Posted in Events, FaMeshed, Life, New Releases, Powder Pack for Lelutka (September), The Chapter Four, We <3 RP

Confession .122. All The Leaves Are Brown And The Sky Is Grey…

I stopped into a church I passed along the way
Well I got down on my knees and I pretended to pray
You know the preacher likes the cold, He knows I’m gonna stay
California dreamin’ on such a winter’s day…

Confession .122.  All The Leaves Are Brown And The Sky Is Grey...

Someone commented on a past blog post that I did referencing my affinity for ‘stealing’ my first love’s cowboy hat and wearing it around all the time… including at my Senior prom, which I asked him to as my friend because all my friends were in long-term relationships and I didn’t want to go alone.

They asked me how I felt about being friends with him, knowing we would never be lovers, and how I got over him.  I suppose today it’s time to tell more of that story.

So, this boy… let’s just call him J… started out as my best friend in elementary school.  Now, granted, in elementary-school age we’re not exactly the greatest judge of character, so I can’t tell you that he was my best friend because he was this amazing person, etc.  I liked him because he was nice to me, talked to me a lot, and we just got to know each other and hung out at recess a lot.  Lol.  Like, that was the depth of Kindergarten-Third Grade friendships.

After third grade, he just… didn’t come back for fourth grade.  I noticed immediately – of course, “Where is my best friend?”  But as a fourth grader I didn’t, like, immediately assume he’d moved away.  That wasn’t my thought process yet.  Eventually, someone who went to church with him or something had said that yes, his family had moved, so he went to a different school.

I was sad, but, like, I adjusted.  Kids adjust.  I probably would’ve been perfectly fine with all of it, had we not met up again in high school.

I will never forget how that happened.

My school had an up-and-coming Project Lead the Way program, which was a series of technology and engineering courses at the High School level, to prepare and interest students in a career in computers, technology, engineering, architecture, etc.  Our tech leader wanted to bring a FIRST (For Inspiration and Recognition of Science and Technology) Robotics team to our school, but we didn’t have enough interest yet.  Meanwhile, there was a school a couple towns over who had interested, dedicated students, but they were getting cuts in their funding and a large number of their students were about to graduate.  They didn’t know if they’d be able to continue, so our tech leader invited them to come and utilize our lab – much larger and better equipped – and we could combine students from their school and ours to bolster their team a bit more.  My high school best friend had gone to the very first, informational meeting – which I’d missed because I didn’t have any PLTW classes that semester so I didn’t hear about it – and told me how amazing it was.  I had to go to the tech leader to get permission to stay after since I didn’t have any tech classes that semester, and he thought it would be great, and I hadn’t missed much since it was still just the first meeting.

My friend starts to tell me, “There’s this really cool but kinda weird kid name J… he’s always carrying around this bullwhip and he started messing around with it outside after the meeting.  It was kinda neat.”  Just because I was curious, I asked if she remembered J’s last name.  Now, keep in mind, I still only knew that ‘my’ J had ‘moved away’.  I never knew where, I never had a way to get ahold of him, etc.  He was like my “in school” best friend.  Because he was a boy adn I was a girl, my mother was a bit… odd… about letting me hang out with him after school and stuff.  Anyway, my high school best friend couldn’t remember his last name, so I spent the entire rest of the day at school wondering if it was the same person.

As soon as he walked into our tech lab, I just looked at him and called him by first and last name, and he looked up.  It was such a… weird meeting.  Like… he looked damn near exactly the same, just taller and a bit bigger… and I had changed a bit more.  But, like… it was cool to reunite… and the feelings that I felt for him were almost instantaneous.  Not love at first sight, but definitely, “I like this boy” at first sight.  Lol.

Sophomore through Senior year that man saw a bunch of stuff with me, even without going to the same school.  My school’s Indoor Percussion Ensemble hosted a competition every year, and one year we had to use the front part of the tech lab during a Robotics work-day, so we drew the divider, made sure to assign OUR ensemble in there so that we wouldn’t disturb the Robotics kids working in the lab, and so he randomly saw me running around like an idiot and ducking in and out, including and not limited to when I was in our costume which would really only make sense if you saw it and the show together… looked kinda strange otherwise.  He stopped, tipped his head to one side and looked at me, and I said, “I don’t have time to explain” and ran out the room to run to the ooooother side of the school to get staged and ready to perform.

There were just a ton of little moments like that.  Which left me wrestling with that notion of, “Does he actually want to be with me, or is he just an invested friend?”  Like… his reasons for why we never tried were always very specific: “I don’t date someone I can’t see myself marrying.”  It was never, “I just don’t feel the same way.”  So I always kind of wondered if he DID have feelings… but just was so rooted in that religious belief that he never tried to act on it.  I dunno.

One of my favorite moments, however, was the moment I got out of the car at the place we were meeting for prom.  We were going with a group of friends and so we were all meeting at the Steak and Shake we’d do “after-prom” at so that everyone’s car was there when they were ready to go home.  I got out of the car, in my dress… my hair and makeup done… and he actually stopped in his tracks and stared for a moment.  Like… I was pretty sure he didn’t have any interest in me in ‘that way’, but to watch the way he looked at me for that moment?  It was amazing to me.  He and his mother had actually picked a flower from their garden outside his home and had made the wrist corsage he gave me.  (My mother the party pooper had to point out that it was ‘probably because’ he was going to his own prom the next night and likely bought a ‘real’ one for his ‘real’ date.  She was just irritated at that point, I guess, that I wasn’t going to my senior prom with a boy I was ‘involved’ with.  I dunno.)

Anyway, then we wound up at the same college… which sounds kinda stalker-ish, I know, but it was actually HIS idea that I applied.

When I was a Freshman in high school, I had a Geometry teacher who heavily disliked me, for whatever reason.  But one day she pushed my buttons too much when I was leaving class to attend the funeral of the girlfriends of some very close friends of mine.  All 4 had been in a car wreck, my friends lived, their girlfriends didn’t.  I was handing her the note that gave me permission to leave with an excused absence for the funeral, and she just sighed, shook her head at me and said, out loud, in front of the class, “It’s a shame that people will use any excuse to get out of class excused.”  I whipped around from the door, glared at her and said, “It’s a shame when miserable people have to tear others down on a day this sad and hard.”  I ‘mysteriously’ received a D in that class… just barely enough to move on to the next Math class, and enough to pull my GPA down.

Then when I was a Junior in high school and had almost repaired the damage from that cow of a Geometry teacher, I was forced to take AP US History if I wanted to take AP English.  They claimed it would be ‘co-curricular’.  The only time it was, was once… for a Research Paper.  And by “co-curricular” they meant that they gave us class time in both to work on it.  I couldn’t NOT take AP English… because regular English would’ve bored me to the point that I would’ve failed… and there weren’t any other classes that would’ve counted for my Junior level English course.  So I was stuck in AP US History… and I’m *dreadful* at History.  Memorization and regurgitation and I would just keep getting everything mixed up in my head.  It was terrible.  I outright failed that class.

So, needless to say, my GPA wasn’t a 4.0 when I graduated.  So my Senior year when I’m looking at colleges, my goal school was Purdue University for their Engineering program… however they also had a good English program.  My ‘reach’ school – that school that would be my dream school, was too far out of reach, but I applied too anyway – was Rose-Hullman Institute of Technology.  Purdue had a program where you come up for a 2-day thing, get a tour, meet the teachers, sit in on some classes, eat on campus, etc… and just learn generally about the school.  My mother took me and if we turned in our admission application by the first night, we would get an immediate admissions decision the next day at our sit-down with some of the counselors.  That second day I was rejected… not only from the Engineering Program, but also the English Program… and also General Admission.  There was, at that point, zero way I would attend Purdue after I graduated.

I go to robotics that night incredibly bummed out about it.  It’s in that moment I regretted quitting Indoor Percussion my senior year in favor of committing fully to Robotics because it was what I wanted to study in college… because I could’ve used some Indoor Percussion therapy after a day like that.  J finds me, crying on the curb like an idiot, and asks me what’s wrong.  I explained the 2-day Purdue thing and that I’d gotten rejected 3 times in the span of about 30 minutes and he asks, “Why don’t you apply to Trine?  I just got my acceptance and it’s a really amazing school, I’ve toured it, TJ (a mutual friend) goes there… it seems great.”  I looked at him like he had just grown a second head and asked, “J, I just got rejected from a *state* school.  What makes you think I’ll get into a *private* school?”

But sure as shit… I did.

So I went to college with J for about a year and a half before I transferred down to Ball State after changing majors.  One part of the transfer was that I was paying too much in tuition at an Engineering school to study Psychology after I switched majors… the other part was that being around him, especially as he began to find people in college that he ‘could see himself marrying’ and started to date, hurt too much.

All that to say… I guess a piece of me never really got over him, to answer the second question the comment author asked.  He’ll always be my first love.  I just… moved on to other loves after him.  We all have to eventually.

The thing that gets me, though… he always used to tell me that he was studying engineering so that he could do something amazing in the world… get out of the small town he moved to, move somewhere a little bigger, and be heavily involved in the engineering world.  And you know where he is now?  Living right back in that small town.  Married.  With a kid.  And his wife’s sister is his little brother’s wife.  (There’s some weirdness in there that I can’t place, but it always kinda irked me.)

So I suppose he also taught me that our dreams are allowed to change.  It’s ok… and you can still be just as happy.  He seems blissful, even if it’s exactly the opposite of the life he envisioned for himself when we were in college.


Shape || Mine
Head || Chloe Bento Head (v3.0) | Lelutka
* Skin || Delia Skin (Tone 3) | Amara Beauty | Powder Pack for Lelutka (September) | new!
* Brand || Dina brand | The Crone | We ❤ RP | new!
Eyes || Hurt Eyes | Izzie’s
* Hair || Milena (Browns) | Mina Hair | FaMESHed | new!
* Top&Panties || Oracle (Midnight) | Cellar Door | We ❤ RP | new!
* Collar || Osiris Collar || Cellar Door | We ❤ RP | new!
Nails&Rings || Elektra Nails & Rings Set | RealEvil Industries

* Pose (close up) || The Selene Series Three | an lar Poses | The Chapter Four | new!
* Pose (full body) || The Selene Series Five (m) | an lar Poses | The Chapter Four | new!

Location || Hazardous

Blogging Tune || “California Dreamin'” – Sia

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