All the shine of a thousand spotlights
All the stars that we steal from the night sky
Will never be enough
Never be enough…
“I’m trying to hold my breath… let it stay this way… can’t let this moment end…”
I’m struggling. And the only thing I know to do when I’m struggling is to write about it… so you’re getting a bit of a glimpse into my head and my heart at the moment. If you don’t want that, then feel free to scroll to the end for credits and I’ll see you next time. ♥
To the rest of you, hi…
I have always had this debilitating fear of not being good enough. It didn’t really matter what scenario I was in… whether it was work, friendships, personal relationships… I had this voice that echoed in the back of my head that kept telling me I’d fuck SOMETHING up… no matter what it was. And while I didn’t full-on believe that voice, it was enough that it made me afraid that I WOULD mess something up… or, even worse, I just wouldn’t be good enough.
And the longer I’ve lived, the more intense that fear has become. Even when I’ve been shown some instances in my life where not being ‘enough’ isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Like poly, for instance. Just because I am not the only person Master needs to fulfill His needs… doesn’t make me bad at the needs I do fulfill for Him. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad slave, or a bad lover, or a bad future-wife. It just means that there are things His RL fulfills for Him that I can’t.
Logically, I understand that. I can wrap my brain around that. But sometimes, emotionally, I get to that point that I question whether I will stop fulfilling the needs I DO fulfill for Him. And then where does that leave me?
Sitting alone, staring out into the emptiness and wondering if I will ever be enough.
And the worst part of this is that some of you will read this and be like, “Well Deia, if He’s making you feel not good enough, then He’s not good for you!” But that’s the furthest thing from the truth. HE doesn’t make me feel this way. My own fucked up head… and my own fucked up heart… make me worry about these things… make me question these things. Make me constantly question whether I’m good enough.
For Him and in general.
And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come back with the answer, “Yes,” and fully, 100% believe myself. And that realization is… heartbreaking.
Shape || Mine
Head || Lona Bento Head (v3.0) | Catwa
Skin || Heidi Skin (Golden Tone) | L’Etre | recent!
* Hair || For the First Time (Browns) | Exile
* Top || Belina Mesh Crop Top | Rebel Hope | FaMESHed | new!
* Earrings || Tabitha Earrings | Elle Boutique | Monthly Midnight Madness (March 2018)!
Collar || Inked Collar | RealEvil Industries
Necklaces || Love Necklaces | AvaWay
Furniture & Landscaping provided by the sim location, though tomorrow I will go back and start to add some of the individual significant items.
Location || Elysion
Blogging Tune || “Never Enough” – Loren Allred (from The Greatest Showman)