Posted in Collabor88, Events, Kinky Event, Life, New Releases, Powder Pack for Catwa (September), The Secret Affair, Uber

Confession .132. Too Hard To Breathe, I’m On My Knees Right Now…

I’m so sick of that same old love
That shit, it tears me up
I’m so sick of that same old love
My body’s had enough…

For a long time, both in my SL and my RL I’ve tried to figure out this delicate balance between how I feel as a submissive, and how I feel as a ‘hopeless romantic’ in a more vanilla sense.  And let me tell you, it’s not exactly the easiest balance to find.

Today, you’re going to get some ramblings from my brain about romanticism and M/s relationships.

Now, for those of you who actually know a bit of what I’m talking about, I feel the need to place the following disclaimer: I am speaking in an M/s sense because that is what my relationship with Master is.  This doesn’t mean I think D/s is less than M/s, or that I have a preference one way or the other.  I simply prefer my Master.  Whether He’s D/s, M/s, or a purple potato.  *Laughs*  But when I say M/s, feel free to substitute D/s or whatever dynamic you’re thinking about.

Anyway.  One of the things I struggled with for the longest time, and why I identified as D/s and submissive for so long is because I was surrounded with non-romantic M/s dynamics.  Most of these Houses and dynamics were service-based, and while they all ‘cared’ for each other, obviously, they weren’t all like, “I love You, Master,” “I love you, slave,” type of relationships.  (And now the mental image of a few of those Masters I know saying that out loud and in public is plaguing me and I can’t get it to stop…)  So, just from the examples in life around me, I was under the impression that M/s relationships didn’t involve a romantic component.

Be easy on me.  I was still new and discovering myself.

So if M/s didn’t involve romance at all, I clearly wasn’t a slave, in my still-new mind… because I am a romantic person… I develop feelings, and I want a loving, romantic relationship blended in with my M/s.  So I slapped a shiny, new ‘submissive’ label on my forehead, it seems, and went looking for a Dominant.  Not a Master or a Mistress, no!  Run for the hills if I find one of those, because I won’t get any romance, right?  *Laughs*

But what I found with D/s was, for me, it wasn’t deep enough.  Even a past Dominant told me that I seemed more like a slave… and when He tried to treat me as such, I still found I was craving a deeper submissive, a deeper level of service.  It wasn’t the style of Dominance that He is, as a person, and so that was what ended our dynamic.   We’re still friends… and it’s interesting to look back on now and see how right He was about me.

But I was so afraid to label myself a slave, because I felt like I was setting myself up for a service-based dynamic like the ones I’d seen around me.  And the slaves didn’t seem unfulfilled at all… quite the contrary, they were incredibly happy.  But they also didn’t seem to have this deep-rooted need for a love-based relationship like I did.

So I flailed around hopelessly for awhile.  Hell, I even tried a vanilla relationship in RL and determined that maybe I could just submit ‘biblically’ to my partner.  You know ‘wives, submit to your husbands’ sort of deal.  Found a really devout Christian man, super sweet guy… we both loved each other a lot… I was so happy with him, but something was missing… again.  The power exchange.  So much so that – even as much as I am vehemently against cheating – I actually was unfaithful and cheated on him… I went to a D/s dungeon party and scened with someone.   To some of you, that might not be considered cheating, but at the time, I was in a monogamous, non-D/s relationship, and I sought D/s outside that relationship without discussing it with him first.  To me, that is cheating.  And I hated myself for it.

I came clean… because I’m that kind of person… and we ended the relationship.  My mother still talks to me about him, and how ‘great’ of a guy he was, despite it being several years ago… like, I think mom is convinced that was my one shot at a husband some day.  And who knows, maybe she’s right… but she also doesn’t know about this deeper-rooted need that I have.  I almost told her once, then she read 50 Shades of Grey and so I decided I wasn’t ready to have that conversation and debunk all of the bullshit found in that book.

Anyway… I guess all of this to say that I may never find what it is I truly seek… someone who is my Master… but also my husband.  Like… I want the romantic side of the relationship… and the strict, controlled side.  Master is amazing… the most loving Man I have ever met… but I suppose as someone who has never been married in RL, and has been engaged in SL once but never actually married… it’s an experience that is still sitting somewhere on my list of needs.  And I suppose I’m too afraid to have that conversation, because when He and I discussed the unique roles that myself and His RL wife fill in His life, He made the comment, “I don’t want a second slave, just like I don’t want a second wife.”

It shouldn’t have made me sad.  But partly, it did.  Because I don’t know if that applies to SL as well… and I’m too afraid to actually deepen that conversation and really probe for the answer to that any time I bring it up vaguely.

So maybe I’ll never get that experience.  Who knows?  I hope these stories weren’t too all over the place to understand…

Shape || Mine
Head || Catya Head (v3.0) | Catwa | recent update!
* Skin || Sally Skin (January Tone) | Pumec | Powder Pack for Catwa (September) | new!
* Hair || Apple (Brunettes) | Truth Hair | Uber | new!
* Tattoo || Mustang (Black) | White Widow | Kinky Event (opens 9/28) | new!
* Heels || Yira Heels (Dark Colors) | CandyDoll | Collabor88 | recent!
* Earrings || Riske Earring (Black) | Shanghai | The Secret Affair | new!
* Rings || Love Bento Rings | Slipper Originals | new group gift!

Backdrop || Basement Backdrop | Isuka

Pose&Prop || Tenacious Bento Pose w/ Mesh Katana | Reve Obscura

Location || Home

Blogging Tune || “Same Old Love” – Selena Gomez

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