My brain is poisoned and I’m searching for the antidote
But every time I find it
My defenses scream, “Oh no you don’t!”
Those of you who know how much I relate to music and follow my Facebook may have seen this particular post coming.
On August 1st, Gabbie Hanna (TheGabbieShow) released a Youtube Video called “Roast Yourself Harder Challenge (Diss Track!!!!!)” framing the video as another attempt at her ‘roast yourself challenge’ video now that she had more fuel for her self-disses. But about 2 minutes and 30 seconds in… it gets real… and deep… and dark. And while she’s describing her relationship with the Youtube Sphere and being a social media influencer, I find that it screams my heart for what it’s like to be a blogger in SL. So today’s post will be the lyrics from that point onward… and the video will be embedded below for you to listen to the whole thing if you want. I heavily recommend it… it’s crazy good.
Overwhelmed, overworked, overpaid.
I’m on top of the world, sittin’ pretty on a stack, but the static still cracks in my veins. At the bottom of the Universe, I’m feelin’ all the weight. People die for this, people lie for this. People suck and fuck some guy for this. Pay the toll for this, sell their soul for this. Play my part, but what’s my role in this? I’m not built for this, all the guilt in this, and I don’t think I can deal with this. I’m too old for this. Gonna fold from this. People starving and I get gold for this?
You all chalk me up as some whiny fuck who’s stressed by success like, “My life sucks.” I get it. I know it’s such a conundrum: I get what I want, but I can’t have much fun with it.
It’s not the fame of the money I’m yearnin’; I don’t give a fuck about what I’ve been earnin’. But each day I wake up more blessed that I’m learnin’ of ALL of these people I’m the LEAST to deserve it. I don’t deserve it.
I try to be perfect; I’ll never be perfect.
I’m not worth it.
Keep lookin’ for answers; I swear I’ve been searchin’, but I keep comin’ up short. And I give up quick. Cause if I found it, I think I’d be scared of it.
You don’t see the scene that’s behind the screen, and I urge you all to be aware of it. It’s an interesting dichotomy of monetized sincerity. Stir up my insecurity with constant uncertainty. Generation of anxiety, the “look at me” society, dubiety of piety, the Gods all suffer silently.
I’m sorry for my obsession with attention. I have an ungodly fear of rejection.
My apprehension and objection is the viral infection of dollars and followers in place of affection. What I need is a HUMAN connection. Not blue light and a foggy reflection of my misconception of my own perception; a result of too much introspection.
They find my disinterest interesting, my depression a funny thing. My decline is relatable. People love that I hate myself. Yeah, they love that I hate myself.
People love that I hate myself. People love that I hate myself. PEOPLE LOVE THAT I HATE MYSELF.
I climbed out of my head and watched myself implode. A thought without a body oughta be a shot to take a load off. My brain is poisoned and I’m searching for the antidote, but every time I find it my defenses scream, “Oh no you don’t!”
Woah… but it’s fine.
No, really I’m fine.
It’s just a matter of time. You’ll lose your mind and not be fine from time to time.
I’m not crazy, but I feel crazy all of a sudden. In a city, never seein’ snow or rain or leaves in autumn, lose yourself in seasons, not remembering that you forgot ’em. Knocking on my door, I can’t confront ’em so I lock them… out. But, I don’t mind.
No, I really don’t mind.
Cause, believe it or not, it feels good to be forgot from time to time. So forget me. And please, God, forgive me if you feel a touch underwhelmed by all my overwhelming negativity.
Who am I, and when? When’s my work day end and where does me begin? Are these my colleagues or my friends? On a scale of 10 to 1, do you hate who I’ve become? Cause I hate who I’ve become.
I’m sorry for who I’ve become.
Shape || Mine
Body || Freya Body (v5.0) | Belleza
Skin || Lisa Skin (Sun Tan Tone) | Studio Exposure
Hair || Livia Hair (Multitone 1) | Truth Hair | Uber | new!
* Dress || Leanne Dress | Just Because | recent!
Forehead Jewel & Septum || Indira Face Jewelry | Swallow
Collar || Anya Collar | Salt & Pepper
Armband || Anabella Set | RealEvil Industries | FaMESHed | new!
– This set comes with 2 armbands, 2 Anklets, and a necklace fitted for Belleza (all bodies), Maitreya, and Slink (HG & Physique). The necklace is unrigged, and the anklets fit only each body’s “High” feet.
Rings || Fruiti Tutti Ring Set | Yummy | Collabor88 (July Round)
– This set should still be available for a few more days at Collabor88. Keep in mind, they close down on the 7th to re-open for the new round on the 8th.
Pose & Prop || Violin Bento Pose 2 (w/ violin and bow included) | Reve Obscura | recent!
Location || Baja Norte
Blogging Tune || “Roast Yourself Harder Challenge (Diss Track!!!)” – Gabbie Hanna