Posted in Access, Events, Level Event, Life, New Releases

Confession .251. But It Was Your Game That Left Scars…

i’m over You and i don’t need Your lies no more
Cause the truth is without You, boy, i’m stronger
And i know You said i changed with my cold heart
But it was Your game that left scars
Ooo, i’m over You…

Confession .251.  But It Was Your Game That Left Scars...

Have Y/you ever felt like no matter what kind of effort Y/you make, it will never been good enough?  Y/you’ll just never be ‘at home’ amongst a group of P/people, despite T/them priding T/themselves on being so ‘open’ and ‘welcoming’?  Yeah… me either…

Here’s the thing about me… 9 times out of 10, when something doesn’t go right, or at the very least how i expect it to go, i will immediately internalize and look for what *i* did wrong to fuck it up.  (Does this sound familiar?  i feel like i’ve mentioned this tendency here before… if so, sorry for repeating myself…)

i am more likely to blame myself than i am to blame S/someone else.

But at this point, after awhile, there comes a point in time where Y/you have looked at every possible thing Y/you can… Y/you have grown in every area Y/you feel Y/you could… and while Y/you are nowhere near perfect, because N/nobody ever is… Y/you find that Y/you are no closer to ‘belonging’ than Y/you were from the start…

Perhaps this is yet another group seeing just how much T/they can get from me before i finally realize i don’t belong there…

Right when i met a friend of mine, the more she got to know me, the more she saw a bit of my nature and she made a comment that i initially laughed off, but i’ve been giving more thought to lately.   She told me, “You have the perfect skillset for an enslaved sim manager.”  i laughed.  And she said that was how she was before her Master found her… she was working with the owner of the sim she was a part of at the time, and the Sim benefited from her service without a promise of more for her… and at the time she thought she was content, because she feels her submission the most in helping P/people.  Like i do.  So she got to help P/people, and the sim got to benefit from her service without ever having to eventually provide her with more… a collar, a relationship… none of it…

i think i have unknowingly found myself in this situation… not that i manage the sim, because i don’t.  But i would throw myself into anything asked of me… to the benefit of E/everyone else in that community… except me.

And to this day, i think i would still do it if asked.  But i don’t actually feel appreciated there.  i don’t actually feel like a part of this ‘family’ that has developed in this sim.  And i don’t think that will ever change.  Because they don’t want it to.  They are more than content allowing me to be the workhorse without having any desire to actually befriend me, treat me well, or get close to me.

And up until this point i was stupid enough to think that friendships i’d developed here were genuine.  But the more i pull away from the community the more i see the reality that no one there cares… not a single one.  Not even P/people i brought there.  No one checks in.  No one asks.  No one makes the effort.

So i just pull away further.

Today or tomorrow i will be speaking with the Owner about how i’m feeling… and i don’t know how that will go… but i’m just sick of letting P/people play games with me.  i’m sick of not being seen… not being welcome… not being cared about from a group of P/people i thought were my friends.

Lately i spend more and more times HIDING from that sim than i do anything else.  And i can’t do that anymore.

Wish me luck?  ♥

Shape || Mine
Head || Genus Head Baby Face W001 (v1.6) | Genus Project
Body || Lara Body (v4.1) | Maitreya
Skin || Alison Skin (Tone 007) | Glam Affair | Access | recent!
* Hair || Willow Unrigged (Misc) | Stealthic
Tattoo || Kanari Tattoo (Faded) | Dappa
* Romper || Ana Romper | Consent | Level Event | new!
Collar || Simone Bow Collar | RealEvil Industries
Rings || Ouija Rings Set | Yummy
* Bag || Rafia Bag Red (Rhand) | Tentacio | Level Event | new!

* Pose || Insta 3 (m) | Hello Gorgeous | Level Event | new!
– The bag on the right hand modified the right arm position.  Nothing else was ‘edited’ in this pose.

Location || Backdrop City

Blogging Tune || “Don’t Call Me Up” – Mabel

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