Posted in Collabor88, Events, Life, New Releases, Writing Assignments

Confession .219. And They’re Marching In…

Even though all of my fears
And all of my doubts
Are outside my door, ready for war
Right here and now…

Confession .219.  And They're Marching In...

As a part of my training in the D/s sim i consider my home Community, i’ve been picking up journaling again.  In the past, i didn’t find it effective – which is probably ironic, given that i’ve been writing here in this blog for five years with each post, so clearly there’s something to be said for the therapeutic quality of stream-of-consciousness type writing – but with the way it’s been panning out for the last couple of weeks, it’s been helpful, giving me a place to just… be… and write down my thoughts, unfiltered.

i want to share with Y/you all today a portion of my journal entry from yesterday… Some of you might be able to guess what sparked this particular line of thought – though i’m not going to mention it or talk about it specifically here.  It simply served as inspiration, and the last thing i want to do is come across as ‘salty’ or ‘bitter’ about it.  ♥

Continue reading “Confession .219. And They’re Marching In…”

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When It Was An Old Back Road With An Old School Beat…

I wanna drop this cell phone now
And let it shatter on the ground
They ain’t holdin’ nothin’, these two hands
Until they’re holdin’ you again…

StripItDown3FINAL

“We both know that we lost it somehow.  Let’s get it found.”

As I’ve said before, I don’t often just throw something on out of a box, especially for a blog post… however, I absolutely love everything that Envious does.  SayaNicole really takes the time to think about the woman she’s designing for, and adds in just enough to give her a cohesive, well-put-together outfit without having to scramble around through a mess of an inventory.  For this, I usually display as much of each outfit as I can in her posts, and don’t do a lot of mix and matching.

Yes, it’s another one of the Lover’s Dictionary series posts.  Sorry if you’re getting sick of them.  There’s a whole BOOK full of these little snippets, so I’m not running out of stuff to write about any time soon.  Lol.

On another note, ooo look!  Tivi included furniture!  Lmao.  Sorry.  *Hugs you all for putting up with my randomness*  And this particular word/story from the book is super sappy and cute… so, prepare for that. Lol.

contiguous, adj.

I felt silly for even mentioning it, but once I did, I knew I had to explain.
“When I was a kid,” I said, “I had this puzzle with all fifty states on it – you know, the kind where you have to fit them all together.  And one day I got it in my head that California and Nevada were in love.  I told my mom, and she had no idea what I was talking about.  I ran and got those two pieces and showed it to her – California and Nevada, completely in love.  So a lot of the time when we’re like this” – my ankles against the backs of your ankles, my knees fitting into the backs of your  knees, my thighs on the backs of your legs, my stomach against your back, my chin folding into your neck – “I can’t help but think about California and Nevada, and how we’re a lot like them.  If someone were drawing us from above as a map, that’s what we’d look like; that’s how we are.”
For a moment, you were quiet.  And then you nestled in and whispered,
“Contiguous.”
And I knew you understood.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

StripItDown1FINAL

contiguous, adj.

I absolutely love to cuddle.  And it’s not even necessarily about, “I’ve had a bad day, can we cuddle?”  I just prefer cuddling to most things.  Hell, I even prefer cuddling to sex, let’s be honest.  (Past partners can certainly confirm that, likely through gritted teeth of frustration.)  It says so much about a person to be willing to just lay there, exchange warmth, be that source of security and safety for a moment, an hour, however long… and just… be.  Maybe you’re talking, maybe you’re not.  Maybe you’re just laying there listening to each other breathe.  There is something downright magical about cuddling with the right person.

I swear cuddling is like, test numero uno in a relationship for me.  *Laughs*  Can I cuddle with you?  Do you even want to cuddle without getting stir-crazy and annoying?  Do we fit together, or is it awkward?  Do you give me shit for being a cuddler?  Do you constantly try to get in my pants when we’re laying there cuddling?  I may be silent, but there are so many things going through my head when I’m cuddling with someone I actually care about, when there’s a relationship developing there.

Perhaps this is a bit of my over-analyzing everything.  But hey, cuddling is important, dammit!

The passage on “contiguous” in Lover’s Dictionary was actually the first one I read.  I picked the book up in the book store, flipped to a random page and there it was: a whole new perspective on cuddling and love, explained to me by the illustration of a map of the 50 states.  I never expected to learn about love that day, but I did… and I walked out of the book store with the book because of it.

I believe it was Ben… he and I made the California and Nevada references often.  I was Nevada, of course… cause I am the little spoon, always.  And Ben was California.  To this day, I don’t think I’ve used that reference with anyone else… I don’t even know that I’ve told anyone else about that story, and how, in a silly way, it spoke to me.  Only Ben.  That was a thing that was just ours, I guess.

I guess, in the map of the 50 states in my head, California has long since drifted into the Pacific Ocean.

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*~* When It Was An Old Back Road With An Old School Beat… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
*AlterEgo has a new store build coming, set to open on Feb 1st, so if you find problems trying to get into the sim, that could be it.  Make sure you join her group for the most recent updates!
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Wake Up (Dusk Palette) || Beusy
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom
Lipstick: Goth Lips 17 (from Goth Lips 3 pack) || Pekka
Outfit (inc. heels & head goggles): Victorious || Envious
* This outfit includes standard size & Belleza size tank tops and skirts, clothing layer leggings, Omega and TMP applier HUDs for leggings, Heels, Head Goggles, and 2 bracelets (not pictured)
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Tattoo: Bohemian Full 14008 (at 50% opacity) || Letis Tattoo

Bed (with poses): Kira Four-Post Bed (Cupid’s Repose) || Newchurch || REVAMPED
* I am posing on the adult version, which features single sleeping animations, cuddle animations, and adult animations.  There IS a PG version available for sale at the event as well.  The bed linens come with several color/pattern options all in one bed!
Dresser: Kira Four-Drawer Dresser (White) || Newchurch || REVAMPED
Nightstand: Kira Nightstand (White) || Newchurch || REVAMPED
Room Setting: Window 2.0 || KaTink

Blogging Tune: “Strip It Down” – Luke Bryan

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On My Own I’m Only Half Of What I Could Be…

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

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“We are stitched together, and what love has tethered, I pray we never undo.”

Apparently all I do is trash people in this blog.  *Laughs*  As any of you who have been here for any amount of time and actually READ this thing know… that is FAR from the truth… but let the people with more mouth than sense wag their tongues all they like.  And if any have managed to wander their way over here for this post because someone read this small paragraph and went running to them crying ‘drama’, please, take the complimentary doughnut pillow for your butt-hurt and have a seat.

Now that that’s out of the way, the REAL purpose of this post is the exact opposite of trashing (which, this sort of thing and other randomness is what makes up the vast majority of my blog… again, if you’ve been here for any length of time and actually read me, then you know that… lol).  I heard this song what feels like 86,000 times in the 12 hour drive to Indiana, and the 12 hour drive home when I went for my cousin’s Celebration of Life, and I couldn’t get it out of my head.

It made me think… and we all know what happens when Tivi thinks… she gets sappy.  LOL.

I’ve been given so many people in my life, both first and second, and more often than not, I find myself focused moreso on the self-centered assholes that use me and then leave.  I’m so blinded by those that hurt me, that I don’t really see those that don’t, nor do I appreciate them often enough.  And so, I thought I’d sorta put it out there, and focus on some of the amazing people that I’ve been given in my Second Life.

God gave me… Rayven.  I figured I’d start here with Him because He is the farthest in my past and the one from this list that I do not talk to any more.  My fault, and too long of a story to indulge in.  In a community full of people – particularly the Men in my life at that time – that would look at a weak woman as something easy to take advantage of, Rayven was the first Male to walk into my life and truly be a Man.  He saw a vulnerable woman in a horrible situation, and rather than thinking about what He could gain, and how He could most easily get what He wanted, He removed me from the situation and proceeded to focus on my safety and my well-being.  In turn, I did my best to serve Him in our relationship, but at the time I did not really have a grasp on the concept of simply ‘doing my duty’ versus truly VALUING a person’s presence in Your life.  Almost 3 years ago now, I did write Him a letter to express these things, and apologize for never valuing Him as much as He deserved, but I’m not sure if He ever read it.  Either way, the idea that Men like Rayven still exist out there somewhere, is honestly what keeps me from giving up on the idea entirely after going through another terrible situation.  A Gem found me once before.  Perhaps it will happen again.  They exist.

God also gave me… Reign.  Mostly to kick my ass when I need it, both in modeling and out.  But seriously.  At the time that I met a certain Miss Reign Congrejo, she came as a bit of a package deal with Sequoia, and both of them were what kept me from quitting modeling all together, almost immediately after I started.  I was involved in a HORRIBLE first pageant experience (ironically, the pageant that inspired me to write the letter to Rayven that I mentioned)… and I was considering simply being done.  We were lied to, verbally accosted at every turn any time someone asked a question or brought something up for clarification, titles were ripped from ladies with no reason, titles were held over our heads like the Sword of Damocles… and the whole thing was just a nightmare.  It wasn’t until I randomly showed up for a video casting that Reign and Sequoia were doing for their Colour of Couture pageant that I met them both, and they showed me a true experience with wonderful people.  To this day, Reign is still the swift kick in the ass I need, when I need it.

God also gave me… Iris.  Dear lord.  A dancer who has just as much, if not more, passion as I do about it… is just as subbie, if not more, outside of dance as I am… and has just as many, if not more (lol), pet peeves as I do about dance and needs someone to rant to.  Iris and I were like a friendship match in freaking heaven.  I am super over-bearing and pushy when I’m stubbornly passionate about something and clinging to it… and she totally puts up with it.  Lol.  I am also super protective of her when she lets me in the deeper things…. and she also puts up with that.  And I know she gets easily frazzled and do my best to make her breathe.  (“Breathe, bitches!”)  Iris is about the only person besides mama that I would trust as a dance teacher to learn from, because she is just as passionate about seeing the individual succeed… not beating the individuality out of them.  And she comes up with zany dance exhibition ideas that let me do crazy dances I’d never get to do anywhere else!

God also gave me… Mama (Rya)!  Oh my god.  This woman… is a pain in my ass.  But a lovable pain in my ass.  Lol.  Mama is another one that kinda saves me from quitting things when the frustration over politics and other general bullshit gets to be too much for me.  Where Reign keeps me from quitting modeling, Rya keeps me from quitting dance.  I never knew the woman was a Gorean dancer when I first met her.  I met her when I was dancing in clubs and just generally hanging out and getting to know people, back when I first joined SL between 7 and 8 years ago.  Later, she became my dance manager, and we were talking one night and she just so happened to mention that she’d started dancing in a place called Gor.  I’d just started roleplaying there off and on and had started dancing myself… and from there, we were pretty much inseparable.  Mama is another one that wishes to see the individual dancer succeed, and share her individual heart, rather than beating the individuality out of them, and I love her to death for it.  It takes a special kind of person to put up with my brand of bullshit every day for 7 years now and still call me her daughter.  LOL.

God also gave me… Sarah.  I swear, if she wasn’t Rya’s daughter, she would be mine.  I really hope that she doesn’t take offense to this analogy, but it’s the only thing I can think of at the moment to describe just the sorts of things Sarah has taught me about myself… you know how sometimes in Health class (or even Science class)… or if your parents are a special brand of twisted, you do this at home too, maybe for punishment… you’re given an egg and you have to take care of it and keep it from breaking?  Or a sack of flour… depending on your school system/parent.  Or the child development classes that give you the fake baby?  Or even parents that try to instill these values of caring in their children by getting them a pet to take care of.  When Sarah started in the classes and let us really get to know her, I connected with her in a way I had never connected with another human being before.  I cared for her, not in a romantic way (lawd… my sister/daughter-figure… that’d be weird), but in a way that so deeply transcended friendship I wouldn’t hesitate to snap the neck of someone who hurt her in any way.  When you go through a lot of negative things in your life like I have – and many of us have – sometimes it desensitizes you and dehumanizes you a bit to the world around you.  Sarah is what keeps me grounded and connected to my inner “decent human being”.

And last but not least, for this completely non-comprehensive list, God gave me… Nova.  (I can picture her getting a little grumbly the more she read, thinking she might not be on the list.  LOL.)  Nova, Nova, Nova.  What can I say about Nova?  Well first of all, it’s all Sam’s fault that I even know her, let alone like her so much.  LOL.  And my Sam’s fault, I mean a collective burden between myself and Sam.  Sam was a friend from college who lived in my dorm building and ran the night desk a lot of nights.  If ever I was up late at night and couldn’t sleep, I’d text her and see if she was running the desk in our building, and if she was, I’d go downstairs and hang out for a bit.  Occasionally I’d bring my laptop, and one day she got a look at it while I was logged into SL.  “What’s that?”  (The dreaded first question, am I right?)  I explained SL to her and she made an avi shortly after and started exploring.  She’d mentioned she’d gotten a friend of hers involved as well, though I later found out that Nova had actually tried SL once before and just hadn’t logged in often or found anything she really liked about it yet before Sam mentioned it to her again.  And so because she was Sam’s friend, obviously I met her.  I even roomed with them for a couple months in real life after college to get out of a not-so-fantastic home situation.  All in all, Nova is just an amazing person.  She puts her all into everything she does and tries her damnedest to do it all to the best of her ability all the time.  It makes me giggle to listen to her get frustrated with herself over the smallest shit, and talk to herself while she’s styling/designing/photographing/doing anything really.  And of course, when we’re in Skype, between my shitty internet and her haunted laptop that likes to randomly switch inputs on her, I can only ever really hear clearly when she’s talking about testicles, nothing else.  My life is far better from having Nova in it.

And those are just a select few of the people in my life that God has given me, that I don’t show appreciation to often enough.  I don’t really do ‘New Year’s resolutions’, but if I did, I would say that one of them… a GOAL, per se, is to consider this more positive side of people more often.  Like I said, I think in my last post, my therapist keeps trying to drill into my head that I can’t just assume the worst of people just because they are similar to people in my past, or the situation we’re in is similar.  And I’m trying to do that.  😀

GodGaveMeYou1FINAL

*~* On My Own I’m Only Half Of What I Could Be… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Natural pupil) || IKON
Hair: Amber (Brunettes) || Spellbound
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Eye Makeup: Mya Makeup (manually tinted) || Nuuna
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom
Gown: Queen Gorgo Draped Ancient Dress (Plum) || Kaithleen’s || Recent Release!

Pose (photo 1): Statue 7 || Posesion
Pose (photo 2): Cute 5 mirror || Vitalis Animatum

Location: Pandora Box of Dreams

Blogging Tune: “God Gave Me You” – Blake Shelton

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Can We Just Be Broken Together?

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?

BrokenTogether1FINAL

“If you can bring your shattered dreams, and I’ll bring mine… could healing still be spoken and save us?”

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, and because I’m kinda in the mood for it, I’ma do another one of the Lover’s Dictionary series posts.  Buuuuuut before I jumped into the word, I wanted to say a huge thank you to my newest sponsor, SayaNicole Cuttita from Envious.  Envious has been one of my favorite brands since I stepped out of roleplay the first time (gods, in 2009?) and first cared about what my avatar looked like.  It’s very rare that I will wear an outfit ‘out of the box’, or multiple pieces from the same outfit, but with Saya’s designs, I always do… cause it’s just so damned awesome.  So thank you, Saya!

cajole, v.

I didn’t understand how someone from a completely landlocked state could be so terrified of sharks.  Even in the aquarium, I had to do everything to get you to come close to the tank.  Then, in the Natural History Museum, I couldn’t say Quiet any longer.
“It’s not alive,” I said.  “It can’t hurt you.”
But you held back, and I was compelled to push you into the glass.
What did it matter to me?  Did I think that by making you rational about one thing, I could make you rational about everything?
Maybe.  Or maybe I just wanted to save you from your fears.

— “The Lover’s Dictionary” by David Levithan

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cajole, v.

I am positively terrified of damn near everything.  Some of my fears are rational… I’ve had bad experiences with them in the past, which make me incredibly wary of being in similar situations.  Some of my fears, however, are completely irrational; I’ve never been involved in a damn thing even close to it.  There is zero reason for it.  And yet, here I sit… completely petrified.

The problem, though, is that You tried to convince me that the things I was rationally afraid of, were, in fact, irrational fears.  That the things in my past should simply stay there, and should never have any sort of impact on my future judgment or future feelings.  While I agree to a certain extent… that I should never PUNISH people in my future for the mistakes of those in my past… I do have to assert that my past experiences will make me wary, and that this is perfectly ok.

The first time I put my hand on the burning hot stove as a child, I learned damn well never to do that again.  My brain works the same way with most everything else.

My therapist tells me I can’t assume everyone is a bad person, just because they exude similar qualities to bad people in my past… or because I am in a similar situation that I was in in my past around bad people (i.e. I can’t assume all my classmates that are nice to me want to use me because I’m doing well)… however I still believe there’s a difference between that, and being cautious.

Or being genuinely afraid.  I was afraid of you.  That was the bottom line.

And there was only so much I could take of being constantly told that everything I said and did was irrational, no matter how rational it actually was.

And then the silence happened.  So, I guess that was that.

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*~* Can We Just Be Broken Together? *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Warrior (Brunettes) || Spellbound
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom
Lipstick: Essential Lipsticks (Red; Matte; Deep) || Pink Fuel
Dress & Heels: Maria Dress (15) || Envious
* Dress includes standard sizes, sizes for Slink Physique, and Belleza Venus/Isis/Freya
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Arm Tattoo: Atinne (Black) || Common Gacha Item || Things
Leg Tattoo:  Vayiane (Black) || Common Gacha Item || Things

Pose (photo 1): Statue 7 || Posesion
Pose (photos 2 & 3): Mortius 10 || Posesion

Backdrop: 9 rue du Marteau. Brussels || Common Gacha Item || Rowne

Blogging Tune: “Broken Together” – Casting Crowns

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I Gave You The Key When The Door Wasn’t Open…

Tell me here…
Where are you now that I need you?
Where are you now?

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Well good morning!

What am I doing at 7am on a Monday morning?  Not sleeping or dreading the Monday… nope!  Collaborating with a pretty boy!  *Licks*

Nah, but for real.  He’s a recent convert to the modeling… and potentially blogging… world.  So play nice with him.  I think he’s killer, but I dun think he thinks it yet.

He doesn’t really have a blog of his own at the moment, so while I work on that with him… *cough cough*… I may drag him over here as a ‘partner’ per se, to help out the menfolk a little bit.  Since I’m sure y’all are tired of the girly stuff all the time.  Lol!

I dragged him over to pose with me mostly because I found a whole bunch of couples poses from KaTink in my inventory that I hadn’t even opened yet.  And hadn’t really had a reason or means to use them… so what better to do on a sleepless Monday morning, right?

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And of course I had to rock some Pentatonix this morning too.  The original of this song actually has Beiber in it… whether it’s his song or someone else’s that features him, I have no idea… that’s how little I follow anything Beiber.  I mean, I even went to listen to that “Love Yourself” song that everyone is raving about and I still just can’t feel it… Beiber just doesn’t do it for me.

The video however, for PURPOSE?  That was pretty powerful, and I loved it.  Just not so much the song.

Perhaps I’ll look for a cover.  Maybe it’s Beiber’s voice that makes it ick for me.  LOL.

But either way, I figured I’d pop a post out here, post holidays, especially with the opportunity to drag someone else into it.  Because why should I suffer my sleeplessness alone, right?  Lol.

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*~* I Gave You The Key When The Door Wasn’t Open… *~*

— Styled by Tivi —
Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || AlterEgo
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Hair Fair 2015 004 (Gothics) || Besom
Body: Lara Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom (formerly Milk)
Top: Wynter Vest (Dusk) || Cellar Door || We ❤ RP (December)
Jeans: Mia Jeans (Black) || Blueberry
* Wearing the “Tucked into Boots” version; also comes with ‘regular’ version
Boots: Laced Moon Boots (Naturals #1) || RARE Gacha Item || Reign || N-21
Necklace: Aurora Collar (Black) || Cellar Door || We ❤ RP (December)
Chest Tattoo: Southpaw (Black; Chest) || White Widow
Arm Tattoo: Southpaw (Black; Arms) || White Widow

— Styled by Jian —
Shape: HIS
Skin: Damien (Box 2; Steam) || 7 Deadly Skins
Eyes: Sovereign Eyes (Evening) || IKON
Hair: LeeJae (Frizzy Chic; Naturals II) || Tableau Vivant
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands Male (Relax) || Slink
Jacket/Sweater: Alaska Sweater (with Shirt) || Cold Ash
Pants: Sagging Pants (Black) || Gabriel
Shoes: Plain Toe Shoes (Black) || Gabriel

Pose (photo 1): Secret Love || KaTink
Pose (photos 2 & 3): Still Together || KaTink

Backdrop: Cafe de Rowne Paris || RARE Gacha Item || Rowne || Arcade (December)

Blogging Tune: “Where Are U Now” – Pentatonix Cover

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This Goes Out To The Heaviest Heart…

To everyone who’s hit their limit, it’s not over yet
Even when you think you’re finished, it’s not over yet
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark, into the light, it’s not over
Hope is rising
Never give in, never give up, it’s not over!

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“Game, set, match.  Time to put it in your past.  Feel the winter leavin’, it’s redemption season!  Long live the young at heart.  Cheers to a brand new start!  We’re revived and breathin’ to live a life of freedom!”

Lyric overload today.  But I positively adore this song lately.  One of my ‘favorites of the moment’, religious song or not.  I would heavily encourage you to scroll down to the bottom of this post at some point where the video is embedded and listen to the whole thing at least once.

However, I’m not responsible if it ends up stuck in your head, or on repeat for the next week.  ❤

Anyway… this song very much speaks to me on a profound level, in regards to both RL and SL.  It’s no secret to most of you who care enough to have noticed that I’ve not logged in much over the last month.  Most of that was health-related, I will admit, and I’m doing much better… and have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to make sure everything is smoothed over and I’m recovering how I should be.

However, health issues aside, some of it… I just hit that limit where I was either stressed out or frustrated with everything I tried to do… and none of it was inspiring anymore.  Logging in began to feel more like a chore than it did a pleasure.  And one thing Gen has always told me from pretty much the day we started talking more often was that things in your life should be there to enhance it in a positive way… and that’s the only reason they should be there.  It got to the point to where SL and the people in it were no longer enhancing my life in a positive way… but in fact, they were becoming detrimental to me, and hurtful most of all.

Slowly I’ve creeped back in here in the last week or so… testing the waters and seeing if it feels ok to stay again.  The act of logging in no longer throws me into a panic attack or makes me angry… so that’s a step in the right direction.  But I’d be lying if I said there weren’t some people in particular that set off that side of me when I think about, look at, or speak to them.  And right now, my body physically cannot handle the stress of the anxiety that these particular people induce.  So if you ever see me randomly pop offline unexpectedly, especially mid-conversation, I promise I’m not trying to be a bitch… it’s that I’ve been triggered and have probably ducked out to hide for a bit to keep myself in check, for the sake of my health.

If you /are/ one of these people, trust me, you either already know, or I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.

But in my last week or so in I’ve just been trying to focus on a couple of things that I used to find passion and enjoyment in… and this seems to be working.  I sent in a casting for one of my favorite stores, that allowed me to style something completely fun and funky with a lot of bright colors from one of the most amazing palettes I saw come out of the Autumn collections in SL this year.  And I’ve been poking around with an event idea.  And if you read the last post, then you know that I went out and impulse-bought a L$2,500 gift card to Truth Hair to giveaway to those of you who are here and read me and have just generally been there and not been a nuisance to the grid… lol.  Because I appreciate you all, and I actually was able this year to finally do something to show that.

And then today, I ran across a post on Facebook and I HAD to run IMMEDIATELY and pick up this gown.  One of the other things that’s kept me calm lately is just dressing however I damn well please.  For about a week I rocked a look that I classified to Gen as “hobo chic” with my tied top, jeans, beanie hair, complete with high heels.  (Trekking through the snow as we explored a few sims, mind you.  Beastmode Princess.)  But if you know me at all, you know I occasionally get a wild inspiration that says I MUST look pretty today, even if I’m not going to a formal any time soon.  And that is where this gown is so amazing.

I am in love.  So in love.  And if I didn’t have to change clothes for a commitment tomorrow, then I would likely be in this gown for a week.  LOL.

Merry Christmas, if I don’t see you before then, aside from to annouce the winner of the gift card giveaway.  Which, btw, ends TOMORROW NIGHT at 10pm SLT.  Click HERE for the post with terms and instructions and the link to Rafflecopter giveaway page where I’m running it.

ItsNotOverYet2FINAL

*~* This Goes Out To The Heaviest Heart… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || Alterego
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Forest) || IKON
Hair: Patricia (Dark Greys) || enVOGUE || **recent release**
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom (formerly Milk)
Lipstick: Essential Lipstick Red (Matte; Deep) || Pink Fuel
Gown: Golden Leaf (Red) || Kelini Haute Couture || **recent release**
Jewelry Set: Lasya Complete Set || Lazuri
* Comes with Forehead Jewel, Earrings, Necklace, Upper Arm Bracelets, Bracelets, Anklets, Belly Jewel, Rings

Pose (photo 1): Cute 5 Mirror || Vitalis Animatum || **recent release**
Pose (photo 2): Aphrodita 7 || Posesion Poses

Backdrop: 1 Derb Assehbe. Marrakech || Common Gacha Item || Rowne || Dec. Arcade

Blogging Tune: “It’s Not Over Yet” – For King and Country

Posted in Uncategorized

It’s Ok Not To Be Ok…

Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It’s ok not to be ok.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising
Just be true to who you are!

WhoYouAre2FINAL

 Things have been really crazy here, so thank you for bearing with me.  If you follow me on Facebook, you know a bit of what I’ve been dealing with, but if you don’t, let me give you a bit of a reader’s digest version.

I finally got set up with a therapist down here.  And she wanted me to see the nurse practitioner in their office.  Now, my doctor already has me on Wellbutrin twice a day for depression, but as of yet was not really treating anxiety, or pain I’m experiencing in my hip that I’ve had for upwards of 2 years now.  When I saw the nurse practitioner, she wanted to add Lexapro to better manage the depression… tons of people take Wellbutrin and Lexapro together, so she didn’t see an issue… and then she added Gabapentin (some of you might know it as Neurontin) to manage the anxiety.  And bonus, it also helps nerve pain, so it should help with the hip.

From the moment I started taking it on Friday, I was absolutely miserable.  But I told myself it was just like starting any other new medication… side effects that I would eventually get used to.  Sure, I nearly passed out in the middle of a Vanity Fair, and I was nauseous and dizzy and foggy all day, but I figured once I got used to it, things would ultimately be better.  I don’t really remember much of Saturday… but I remember sleeping a lot of it?  And then Sunday mom came over and the first thing I had her do was check my heart rate, because I had checked it and it was over 100, just resting.  Which, my heart rate is normally elevated, just from a general state of being unhealthy, but it’s normally, like, 85-ish resting.  Not 100.  She took it and said yeah, it was between 100 and 105… and my chest was hurting.  Not, like, gripping, shortness of breath, “I’m having a heart attack,” kind of pain… but enough to be concerning to me.

… Granted, at this point I was NOT having a panic attack, so hey, the meds were working!

But I punched my meds into a Drugs.Com app I’ve got on my phone to check all the interactions, and from what I could see, the way Lexapro interacts with my metabolism medication, it’s essentially known to ‘increase its effects’.  Which makes sense… cause my metabolism medication is said to effect you like speed.  Jitteriness, feeling like your heart is racing, excess energy, etc.  So to be shaking, and have my heart ACTUALLY racing – while concerning – still seemed normal, per the drug interactions we could find.

Mom leaves and later calls me and says, “I want you to stop taking the Lexapro.”  She had kept researching it, and essentially the way the Lexapro interacts with that medication does more than just intensify the effects… it actually begins to cultivate seratonin sickness, which I was apparently already showing early signs of.

So I stopped taking that as of yesterday morning, and in the afternoon, called mom cause the chest pain was back again.  Granted, the Lexapro could potentially still be in my system, but at that point, mom was just like, “You know what, I want you to stop taking the Neurontin too, until we can see the doctor and see what he thinks.”  So now I’m back to having unmanaged anxiety and pain… but at least I don’t feel like at every turn I make I could push myself too hard and end up screwing up my heart.

Heart disease exists in my family history on both sides.  So I’m pretty much fucked either way.

But yeah… I’m sorry I was absent for awhile… and off the grid for a week straight… I was just mostly resting, and stuck in bed dealing with symptoms.  Dizziness, nausea, my mind was so foggy half the time I’d have the idea, “I need to log in tonight for xyz,” and then 5 minutes later I’d forget I even thought about it… I swear it was like a long-weekend-long taste of what dementia must feel like.

And it was terrible.

WhoYouAre1FINAL

*~* It’s Ok Not To Be Ok… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Layla Skin (Caramel Tone) || Alterego
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Natural Pupil) || IKON
Hair: Effie (Black Pack) || Amacci
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.4) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
Freckles: Odd Beauty Freckles || Besom (formerly Milk)
Lipstick: Geisha Lip (Noir) || Alterego
Gown: AW_Coll_Ball Gown #18 || Ashmoot || FAD Cycle #7
Headpiece: Ezrah Crown || aisling || The Secret Affair
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries
Necklace: Ezrah Necklace || aisling || The Secret Affair
Tattoo: Creed || White Widow || Peace On Earth 8 Hunt Gift

Pose (photo 1): Choupie 6 || Posesion
Pose (photo 2): Delicate 10 || Posesion

Location: Driftwood Valley Estates

Blogging Tune: “Who You Are” Jordan Smith (Jessie J Cover)

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