First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What’s gonna kill you is the second part
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle…
Fourth, you’re gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth is when you admit, you may have fucked up a little…
First of all, someone please explain to me how I shot and edited this photo drunk and it still looks better than most of the other photos I’ve done lately. *Chuckles*
Also, I’ve blogged this song before… years ago… with that exact chorus up at the top of the post. Not sorry.
Anyway… I’ve been going through something the last couple days that I promised people I’d try to unpack here in this post. If RL issues aren’t something you’re here to read about, or if you’re triggered by severe illness stories, then I’ll see you next time. To everyone else… hi…
I think I’ve talked to you guys about my Elementary School best friend whom I reunited with in high school? The boy I was heels-over-head crushed on… lol. I may have even called him my ‘first love’, because he was, in fact, the first boy I loved, despite him never feeling the same way in return.
Tonight, I need to talk to you about the first boy who loved me back.
My college had a Christian organization on campus (I know… it might seem weird to some of you who only know me in SL… but I used to be a good, Christian kid…) called Christian Campus House. It was part of the “His House” network of campus organizations in Michigan colleges. We were the only organization outside of Michigan that still participated in the retreats and other things of that nature, but as such, I got to meet a lot of Michigan students and participate in activities that were primarily His House.
One of those programs was called Ministry to the Point. MtP, or MttP, depending who you were.
Basically, we were a group of college-age missionaries working at Cedar Point in Ohio over the summer, and we were committed to ministering to our co-workers. We went as a group, all of us had separate jobs, and we balanced working with ministry with regular ‘church’ activities together as a group and community service outside of work. It truly was a pretty awesome experience, all things considered.
I participated the summer after my Freshman year of college. That’s when I met him. Let’s call him T. (Just in case anyone from my RL finds my blog, ever. Lol.)
Originally T was a guy that was interested in my friend B. They both went to the same college, which wasn’t my college, but was another college with a His House group. Both B and T were coming to MttP the same summer I was, and B and I really hit it off. Like, she was easily one of my best friends in the group before we event met at the pre-MttP retreat. B was the first person who mentioned T to me… and she mentioned him as a boy that was pursuing her, but that they were taking their time, and that they had committed to not beginning a relationship during our ministry. They would wait until the Fall. However, within our first week at Cedar Point, B got really homesick. Like… *really* homesick. So much so, she went home.
Around that same time, T and a couple of other guys I’d met at the pre-MttP retreat and gotten close to, friendship-wise, R and J… all hit it off really well. I would learn later in the summer that they each struggled with their own individual issues in regards to their sexuality, but that doesn’t come into play yet.
T and I were friends, and we were in the same small group for bible study and stuff, but I’d met him as “B’s future guy”, so I didn’t really think about that. However, being one of the only Christians that T, R, and J knew that was open and accepting of people who were questioning whether or not they were straight, the three of them came to me whenever they were struggling with questions or feelings or issues, and the four of us got super close over that kind of bonding.
This was the summer my fling/ex from Cedar Point assaulted me. But I don’t think, even to this day, I’ve told T about it.
Fast forward to the Fall after we all leave Cedar Point. T and B get together… but it wasn’t, like… the blissful thing they’d both expected it to be, I guess? They just realized they weren’t exactly suited for each other… and T came to me, talking to me about it, and then also admitted he’d developed feelings for me.
Now, I’d developed feelings for him too, but B was my friend. I had to talk to her first… and I was about as awkward as most of you can imagine I’d be… but ultimately I got her blessing. In fact, later that year, she dropped out and moved to Ohio to be with a man she met online, got married, and went on to be super happy. So, it ultimately wasn’t too bad for her. But I just didn’t want her to feel slighted. Girl code and all, you know?
The Fall Retreat of my Sophomore year of college came, and he officially asked me to be in a relationship, and I said yes. It was a bit of alone time orchestrated by a lot of our friends from MttP… lol… and by that point most of them were like, “Finally!” I guess they saw stuff before we did, but we had to go through our own process.
This still isn’t the story… sorry… lol.
After that semester, I transferred to a school that didn’t have CCH or HH… but we tried to make it work. And we did… for a year or so after that. Then I was stupid. Long distance relationship paired with monogamy just left me feeling lonely. Even though I wasn’t comfortable enough to be a sexual person when I was physically with someone (as opposed to just “RP’ing” online), I still cheated. Emotional cheating… and non-sexual acts that are still physical… to me is still cheating. And I did. I was so damned lonely, but that wasn’t any excused. I felt like an asshole… and I admitted to him what I’d done.
We broke up.
But from then, he was always kinda “the one that got away”. So most of the time I’m super distant from him. We still keep in touch.. my mother, and even my step-dad, absolutely loved him. I loved his mom. She got sick the last couple years, so we stay in touch about her and how she’s doing, and about life in general.
Saturday, I was randomly missing him, and hadn’t heard about his mom in awhile, so I logged in to my RL Facebook to poke him. He’d recently begun working with programming Robots, which was the part of Engineering I was always into the most, in high school, so I asked him about that. I asked him about the weather, if he was getting any of the snow that I was seeing pictures of from Indiana and Illinois. Since he’s still in Michigan.
Then I asked, “How’s everything else going?”
I got a brief update on his mom, that she’s doing much better and about to start Physical Therapy. And then he added, like it was no big deal, “Also, I was diagnosed with Polycythemia Vera, but I’m getting a second opinion.”
Now… I’m only a Medical Assistant, education wise, so diseases are not my strong suit. I’m in a drive-thru line, so I Google it briefly. It’s blood cancer. And I just kinda… froze. First of all… T has cancer, and was so nonchalant about it… and secondly… T has cancer.
Some of you that know me, know that I grapple with what I believe, spiritually. I was a good Christian kid at one point, and I so desperately want to believe that there’s a God somewhere… but sometimes I just watch bad shit happen to good people and I don’t get it. So I fall back on Karma… but even Karma doesn’t explain this to me. The Universe has this one all wrong… this man is the kindest person I know… the most loving… he cares for his family, his friends… he puts everyone before himself, always. He’s a good man of God too, as I said on Facebook when I eluded to what this post was going to contain.
So someone explain to me, please, how this amazing man… has cancer.
Now, he mentioned a second opinion. So here I am in the drive-thru line – suddenly with no appetite – and I’m asking him why the second opinion. “Were the results inconclusive, or are you just in denial?” It probably came across more harshly than I meant for it to. But he humored me and continued the conversation anyway. His doctor doesn’t explain anything… hell, anything that he knows about PV, he had to learn through his own research. His doctor also won’t discuss alternative options with him. He’s got him on meds to reduce the red blood cell count, and he’s pushing chemo.
T is literally only one day older than me. He doesn’t want chemo at his age. The risks are too much. And he is afraid that agreeing to chemo will take away his chances at potentially having a family some day, something he still really wants.
Which hit me harder than I think he meant it to. Granted, at this point, I don’t think he knows that I kinda think of him as ‘the one that got away’… and he also didn’t know that I’ve been grappling with the ‘family’ idea since my diagnosis with PCOS and putting off getting the tests done to see if I have any eggs left, and thus any chance at children of my own some day. So now here I am in this damn drive-thru crying like an idiot… T has cancer, and he’s brought up a family and kids… he might have to have chemo… and he’s discussing a second opinion… “the best in the state”, because his insurance will cover it.
Like… it suddenly starts to hit me just how serious this is. And it’s hitting me like it’s my significant other with cancer… when really he’s not. I have no ‘claim’ over him… but at the same time, to my knowledge, he’s not had another serious relationship since us. So part of that feeling is still there for me. That connection still hits me in the back of my mind every so often. And it’s coming across full force in this moment when we’re talking about options.
I make him promise me… that when he finds a doctor that will listen to his concerns, and will discuss his alternatives with him… that whatever that doctor decides, he’ll do it… even if it’s chemo. That he’ll trust that this doctor who’s listened to him and talked him through everything, will ultimately be making decisions that take as many of his concerns into consideration as possible, but also will give him the best chance at as normal a life and long a life as he can have.
He promised he would.
But he shouldn’t even be in the position that he has to make that promise. He shouldn’t even be sick. I don’t understand, and I can’t handle it, mentally and emotionally right now… the thought of losing him to something like that, eventually.
So.. yeah. I’ve been freaking out the last 48 hours or so. And now you know why, if you’ve managed to read all almost 2,000 words of this. T has cancer. And I wish more than anything I could just take it from him… suffer for him. Because he doesn’t deserve it.
Shape || Mine
Head || Lona Bento Mesh Head (v3.0) | Catwa
Skin || Heidi Skin (Golden Tone) | L’Etre
* Hair&Hat || Parker with Cap (Multitone 1) | Truth & Lapointe and Bastchild | Uber | new!
* Top (Upper & Lower) || Lila Crop & Knot Tie Tops | Blueberry | new!
* Jeans || Lila Rolled Cuff Jeans | Blueberry | new!
Countertops || Plantation Counter (Rustic) | Apple Fall
Stove&Oven || Wide Stove (Cream) | Apple Fall
Pans || Copper Pan Stack | Apple Fall
Wall Rack || Pan Rack | Apple Fall
Bread || Sourbread Baguette | Apple Fall
Mixer || Copper Mixer | Apple Fall
Flowers || Nardyas’ Tulips in Mason Jar | Apple Fall
Rug || Patchwork Rug | Apple Fall
Pose || Bored 3 | K&S
Location || Home
Blogging Tune || “Six Degrees of Separation” – The Script