For All The Times I Let You Push Me Round…

I was a… afraid to make a single sound
Afraid I would never find a way out
Afraid I’d never be found
I don’t wanna go another round
An angry man’s power will shut you up
Trip wires fill this house with tip toed love
Run out of excuses for everyone
So here I am and I will not run…

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I should be in bed.  I work a 12 hour day tomorrow.  Yet, here I am.  Also, I just tried to rather melodramatically take a swig of Sangria flavored (yeah, you read that right) Mountain Dew… and choked on it like a derp.  So that’s the kind of precedent being set with this post, I guess.

Also, I know I’ve used this prop recently, but I just love it… especially when it comes to blogging lingerie.  It’s just perfect.  I’ve seen another blog post recently that featured this particular lingerie set and it was like… the background was just so inconsistent with the feel of the clothing, I’d like to keep it simple and very… showgirl.  Cause that’s how I feel in this particular outfit.

And I love the detailing.

Anyway… this wasn’t the point of this post.  Lol.  I just wanted to apologize, for those of you that like seeing me use different things, who will be disappointed that these pictures use that same lightbox prop from oOo Studio that I adore.

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I’ve worked… really hard… over the last three years that I’ve been in modeling in SL.  Some of you that have known me from the beginning have known just how far I’ve come, and how hard I’ve worked to get here.  You’ve been there during the failed castings… the heartbreaking auditions… the walks when I left the stage KNOWING I blew it… the walks when I felt like I’d killed it only to be not what the brand/pageant/contest was looking for.  Some of you have been there through it all.  The good, the bad, the ugly.

But the point… is that it took time.  I took my successes with my failures, and the times when I was less than successful only pushed me to work that much harder to get to the things that I really wanted.  There are some goals that I’ve held the entire three years that I’ve been modeling that I’ve still not reached yet.

And there were people… one in particular… a mentor that I felt close to… that I thought had my back and were looking out for me.  That faith that I thought that particular person had in me is what kept me moving forward.  Turns out?  Was all fake.  Or in my head.  Or something.  I don’t really know what it was… all I know is that that person is not the mentor that I thought they were.  That person wasn’t looking out for me.  That person did absolutely zero to help or even encourage me to succeed, whether with their assistance or completely on my own.

And perhaps that neglect and abandonment by the one person who was supposed to always be in my corner intrinsically just made me push harder.  But coming face to face recently with how little of a fuck that person actually gives about my career as a model or my life as a person… hurts more than I can really explain or fully understand.  At a time in my life when so many have walked away, when so many have looked me and those close to me in the face and said, “I made my choice,” and to watch those people walk away… at this point, I guess I just needed consistency.  I needed to know that that ONE person I’ve trusted with my ‘secrets’ in this industry… my fears, my failures… I told this person EVERYTHING… everything I ever aspired to do, even if I knew they didn’t like the person/brand/organization… even if they felt it wasn’t a good idea for me to try… I shared everything with them.  Because they were… or they were SUPPOSED to be… my mentor.

And I feel… like I was stupid to think that person ever had my best interest in mind at all.  To know that that person had the ability to help me and just chose not to.  Then chose to offer that help and HAND everything with ZERO work to someone who happens to be a horrible excuse for a human being?  If that person deserves to have everything handed to them and I didn’t even deserve assistance with goals I’ve held and worked hard to try and achieve for THREE YEARS… then what does that say about that person’s opinion of me?

Sorry I’m not all happy and cheery today.  It… hurts… to feel like I’ve been played for a fool for the last three years.  And it… sucks… to feel like that support I thought I had – I guess I made it all up in my head? – is just… gone.

That mentor is, of course, free to do whatever they want and associate with whomever they want.  Go, hand that horrible woman everything she wants, don’t make her work for it.  I shouldn’t care, even if I’m hurt that you handed her an opportunity I’ve WORKED for for YEARS.  It’s your prerogative to do as you wish.  Just remember… those who lay down with dogs, get up with fleas.

Take a bath before you come at me again.

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*~* For All The Times I Let You Push Me Round… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Alice (Lovely Day; Arctic Tone; Makeup Option 1) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Ramsey (Light Blondes) – Truth Hair
Body: Lara Mesh Body (current version 3.3) – Maitreya
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant 1) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Diva Set (Red) – Nailed It
Lipstick: Essential Lipstick (Red; Matte; Dark) – Pink Fuel
Panties/Bra/Corset: Annie Set – Supernatural  @ Penumbra S/S FW
Heels: Pasha – BabyMonkey

Prop/Poses: Follies – oOo Studio

Location: Penumbra S/S FW ’15 Sim

Blogging Tune: “Guts Over Fear” – Eminem ft. Sia

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