Confession .144. If Only The Clockwork Could Speak, I Wouldn’t Be So Alone…

Somebody shine a light
I’m frozen by the fear in me
Somebody make me feel alive and shatter me
So cut me from the line
Dizzy, spinning endlessly
Somebody make me feel alive and shatter me…

“If I break the glass, then I’ll have to fly. There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive…”

I’m a sucker for a good marionette/puppet photo. What can I say? Besides, I still do my damnedest to keep most things on my Flickr ‘safe’, so I had to do some creative manipulating to show this awesome body chain out of Bound Box and still not get flagged. Getting flagged isn’t on my to-do list today.

But anyway… this evening, I wanna chat about something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately: fitting inside other peoples’ boxes.

So, for awhile, I’ve been pigeonholed into this idea that I’m a cunt. Lol. Now, more than likely, it’s people that have been on the receiving end of ‘stern Tivi’ when they aren’t doing what they’re supposed to be doing – while they are simultaneously yelling at other people to do those same things, mind you – or it’s people that don’t actually know me at all, but see, perhaps, my management style from the outside looking in. I’m a pretty no-bullshit person when it comes to getting things done that need to be done, and that doesn’t come across the best to people sometimes.

But mostly, I don’t care if you like it or not, as long as you get done what I need you to get done, when I need you to get it done. Maybe that comes from the time I spent as a first girl in Gor… cause 98% of the time, if a girl ‘under’ me fucked up… not only were they beaten for their mistake, but *I* was beaten for their mistake, for not catching it before the Master did. Now, granted, this is pixel beating… however, for someone who connects deeply with the characters they roleplay, it still wasn’t a fun experience, and I tended to avoid punishment beating at all costs.

So perhaps that’s where my stern-ness comes from in getting people to do what they need to do… simply because I’m not about to get lectured for someone else’s mistake because I should’ve caught it before it got higher than me. Who knows. Either way, I just don’t dick around with deadlines and other things, most times, as long as it’s within my control.

Now, that said… I’ve fallen pretty complacent in other peoples’ definitions of me. Hell, if they all think I’m a cunt, then perhaps un-serious people won’t bother trying to work with me… I know that those that I’m working with are serious about whatever we’re doing, and they come in eyes-wide-open, knowing exactly how strict I am on deadlines, despite giving you EVERY possible opportunity to meet those deadlines. I might move the goalposts at times, but they’re always there, and you’re either gonna kick the field goal or get pulled off the field, so to speak.

But… the other part of why I’m so comfortable in everyone else’s opinions of me… is it means they don’t have to see the real me. So few people know the real Tivi… and most of those people, are people that watch me dance. When I dance – in Gor, usually – that’s kinda the one place I’m safe to be entirely myself and have it not be too harshly judged… because I’m in a realm of people who are, to some degree, the same way. I’m not looked at like I’m professionally less-than just because of how I choose to conduct my personal relationships.

I remember the first time that happened, and what ultimately led to me actually taking the advice of some of my past modeling teachers and ‘hiding’ the fact that I was submissive for awhile. I was in a pageant – that I won’t name – and during the live interview, I’m sitting there with a group of people all staring at me, asking me various questions, most of which are relevant to modeling, fashion in SL, where I see my future in SL, etc. And then some… person… because that’s the only thing nice I can call someone who actually thinks it’s ok to ask this… decides that their question would be something along the lines of, “I see that you’re collared in SL. Do you think that the fact that you are openly submissive will affect your ability to be a Leader in this industry?”

Like… ok, first of all… my personal relationships have NOTHING to do with my professional self. Master has never told me “You can’t do this” about a professional commitment I’ve made – despite Him coming very close to making me quit modeling when He saw how much stress it put me under to volunteer my time only to be treated like shit by a group of models, He still never did it. I quit on my own. Master understands I have professional obligations and has never judged me as any less His slave just because I’m ‘in charge’ of a group of people in a professional setting. That setting has nothing to do with Him. So to bring my personal relationship at the time into a pageant interview was a low-blow to begin with, let alone the fact that the way it was worded (granted, it was several years ago, so the wording I chose may not be exact to what it was, but I remember being incredibly offended at the time, so it’s likely pretty close) was incredibly judgmental.

Nothing I said was going to change that particular person’s opinion of me. Being submissive, to them, automatically meant that I wasn’t a good Leader. Full stop. Such close-minded bullshit… but it’s the same close-minded bullshit that pervades most of the rest of the modeling industry in Second Life.

So honestly, it’s just easier to let people think I’m a bitch, or a cunt, or a mean person, or whatever they think. Because it’s better than them seeing me as weak, just because I’m submissive.

Shape || Mine
Head || Chloe Bento Head (v3.0) | Lelutka
* Skin || Yulia (T4; Fawn; Freckles) | Lumae
* Hair || Cadence (Reds) | Stealthic
Eyes || Hurt Eyes | Izzie’s
* Body Chain || Shameless | Cynful | Bound Box (October) | new!