Confession .09. I Try Really Hard Not To Care

I don’t care if I sing off-key…
I find myself in my melodies
I sing for love, I sing for me
I shout it out, like a bird set free…

“There’s a scream inside that we all try to hide.  And we hold on so tight, but we cannot deny it eats us alive.”

The tune for this blog today is another one of those that I would thoroughly recommend listening to all the way through… several times.  It’s been on repeat since one of the Top 4 for Idol sang it.  -laughs-  The ironic part, and perhaps the most moving part, of this particular performance is that he started off pretty pitchy.  But by the end, he was moved to tears by his own heart and soul put into the song, and I was as well.  But the original is pretty damn good too, then again… I’m pretty partial to anything Sia.

And no, not because of Dance Moms.  I loved Sia long before that.  😛  (So much so that the mesh head applier I’m wearing is named “Sia”.  Muahaha.)

Confession #9: I try really hard not to care.  And I do!  I try really hard… I’ve been through this entire revolution where I care not at all… then I swing to caring way too much… then I try to balance out in the middle… and I have my moments where I end up on the polar ends again… and it’s just a mess.  But ultimately, I try really hard not to care.

And there are some aspects of ‘not caring’ that I succeed in.  For example, I’m a submissive… and I really don’t mind labeling myself as that.  When I first started modeling, I hid that aspect of myself, because I was told to.  I was told that I wouldn’t be hired… that it was ‘unprofessional’ to label yourself as a submissive.  Little does that person who taught me that know that what you do in your PERSONAL relationships, seems to have very little bearing on what you do in your PROFESSIONAL ones.

At least, in my experience anyway.  I’d like to think I’m doing ok as an ‘outed’ subbie.  -laughs-

And of course, because I am outed, that’s why I can take a stab at unique things like this, with the most awesome ballet barre that I’ve ever seen in SL, from Stockholm & Lima.  I even had to take a trip back into nostalgia land and dig out one of my old Glam Affair skins… and I couldn’t even be satisfied with that.  I’ve been messing around with one of the Logo mesh heads, and so I went to see what sorts of appliers for Logo that Aida had put out.  I think this combination turned out well, though I don’t think it’ll be my ‘every-day’ kinda look.

I’m too in love with my AlterEgo skins for that.  Lol.

Oh, andddddd… Slink put out new feet today!  While I have seemingly zero use for the Kitten feet (which are between Flat and Mid), I DID go ahead and buy the Deluxe pack at the discounted price (L$1350 for all 5 feet until April 16th) for 2 reasons: 1.) I wanted the HUD functionality to change between my feet without having to search for which folder and put the right feet on… and 2.) I VERY MUCH have a use for the Pointe feet, as you can see here… even if you can’t actually SEE them here.  As a dancer, I’m sure you’ll see them QUITE a bit in the future.

But there are other aspects of my self, in which I still care way too much… no matter how hard I try not to.  And ultimately, this extreme level of caring, simply leads me to wind up hurt.

Like I care /way/ too much that a particular person in the modeling industry took my skin I used to wear – she simply wore it in a different tone, took the eyes I used to wear – of course in a different color, and made her shape rather similar to mine… only to wind up handed everything that I’ve worked for for going on 4 years now.  When I tweak my shape, and mess with my skin, and change my eyes around and do all of this stuff gradually, it’s not a ‘good enough’ look for people, but when this person does it, suddenly it’s amazing?  And she doesn’t even have to work for the opportunities I’ve been striving to earn?  It just doesn’t make any damn sense.

And one of these days, I’m going to lose my ever-loving mind.

The worst part?  I’m apparently one of a few, a very small handful, of people who see this stuff.  I just… don’t understand.

Should I copy someone else too?  Is that the secret to how all this stuff works?

*~* Confession .09.  I Try Really Hard Not To Care *~*

..:: Shape ::.. MINE
..:: Skin ::.. Sia Applier for Logo Head (version 03; Artic Tone) || Glam Affair
* This particular applier is located at Glam Affair’s Satellite Location, as it is a past event release.
..:: Eyes ::.. Weaponized Sugar Eyes (Emerald; Omega Applier) || Weaponized Sugar
..:: Hair ::.. Polilla (light blondes) || Truth Hair
..:: Head ::.. Infinity Alex Head (Omega version) || LOGO
..:: Body ::.. Lara Body (v3.5) || Maitreya
..:: Hands ::.. Avatar Enhancement Hands (Casual) || Slink
..:: Feet (not pictured) ::.. Avatar Enhancement Feet (Pointe) || Slink || new release!
* There is a “Deluxe Pack” that is all 5 feet, interchangeable via a HUD… what we’ve been asking Slink for FOREVER, ladies!  It is currently on sale at a special price for L$1350 for all 5 feet, which, math-wise, evens out to the same cost of you purchasing the two new styles of feet, Kitten and Pointe, individually.  Worth the investment, I think!  But hurry, the Deluxe Pack is only at this special price until April 16th!
..:: Nails ::.. Ballerina Nails || Formanails || recent release!
..:: Dress ::.. Strappy Dress With Belt (Rose) || Zenith || Uber
..:: Wrist/Ankle Cuffs ::.. These are RLV props that come with the barre!

..:: Ballet Barre ::.. The Ballet Barre (v2) || Stockholm & Lima
* The cuffs pictured are RLV props inside the menu of this barre, and both poses shown are from the barre as well.  Photo 1 is a static, bondage pose, and photo 2 was captured in the middle of one of the 5 motion capture dance animations included in the “Dance” menu of the barre.

..:: Blogging Tune ::.. “Bird Set Free” – Sia