My room feels so small
These walls are closing in and there’s no door
I’m out of space I’ve been washed out, washed out
I’m running from myself
Losing focus I’ve been washed out, washed out
Yeah, I’ve been going through hell…
“Beware of the One that slaps you with one hand then strokes you with the other. Addicted to creating chaos. Raising you up, only to cut you down. The best thing you can do is wash away the past and start afresh.” A quote from an image that one of the Pages I follow on Facebook shared tonight – and that was what made me sit down to write tonight instead of putting this post off until tomorrow. That, and this damned song.
Awhile back, I was very open about the mental health struggles that I deal with on a daily basis, when I was discussing a situation in which I was discriminated against for these mental health struggles. P/people knew what I was going through – or they claimed to – and still decided to make the decision to exclude me based on things associated with those struggles.
Sounds like a wonderful group of P/people, eh? I used to think so. The sun rose and set in my mind when these P/people said it did. I thought they were friends – I thought they were family. I devoted every last spare bit of my time and energy to furthering their goals and desires.
And in the end, I was just shut out. No warning. No discussion. Nothing. Just suddenly, “Nope, fuck you.” And the person that I had thought I was closest to was the one who delivered the blow.
I think that hurt more than the blow itself. And they knew it would. But they didn’t care. I’m convinced they never actually did.
So ‘family’ and ‘community’ are really fucked up concepts for me. Vulnerability with other P/people is really difficult, because who’s to say it won’t happen again? H/humans are absolutely awful to each other, and what reason do I have to believe that T/they won’t be awful to me again?
I don’t, really. I’m supposed to just have faith that T/they won’t, but having faith in P/people is a bit of a bitch.
And I don’t do it very well. In fact, I spend most of my time getting in my own way.
And I don’t really know how to… stop doing that.
Who knows, maybe I never will.
But I’m going to do my damnedest to ‘wash away the past and start afresh’. Wish me luck.
Shape || Mine
Head || EvoX Briannon Head (v3.0) | Lelutka
Skin || Briana Skin (Honey Tone) | Heaux | N21 | new!
* Hair || Vigil (Red HUD) | Stealthic
* Top || Love Lock Top | Blueberry | The Inithium Event | new!
* Jeans || Love Lock Highwaist Jeans | Blueberry | The Inithium Event | new!
Blogging Tune || “Overthinking” – Zoe Wees