Posted in Events, Life, New Releases, Skin Fair

Confession .05. I Drive My Grandmother’s Car

I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up every back road in this town
I find a field, tear it up
Til all the pain’s a cloud of dust
Yeah, sometimes I drive your truck…

I Drive Your Truck

“Mama asked me this morning if I’d been by your grave.  But that flag and stone ain’t where I feel you, anyway…”

Something about being in this peaceful sim in a pretty new dress with some hair reminiscent of the ‘old Tivi’ just made me smile and get a bit nostalgic today.  I am blessed to have the sponsors that I have, and while I don’t do this often, I’d like to personally thank Mami Jewell of -AZUL- and Casandra Rain of enVOGUE for unknowingly giving me the excuse to have a rather bittersweet, tender kind of past few hours while editing these pictures and reflecting while I listen to this song and write.  It was sad, but it was a heart-warming kind of sad… if that makes sense.

Continue reading “Confession .05. I Drive My Grandmother’s Car”

Posted in Events, Jewelry & Accessory Expo, Life, New Releases

Confession .03. My Mood Is Fickle

You fascinated me, cloaked in shadows and secrecy
The beauty of a broken angel
I ventured carefully, afraid of what You thought I’d be
But pretty soon I was entangled…

Warrior

“Teach me how to fight, I’ll show you how to win.  You’re my mortal flaw, and I’m Your favorite sin.  Let me feel the sting, the pain, the burn under my skin.”

So.  I took these pictures yesterday and then kinda lost the motivation to actually WRITE a post for them, so I sat on them for a day.  Sorry about that.  However, it means that I can ironically announce and thank a new sponsor in a post that actually features them, so that coincidence totally works out, right?

Continue reading “Confession .03. My Mood Is Fickle”

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This Goes Out To The Heaviest Heart…

To everyone who’s hit their limit, it’s not over yet
Even when you think you’re finished, it’s not over yet
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark, into the light, it’s not over
Hope is rising
Never give in, never give up, it’s not over!

ItsNotOverYet1FINAL

“Game, set, match.  Time to put it in your past.  Feel the winter leavin’, it’s redemption season!  Long live the young at heart.  Cheers to a brand new start!  We’re revived and breathin’ to live a life of freedom!”

Lyric overload today.  But I positively adore this song lately.  One of my ‘favorites of the moment’, religious song or not.  I would heavily encourage you to scroll down to the bottom of this post at some point where the video is embedded and listen to the whole thing at least once.

However, I’m not responsible if it ends up stuck in your head, or on repeat for the next week.  ❤

Anyway… this song very much speaks to me on a profound level, in regards to both RL and SL.  It’s no secret to most of you who care enough to have noticed that I’ve not logged in much over the last month.  Most of that was health-related, I will admit, and I’m doing much better… and have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to make sure everything is smoothed over and I’m recovering how I should be.

However, health issues aside, some of it… I just hit that limit where I was either stressed out or frustrated with everything I tried to do… and none of it was inspiring anymore.  Logging in began to feel more like a chore than it did a pleasure.  And one thing Gen has always told me from pretty much the day we started talking more often was that things in your life should be there to enhance it in a positive way… and that’s the only reason they should be there.  It got to the point to where SL and the people in it were no longer enhancing my life in a positive way… but in fact, they were becoming detrimental to me, and hurtful most of all.

Slowly I’ve creeped back in here in the last week or so… testing the waters and seeing if it feels ok to stay again.  The act of logging in no longer throws me into a panic attack or makes me angry… so that’s a step in the right direction.  But I’d be lying if I said there weren’t some people in particular that set off that side of me when I think about, look at, or speak to them.  And right now, my body physically cannot handle the stress of the anxiety that these particular people induce.  So if you ever see me randomly pop offline unexpectedly, especially mid-conversation, I promise I’m not trying to be a bitch… it’s that I’ve been triggered and have probably ducked out to hide for a bit to keep myself in check, for the sake of my health.

If you /are/ one of these people, trust me, you either already know, or I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.

But in my last week or so in I’ve just been trying to focus on a couple of things that I used to find passion and enjoyment in… and this seems to be working.  I sent in a casting for one of my favorite stores, that allowed me to style something completely fun and funky with a lot of bright colors from one of the most amazing palettes I saw come out of the Autumn collections in SL this year.  And I’ve been poking around with an event idea.  And if you read the last post, then you know that I went out and impulse-bought a L$2,500 gift card to Truth Hair to giveaway to those of you who are here and read me and have just generally been there and not been a nuisance to the grid… lol.  Because I appreciate you all, and I actually was able this year to finally do something to show that.

And then today, I ran across a post on Facebook and I HAD to run IMMEDIATELY and pick up this gown.  One of the other things that’s kept me calm lately is just dressing however I damn well please.  For about a week I rocked a look that I classified to Gen as “hobo chic” with my tied top, jeans, beanie hair, complete with high heels.  (Trekking through the snow as we explored a few sims, mind you.  Beastmode Princess.)  But if you know me at all, you know I occasionally get a wild inspiration that says I MUST look pretty today, even if I’m not going to a formal any time soon.  And that is where this gown is so amazing.

I am in love.  So in love.  And if I didn’t have to change clothes for a commitment tomorrow, then I would likely be in this gown for a week.  LOL.

Merry Christmas, if I don’t see you before then, aside from to annouce the winner of the gift card giveaway.  Which, btw, ends TOMORROW NIGHT at 10pm SLT.  Click HERE for the post with terms and instructions and the link to Rafflecopter giveaway page where I’m running it.

ItsNotOverYet2FINAL

*~* This Goes Out To The Heaviest Heart… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || Alterego
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Patricia (Dark Greys) || enVOGUE || **recent release**
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom (formerly Milk)
Lipstick: Essential Lipstick Red (Matte; Deep) || Pink Fuel
Gown: Golden Leaf (Red) || Kelini Haute Couture || **recent release**
Jewelry Set: Lasya Complete Set || Lazuri
* Comes with Forehead Jewel, Earrings, Necklace, Upper Arm Bracelets, Bracelets, Anklets, Belly Jewel, Rings

Pose (photo 1): Cute 5 Mirror || Vitalis Animatum || **recent release**
Pose (photo 2): Aphrodita 7 || Posesion Poses

Backdrop: 1 Derb Assehbe. Marrakech || Common Gacha Item || Rowne || Dec. Arcade

Blogging Tune: “It’s Not Over Yet” – For King and Country

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Find Light In the Beautiful Sea…

You’re a shooting star, I see
A vision of ecstasy
When you hold me, I’m alive
We’re like Diamonds in the sky

Diamonds2FINAL

“I knew that we’d become one right away.”

Alright.  If you know me, you know I don’t do pomp and circumstance too often.  I’m an agoraphobic in RL, I don’t like situations I can’t easily escape, and with my anxiety I am constantly thinking about everything that can go wrong and every situation I cannot escape from.  I don’t like large crowds.  I’m that person that sits in the corner of the restaurant with my back to a wall so I can see and analyze everything that’s going on.

That is my life.

However, today I did something in SL that was entirely different for me… and I had the time of my life.  Eleseren Brianna, the reigning Miss Virtual World 2015 organized, along with the wonderful staff of The Rose Theater Ballroom, a ball in honor of the 2016 MVW Misses.  We got to dress up in gowns and jewels, put men into suits (or women into gowns) and drag them along, and just have fun and actually breathe and allow it to register… we are Misses.

It was a large crowd.  A very large crowd.  I believe the sim crashed once.  Individuals were crashing left and right.  The lag was present and everyone was dealing with it.  But between the gorgeous voice of Lisa Bruun and the DJ skills of Mex Thorn, three hours came and went rather quickly.

And Chimera, who graciously donned a suit and agreed to accompany me, proceeded to thoroughly embarrass me (in a good way?) by having Mex play a song for me in front of a sim full of people.  I had to re-teach myself to breathe, but I don’t think he noticed.  *Grins*

All in all, I had so much fun.  It was nice to just sort of let being here at this point in my journey truly sink in.  A goal of 3 years has been realized, and it is everything I thought it would be and more.  It’s pushed me, challenged me, and made me grow as a model, a stylist, and a person.  I adore it, and I thoroughly look forward to the next few challenges.

Basically, I had a great time, I got to look pretty, and I got to dance with someone who was pretty amazing, and listen to him sing in my ear.

Diamonds1FINAL

*~* Find Light In The Beautiful Sea… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Yolandi (Artic Tone; Makeup Option 04) || Glam Affair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) || IKON
Hair: Alice (Light Blondes) || enVOGUE
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Falling Leaves French (Option 6) || ZOZ || Cosmopolitan
Eyeliner: U-Color-It Bold Liner (Thin Set; Manually tinted to match) || Madrid Solo
Gown: Tomoe-San (Blue) || Junbug
Crown: Official Crown MISS VIRTUAL WORLD ICELAND || Made by Delypop Cresci
Jewelry Set: Ursula Jewelry Set (Manually Tinted) || Virtual Impressions

Pose: Pure Gold 4 || PosESioN

Location: The Rose Theatre Ballroom

Blogging Tune: “Diamonds” – Rihanna

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What Comes Next Is Another Long Goodbye…

You caught me on the way down
Please hold my hand before I drown
Tie my hands before I burn this town…

Down2FINAL

This is going to come across as incredibly bi-polar to the happiness that I spoke about in my last post.  For this, I apologize.  Let it just serve as a reminder that everything can always change in the drop of a hat.  People can always fail you.  And 90% of the time, they probably will.

He promised me that I was home.

Maybe I’m mistaken, but home implies a sense of safety and security.  A sense of “This is your place.  You are cared for here.  You are loved.”  I cannot say with any kind of certainty if after today, this environment would still provide that same feeling.  As a matter of fact, her track record proves that it would not stay that way.  Her track record proves that she has a way of making Him give up every one and everything that is not her and what she wants.  Her track record includes Him ending His REAL LIFE relationship because of a tantrum that she threw about how she couldn’t stay if He stayed with His RL.  This is her track record.  And yet, He has now taken her back.

He promised me that I was His.

Maybe I’m mistaken, but in order for me to be His slave, He has to be my Master.  And maybe I’m mistaken, but in my world, a Master is an Honorable Man.  A Master is honest and trustworthy.  He runs His House with dignity and integrity and is an Example that other Men aspire to follow.  Maybe I’m mistaken, but in my world a Master would not make a promise if He did not fully intend to keep it.  If He could not keep it, He would say so.  If He needed time to think before making the commitment that a Promise brings, He would say so.  This is what a Master is.  This is what I thought my Master was.  And yet, He has broken His promise to me.  He has taken her back.

He promised me that He was done.

Maybe I’m mistaken, but done implies finished.  Being ‘done’ implies that He saw the things that EVERYONE had been showing Him for MONTHS that she had been doing.  Being ‘done’ implies that He separates Himself from that because He sees how much it hurt everyone involved.  Being ‘done’ implies that He looked at the proof that she was SPYING ON EVERYONE ON THE SIM just to make sure that He was not spending time with His RL after she made Him dump her.  Being ‘done’ implies being beyond it. Moving forward.  Pushing past it, picking ourselves up and trying to piece our lives back together from the destruction she left in her wake.  And yet, He has taken her back.

He promised me.

Maybe I’m mistaken, but promises aren’t made lightly.  They are not made to be broken.  They are not bandaids that are put in place to fix problems, only to repeat the same mistakes and make more promises.  Maybe I’m mistaken, but in my world… where I’m so used to people, especially Men, breaking promises to me… in my world, for me to trust You enough to believe Your promise?  That is sacred.  Promises are sacred.  And they are made only after careful consideration that one has the ability to live up to that promise.  And yet He has broken His promises to me.  He has taken her back.

He promised.

Down3FINAL

I’m so used to people failing me.  But He promised this was different.  And for some reason, I believed Him.  For some reason, even though every past experience I’ve ever had was screaming at me in a resounding “NO!  DON’T DO IT!” I still believed Him.  I believed that He could care enough about me to make that promise and truly want to keep it.  I believed that He felt all the things that He said He did.

I believed Him when He told me He wanted to Own me… even when He already Owned her and I knew it would never work.  I knew her track record.  I knew what she did and how she was.  I knew all these things.

And deep down, I think I even knew that He would take her back.

But the ironic part of all of this?  Last night He sat with me, He held me in His arms against His chest while I straddled His lap on the couch in our home – and I have to scoff and the tears start all over again at the words ‘our home’ – He held me against Him and He assured me that I was His.  That I was home.  I danced before Him yesterday and told Him how much joy I found in His steel.  In the little family that had been created between Himself, me, and His RL.  I reached into the depths of my soul and told Him how I finally felt I’d found the ‘me’ that I’d lost so long ago.

I found the slave I’d always wanted to be.

And He held me in His arms and told me I was His.

He told me just last night that I am an amazing person.  And that He is so glad that I am His.  I know He said it and it wasn’t just my imagination like I’d originally thought, because I can scroll back in our conversation – and find myself doing it now just to burst into tears all over again – I can scroll back and find it now.  I can re-read those words and remember how happy they made me feel.  I was happy.  I was loved.  I was His.  And I was Home.

But home doesn’t include someone like her.  Family doesn’t include someone like her.  I can’t be His while she is there because, let’s face it, she won’t allow it and we all know His track record when it comes to her throwing a fit.  Just like a child, she will ultimately get what she screams for.  And where does that leave me?

In tears staring at the broken collar and dwelling on all the broken promises while those people who actually do care about me try their best to keep the knife out of my hand.  That’s where it leaves me.

He promised me that I was home.  He promised me that I was His.  He promised me that He was done.  He promised me.

He promised.

And He lied.

Down1FINAL

*~* What Comes Next Is Another Long Goodbye… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Amberly (Lovely Day; Asia Tone; Makeup Option 1) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Inna (Light Reds) – enVOGUE
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: French Manicure Dark Set – Nailed It
Eye Liner: London Liner (Aqua) – Madrid Solo
Lipstick: London Liner (Silver Lips) – Madrid Solo
Dress/Hair & Wrist Flowers: Sophie – Azul  @ Fashion For Change
Heels: Aretha Heels (Brights Pack) – PurpleMoon  @ Fashion For Change
Piercing: Diamond Monroe Piercing – envi
Earrings/Necklace/Ring: Eva Luxury Set – Lazuri

Poses: various from PosESioN

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Down” – Anberlin

Posted in Uncategorized

Hope If Everybody Runs, You Choose To Stay…

I did it all!
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone
I swear, I lived!

ILived3FINAL

I promise you, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried…

Some of you know that I started a new job on the 6th, working in a call center about an hour from where I live.  So, because I live in one state and work in another, and work so far from home, it’s not like my training class is full of people that I know/have met.

That comes into play later in this story, I promise.

Some of you also know that I dislike dealing face to face with people.  Social anxiety takes over, the smallest things irritate me, and I become even more of a frigid bitch than I am normally.  (Shocker, I know!)  I can sit there and do customer service work over the phone all day long and never bat an eyelash, but being in the same room with all these clashing, strong personalities for 7 hours a day the last two days has been exhausting.

But yeah… back to my socially awkward in-person people skills.

Monday, we did a “Human Scavenger Hunt”, and I’m sure most of you have done one before, if you’ve ever been in a group situation that loved icebreakers.  We had a list of things… small, piddly things…. “wears glasses”, “is left handed”, etc etc.  And the goal was to walk around the room, get to know our class, and have someone sign something that fit them.  You could only sign someone’s paper once.  So, for example, I couldn’t sign under “wears glasses” AND “does volunteer work” on the same person’s paper.  It was meant as a “get to know you” thing.

Well someone in my class who seems about as socially awkward as I am sometimes, came up to me and the first words out of his mouth were, “I think I neeeeed you.”  (Remember, I type/spell how I – or, in this case, others – talk.)  Me trying to be smooth, or something even remotely resembling ‘cool’, responded with, “You neeeeed me, huh?  Whatchu need me for?”  We both laughed, I signed his paper for being left-handed (I’m ambidextrous), and i went on my way.

Then for the last two days, homeboy’s been staring at me.

And tonight… get this.  I live AN HOUR AWAY from where I work.  Homeboy FOLLOWED ME HOME tonight, got out his car when I got home, and said, “Girl, I just had to follow you home and let you know how into you I am.”

Um… I’m flattered, but you creepin’ me out.  Can you please leave?

Methinks it will be an early morning to hang out at the Orange Beach police department and figure out what can be done, protective order-wise, when I do have to work with him.

I promise there’s a point to this story.

ILived1FINAL

There are some women, in some countries, that don’t have the liberty that I do.  To be able to wake up in the morning, talk to my local police department, and have something done about this issue, no matter how small or isolated it may or may not do.

In fact, there are some women, in some countries, who would kill to trade places with me.  They only WISHED that having a mostly-sweet, semi-attractive man follow her home an hour from her workplace to tell her he was into her after knowing her less than 48 hours… they only WISHED that was the worst they had to deal with.

I’m lucky.  We’re lucky.  Those that have the ability and the means provided by our respective societies to take these matters into our own hands and have them dealt with appropriately.

Not all women have that.  And every woman deserves that choice.  That security.

Womankind Worldwide is a UK-based charity that does work internationally… working to give women a stronger voice in their own societies, fighting violence against them and girls, and working to generally promote women’s rights as a whole.  As a woman, even in a country that ultimately has a pretty strong women’s rights movement already, I feel we are all personally impacted in some way by the work that this charity does.  And it appears several people agree!

One of the most prominent is our current reigning Miss Virtual World, Eleseren Brianna.  This weekend opens her fundraiser, Fashion For Change, raising funds to support the amazing work of Womankind Worldwide.  Over the next several blog posts – now that my hard drive is reformatted and I have Photoshop back temporarily – I will be highlighting some wonderful creations by generous designers for this event.  I invite you to join us when the event opens this weekend, and consider providing support to women everywhere.  Womankind, Worldwide.  (As the aptly named charity states.)

ILived2FINAL

*~* Hope If Everybody Runs, You Choose To Stay *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Amberly Skin (Lovely Day; Asia Tone; Makeup Option 1) – Glam Affair  @ C88
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Nicole (Light Reds) – enVOGUE
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Monochrome Set (White) – Nailed It  @ On9
Lipstick: Glossy Pout (Hot Pink; Dark) – Pink Fuel
Top/Skirt: Lolita – Lyrical Bizarre Templates  @ Fashion For Change

Pose (pic 1): Pose 234 – slouch poses
Pose (pic 2): Golden 11 – PosESioN
Pose (pic 3): Oro 10 – PosESioN

Location: Home

Blogging Tune: “I Lived” – One Republic

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I’m Changing All of the Stations…

But I wonder, where were You
When I was at my worst, down on my knees
And You said You had my back
So I wonder where were You
When all the roads You took came back to me…

MapsMadilyn2FINAL

Alright.  Today, I’d like to talk about a concept that seems to elude some people in Relay Nation.  This is not a new problem that I’m observing this season… it’s been present, at least in some form of fashion from a few individuals, in the entirety of the 4 years I’ve been involved in RFL of SL.  (Also, I use ‘entirety of the 4 years’ not as some proclamation of accomplishment, that I’ve been involved for 4 years.  In fact, I wish I’d been involved for the other 3 years I’d been in SL and didn’t know RFL was here.  I use my 4 years in RFL of SL as a benchmark for how long I’ve observed some of these problems, and some of these egos.)

Let’s start with the first glaring problem that has been on everyone’s radar for the entirety of its existence: The Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back Top DJ Competition.

What was originally irksome to me, the first two years, just looking at it from the outside and not actually attending any of the rounds to see them… is that kiosks MUST be set to The Relay Rockers team.  Keep in mind, for those who don’t Relay, there are so many teams within Relay, and not all of the DJ’s that participate in the competition are from the Relay Rockers.  So while, in most any other event, a DJ would be allowed to set a kiosk to the team of his/her choice, during this particular ‘competition’, they are REQUIRED to set it to the Rockers.

And for awhile, I justified that in my head.  “Well, they are working hard to organize the event, so it makes sense that they benefit from it in some way.”  Though selfless acts do still exist in society, folks, I promise.  But I can see the justification behind wanting a bit to show for your efforts.  So I could get on board with that.  Though, of course, then I started thinking of ways to be fair to everyone involved.  Give the DJ’s the choice of who to set their kiosks too, but be sure that there is a Rockers kiosk nearby, that people should show their appreciation for the event in general.  It wouldn’t count towards the DJ’s total, but it would be a monetary way to say, “Hey, thank you for this event.  I appreciate the work you’ve done and want to help your team as well.”  The ways to be fair to both sides began to become clearer in my head… and the more I thought about it, the more the one-sidedness of the event began to irk me.  But I didn’t feel I had the ‘right’ to complain, because I had not attended any of the rounds to see how anything looked/was run.

Some of you who have been following my blog for awhile might’ve remembered another post I wrote about this competition as well, posted here, after last year’s ‘finale’.  I’ll get to that.

Last season, dual-team kiosks came out, and I was SUPER excited.  Because, in my mind, it fixed the biggest issue I had with this competition.  Dual-team kiosks allow you to do what their name says: set a donation kiosk to benefit 2 teams.  Donation amounts are split equally.  If I have a dual team kiosk set up between Hands, Hearts, Hope and the Goreans (like I did for a dance event I hosted last year), and a L$200 donation comes in, then L$100 is credited to Hands, Hearts, Hope, and L$100 is credited to the Goreans.  In the event of odd numbers, the kiosk alternates who gets the extra linden.  So the first time a L$25 donation comes in, Hands, Hearts, Hope would get L$12 and the Goreans would get L$13… and if another L$25 donation came in, then Hands, Hearts, Hope would get L$13 and the Goreans would get L$12.  They are scripted to be as fair as possible to both participating teams, no matter which is listed as ‘Team 1’ and which is ‘Team 2’.

To me, this solved the problem that I saw in the competition.  A DJ could set out a dual-team kiosk and half their donations would be credited to a team of their choice, if they happened to be representing another team, and half would go to the Rockers, the hosting team, to show appreciation for their efforts.  A god-send, right?  Yeah… it didn’t happen like that so much.

Last year, dual-team kiosks were not utilized… and that was an incredible disappointment.  As Tech, I was asked why they weren’t, and I couldn’t say.  I had no idea why a team would not utilize a tool that would make an event the caliber of the competition fair to all involved, and as all-inclusive as possible.  It was entirely beyond my scope of understanding, and I had to say the one thing I hate saying as Tech Support:  “I don’t know.”

MapsMadilyn1FINAL

The other part of what I saw last year that I could only see by actually BEING at the event… The Rockers seemed to have a very clear agenda in who they supported and promoted, and who they didn’t. Which, at first reading of that statement, one might think, “Well that’s perfectly normal.  They of course want to support their team members, like you would want to support yours.”  To a degree, that is true.  However, when it results in unequal promotion in neutral groups by the HOST team, a NEUTRAL party in all competing rounds… when mysterious anonymous challenges come in for certain DJ’s that they are attempting to push ahead of others… including several sudden and mysterious anonymous challenges in the finale round that resulted in a previous winner claiming the title again, over someone who had done nothing but DJ his heart out, who deserved it… it becomes an issue.  And an irksome one.

These mysterious challenges didn’t come in all the time.  They were busted out when it appeared that their ‘preferred’ people weren’t going to be able to raise the amount to move forward, or to, ultimately, win.  My response to that?  Gods, guys, who cares?  We’re raising money.  Sure, it’s a ‘comeptition’, but only because you advertise the event that way.  Who cares if one person raises L$400,000 and the person whom you want to win only raises L$300,000.  Sure, your ‘favorite’ didn’t win, but that’s STILL L$700,000 going to Relay for Life… all in the name of your team, I might add.  The underhanded tactics that seemed to be used to push particular people over others just further muddy the waters of the integrity of our Relay.  And when you mess with the integrity of Relay in SL as a WHOLE… THAT, I have a problem with.

Run your individual team events however you want to.  Use whatever promotional tactics you want to.  But when you are in the public eye with an event  like that… with so many people outside Relay being brought in to support their favorite DJ… and you give them THAT first impression of what our Relay is about?  Then I can’t keep quiet.  Then I have to stand up and say, “Dishonesty, deceit, and underhandedly tipping the scales ever in your favor to further your personal agenda is WRONG.”

To any who have been harmed by the running of this event… I can only apologize from relayers like myself… who sincerely hope that you will continue to Relay with us, regardless of that horrible first impression.  I spent many a night after last year’s finale worked up to tears… over how many relayers were lost… and how many future relayers were lost… because of how upset people have been.  When we have Captains on the verge of advising their team members not to enter this year because of how it’s been done in the past.  When we have Relayers who view it as not an event for Relay, but an event for that ONE particular team, to stroke egos and line kiosks… when it appears to have nothing to do with Relay or raising funds as ONE TEAM… it breaks my heart.  And I can’t sit back and let it happen anymore.

At least… I can’t sit back and let it happen anymore if I want to keep a clear conscience.

Despite the number of heartbreaking nights that I spent in tears trying to work it out in my head… trying to figure out a way to help assuage the hurt and the damage that has been done by this purely self-serving event… I still held out hope for this year.  That it might be different.  That peoples’ anger might speak to this team.  That dual-team kiosks might serve their purpose.  That the hosting team could remain a neutral party involved in logistics only.  And that personal agendas could be put on the back burner in favor of a ONE TEAM centric event to benefit RELAY FOR LIFE OF SECOND LIFE… not to benefit solely the Rockers.

Especially when we received word during the off-season that the dual-team kiosks were going to be allowed and utilized more this year.  I’m wiggling in my chair thinking, “Yes!  ONE TEAM!  GOOOOO RELAY!  It’s finally clicked in.”

And then I pull the notecard from the group one day, out of curiosity, and find the following line:

6. Competitors who are a registered member of a 2015 Relay For Life of Second Life Team MAY, at time of application, REQUEST a dual kiosk for their Preliminary round ONLY.+

*Sighs*  So it appears that everything we were told in the off-season were just to assuage anger and unruffle feathers that were APPROPRIATELY ruffled.  Telling us what we wanted to hear, so to speak, so that we wouldn’t continue to question and push the fair way to conduct such an event on those who are organizing this, now clearly, self-serving competition.  Notice the emphasis in this particular statement:  “REQUEST”… implying that such a request may or may not be granted at the discretion of the organizers.  “ONLY”… not implying, but outright stating that dual-team kiosks may not be used throughout the competition… to be fair to EVERYONE participating… but will only be used during the Preliminary round.  “Oh, you can represent your team during your preliminary round, but if you make it through, sorry, you have to do all your fundraising for us.”

Come on guys, where is ONE TEAM here?

And as if we need any further emphasis of the lack of ‘one team’ here, the statement is repeated further down the notecard:

****There will be no Dual Kiosks used during any final rounds****

My question to this?  Why not?  I mean, coming from Tech Support, there is positively no difference between how the original donation kiosks operate and how the dual-team kiosks operate, other than how I stated before: They equally split even donations between the two teams, and they alternate the extra linden back and forth between two teams for odd donations.  Other than that, there is fundamentally no difference between the two kiosks.  They even LOOK the same.  So why would dual-kiosks not be used during Quarterfinals, Semi-finals, and Finals rounds?

Think about it.  The final two DJ’s will DJ once during their preliminary round, once during quarter finals, once during semifinals, and once during finals.  You mean to tell me that if one of those DJs is from a team other than the Rockers, they can benefit their team ONE time out of the FOUR times they will DJ?  Where is the fairness in that?  Where is the ‘ONE TEAM’ in that?  Why would dual-team kiosks not be used throughout?

I just wanted to make it PERFECTLY clear, from the Tech side of things, my standpoint is that the failure to fully utilize dual-team kiosks throughout ALL rounds is completely absurd.  There is no fundamental reason why you wouldn’t, and why you shouldn’t, use dual-team kiosks for those DJ’s who may elect to do so for their team throughout the entirety of the competition: Preliminary, Quarterfinal, Semifinal, and Final rounds.  Kiosks fairly split donations evenly.  Kiosks continue to show the full kiosk total, so there are no math concerns.  Dual-team kiosks simply allow for a bit of a DJ’s hard-earned fundraising to benefit THEIR OWN team.  That is not too much to ask for.  In fact, that is something that should be joyfully accepted and accommodated.  Yet, for the Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back Top DJ Competition, and for the Relay Rockers, it’s not.

And that’s sad.

MapsMadilyn3FINAL

In other, more positive news, Skin fair opens TOMORROW, and this morning/afternoon I’m bringing you the new skin from 7 Deadly Skins in 2 of their tones.  The skin itself is called Temperance, and what REALLY sold me on this skin was the freckle details in the pictures I’ll show you below.  There are versions with and without Freckles that I was passed.  Though, in the pictures above, I wore my Slink Physique body (not my preference, but the skin didn’t have Maitreya appliers) and there is not, to my knowledge, in the pack I received, a body applier for the freckles.

As you’ll see in the picture below when I zoom in on the freckles, they do not stop at just the face.  I took my mesh body off to show the freckles that are on the body as well.  Mesh body appliers for the Slink Physique unfortunately do not have that option.  Though they DO have a cleavage and no cleavage option for the upper body, just like the base skins themselves do.

Temperance, by 7 Deadly Skins has appliers for the Slink Physique body (hands and feet appliers are included on the body hud, in separate buttons, so if you need only those appliers, that’s where you’ll find it) as well as appliers for Lola’s Tango breasts, in both cleavage and non-cleavage versions.  But, again, body freckles will not appear on Lola’s or Slink appliers.

Overall, I love the way this skin fits my face shape, and I’m a sucker for good freckles, so I may find myself wearing this around more often.  I can only hope that maybe if I bat my eyelashes enough, there might be Maitreya appliers in the future, and freckle body options!  ❤  (*Skin Fair SLURLs being withheld until the opening on the 13th, per the request of event organizers.*)

MapsMadilyn4FINAL

*~* I’m Changing All of the Stations… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin (blog pics): Temperance (Apricot; Freckles; Cleavage) – 7 Deadly Skins  @ Skin Fair
Skin (1st pallete): Temperance (tones labeled; no freckles) – 7 Deadly Skins  @ Skin Fair
Skin (2nd pallette): Temperance (tones labeled; freckles) – 7 Deadly Skins  @ Skin Fair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair (blog pics): Siren (Carrot Cakes Pack) – Lamb
Hair (pallete pics): Chloe (Light Reds) – enVOGUE
Body (1st pallete): Physique Mesh Body – Slink
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Top&Skirt (ONE PIECE): Ananda Outfit – League  @ Uber
Vest: Tarot Fur Vest (Sable) – Foxes  @ Uber
Lingerie (1st pallette): Default Lingerie included with Physique – Slink

Pose (blog pic 1): from Brevity set – oOo Studios
Pose (blog pic 2): Ottoman – oOo Studios  *past group gift; may be available still*
Poses (pallette pics): Framework – oOo Studios

Location (blog pics): Salt Water

Blogging Tune: “Maps” Maroon 5 Cover – Madilyn Bailey

Posted in Uncategorized

I Will Find My Strength To Untape My Mouth…

Cause I… I feel like I’m ready for love
And I… I want to be Your everything and more
I know every day I say it, but I just want You to be sure
That I am Yours

Yours2FINAL

I hate this.  (Not the outfit.  I LOVE that.  *Laughs*)

Regardless of all the anger, and all the negative things that I wrote in my last post… just a couple hours ago, if that… even in the face of all that negative shit, I don’t feel ‘done’.  Half the reason I even wrote that post in the first place was to REMIND myself of all the negative.  To remind myself that no matter how much I hurt right now that there was so much there that just… wasn’t right.  That I shouldn’t have been sitting around wondering if I get more than 2 minutes of His time that day.  That I shouldn’t have to wonder if when He SAYS He’s going to be somewhere, if He’ll actually show up.  That I shouldn’t have to fear pursuing things I want to do, and whether or not those things will make Him mad.

That I shouldn’t have to defend Him to almost everyone in my life.

That the fact that He is incredibly lackluster about dance isn’t going to help me grow.  That the fact that He’s not the biggest fan of my SL mom isn’t ok.  That the fact that He flies off the handle about every little thing that goes not the way he expected isn’t ok.  That I shouldn’t have to wonder who He’s being intimate with, if He won’t touch me.  That I shouldn’t have to feel second-rate in my own relationship.

It’s not me.  It’s Him.  I deserve better.  He’s too young to know what He wants and be satisfied with what He has.  He doesn’t have enough life experience to even understand what it means to be a Dominant and be One effectively.

I know all of these things.  I’ve been told all of these things in the last 48 hours.

But being in the hospital not once, but twice… I felt like something was missing.  When I started chemo again on Tuesday and I was scared out of my mind, and just felt like shit… I would open Skype on my phone and message Him.  Even if it was something as simple as, “I hate this.”  I still did.  And He always replied with something that forced me to see the positive side of it… and look forward to the long-term.

So when I was in the hospital Saturday and again on Sunday, it just… it was really empty.  Even if my mother was with me on Sunday.  It was still so empty.

Everything is so empty.

I’m sure this it the shit that gives me the reputation for being self-destructive.  And I likely should never follow my heart, because the fucking thing is entirely irrational and always gets me in trouble.

And I’m sure I’ll wind up hurt even more than I have been before.

But I guess that’s life.  I guess that’s the hand I’ve been dealt.  Because my everything is still His, even though He doesn’t want it.

I can’t seem to take it back.

Yours1FINAL

*~* I Will Find My Strength To Untape My Mouth… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Artemis (Asia Tone; Makeup Option 4) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Chloe (Light Reds) – enVOGUE
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v2.1) – Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Ombre Set (B&W) – Nailed It
Freckle/Blush: Lillith Fair (Freckle Blush Only) – Madrid Solo
Eyemakeup: Paris (Eyes Only) – MUA
Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks Red (Satin; Dark Tone) – Pink Fuel
Dress/Leggings: Crazy Valentina – Whimsical Imaginarium  @ The Instruments
Shoes: Fiocco Heels (Black; from Essentials Pack) – DE. Boutique
Earrings: Kirenna Fey Teardrops – Maxi Gossamer
Rings: Accessoires Rings (Black) – Formanails  **New Release!**
* These are sold separately in options for SL hand, Slink Elegant, Elegant-1, and Casual

Poses/Prop: Surface – oOo Studio  *Free Group Gift – 100L join fee*

Location: My home

Blogging Tune: “Yours” – Ella Henderson

Posted in Uncategorized

I Recommend Sticking Your Foot In Your Mouth At Any Time…

You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn…

YouLearn3FINAL

Ireland has always been a dream.  In both RL and SL.

In RL, my father’s side is mostly Irish.  It’s where the natural red pigment in my blonde hair comes from… where my temper (natural, non-bipolar induced) temper comes from… and the reason that no one believes me when I tell them I’m a lightweight and can’t hold my liquor.  My last name is an Irish one, even if it doesn’t appear to be at first… and that’s only because my family changed it when they came over here.

Apparently there was a time when Americans were prejudicial against Irish immigrating.  (Americans prejudicial against immigrants?  Never!  … Sorry…)

I remember back in high school, a girl I was in band with would go to Ireland once a year, every summer, to visit family that still lives there.  She’d come back and for a good few weeks afterwards, her accent was incredibly thick.  I remember being incredibly jealous that she got to over EVERY YEAR to the country I wanted to see just ONCE.

The difference being, I don’t know the first thing about how to find any of my family members there, if any of them are even still there somewhere.

In SL, my Irish dreams are more superficial in nature.

Saleena (Miss Virtual Ireland 2012) and more specifically Sessie (Miss Virtual Ireland 2013) are two women in fashion that I have looked up to considerably since I started.  Sessie and I got to be friends through the nightmare clusterfuck that was Miss Metaverse 2013, and ever since seeing the amazing women that have always seemed to be representing Ireland, it’s been my dream as well.

In 2014, I tried that… I tried my damnedest for MVW, and I fell short.  I no longer consider it a ‘failure’, as I did all I could do and tried the best that I could at the time.  It just wasn’t good enough, and that wasn’t my fault.  Shanty went on to be Ireland that year and became yet another name in my list of “Ireland reps” that I looked up to.  For MVW 2015, I wasn’t into the idea of auditioning… for reasons that you can read about in the last post I made.  With MVW dissolving into what it has under new ownership, I had pretty much resolved that my Ireland dreams had to dissolve with it.

YouLearn1FINAL

And then, as melodramatic as this sounds, some hope was found somewhere.  Lol.  Marcus announced Miss SL and I was super excited about it.

Not just about the possibility of my Ireland dreams being rekindled, but about the possibility of a modeling competition that just may have the fairness that is sought all over the grid and found NOWHERE.  (Well, except one place, but I’d rather not mention that particular pageant in such a negative post alongside names like MVW and Miss SL.)  Of course, I was warned.  Many times over.  By many different people.  Publicly and privately.  By people I knew and people I didn’t know.  People who were close to me and acquaintances.  Like… people came out of the WOODWORK to warn me about getting involved in this project in ANY way.

My IMs and notices cap regularly… but this was capping not only daily, but any time I would log out.

I took their opinions and filed them away, but I continued on anyway.  I have made the mistake in the past of judging people based solely on the opinions of others, believing that these people were trying to “save me the agony” of dealing with them, and have found that, in most cases, they are wrong, and I’d missed out on some pretty awesome people.  From then on, I vowed that I would only base my opinions on my personal experiences with individuals.

Of course, I should’ve remembered that Marcus is the same person who reclaimed sims in the middle of an event, autoreturning everyone’s items that were not in his group, and this ruining and dismantling my 300+ prim runway that had taken WEEKS to build, while I was putting it into a rez box.  (Granted, I can see the justification in his reasoning… HOWEVER, that is a runway that I STILL have not managed to piece back together from my lost and found folder.  And I likely never will.)

And I probably should’ve remembered that the people running this alongside Marcus are the same people that used to run MVW, with which I have had equally negative experiences.

But I was giving everyone a clean-slate, in my mind.  I was being a better person than I used to be.  And I was being a professional model, seeking out the opportunity to be pushed and challenged to grow in this new venue.  And I was totally selfishly pursuing my Ireland dream.

I submitted my picture for the first round and wasn’t chosen to walk.  Then again, I had taken a bit of a ‘risk’, I guess, as far as pageantry is concerned and had left my piercings in.  So, the second round, I submitted the amazing picture that Pam Astonia had done for me and was chosen to walk.  Now, I know me.  And I overthink every styling challenge given to me. Especially ones that are incredibly vague and have ZERO theme whatsoever.

“Dress to impress the judges, don’t underestimate the value of a first impression.  Be elegant, be fabulous, be you.”

That is what we had to go on.

So, rather than overthinking and overstyling like I do 90% of the time, I challenged myself to stay simple, clean, and elegant.  There were few prims, but what there were, were perfectly edited, including the 4 1/2 hours it took to edit that back necklace to sit underneath the halter collar of the dress.  (Please note, I’m blogging my original version of this styling, because I like the lighter red hair.  For the audition walk, I had a darker red messy bun at the base of my neck,, above the collar, and a black couture umbrella hat from Pure Poison.)  I had even finally given in and requested Ponchi’s aid in helping me with the proportions of my face (mostly my cheekbones) to get the ‘youthful’ look out of my face while still keeping my Glam Affair skin.

I was totally ready.  Despite being sick as hell, I was ready for this walk and, for once, completely confident in my chosen poses.  They were me, but they were appropriate to the outfit, and I’d even tossed in a couple 360 sequences to show the back detailing of the necklace which I LOVED.

I did my walk.  And I rubberbanded when I first went out, but I didn’t let it shake me.  I owned that damn runway for the time I was on it, and I did exactly what I was supposed to do.  Exactly what I’d come to do.  I killed it.  And I was incredibly satisfied with everything I did.  There wasn’t one thing I could’ve done differently (well, nothing that wouldn’t have made it less ‘me’).  And there wasn’t one thing I did that I could’ve done better, for the styling, for the ‘me’ that I needed to keep in the styling, and for the motivation of proving I could do it even though half of them likely thought I couldn’t.  It was as perfect as I could have made it.

And so when I woke up from a nap and looked at the list of girls who had gone through and didn’t see my name, I was totally a little bit sad.  My sadness quickly morphed to irritation, though, when I saw a few names that most definitely did not deserve to be there, and some other names absent that DID deserve it.

I’m sorry, but there were some stylings that just… weren’t done well.  And there were some that weren’t chosen that were amazing.

And of course, when I IMed Ponchi about it (admittedly in defensive Tivi mode), she and the organization took absolutely zero responsibility for the decisions they made, and the blatant lies they told.  She encouraged me to ask for feedback, which I had been considering, though when I had asked several of the girls that walked in the first round if they had gotten feedback, they said they’d asked, and received nothing.  So all the b.s. they fed us about getting feedback was quite obviously a lie.  I wasn’t about to waste my time only to be ignored by so many others before me had.  And like we always had been by the people who think they’re the best thing since sliced bread.

Though the line from my conversation with Ponchi that really set me off was this one, “The judges don’t give feedback.  The organization does.”  That SCREAMED ‘drink the koolaid’ to me… and for those who don’t understand the phrase, google it or something.  Like… the judges were the ones making the decision, not the organization, right?  And so if the JUDGES are the only ones making the decision, and not the organization, then the judges are the ones that should be able to say, “You know, on my viewer, your ears didn’t match your skintone.”  Or, “I saw your earring sticking into the collar of your dress.”  It makes me wonder, if the ORGANIZATION is the only one offering the feedback, and not the JUDGES who supposedly made the decision, then who is really making the decisions here?  And what criterion is actually being used?

We’ll never know, because we know they’ll NEVER be transparent about any of it.  Hell, they won’t even take responsibility for the decisions they make.

In essence, all of this just goes to show me – hopefully more than just me – that nothing has changed with this particular group of people.  It will still be just as messed up as it has always been.  It will still be just as low-ball, just as conniving, just as self-serving, and just as ‘under the table’ as it has always been.  It will still be that dirty little secret that they think they’re keeping, when everyone already knows.

Because, at the end of the day, a tiger doesn’t change its stripes – and neither does a weasel.

YouLearn2FINAL

*~* I Recommend Sticking Your Foot In Your Mouth At Any Time… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Artemis (Asia Tone; Makeup Option 04) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Nicole (light reds) – enVOGUE
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: French Manicure (Pastels) – Nailed It
Freckle/Blush: Lillith Fair (Freckle Blush Only) – Madrid Solo
Lipstick: Pearlina (Lips Only) – Madrid Solo
Gown: Evita Formal (White) – Kelini Haute Couture
Earrings/Necklace: Tiffany Back Necklace & Earrings (Silver) – Maxi Gossamer
Hand Bracelets/Rings: Opalis (Silver; For Slink Elegant) – Formanails @ Designer Circle
* Sold in versions compatible with Standard Avatar, Slink Elegant, Elegant 1, and Casual.

Poses: various from PosESioN‘s newest Gold collection

Location: Salt Water
* P.S. I totally got to talk to the Sim Owner today while I was sitting around writing this blog.  Tre is a super awesome person, and incredibly chill.  His easygoing demeanor definitely calmed the ragey Tivi that was writing this post, so Tre if you’re seeing this, thank you for being awesome, and for the lovely work of art you and Sunshine have brought to this sim.  I look forward to seeing the others.

Blogging Tune: “You Learn” – Alanis Morissette