I Can Hear The Battle Cry, At War With My Heart And Mind…

Even though all of my fears
And all of my doubts
Are outside my door, ready for war
Right here and now…

BattleCry1FINAL

“I refuse to lose this battle, let whatever come my way.  I am stronger than my rival.  No, I will not fall today.”

It never ceases to amaze me just how much some people will allow themselves to take.

Now, granted, I’m not exactly the poster child for standing up against the bullshit and fighting for what I know I deserve… *laughs*  Those that know me best will tell you that I stick around in bad situations far too long, particularly when it comes to personal, often romantic, relationships.  I guess I’ve been so violently conditioned that everything is my fault, that I simply assume what’s wrong with the relationship is something I can eventually fix, so I stick around trying to fix it.

But a one-sided relationship doesn’t survive very long.

However, one thing I will say for myself… is that I am beginning to /see/ these things when they are happening.  And I am gradually getting to the point where I am refusing to stand for it more often than not.  I am blaming myself less.  I am letting it go and letting it be what it is.  I am owning my portion of what went wrong, while still recognizing that it is not ALL me.  It is not MY fault that my last relationship did not know what he (she) wanted and ran off 2 days after I was released to hide on a slave alt and become collared to someone.  That is not my fault.  That is their own identification crisis that he (she) needs to workout for himself (herself).

((Edit 10/22/15: It’s been brought to my attention that my subject changed, per a usual Tivi, very abruptly and it may not have been noticeable.  The person ABOVE this statement is a different person than the one BELOW it.  Just offering clarity, to be fair to all parties involved.  And continuing to leave names out of it, for fairness as well.  ❤ Tivi ))

What kills me… is when people don’t see it.  When people remain how I used to be.  And they stick around.  Convinced it will get better.  Or they go back after they finally get out… convinced it will be different.  But I have news for you, love… if you keep doing the same things with the same person, you’re going to get the same result.  Nothing is going to change if the two of you don’t change, and if the relationship as a whole doesn’t change.  It’s going to end up the same way it has before.

And I can’t do a damn thing to stop it.  It’s not my relationship.  It’s not my place.

No matter how much I loved him at one time in my life.  No matter how much I care for him as a close friend and confidant (when he lets me… heh).  I can’t stop him from making the same dumbass mistakes with the same horrible human being.  Because ultimately they’re his decisions.  They’re his mistakes to make.  And if he wants to keep making them for the rest of his life and subjecting himself to that… then that’s his choice.

I can only be here to try and help put the pieces back together again when it inevitably blows up… again… like it always does.

To be honest, I really thought this time was the last time.  She did some incredibly horrible things.  Now granted, I thought she’d done some horrible things when he and I were together, after they’d broken up… sending people to harass him… verbally assaulting him on the daily.  Gradually just the assaulting and annoyance turned into outright verbal abuse, questioning his role in their relationship, his manhood, insulting everything that she could manage to find to tear him down.  But this last time, no this last time was the worst.  From what I understand, she outed him to several people.  And I won’t say what, specifically, else that makes me no better than she is, as there are several things it could be… however, I don’t know if I would be able to find it within myself to not only forgive and forget that someone did that to me… but take them back into my life as a “lover, partner, and best friend”.

But maybe that’s just me, and the level of self-respect that I’ve gained in my own growth.

All I know, is that the battle is beginning all over again, it seems.  And so I will stand in his corner, as I have always done.  And I will smile and nod and be happy for him if he is happy, as I have always done.  And when it inevitably falls apart again, I will be there as much as he allows, as I have always done.

And then a month or two later, the volatile cycle will repeat itself, I suppose.

I don’t think this battle will ever end.  He won’t let it.

BattleCry2FINAL

*~* I Can Hear The Battle Cry, At War With My Heart And Mind… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Default Lelutka Stella Head (Artic Tone) || Glam Affair (from Lelutka Head HUD)
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st!
Hair: Hair For Headshawl (from Belly Dancer Mahtab) || Soedara
Head: Stella Head (v1.2) || Lelutka || **new update! 10/20/15**
* Allows for Expression in Photo 2; 3 eye options, 4 eyebrow options, 7 mouth options
Body: Lara Mesh Body (v3.3) || Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Falling Leaves Fall French || -{ZOZ}-
Eyeliner Applier: Basic Eyeshadow Applier (Option 1; included w/ Head) || Lelutka
Lipstick Applier: Winterberries Lips || Zibska || Uber
Shawl: Pashmina || Ghee || L$1 Gift from Fall15 Collection!
Sweater: Cable Knit Turtleneck (Persimmon) || Ghee || new from Fall15 Collection!
* Standard/Slink/Maitreya/Omega Appliers; several collar variations
Jeans: Mia Jeans (Midnight) || Blueberry
* Standard/Slink/Maitreya/Freya/Venus/Isis sizes, Regular & Tucked in versions
Heels: Caty Wedges || KC Couture
* Slink High/Maitreya/Belleza/TMP versions
Nosechain: Faust Nose Chain (Gold) || Random.Matter || Uber
Bracelets: Dark Queen Bracelets (some parts hidden) || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story

Pose (photo 1): Pose200 || -slouch-
Pose (photo 2): Pose136 || -slouch-

Blogging Tune: “Battle Cry” – Jussie Smollett ft. Empire Cast

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