Posted in Events, Life, New Releases

Confession .325. Clearly I’m The One They’re Afraid Of…

They’re droppin like flies whenever i’m around
So used to goodbyes, there’s comfort in the sound
Maybe i’m the Monster that’s been here all along…

Confession .325.  Clearly I'm The One They're Afraid Of...

Imposter Syndrome. i’m sure a lot of you have heard of it, but that’s what i want to chat about today.

It’s been brought to my attention lately that i charge far too little for the things that i do professionally in SL – most notably, my choreography. (This doesn’t extend to troupe dancing. When we create acts for dance shows, we know we’re ‘working’ for tips. This refers specifically to contracted jobs for other groups/individuals.)

And the more that i sat back and thought about it, i think i do that for two reasons:

First, i don’t upload lindens. That’s just not a place i’m at in RL. Call me a broke bitch if you want to, but i keep my inventory stocked and my avatar up to date with lindens that i make by working my ass off in SL. For that reason, i have a different evaluation for the value of lindens than other people, i think. For example, i charged a certain amount of lindens for a project recently. To me, it’s a lot, because that is several breedable auctions worth of selling things… several months with of tips from dance shows… etc. But for someone who can spare the less than $40USD, it might not be a big deal.

The people who tell me i’m underselling myself are doing so out of love. It’s not malicious, it’s not mean, it’s not telling me that i’m bad at the business end of what i do. They care and they’re looking out for me and want to make sure i’m getting paid what my work and my time is worth. Just wanted to drop that in here before anyone tries to come for any of the people looking out for me. Especially because they are who help me combat the second reason i think i charge what i do…

i’ve always suffered from Imposter Syndrome, even before i knew what it was called. And no, it’s not another medical or mental condition to add to the myriad of others y’all have learned about me over the last month or so, but just a general feeling that i am not as good as other people think i am.

And that’s likely the perfectionist in me. Even in that last project i mentioned earlier, when the performance itself was actually going down, i noticed one of the center girls had much longer legs than i did, so she stepped into one of the stairs a couple of times and it threw the whole performance off for me. Like i should’ve paid more attention during the rehearsal runthroughs. Meanwhile, the ladies loved it, the Founder loved it, and the people who watched seemed to enjoy it as well.

But it wasn’t perfect. Therefore it wasn’t good enough for me.

i give that evaluation to others as well when i see what they do/can do. It’s not that i can’t do the same things, but that at times for a project, none of those things even enter my mind. My brain is so dance-focused that i don’t think about all the other cosmetic bullshit that takes away from the dance. And sure, sometimes that preserves the integrity of the routine, but other times it leaves me feeling like i could’ve given them more and i didn’t.

So i worry about charging ‘too much’, when i always wind up wondering if i gave them enough to cover what they paid.

All this to say… Imposter Syndrome is a bitch. But i’m getting there. i’m learning to value my work again, and i’m adjusting accordingly. ♥

Shape || Mine
Body || Legacy Body (v1.3) | The Shops/The Mesh Project
* Shirt || Aurora Top | Vagrant
Tattoo || Leah Tattoo | DAPPA
* Headdress || Wilder Headdress | Cinphul | Aenigma | new!

Pose || Pure 1 (curve) | Stun Poses

Location || Home

Blogging Tune || “Monster” – Gabbie Hanna

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