Posted in Events, FaMeshed, Hair Fair 2018, Life, New Releases, Poetry, Uber

Confession .215. I’m Laying In The Shirt You Used To Like…

Is she the one that I couldn’t be for You?
Is she the one?
Mm, I hate that You’re the one that I never get over
That I wanna get closer to…

Confession .215.  I'm Laying In The Shirt You Used To Like...

Today I want to share another one of my poems from the Beyond the Rainbow event that was hosted by Beta Omega Iota back on September 22nd.  The event was LGBT-focused, and so I began with my story of my sexuality in mind when I started writing and… well… you can see the turn it took…

(Original work by Harmony – written 9/22/18)

I remember the day I learned my mother wouldn’t disown me for telling her I wasn’t straight.
It was Festival time and when she thought I was there with my friend I told myself I was on a date.
And she was beautiful.

But when I went to seek shelter from the blaze of an early October’s day, to my dismay, I couldn’t find my mother anywhere.
It’s not like her to worry me.
“Oh, they’re still at your sister’s wedding.”

That day mom thought she was teaching me what a ‘lesbian’ was, because I sat there stunned, but the fear of being shunned just slowly melted away.
She couldn’t accept my sister and hate me, right?
Sure, pansexual isn’t the same, but neither are straight. Neither are the perfect little Christian daughter mom wanted to believe I was.

But still the rest of the fear didn’t go away.

The first time I cut myself on purpose, I was overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed… with constant worry over what other people would think.
Overwhelmed… with the possibility of not being loved by the ones I so desperately wanted to love me.
Overwhelmed… with the nightmares that kept playing and playing and playing, over and over in the faded tapestry of my brain.
Overwhelmed… with the petrifying fear that none of these feelings would go away.
Overwhelmed… with questions.
And in a sick, twisted irony… overwhelmed with what these new scars would do to me.

You see….

I could sit here and show you my scars.
Each hesitation mark from the starts when I didn’t think I could go through with it a stark contrast with the gashes from the times I didn’t think I could stop.
I could show you my pain.
But would you care, or would you walk away?

The day she pulled up my sleeve and stared at me trying to conceive what would make me want to bleed like that was a day I’ll never forget.
She didn’t look at me for a week.
But by then, I craved release, and it had become a need.
It might have been the only thing saving me.

You see…

If this was my salvation, then I was in Hell, but who’s to say I didn’t go willingly?
This was my reverie AND my battlecry.

We’re taught when we’re young that you’re not strong until you fight.
You’re not brave until you go to war.
But what happens when that war only exists inside?
Heroes are praised with standing ovations and yet the deep devastation merely the smallest annotation in my life’s story. Without a scar to prove what had been done to me.

So I made one. To make sure they would see.
See me.

You see…

The last time I cut myself on purpose? I made a promise to myself and to others I would never let my mind take me to that place again. That place where I destroy my body to make a point.
Where I warp my mind to prove I can be just like them.
I don’t have to be the crazy one, the bi one, the imperfect one.
The demon, the sinner, the heathen.
I can MAKE myself be who they want me to be… but would I be happy?
Do I need to be happy?
Do they want me to be happy?
Or do they want me to be ‘right’?

But what is ‘right’? Who is ‘right’?
I’m not gay enough or straight enough to truly take a side.
If acceptance means belonging then do I just withdraw and hide
In a world that doesn’t see me as anything?

You see…

We’re taught when we’re young that you’re not strong until you fight.
You’re not brave until you go to war.
But I’ve seen war first-hand inside of my head and it’s not an experience I would wish on anyone.
Your scars might be invisible, but the wounds run deep and continue to bleed until the whole river runs red.
And it’s in those moments I wonder how I’m not dead – not that they would miss the problem child.

So I make them. I make them see.
See me.
You see…
I’m just the bent, broken branch of my family tree.

Shape || Mine
Body || Lara Body (v4.1) | Maitreya
Skin || Miranda Skin (Mixedtype Tone) | Deetalez
Hair || Layla Hair (Browns) | Phoenix Hair | Hair Fair 2018 | new!
* Top || Gracey’s Shrug | Cynful | FaMESHed (opens 10/1) | new!
* Jeans&Boots || Frank Jeans & Boots | Blueberry | recent!
– I blogged the sweater that Addams made for this collaboration separately a week or so ago when they came out, but I promised I’d show you Blueberry’s gorgeous jean and boots.  I’m a self-admitted barefoot hippie, however even I’ve been running around in these boots all day after taking and editing this photo last night.  I LOVE them.  And of course I’m always a sucker for a good pair of Blueberry jeans.  ♥

Seat, Pose, & Mug Prop || Cozy Bento Pose Set | FoxCity | Uber | new!

Location || Xaara
– This is a public sim, however, it is a Lifestyle sim and not a photography sim.  So please, if you choose to visit, make sure you are respectful of all others on the sim.  ♥

Blogging Tune || “I Wanna Know” – NOTD ft. Bea Miller

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