Posted in Blogger Challenges, Life

Confession .23. This Is Me… Take It Or Leave It

Just like fire, burning out the way
If I could light the world up for just one day
Watch this madness, colorful charade
No one can be just like me, anyway…


When I did the Roast Yourself challenge a couple weeks ago, I mentioned that I would be dispelling a few myths, and clearing a lot of things up.  Addressing a lot of the stuff I hear about myself daily… things people say to me or about me.  Yes, this is the reality of the SL that we live in, where people are that petty.  I would have thought that after 3 years of my being in the fashion community, people would have found something better to take up their time.

Alas, I was wrong, it seems.  So, let’s clear some things up.

“You’re lazy.  The reason you miss blogs all the time is not actually anything to do with your life, your creative muses, or any kind of anything.  You’re just lazy and don’t want to do the work.”

  • First of all… thanks for the vote of confidence?  Lol.  But for real, though… let’s go over a few things.
  •  The major one being, I’m in school.  I’ve got 2 weeks left of this term, then another 6 week term, then a 6 week externship.  So my being in school isn’t going to change any time soon.  I’m sorry if having midterms every third week and finals every sixth week takes a toll on me at times, while having at least 2 papers/projects due each six weeks, if not more (I had 2 papers, a project, and a cooking project due this term alone, so far, 4 weeks into it.)  So sometimes, other things take up my time.  I’m sorry.
  • This time last year, I was going through chemo.  And I’m not sure how familiar y’all are with that process, but afterwards, even when you’re not going through chemo… you have days where you feel like you’ve had chemo.  You’re just… out of it.  I get those days too.  I’m human.  Sue me.

“You don’t actually have any kind of talent.  The positions you hold, you’ve only gotten by crawling so far up someone’s ass until you got it.  Everything you touch crashes and burns because of your incredible lack of talent.”

  • Well.  I’m not actually sure what to say about this one.  I mean… it’s not like I can force anyone to entrust any kind of position to me.  There is usually an application process and the final decision is on them.  Despite popular belief, the Jedi mind trick is not an actual thing.
  • Also, I’d like to point out that everything I touch doesn’t crash and burn.  And it’s ironic that I hear this the most from people with failed projects, failed events, failed brands under their belts.

“Your ‘success’ in SL is achieved by piggy-backing off the achievements of other people.  You’ve never actually done anything for yourself.”

  • This one right here, both makes me the most angry, and makes me laugh the hardest.  Because let’s go over a few things…
  • In the fashion world of SL, yes, I had a mentor when I started out.   That mentor was a very connected person.  However… did that mentor even so much as alert me to possible castings?  No.  If they weren’t even going to TELL me that so-and-so was looking for a model, do you think he was about to pull strings and hand me something?  No.  I’ve struggled the most with this idea because the moment that my former mentor began “mentoring” another, he did the complete opposite.  Handed her everything without a second thought.  Now, I didn’t want to be handed a damn thing, however, it would have been nice to have had a mentor who actually… you know… mentored?
  • (However, it should also be noted here that that person whom my former mentor handed everything?  She’s slowly phasing herself out of the fashion community with her attitude.  She thinks she’s the best thing since sliced bread, because everything was always handed to her.  When she has to actually WORK at something… doesn’t quite turn out well.  Not without the influence and hard work of OTHER PEOPLE doing it all for her.)

“You are so fucking full of yourself.  You think you’re the best thing since sliced bread.  The LITTLE bit of power that people have been stupid enough to give you has certainly gone to your head.”

  • This one gave me a good little giggle too.  Most of you who know me at all know that I literally just try to help people.  It isn’t about power or anything like that.  If I can HELP someone, even if it’s just proofreading something for a friend to make her sound less like a bitch, I’ll do that.  I don’t go for power, or even money in SL.  (I’m sure I’m a frustrating person to hire, because people always ask, “How much do you expect to be paid for this?” and my response is always, “Whatever you feel is reasonable.”  LOL.)
  • Also, those of you who know me know that I’m kind of the opposite of this?  I’m down on myself way too much.
  • And it was also interesting that I started hearing/getting this one after a casting I helped with not too long ago, mostly from people who didn’t get in, or partners of people who didn’t get in.  I hate to break it to you, but I don’t own the agency, loves.  Final decisions on stuff like that… are ALWAYS made by people who own/run the thing.  I and the rest of the people involved can offer opinions, but the ultimate decision is down to the owner.  Better luck next time, and please get my name out of your mouth.  It’s irritating.

“You are an insolent little child.”

  • Admittedly, this one didn’t come from the fashion community, it came from roleplay, but I had to include it because the situation that surrounded the dumbass who called me this was hilarious to me.  I’d been sitting in a roleplay… for over an hour… not acknowledged at all.  Now, where I roleplay, that’s generally ok… except that I’m a roleplayer who would like to do other things than spend an hour figuring out how to twiddle my thumbs in paragraph-form.  Even when the person who was helping this particular individual had to go afk for an RL emergency?  They just continued on as if she was still there helping, and proceeded to ignore my character.  Now, when I brought it up in IMs, He pitched a bitch-fit talking about how, “I responded directly to you!”  And I kept asking him to show me where… because I didn’t see it, and I’d re-read the roleplay several times over.  He never actually tried to show me, but just kept yelling, escalating the situation until I said, “Please just show me where.  Because if I’m mistaken, I’ll gladly apologize.”  He finally copy-pasted an emote… that He’d spoken in response to someone else… which I showed him, that I hadn’t said anything for him to respond to.  And he backtracked, “Well I thought I did!”
  • Ok, because what you “thought” you did totally warrants pitching a bitch-fit in my IMs for a half hour?  And I’M the insolent child?  LOL.

“‘Blogger’?  Please.  Don’t even get me started on your talentless, bullshit photos to accompany your rants.  You are nothing but drama.”

  • This is one that I found interesting.  Some… or, rather, a group of someones… who placed themselves in a position of power in an event that has meant the world to me for the last few years… directly told a friend of mine that they hoped it wouldn’t affect her participation, but that I would be allowed nowhere near the event, because all my blog is, is drama.  The reason they stated this, was because I made a blog post… SEVERAL months prior to that… venting my feelings about an ex… who just happened to be in that “group of someones” who had placed themselves in power in that event.  Now.  Did I slander him?  No.  Did I call him by name?  No.  Did I speak anything specific that anyone not involved in the situation would have been able to say “That’s so-and-so!”?  No.  And I could have done all of those things.  I could have called him out by name and spoken in grave detail about the bullshit that he pulled.  But I didn’t.  I’m a better person than that.  However, because of that singular post… that actually more people found out about because of HIM and HIS group of friends than did because of me… I was labeled as nothing but drama with my blog.  Lol.  So let me get something straight…
  • This is my blog.  No one is forcing anyone to read it.  There’s this awesome ‘x’ in the upper right hand corner for anyone who gets butthurt or otherwise upset at something I say/talk about.  Please remember that before you go around slandering MY name about things I say here on MY blog.

“I was warned about you.”

  • The context of this one made me laugh too.  Because it was spoken by someone who, at the time, was VERY much in the public eye in a VERY negative way for things she had said and done to other people, bridges she’d burned, and a company that she was running into the ground.  Through all of that, I had defended her.  Or at the very least remained Switzerland, rather than engage or badmouth her.  Yet the first opportunity she got?  She misinterpreted something I said, blamed that misinterpretation on me, used one of the same tactics of most verbal abusers by employing this magical, non-existent collective of “we” who supposedly ALL understood my phrasing in EXACTLY the same way that she had, and just dropped me.  Not just professionally, but removed me from everything.
  • That is how she treats her ‘friends’… yet ‘she’ was warned about ‘me’.  Ok.  I believe that.  Totally legit.  *Sarcasm*

“You tried to kill yourself once?  It’s a damn shame you didn’t succeed.”

  • This is by far the most disturbing of all of them.  Of course.  Why wouldn’t it be?  People, several people, more people than I would like to think… have wished death on me.  And not just the typical “go drink bleach and die” that is the go-to of keyboard-warriors everywhere… but actual, legitimate expressions of upset that I didn’t succeed in my attempt at taking my own life.

I am far from a perfect person.

To quote something I shared on Facebook the other day: “I’m fuckin crazy.  And a loner.  And honest as shit.  And sensitive.  And harsh as fuck.  And overprotective.  And jealous.  And overreacting.  And confident as hell.  And contradictory at times.  And mean as shit.  And affectionate.  And considerate.  And expressive.  And giving.  And loyal.  And I will give you my last because I’m fuckin real.”

That… is me in a nutshell.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Everything in between.  I am me, and I’m sorry that ‘me’ isn’t the easiest person to get along with, or that ‘me’ isn’t the easiest person to love.  I wish I were more ‘normal’, sometimes… or that I hadn’t been through half the shit I’ve been through that makes me as untrusting as I am… because not being able to trust someone you care about?  It’s the worst.  And it will push them away faster than you can beg them to stay.  I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t know how to fix it.  I just try to be me and exist and hope for the best.  Most of the time, I fall short.  Most of the time the ‘best’ is so far off from where I’m at and what I’m being dealt… but I still try.

And if trying is wrong… then please explain to me what I’m supposed to be doing.


*~* Confession .23.  This Is Me… Take It Or Leave It *~*

..:: Shape ::.. Mine
..:: Skin ::.. Valeria Skin (Pearle Tone) || AlterEgo
* Toxx is having a 50% off sale in her mainstore until the 24th.  So go, run, and grab the skins I KNOW you’ve had your eye on.  I bought a skin pack last night that includes 3 eyebrow options, TMP and Omega head appliers, Loud Mouth appliers, 2 modifiable shapes, and 5 modifiable eyebrow shapers, all for L$350.  With the quality of Toxx’s work, you will NOT regret going and taking a look.
..:: Eyes ::.. Mesh Eyes (#74) || L’Etre
..:: Hair ::.. Henya (Black&Whites) || Truth Hair
..:: Body ::.. Lara Body (v3.5) || Maitreya
..:: Chest/Arm Tattoo ::.. Equals (Black) || White Widow || Shiny Shabby
..:: Neck/Mouth Tattoo ::.. Fatal Facepaint || AlterEgo
* This comes with an actual tattoo layer, an omega head applier, and an omega body applier, so that you can get it to work with the omega-compatible mesh head/body of your choice.  They can also be used in combination.  I’m currently wearing the tattoo layer for my non-mesh head, and the omega body applier to get the neck/chest portion on my Maitreya mesh body.
..:: Lingerie Set ::.. Leather & Lace Lingerie (RARE Gacha Item) || Lybra

..:: Cage ::.. The Nightingale Cage (Antique) || Stockholm & Lima
* The cage pose menu was used for both photos.

..:: Location ::.. Blithe

..:: Blog Tune ::.. Just Like Fire – Pink

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