me like family, even  in those times when I have let them down or in those times that I’ve felt like a failure… they’ve always been there to just smile and me and make some corny joke to make me laugh.  Or, in the case of yesterday, have a grand old chuckle at my expense after the meeting because I have no voice as of late.  It was just an all around good time.  And I was forced to remember the things about myself that I’d taken off my profile… yet again… in hopes that it was those small things about my PERSONAL relationship that I CHOOSE to lead that may have kept me out of an audition and out of candidacy… I was forced to remember that once more I was hiding a piece of myself in this community… and yet, here I was, surrounded by a different community of people that has always loved and accepted all of me, flaws and all.

It definitely made me feel better.  Did it make me consider giving up modeling as heavily as it did the last time I was faced with this realization?  No.  Whether some of you like it or not, I’m going to keep modeling.  I’m going to keep trying.  And I’m going to keep working as hard as I’m working… and maybe someday, someday… that effort will be seen and appreciated for what it’s worth.  A few people have seen it and have seen me… people like Sessie and Michela… Lexie… Steele.  These people that kick my ass on a regular basis and push me to do better and not give up just because I feel like I’ll never have a fair shot because I’m so new or because I’m not well-known… those people are what give me hope that some day more people will see something in me that they like.

That will be a good day.


*~* You’re Gonna Hear Me Roar… *~*

Shape: MINE!  Muahaha!
Skin: Asia Skin Ginger Edition (Pale) – Izzie’s
Eyes: Lovers Eyes (Jade) – [theSkinnery]  (MESH)
Hair: Lika Updo (Dark Pink) – Miamai Marketplace
Eyeliner: Liner 3 // Thin – DAMNED Bodyshop
Eyeshadow: Holly Eyeshadow Gold – Izzie’s (from Holly skin in Fair)
Eyelashes: Flirty Lashes – DAMNED Bodyshop
Blush: Blush Pink Light – DAMNED Bodyshop
Gown (Body & Gloves): Falbala Gown in Sapphire – PurpleMoon Creations
Gown (Skirt): Kiana Bridal Gown (Recolored Blue) – Gizza
Shoes: Grace Sandal (Gold) – [Gos] Boutique  (MESH)
Necklace: Lotus Necklace/Chain (Fall Gold) – Mandala
Headpiece: Lotus Head Corsage (Fall Gold) – Mandala
Poses: Morphine & IsoMotion

Blogging Tune: