Posted in 4Mesh, Collabor88, Events, Fantasy Gacha Carnival, Powder Pack for Lelutka (November), ROMP

Confession .153. And It Mean Nothing Til You Let It…

And You say I drink and I smoke and I talk too much
But I know You lied when You said that You just had enough and save Yourself
So hear me out…

Confession .153.  And It Means Nothing Til You Let It...

“And You said need me to let this go, but it’s who I am.  Or am I just losing it?  Cause You said ‘Jump’ and I went first, but falling’s always been my downfall.”

This song.  Ugh.  It just punches me right in the feels.  So… I’m sorry if it punches you in the feels too.  *Nods lots*  Then again, most things that Eden and The Eden Project does know exactly how to drag you through a rollercoaster of emotions that you didn’t know you were going to feel for those 3 to 5 minutes.

It’s fucking tragically beautiful.

I’m having a moment.

Like… there are times when I don’t know why He’s with me.  Like… have you SEEN me?  Have you spent more than a couple hours in a room with me?  Have you had a sustained conversation with me over a period of a few days?  Like… I’m a god-damned mess most of the time, whether there’s a legitimate reason for it or not.  And He puts up with it.  He puts up with ALL of it.

He puts up with those metaphorical moments where I just want to beat my fists against His chest, knowing it’s not going to ACTUALLY hurt Him, but having no other way to take out whatever aggression I’m feeling in that moment – most of which is never about Him at all, He just happens to be the only thing there.  He lets me have my moment and then He’ll just hold me and let me cry, whether He knows He’s doing that or not.

He’s put up with not seeing me much the past two weeks, and He’ll continue to put up with not seeing me much next week… only to come back right around the time He has to leave for a week, cause you know… holidays and family and stuff.

He puts up with those neurotic moments where I sit in that spiral of “The world is a terrible place and humans are horrible to each other,” and part of me wants to fix it even though I know I can’t while the other part of me just wants to sit in a corner and cry and stay away from everyone and everything… and He puts up with it.

He puts up with those moments where I want to be deeply a slave to Him, but I don’t want the protocols hanging over my head like some oppressive force that I feel like I MUST obey “or else”.  And He puts up with me pushing Him in those moments to be either more or less than what He is and somehow doesn’t go crazy, or act like He isn’t getting what He needs.

And I have no idea how He fucking does it.  Zero clue.  I don’t even like putting up with myself half the time, and yet not only does He put up with me, He somehow loves me anyway.

So I have those moments when I truly can’t understand why… and I wonder if He feels obligated.  Like I’m just this fragile thing that’s going to fall apart if He leaves and He’ll feel responsible and, damn Him, He’s such a nice guy that He wouldn’t be able to take that guilty feeling.  I mean… I know that’s not true… at least, the logical part of my brain knows that… and knows He doesn’t want to leave… but when I get in these moments I have to wonder.

I guess I don’t HAVE to wonder.  But those of you who feel these same anxieties might know what I’m trying to say.

I don’t know.  I doubt this blog made a whole lot of sense to anyone but me.  And it will likely serve as another example of the crazy shit He puts up with.

But… thank You.  If I don’t say it enough… know that I see it.  And thank You.

Shape || Mine
Head || Simone Head (v3.0) | Lelutka
* Skin || Jane Skin (Tone 07) | Avi-Glam | Powder Pack for Lelutka (November) | new!
– This facial skin is compatible with the Amara Beauty body appliers, also included with this particular Powder Pack.
* Eyes || Vivid Eyes | Arte | Powder Pack for Lelutka (November) | new!
* Eyeshadow || Caterina Eyemakeup | Zibska | Powder Pack for Lelutka (November) | new!
* Blush || Fiorenza Blush | Zibska | Powder Pack for Lelutka (November) | new!
* Lipstick || Lavish Lips (Posh Edition) | #adored | Powder Pack for Lelutka (November) | new!
Hair || Feelings (Hud 01) | Magika
* Chest&Hand Tattoo || Jungle RARE (Black) | White Widow | Fantasy Gacha Carnival | new!
* Stomach Tattoo || Jungle Belt (Black) | White Widow | Fantasy Gacha Carnival | new!
* Top || Star Back Tied Top | Blueberry | Collabor88 | new!
* Skirt || Lala Mesh Mini Skirt | Rebel Hope | 4Mesh | new!
* Heels || Jessica Heels | Breathe | ROMP | new!
* Collar || Submit | Cae | ROMP | new!
– It didn’t end up showing up well in these photos, so expect to see this collar again in future pictures!
* Rings || Laura Bento Rings | Slipper Originals | 4Mesh | new!

Backdrop || Destination: London Photo Booth | Foxcity

Pose (full body) || Lolita 4 | FoxCity
– The wrists of both hands were modified slightly for this pose, to get the hands out of my skirt and my leg.
Pose (closeup) || Lolita 7 | FoxCity

Blogging Tune || “Gravity” – EDEN

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