Posted in Events, New Releases, The Chapter Four, The Crossroads, Tres Chic, We <3 RP

Confession .34. All My Friends Are Heathens…

Please don’t make any sudden moves
You don’t know the half of the abuse…

Confession .34.  All My Friends Are Heathens...

So.  One of the super exciting things that happened while I’ve been caught in externship hell, is that I was recently accepted into the blogging team for We ❤ RP!  Now, those of you that have stuck with me for awhile on this platform know that I adore fantasy and roleplay stylings when I get the chance to do them, so of course this acceptance was completely humbling and thrilling.

It was also another sponsor from my blogger bucket list.

Continue reading “Confession .34. All My Friends Are Heathens…”

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I Told You Time And Time Again…

I’m so ready for war
Got my soldiers and all
You should call on the Lord
Cause you’re taking the fall


“We uncontrollable.  You tamer than a dog on leash.”

The third runway challenge for Miss Virtual World, fourth challenge overall, was this past Saturday.  And this song has been stuck in my head since the Empire episode it played on, on Wednesday.  I’d already mostly, if not completely, styled by then, but still for whatever reason this song served as my inspiration, and spoke perfectly to the attitude with which I styled.

Unfortunately, for me, this challenge was my last this year.  My journey has been cut short.  And yes, to me it feels like “cutting short”, but I’ll reflect on that, and everything else when it’s less raw.

The theme behind this runway challenge was “Fash and Furious”, based around the Fast and Furious series… HOWEVER, while we were asked to look to the series for inspiration, the briefing went DEEPER than that when our challenge was described to us.  We were told to “make being illegal look fashionable.”

That was the object.  The object was not to recreate the movie.  So I did not draw inspiration from particular characters, or a particular movie from the franchise.  Instead, I took my inspiration from the overall style briefing, the objective we were given, and the series as a whole.  With that, this is what I got.

My backstory for this particular challenge may have been a bit intense for some of the judges… but hey, it’s me.  Take it or leave it.  (For those who might be confused because of how broken up my backstory was for this challenge… not a long rambling paragraph about meaningless things that have nothing to do with the inspiration behind the outfit… everything from here to the end is the backstory that was read out on Saturday.  As I said earlier, I will blog at a later time about an overall reflection of my journey this year, at a time when the feeling is less heartbreaking and less raw.  Love you guys.)

“You don’t know me.  But you’re about to.”

There is nothing like the thrill of an adrenaline rush, no matter what it is that causes it.  Speed, tension, danger… anything that causes your blood to flow and your heart to race.  It makes you feel alive!  That is what Tivi screams when she takes this runway this morning… and it is a vital part of understanding who she is.

“Thrill me!” comes the cry of the bold red on black.

“Excite me!” call the spikes that litter the top and heels.

“To bore me is to lose me!” chime the chains across her shoulders.

Everything about her riddling a harmonious discord… a chaotic sort of stillness… a loud silence.

“I am a woman!  Not a fairytale princess!  I have emotions, opinions, a temper, a very loud voice, and one hell of a right hook!”  A smirk will pull across blood-stained lips.

“You don’t know me.  But you’re about to.”


*~* I Told You Time And Time Again… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Yolandi (Artic Tone; Makeup Option 04) || Glam Affair
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) || IKON
Hair: Airwaves II (light blondes) || Vanity Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Half Glitter Fall 2015 (Red) || -{ZOZ}- || from Rock Your Rack
Eyeliner: London Liner (Black Eyeliner Only) || Madrid Solo
Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks (Red; Matte; Dark) || Pink Fuel
Lip Shine: Grace Bonus Lip Gloss Only || Madrid Solo
Bustier: Rosalie (Black) || Maci || from Rock Your Rack
Jacket: Opium Jacket, Sleeves, & Skirt || Eshi Otawara
Pants: Abandon Pants (Grey) || Dead Dollz
Heels: Geeky Heels (w/ Color Hud) || Ducknipple
Back Pearl Necklace: Pearl Necklace (Back Only) || EMO-tions
Shoulder/Chest Chain: Scarlett Body Chain (Black) || Noodles
Forearm Cuffs: Yseult Cuffs || Zibska

Pose (photo 1): Runway I 6 – Level 4 || Vitalis Animatum
Pose (photo 2): Runway I 5 – Level 4 || Vitalis Animatum

Blogging Tune: “Dynasty” – Yazz & Timbaland ft. Empire Cast

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All That I Say, You Always Say More…

Turning Tables(Where love is lost, Your ghost is found…)

I think I’ve got emotional whiplash.  The source of that whiplash is not what I really intend to go into.  But I apologize in advance if I do.  9 times out of 10, when I write… especially out of pain… I start with an idea and what transpires is a beast all its own.  I don’t start a blog entry with a definitive end.  I just write.  And when it feels complete, then it is.  If it doesn’t, I keep writing.

One of my biggest fears in life is that it will end with my having never meant anything to anyone.  Now, deep in the back of my sub-conscience, I know that I mean something to my friends, to my community.  I get that, I really do.  And I’m not here to emo about “Nobody loves me!”  But to mean something to my friends… and to truly mean SOMETHING to another human being that cares enough to love me are two different things.  At least, they equate to two different things in my head.  I’m not sure I can explain just how that is, so I apologize if it makes no sense.  Again, the things that come out of my head don’t always have to make sense.  And I’m writing from a place of pain, so it’s even less likely to make any kind of comprehensible sense.

Also… how fleeting everything in life seems… and I mean EVERYTHING… even life itself… just irks me.  Pre-teen girls can go from being best friends one day and worst enemies the next.  Athletes can go from being perfectly healthy to sitting out an entire season.  And apparently people can go from loving you to hating you and thinking some very horrible things about you.  A change of opinion should be expected as people grow and adapt to the condition of the world around them… but that quickly?  Damn.  Hit me like a mac truck and I’m just like… I dunno.  Maybe I don’t understand because I can’t just switch love on and off like that.  Does that make me weird?

Turning Tables(I can’t keep up with Your turning tables; under Your thumb, I can’t breathe…)

And does it make me weird to still love Him?  Even amidst all the horrible things that He’s said?  The trust He’s broken?  When I never wanted to fall in love in the first place… because I’ve known nothing but pain from love… when I told myself I wouldn’t fall again… and that I would never fall that quickly.  To fall that quickly was foolish.  I told myself all these things.  I went into it with eyes wide open.  And yet, here I sit.  I fell that hard… I fell that fast.  Something about Him felt… right.  And now it’s just… not.  It’s not right.  The things He’s saying aren’t right… how He claims He feels isn’t right.  I can’t wrap my head around it… it just… isn’t right.  But I told myself that I wouldn’t get involved again… that I wouldn’t fall again.  And I did it anyway.  It’s my own fault.

Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own Savior
When the Thunder calls to me
Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own Savior
Standing on my own two feet

Pffft.  Who am I kidding?  We all say, “I’ll learn from my mistakes and it’ll be better next time!”  We all get this optimistic feeling in the depths of our hearts that we learned out lessons and everything will work out juuuuuuuuuuust fine next time.  And does it ever?  I mean… seriously… be real with yourself for a moment.

Does it ever?

Turning Tables(It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables…)

*~* All That I Say, You Always Say More… *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Holly Skin (Fair) – Izzie’s
Eyes: Lovers eyes (Baby Blue) – [theSkinnery]  (MESH)
Hair: Hairbase 15 (Shaved/Tribal – Reds) – EMO-tions  (from Sidney hair)
Ears: Steking Ears (Unisex) – Mandala  (MESH)
Makeup: Raven’s Flock – Madrid Solo
Hoodie: Hoodie Unisex (Black) – .Shi  (MESH)
Pants & Boots: Yukatan Pants (Black) – LeeZu!  (MESH)
Suspenders: Leather Suspenders (Unisex) (Black) – .Shi  (MESH)
Bracelets & Nails: Kabuki Bracelet, Handring, Nails (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Necklace: Kabuki Necklace 1 (Infinitely Black) – Mandala
Facial Piercings: Liquid Silver – the :HV: (formerly Hebanon Vial)  (* this particular set unavailable; many amazing piercings still!)
Pose: Morphine

Blogging Tune:

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Held Between Heaven And Hell, As They’re Dancing…

(Featuring designs by Finesmith, EMO-tions, Izzie’s, Soedara, and many more…)

God and His priests and His kings
All were waiting
All will wait
As they go over

Held Between Heaven and Hell
As they’re dancing
As they dance
Over and Over

Held Between Heaven and Hell

You know I normally do more than one picture per post… trying to get close-ups, full body’s, etc… unfortunately this is the only picture for this post.  I’m still getting back into the swing of things and have a black-log of things I need to blog.  The past 2 months have been really hectic, both in RL and in SL, and so I apologize in retrospect (hindsight is always 20/20, right?) for being gone for so long.  Hopefully in the next few days I’ll be bringing you The Garage Designer Fair in review, as I missed most of its running.  That pesky thing called RL work… and sickness… and then the Owner of A&M STILL being on vacation to an unknown date… RL and SL have both kicked my ass.

But I’m back!  Muahaha!

Unfortunately, I’m not too thrilled with this shot that I did Monday night for the Finesmith Muse, June casting, but my dislike has nothing to do with any of the items… simply in my ability to edit this shot the way I wanted to.

In order to get this look, I picked apart an old look of mine… you’ll find it in a past post of mine… in order to find something to compliment the gorgeous jewelry I picked up from Finesmith.  Photo editing aside, I hope that Yula finds my photo and blog post to do this particular set justice.  🙂

For those that may not know, I’ve had this obsession with Africa and African culture, particularly Zimbabwe and the surrounding regions.  I actually came across my idea for the Finesmith Muse casting as it is the same sort of idea that I’m using for a dance I’m competing with on the 1st.  The dance and the styling are based around this proverb:

“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion, or it will be killed.  Every morning, a lion wakes up.  It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle, or it will starve to death.  It doesn’t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.  When the sun comes up, you better start running.”  — African Proverb

I went on to say, in the notecard, where Yula asked us to write her a short story, anything we wished:

“This… that proverb.  That is who I am.  In some situations, I am the lion.  In others, I am the gazelle.  Sometimes, it’s eat or be eaten.  But most of the time, we’re all just fighting to survive.  Most of us don’t truly mean animosity towards each other… it’s just a means of survival and a misinterpretation of what it means to be ‘fierce’.  Me?  I’m fierce.  I am not cut-throat, I am not petty, I do not sabotage other models, I do not take joy in seeing other models fail.  I am just fierce in my pursuit of what I want, and I will not be satisfied in my attempts at achieving it unless I can look back on all my work and say, ‘I did the absolute best that I could do.  There is nothing more I could have done.  Others were simply more suited than I, and that is ok.'”

And honestly, regardless of what some out there may think of me because of what they’ve heard… or what they’ve read… or what someone who knows someone who knows someone who may have read something I wrote that one time when they were high and bored off their asses… I really am the way I claim to be.

I am not cut-throat.  I used to be… oh lord, did I used to be!  When I first began dancing competitively, I was one of the most cut-throat people I’d ever met.  I never sabotaged anyone… and in fact I was the victim of sabotage not once, but twice… but I was still an extremely cut-throat person.  If I did not do as well in a competition as I believed I should have, I was after those judges.  I wanted to know WHY.  Sure, my intentions were good… I wanted to improve for the next time… but my vehement pursuit of the answer to the question “Why?” or “Why not?” as the case my be, became a rather unhealthy obsession to tailor my dancing to whatever those judges wanted it to be.  After awhile, my dances weren’t “me” anymore, and I quit dancing for about 6 or 7 months.  I will just now be stepping back into the competition scene on June 1st.  The last time I competed was back at the end of October.  But I am a much different person now than I was then, and my dances reflect that, I believe.

I am not petty.  In fact, I’m probably the opposite of petty.  I call out people who are being petty.  Lol.  Example, a few people decided it would be a good idea to accuse a friend of mine of ‘stealing’ a dance from another dancer, in an attempt to get her disqualified from the competition she danced in and, ultimately, tarnish her reputation in the dance community.  That’s pretty low and petty, wouldn’t you say?  I admit I participated in the situation, in that I stood up (and stood up HARD, mind you) for my friend and defended her… but that’s only because I won’t stand to watch people try and muddy the reputation of a good girl who just loves to dance.  You can compete for the prizes all you want to and that’s just fine and dandy, but don’t try to ruin the others who do it because they love it.

I do not sabotage other models.  I know people that will pull the whole “Well I don’t have time to help you,” card… or ones that will not give you a second opinion if they’re going to the same casting.  They don’t want to “help” the competition.  Fortunately for me, I graduated from Amici, where we are taught to be a family and help those who need it.  I know I always have an Amici family to give me an honest opinion, regardless if any of us are casting in the same thing or not.  Those other models are not your ‘competition’.  They are you family.  Embrace them while you have them, because the more you push them away, the less you have when it counts.

I do not take joy in watching other models fail.  I am happy when I succeed in something that I wanted.  But at the same time, I tend to feel bad about being happy when I realize that other people who wanted the same thing, did not get it.  For example, a couple of weeks ago, I did the open casting for the FMU modeling agency, as did a friend of mine.  We both worked hard, we both rocked it, we both did our best.  I made it in, my friend did not.  I was happy about making it in, however, I felt bad about being happy because my friend was discouraged.  However, she went to the second casting they held this past weekend… but she did not make it again.  So, again, I feel bad about being happy, because I cannot share that joy with one of my closest friends.  Maybe that makes me overly-sensitive… but it’s just the way I am.

*~* Held Between Heaven And Hell, As They’re Dancing *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Holly Skin Fair – Izzie’s
Eyes: Lovers eye (Raven) – the Skinnery (MESH)
Eye Makeup: Insanity Plea (Gold) – Madrid Solo
Eyelashes: My Perfect Lashes – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipstick: Insanity Plea (Gold) – Madrid Solo
Body Paint: War Paint (tintable) – YaYo
Hair: *insert name of hair here* – EMO-tions
Headpiece/Necklace: Kirin’s Poem (black) – Finesmith
Tassels: Nubian Divinity – Soedara

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Lies, Disguises, and Hoops They Make You Jump Through…

(Featuring designs by Soedara, Emo-tions, Madrid Solo, and a few others; photographed on the gorgeous Bellydance Oasis sim.)
(I look so different to myself!  More info below…)
So, as those of you who are either my friends or have followed the pageant know, I did not make semi-finals.  I worked my ass off during prelims and the nearly two months prior, I gave it my all, and it was not enough.  Is this a disappointing realization?  Yeah.  But no one likes being told their best isn’t good enough, and there was some stiff competition.  I love all the ladies that were competing and I know that Miss Metaverse is going to find a wonderful face of its pageants.
To add to that disappointment, a bit more drama flew my way at the hands of those who cannot seem to understand and respect a simple request.  I mean, really… is it too much to ask to want 3 days to yourself?  I didn’t have pageantry business to worry about, I had the weekend off of work (which I NEVER have, btw) and so I was taking some time to enjoy myself doing the things that *I* like to do.  At the time the drama transpired I was actually in Gor… which is something I haven’t had the time to do in a long time… roleplaying… which is also something I haven’t had the time to do in a long time… and celebrating Kajrualia with a few of my closest friends.  For those that don’t know, Kajuralia is a Gorean holiday in the books where a LOT of tolerance was given to slaves, and they could do much of what they pleased, within reason. Our roleplay centered in the Tavern… so I’m sure you could only imagine the things we were getting up to.  But was I able to truly enjoy it?  For awhile, yes.  But damn… when I have an auto response up that expresses a simple wish to be left alone for the weekend, you’d THINK people could understand and respect that, yes?
Clearly not.
Anyway.  So needless to say it’s been a hell of a weekend.
Being the workaholic that I am, I couldn’t resist peeking into the designer behind Soedara (Marbella Provonost)’s IMs and asking if, after the weekend, she had any projects for me.  She doesn’t have staff exactly, but I do odd jobs for her when she needs me to, like research projects.  *Giggles*  She comes back with, “Actually, yes, I do.  It’s a pain in the ass.”
Now keep in mind, the last project I did for this woman was researching vendors and how many ways you could build a clothing rack and sell items from a prim with the texture on it… without putting the ACTUAL texture on it so copybotters couldn’t steal it.  So when she tells me that something is a “pain in the ass”, I’m expecting a similar project.
Instead, she says she wants me to “parade around” in an outfit today and tells me to pick a color.  Given a heart to heart I had with Sequoia Nightfire (more on that in a moment), I chose black, as my skin is darker now.  Where I think I’m getting a pain in the ass project, instead, I get passed this gorgeous outfit.
(I think the only thing “pain in the ass” about this is the person wearing it.  *Grins*)
Now, I mentioned earlier having a heart to heart with Sequoia Nightfire.  A pageant that I’ve been hearing talked about for quite some time, given that the Dazzlers perform for it (I believe) is Colour of Couture. I ‘d not heard much more about it until registration opened up, so I went to take a peek.  I think it is truly awesome what these women are doing.  This pageant is directed specifically for women who portray women of color in Second Life, from a list of specified regions.
Depending on how long you’ve known me, if you know me at all, you may know that I played a mamba in Gor for YEARS, where I used the dark skin I’m wearing in these pictures.  Essentially, to understand what a mamba is, culturally, think… tribal cultures in Africa… and then stereotype them to be cannibals.  That is what I roleplayed.  A fierce, vicious woman who normally couldn’t speak the language that those around her were speaking.  It was amazingly fun, and honestly… I identified more with my personality in Gor than I did outside of Gor just trying to “be myself”.
I am not a woman of color in RL.  But ever since I was young I’ve been FASCINATED with the culture in Zimbabwe.  I was a puppeteer in a puppetry ministry in church when I was a preteen, and when our adult leader’s daughter became a missionary to Zimbabwe, our group actually handmade about 3 or 4 puppets that were meant to be culturally African, and sent them with her to take to the children down there for something to play with and teach with.  Ever since then, I’ve been hooked.
In speaking with Sequoia, I told her about how I used to represent myself in SL, and about how I allowed people in modeling academies when I began modeling to convince me that a pale skin was more “right” for modeling… she urged me, rather simply, to consider that which I love.  And if I truly loved it, then to represent myself how I wish, and live as that culture that I relate to and love.  I’m trying my best to take her advice to heart.  I may not be able to live it in RL, but the beauty of SL is that I can live it if I feel like it.
So if you see me around SL all dark again, know that I am once more truly myself.  I honestly can’t believe that I allowed myself to lose sight of myself for that long… and I can actually thank the Miss Metaverse pageant for allowing me to rediscover who I am.  When I walked out on that runway for the “Me” walk category, in that dark skin and tribal styling… I felt more myself than I ever had since before I began modeling.
And I’ll never lose that bit of myself again.
*~* Lies, Disguises, and Hoops They Make You Jump Through *~*
Shape: My Personal Shape
Skin: Bean[Dark] Pout – Brat 1: Curio
Eyes: JABU Eyes – Green: -DAMNED-
Hair: *RUTH* Black (worn with hairbase): EMO-tions
Makeup (Eyes&Lips): Insanity Plea – Gold: Madrid Solo
Makeup (Blush): Cleo 2 – Blush Only: Madrid Solo
Outfit (all jewelry & piercings included, except earrings): Nubian Divinity Night Creature: Soedara *~* mesh included *~*
Headpiece: Nubian Divinity Headdress Stones Adorned: Soedara
Earrings: 3-Hoop Earrings in Radiant Gold: Misha Fine Jewelry
Feet (not pictured): “Feet”: N-Core

P.S. SURPRISE Soadara!  I blogged it.  😛