And so it seems, I broke your heart
My ignorance has struck again
I failed to see it from the start
And tore you open til the end…
I didn’t intend for this, “What ___ feels like” to become a mini series on my blog. I only meant to show you guys how anxiety affects me, and how I personally handle my Asperger’s… however it seems that circumstances lately are begging for another to be written.
I also didn’t intend to blog this photo. There’s nothing new in here, except the skin, and you can’t really see the face detail to make that relevant. Haha. But I took it for a photo contest and really liked how it turned out… so I censored the breast area and figured it was as good a photo as any to write this particular post.
It’s a Tuesday, but it’s not just any Tuesday. I’d finally finished all the program work that I’d been working on to ‘promote’ to a new tag in a sim I hang out at, and I had a suspicion that because this was the first Gathering since I finished everything, that I would promote that night.
But to really understand what happened… we have to back up to Sunday.
Sunday was bad… for unspoken reasons I don’t want to get into, Sunday was a bad day. A bad night. A night that inspired a bit of drinking, which I don’t do often. Ok… by a bit, I mean enough to get drunk… however, again, I don’t drink often, so even that doesn’t really take much. Fast-forward to, like, 1 in the morning… I’m drunk and crying in Facebook to a friend of mine… and I come to a revelation that for some reason Sober-Deia wasn’t that concerned about, but it was the cornerstone of Drunk-Deia’s morning:
“He’s married. What the fuck am I doing to myself?”
I knew He was married from the very beginning. And He knew I was unmarried, but also a bit of a romantic… so RL marriage would be something I’d want to pursue EVENTUALLY. He always told me He didn’t want to get ‘in the way’ or ‘hold me back’ from pursuing something in RL if I wanted it… so He supported me poking around on dating apps, having a Fetlife profile, etc. He event worked with me on my RL Fetlife profile to be sure that the ‘relationships’ I listed were accurate of our situation but not a deterrent. He approved of everything I ever did, to take steps.
We always said that someday He knew I would have to move on. But after some of the relationships in my past? I was just happy being happy for once. And being GENUINELY happy… not just thinking I’m happy because of some kind of gaslighting from an abusive asshole. I was ACTUALLY happy, and that was good enough for me… it could’ve been good enough for me for years.
But Drunk-Deia was suddenly distressed. Why am I setting myself up to be hurt in the future?
So Monday evening… I decided I’d like to know where He stands. What He views us as, in terms of RL. Are we in an actual relationship that has a potential to grow, since His marriage is open? What is this. At first, He says He views us as only SL, and that that’s as far as it can go. Which… shocked me. But then when I asked if He viewed us as a long-distance RL relationship, He agreed, but said it wouldn’t become short-distance any time soon.
Which, ok… again… I’m fine with. I can be content where we are for a long time. I love Him… I love the time we get… He’s good to me… He’s helped me grow so much as both a person and as a slave. I’m perfectly fine with how things are, I just needed to know, I guess… for Drunk-Deia’s sanity.
Which brings us back to Tuesday.
Looking back, I should have known something was wrong. He was supposed to come back Monday night after dinner and bind me for awhile. A certain type of bondage in the right setting just… really centers me. And as stressed as I’d been with events set in motion from Sunday… I just needed that re-centering. And He knew that. He was supposed to come back.
And He never did.
And when I texted Him that He never came back.. He left me on ‘read’.
I really should have figured something was wrong.
But I didn’t. I was naive… and in love… and I thought things were great. So when He came online Tuesday afternoon, I was happy to see Him. I was upstairs in our home, changing clothes, experimenting with stuff in my recent folder. The usual, you know? I had no idea what was about to happen. He greeted me, like usual… but then He asked if we could talk when I had a moment.
I should have known THEN… where this was going… it was so typical. ‘We need to talk’ is literally every romantic tragedy trope screaming at me in the face… and yet, I didn’t suspect a damn thing. “Sure, my Master.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been so distant since last night. Something has been eating at the back of my mind like a tick.”
“What’s wrong, my Master?”
From there… it’s like… I wasn’t physically there. My fingers were typing, my eyes were reading, my brain was processing – I guess? – but it was like… I couldn’t control it. Everything was happening in muscle memory. It was like I couldn’t comprehend what He was saying. The anxiety that our relationship would “eventually” end… was weighing on Him too much… that He always knew it… but it wasn’t until we said it out loud Monday night that it really set in…
… But we’ve been saying it out loud since we discussed Him being married… usually it was Him saying it…
“Please don’t tell me you’re doing what it feels like you’re about to do…”
Even in that moment… my brain wanted to deny what was going on. Hell, HE even tried to deny what was going on. Said He wasn’t making any decisions… He was just talking… but His talking was very definitive. He was very sure of the direction He was going… like He’d made up His mind before the conversation even started.
And I suspect He had. Nothing I said or didn’t say would’ve changed what He was doing. Because, frankly, He wasn’t thinking about me at all.
And that’s the hard part… because He even said that He didn’t feel like our relationship was fair to me. That He didn’t feel like it was fair for Him to have some kind of claim over my SL, when the best He could offer me in RL was “maybe, someday”.
I think it was at this point that I realized He wasn’t just ‘talking’… that He’d made the decision and was just trying to somehow lighten the blow He was going to deliver to me. But there was no real way to lighten that. Like… how can you ‘lighten’ something that you KNOW will break the heart of someone that you claim to love? I’ll give You a hint, from experience… you can’t. It still destroys their world. It still makes them question EVERYTHING about the relationship and whether or not any of it was true.
And it still makes me view Him as a selfish sonofabitch.
Like… someone please explain to me… the anxiety of our relationship EVENTUALLY ending… because I will want more than He can give, in terms of RL… is weighing on HIS mind… and HE can’t take it. He ends the relationship to ease HIS mind… and then tries to hide behind “Oh, I’m just trying to be fair to you.” No, no You’re not… because I’m not ASKING You for anything You can’t give me right now.
I’m asking You to be here. With me. To love me, which You claim You do. To hold my leash. To keep me grounded. To set the protocols in our relationship and keep my ass in line with them. To be there when You can. That’s all I wanted… that would have made me perfectly happy for a long time. Hell, we were even doing the “SL wedding” thing… so… that even padded the hopeless romantic in me that wants to actually marry someone someday. We literally had everything I needed… and we were fine.
I didn’t need the relationship to end. So don’t act like You did it for me. You did it for Yourself.
And in the matter of less than an hour… He managed to turn what was supposed to be an amazing afternoon right before an evening I’ve worked my ass off for… into something that crumbled my world into 6,000,000 little pieces and then left me to pick them up on my own. I asked Him to leave my home, and not only did He do that, He logged out immediately afterwards. He then proceeded to IMMEDIATELY delete His Facebook… leaving me there alone.
Alone to deal with HIS wreckage. How “fair” is that being to me?
Does tearing my world apart sound more ‘fair’ to you than allowing me to be happy for whatever years we had? Yeah… I didn’t think so either.
Shape || Mine
Head || Chloe Bento Head (v3.0) | Lelutka
Skin || Victoria Skin (Nordic Tone) | DeeTalez | Uber | new!
Hair || Caralisa (Multitone 1) | Truth Hair
Cuffs&Blindfold || included in the menu of the Ballet Barre | Stockholm&Lima
Pose || from the Ballet Barre | Stockholm&Lima
Location || Xaara
– This is not a sim specifically for photography, though erotic art is heavily supported at Xaara. This is a D/s Lifestyle community, so please be aware if you’re going to visit, that you may encounter these themes throughout the community.
Blogging Tune || “Sorry” – Halsey