Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a Man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck…
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day, til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine…
Finally back to myself a bit after an unexpected 5-day stint in the hospital, followed by some intense antibiotics at home. i’m sorry it’s been awhile, but i’m going to work to play a bit of catch-up now that i can function even with the side effects. (i’ll take dizziness and nausea from oral antibiotics over having to stay in the hospital on IV stuff, tbh.)
Before anyone asks, yes, this is on my list of things to dance eventually. Lol. Y/you already knew. i wasn’t trying to get in my feelings with this song tonight – really, i wasn’t. You can tell from the way the photo was uh… well, look it’s kinky as fuck. Lol. But then this song happened…
i came to a realization recently that i don’t think i had truly thought about. Whether it’s because i wasn’t letting myself think about it, or because i just genuinely never thought about it… but it’s been probably about 2 years since i’ve been in a dynamic where the Dominant genuinely cares about the Control aspect of D/s.
i mean… there was the False Prophet… however, Control and Abuse are two separate things – as are Sadism and Abuse. But that’s a story for another day.
i feel like i lost a bit of myself and my submission over the past couple of years. Because i was just so used to having to function on my own – whether i was Owned or not, i was always just kinda left to my own devices. To the point that the other day, i asked Someone about participating in a project with me and when His reply was, “Sure, if it’s ok with Bill,” i cocked an eyebrow for a minute. It genuinely took me a minute to realize i had approached a Dominant for assistance in a project without consulting my Dominant first. Like… that that’s not a thing that happens in regular D/s relationships.
That my Dominant would care about what i was doing, and would like to be consulted. Just never crossed my mind.
And what does that say about the state of my submission? i’ve honestly been wrestling with that thought a lot lately. i am hoping that once i just… get used to… being in a situation where He cares for that kind of thing, i will re-acclimate myself to acquiescence in the manner that i’m used to/desire in a dynamic. And then W/we can establish if i’m expecting too much of Him. But how can He know if i expect to much if i have, to this point, not expected much of anything…
… if i’ve been so used to not receiving anything in return for the effort that i put in that i just haven’t held Him to any kind of standard. Like i’m not worth a standard.
Now, don’t get me wrong, He’s a wonderful Man. And it’s what makes me want to return… not completely to my former self, because i have made great strides in other areas of weakness of mine from that time… but to return to that submissive woman that i was on my way to becoming then.
“She is gone, but she used to be mine.” And maybe she can become mine again.
Shape || Mine
Head || Genus Baby Face W001 (v1.6) | Genus Project
Body || Freya Body Full BENTO (v5.0) | Belleza
– There is a 5.2 update that i know about, i just haven’t grabbed it or anything yet. But if you haven’t updated to 5.2, you might want to.
Skin || Lucy Skin (Tone 008) | Glam Affair | Uber | new!
Lipstick || Carmine Lipstick | LERONSO Skin | group gift!
– Currently, for a limited time, the group is free to join. She’s also just done an update to her body skin, and there are a couple of group gift head applier skins, so i would definitely encourage giving it a look-see.
Hair || Jenna Hair (Deluxe HUD) | Doux | Dubai Event | new!
Lingerie || Georgine Lingerie | Ricielli | Kinky Event | new!
Harness&Cuffs || Aleriah Harness Set (Classic Pack) | Vanilla Bae | Kinky Event | new!
* Heels || Colene Buckle Sandals | Gos Boutique | Uber | new!
* Collar || Nightfall Descent | [Tethered] BDSM
Chair&Pose || Vanilla Chair | Embody | Kinky Event | new!
– This chair/pose set is for sale in the same booth as Vanilla Bae at the current round of the Kinky Event. It was made to specifically work with this cuffs/harness set. The cuff set even includes other chain configurations for each of the 4 bento poses included in the chair. If you want to use your own chair, the poses are also boxed separately in your purchase.
Skybox || Nouveau Apartment | %anxiety
* Windows || Glass and Wood Wall (part of Endless Love set) | Fapple
* Bed || Endless Love Maledom Bed | Fapple
– There is a Femdom version also available separately!
* Bench || Endless Love Spanking Bench | Fapple
* Nightstands || Endless Love Nightstand | Fapple
* Statue || Endless Love | Fapple
Location || “The Suite” @ Xaara
– My usual disclaimer about Xaara applies: It’s a gorgeous sim, and it encourages the arts, so you are welcome to come, explore, take photos, etc. but please remember this is a Community, so please be respectful when you’re here. This specific location is one of the new public roleplay spaces, so try to be cognizant of A/anyone who might be utilizing the space before Y/you come up to take pictures.
Blogging Tune || “She Used To Be Mine” – Sara Bareilles