Well Let Me Introduce You To Grace…

There’s got to be more than going back and forth
From doing right to doing wrong
Cause we were taught that’s who we are…

Flawless2FINAL

“Come on, get in line right behind me.  You along with everybody thinking there’s worth in what you do.”

Yes, I had a bit of a “post-MVW” crisis… which is like a mid-life crisis, but for pixels… and changed a vast majority of my appearance.  I may keep it, cause I kinda like it.  But for now, it’s nice to feel like someone else.

This is my reflection.  So if you’re not in the mood for the feels and the emotions, I’m giving you a bit of warning to click away…

5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

Ok, now then.

My MVW journey ended yesterday.  Well, I guess technically it ended Saturday, as that was the last challenge I participated in.  However, the list of the Top 12 (turned Top 13, due to a tie) came out yesterday.  And my name, nor my country, were there.  And as such, my journey through the process ends.  Cut short.  I was… sort of… prepared for it to happen.  After all, we were told that the Top 12 would move on, which would mean that 21 of us would not.  All that changed was that 12 became 13 to be fair to the tie, so 21 became 20.  And my name was one of the 20.

I’m going to be completely honest throughout.  I’ve never been anything less than honest.  And in doing so, keep in mind this comes from an emotional place.  But I think that’s important too.  To come from that emotional place to provide the most honest, truthful reflection on my experience as possible.  Though why didn’t I write this last night?  There is a difference between writing from an emotional place and writing from a raw place.  I didn’t want to be raw here.  And I was last night.  Right now, I think I’m at that point where I’m still sad, but together enough to be honest, yet polite.

Not that I would’ve been a raging bitch last night.  *Laughs*  Just a bit less adept at saying what I wanted to say.

This experience was amazing.  And for 2013, 2014, and 2015 MVW, I got to sit on the sideline and watch beautiful women have this amazing journey and hear about how wonderful of a growth experience it was.  In 2013 when I was still brand spanking new, I thought they were full of shit.  LOL.  Like, how can a competition be THAT profound that you grow THAT much as a person by playing dress-up?  I was /so/ green back then, though.  2014, I got to see it a little closer, because I could follow from the beginning.  And I had a few people I could root for!  I remember during the last audition, the one time I got to walk, when I was so disappointed I didn’t make it (50 people walking for 5 spots, those odds were against me anyway… LOL) CottonCandy had told me it was her third year trying, and she’d finally gotten in.  So there was hope.

2015 I sat back and watched.  It was the first time MVW would be run under new ownership, and I wanted to see it in action first.  And I watched as Eleseren became Miss Virtual World and commenced one of THE most amazing reigns I think I’ve ever seen.  The thing about Eles is that… she won… but she never once ACTED like she won.  She remained humble throughout.  She was still ‘just one of us’.  And it was amazing to just talk to her, about anything and everything.  So much so, that I did so as often as I could.  Lol.

So this year rolled around and I was determined.  Damn determined.  And either my determination paid off, or I got extremely lucky, because I was granted a walk after the first headshot submission, and I got in from the first live audition.  I became Miss Virtual ♛ Iceland 2016.  Saying that even now is still really surreal.  I told the story of Why Iceland in a previous blog post, so I won’t reiterate that.  And I also told the story of the first serious conversation I had with Eles as a Miss about being looked at as a First Lady.

Damn if I didn’t try to put myself in that light EVERY time I said or did anything.  Did I slip occasionally?  Yeah.  We’re all human.  But I would say that at times when I spoke with poise and dignity, still using “please” most specifically, to request something of someone, when inside my mind was SCREAMING, “Oh my god, go fuck yourself,” I’d call that an improvement.  Lol.  I swallowed my tongue a few times and dialed back a lot.  And you know… I stressed a hell of a lot less that way.  So that’s something I definitely intend to continue with.  Even if I don’t have to police it as meticulously as I did throughout this process.

Then there were the challenges.  The thing about me that still haunts me… I was graduating one of the several classes I’ve taken over the years, and I was still wrapping my head around ‘designer inspiration’ type challenges, and just… completely missed the mark.  And the comment that was given to me was, “I can see that you’re a minimalist, but perhaps come out of that box once in awhile, honey.”  Me?  A minimalist?  Oh god.  That was an opinion I had to fix REAL fast.  Lol.  And from that point, I worked to push most any challenge that I was given, fitting the assigned theme, but I became a more ‘high fashion’ stylist in style challenges.  My blog may not reflect that 68% of the time (yes, a number I pulled out of my ass), but for styling challenges, that was my aim, always.

So when we were given challenges like our first… Lady Marmalade Meets Zumanity… my thought was not only how could I incorporate both… but how could I make those high fashion.  Same with The Fifth Element… which was the one challenge that made my standing in the competition a question mark to me the entire time.  The Fifth Element challenge was defined as Sci-Fi Haute Couture, and it was also Eles’ tribute challenge.  But when I showed up, in a mix and match inspired by the Fifth Element, Haute Couture, Jean Paul Gaultier, and Eles herself… to see a vast majority having gone straight sci-fi with it… I was so damn lost.  And I wasn’t sure if that was going to make me look wrong for my approach, or if it would make me stand out for incorporating every element of that challenge and not being ‘too busy’.  I wrestled mentally with that challenge from the day we walked it until yesterday when my name was not on that list.

And I still wonder if it was that challenge that did me in, and I just never managed to claw back from it.

I saw a lot of people yesterday who were a part of the 20 with me, who said that they weren’t sad when they didn’t see their name, and I’ve come to two conclusions about that.  Either 1.) They’re lying… which I don’t think the Misses would do.  Or 2.) They’re much stronger than I.  Number 2 is much more likely.  I will be the first to admit that I was sad.  Heartbroken, even.  It was like the wind was knocked out of me and the rug pulled out from under me.  I knew it was a possibility that my name wouldn’t be there, and the cynical part of my brain even kinda expected it to not be there.  But to actually READ the list.  To physically see it skip from India to Ireland and see that Iceland wasn’t there.  I’ve been hurt before by castings or auditions, but this was a different sort of hurt.  One I don’t think I can properly explain.

And just like that, it was over.  It felt like it was over before it really started.  The Press Presentation is scheduled after this cut… interviews… Charity Challenge hadn’t happened yet (I assume that’s still a challenge)… It almost didn’t feel like Miss Virtual World, as weird as that sounds.  It felt like… I don’t know.  A styling competition with elimination.  But I know it was Miss Virtual World, because that unique experience of developing that sisterhood with those women you’re competing alongside that never seems to happen in any other competition?  That happened.  I got to know some ladies I’d already known that much better, and meet new ones I’d never really gotten to meet before.

Maybe it’s just me that feels this weird sense of emptiness that comes from not getting to experience those things that I’d most looked forward to as a part of the MVW journey.  Charity Challenge (everyone expects me to do RFL, but I hadn’t planned on it… I had something else up my sleeve…), Interviews… working alongside designers for finale and watching that vision that’s in your head (you know I had a few!) come to life in front of you at the hands of some of the grid’s most amazing artists.  It’s so… weird… to sit here and hold this title and yet still not have gotten to experience those things.

Do I feel like I deserved to be on the list of the 13?  Yeah.  But I think somewhere, everyone who’s with the other 20 thinks that at some point.  Everyone worked hard.  Everyone put their all into it.  So I don’t think anyone is consciously sitting there right now going, “Well I didn’t try at all, so I really deserved to be eliminated.”  It’s a sense of protectiveness of our work as a stylist.  We each believed 100% in everything we put out there.  At least, I know I did.

It’s like dancing.  When you enter a competition, you put your 100% out there.  You put your actual heart and soul out there to be judged against others to pick a winner based around some meaningless set of criteria, including but not limited to whether or not you used spellcheck and proper grammar.  Like a double negative is suddenly going to change the heartbreak you were dancing about.  But we do it anyway, for whatever reason.  For me, the feedback pushes me to improve.

So at the end of this journey, do I feel fulfilled?  Not exactly.  But that’s not because the experience wasn’t amazing.  I feel empty because, in my mind and in my heart, this journey is only half over.  I just don’t get to participate in the rest.  *Chuckles*  But I will be there, for as much as I can, to watch those 13 chosen ladies work their asses off to finish even stronger than they started.

And you can bet you’ll see my face in the Headshot submissions next year.  I’m determined to finish what I started.

Flawless1FINAL

*~* Well Let Me Introduce You To Grace… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Katra (Polar Tone; Makeup Option 03) || Glam Affair
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Wight; Verdant Pupil) || IKON || on sale through Oct 31st!
Hair: Brenda (Redbrown) || Elua || Seasons Story
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) || Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) || Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Natural Rose Black || -{ZOZ}-
Contour/Highlight: Contour Blush (Peach Mid) & Tintable Highlight || Dead Apples
Lipstick: Alyx Classic Lipstick (Ruby Red; Java version) || Pink Fuel
Scarf: Snood (Grey) || Drop || Seasons Story
* Male & Female versions included, both Rigged and Non-Rigged mesh
Jacket: Autumn Jacket (Grey) || Aphorism || Seasons Story
* Includes Texture pad to change the color of the sweater
Jeans: Mia (Grey) || Blueberry
* Standard/Slink/Maitreya/Freya/Venus/Isis sizes, Regular & Tucked In versions
Shoes: Malibu Lows (Floral; RARE) || Flite **Gacha **
Septum Piercing: Dark Queen Septum Ring (P6) || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story
Rings: Dark Queen Rings || RealEvil Industries || Seasons Story
* Sold separately in versions for Slink Casual, Slink Elegant, and Maitreya/Belleza
Dog: Happy Puppies (Cream; Sweet Puppy) || Fawny ** Gacha ** || Seasons Story
* ‘Sweet Puppy’ is holdable; ‘Playful Puppy’ goes on head and covers your eyes

Pose: Teen 1 – Level 4 || Vitalis Animatum
* Dog adjusts position of the left arm into holding position

Location: Sunfall Landing

Blogging Tune: “Flawless” – MercyMe

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2 thoughts on “Well Let Me Introduce You To Grace…

  1. Tivi, I am so happy to see you explain your feelings calmly and with grace. I understand how you feel and I am sure the organization had their reasons to do a top 12 or 13 as it happens, but I would have felt the same as you. I would be very upset to not see it through to a grand final with all the candidates. I did not like that change to the pageant but did like the direction of the challenges, I think it pushed you all. My year was the last under former management and though I was injured not to make top 12 in the end and feeling somewhat overlooked. I did go the whole mile and to do the same, I believe that it would have made a difference in not only how you feel but possibly to that list. As MVW moves to a grand final so many grow more and more as they continue forward while some may stay in the same place others start to excel and the whole outcome has the potential to shift. I am proud of you for making it as far as you did and I am proud of you for handling it the way you have , but cutting it short is a very hard change to adjust to. I know you have changed some, adjusted your approach, tweeked your look ( love it) and I look forward to you doing that or even something bigger next year…keep your head up, relish in the journey you took and be proud of yourself for how much you have grown, I am proud of you for it. Hugs

    Like

    • Dammit Spirit. Lol.

      I’ve been offline for the last 3 or 4 days in RL without access to this page, and so I just got home and got to read your comment, and now there’s sniveling Tivi-tears all over the place. Lol.

      You are a beautiful person, inside and out, and I want to thank you for your words.

      Whether I went farther or got stopped short, if I can come out of this with people seeing growth in me, as a stylist, as a model, and as a person… then I think I’ll be ok with that eventually. 🙂

      It still stings, as I’m sure you can understand. But your words just made my day. Even if they did make me cry.

      ❤ Tivi

      Liked by 1 person

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