Posted in Events, Frou Frou, Hair Fair 2018, Life, New Releases

Confession .214. Why Am I Doing This To Myself?

Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It’s ok not to be ok!
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising
Just be true to who you are!

Confession .214.  Why Am I Doing This To Myself?

“I forgot what to do to fit the mould.  The more I try, the less it’s working, cause everything inside me screams, ‘No no no no no no no no no!'”

“This isn’t me.  Why am I letting it be?
Why do I feel like I’m trying to deceive myself and believe You could ever be… pleased.

You asked me what it means – to be pleasing.
Was it the meaning that you seek or more placation, make me stay away from – heaven forbid – getting closer to You?
I told You from the start – follow Your heart – but most of all be honest.
Honest with me if we ever could move beyond friendly, but here I sit on the end of Your string just stumbling along, and tell me how is that fair to me?

This isn’t me.”

That’s the beginning of a piece I’ve been toying with for a couple of days, and every time I sit down to work on it, I have to stop myself.  Like… if I just wait, maybe this feeling isn’t true.  Maybe I’m fabricating it for myself as an excuse to give up and run.  Right?  It would be pretty on par for me.

But when those closest to me see the red flags to, and wonder why I ‘put up with it’… I’m forced to look deeper.

Never before would I accept someone stringing me along the way I have been.  And today I finally saw it for what it seems to be – my ex all over again.  When I last talked about Him, I admitted that I got a point where I felt like walking away long before He disappeared… I would get to the point I couldn’t do the ‘being distant’ from me when He was right here… I couldn’t deal with it.  But then He would come back and remind me of just how… good… it could be when we were just there together and could focus in the moment.

That’s exactly what happened today.

I knew – in my heart of hearts – this won’t work… I knew I couldn’t handle hours between replies, zero focus… and it’s not like I ask for much… just a few moments to have a conversation without feeling like I’m talking to the wall behind my computer monitor… and then we could both go on about our busy SL… but even asking for that feels like too much.

And don’t get me started on vague and cryptic.  I can’t.  I just can’t.

And maybe that’s defeatist, and I will gladly take the blame fully on myself and carry it with me, but I can’t conscious make the choice to keep trying when I don’t feel wanted.  When the effort doesn’t feel returned.  I have been in SL almost 10 years now, all together, and I sadly have more than just the most recent experience of being in a one-sided exchange.  I can’t do it again.

I can’t be made to feel like when I ask for the smallest thing that it must be qualified with a “but…”

“I’d like to spend time with You… but… I understand if You’re busy.”  “I’d love to invite You to this thing… but… I understand if it’s not Your thing.”

And sure, You can tell me that I’m putting worries on You that You don’t have… but that’s ME.  I worry.  I worry about being the burden… I worry about fucking it up and saying or doing the wrong thing.  And the more I care for someone the MORE I worry, because the more there is to lose.  That’s just ME.

And I need someone who is prepared to deal with me.  Not spending the little time They talk to me telling me why who I am is wrong.  I’m not wrong.  Not completely, anyway.  It’s impossible that EVERYTHING about me is wholly wrong.

Maybe I’m just wrong for You.

Shape || Mine
Body || Lara Body (v4.1) | Maitreya
Skin || Miranda Skin (Mixedtype Tone) | Deetalez
* Lipstick || Essential (Reds) | Pink Fuel | former Powder Pack release
Hair || Kammy (Browns) | Pr!tty | Hair Fair 2018 | new!
* Bra&Panties || Cepheus Lingerie | AsteroidBox | Frou Frou | recent!
Facial Piercings || Bento Piercing Set 03 | Suicidal Unborn
Necklaces || Love Necklaces | AvaWay
Belly&Thigh Chains || Raksha Body Jewelry | Zaara
Nails&Rings || Elektra Rings & Nails | RealEvil Industries

Pose || Portrait 3 | FoxCity

Location || Private Region

Blogging Tune || “Who You Are” – Jessie J

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