It’s like I’m looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody’s saying He’s not coming home now
This can’t be happening to me
This is just a dream…
I’ve started grinding my teeth at night. I don’t know specifically when I started, but it was sometime this week. I wake up in the morning and my teeth hurt like a bitch. I mean, moreso than they usually do. I don’t do anything about it, because I have to drive to work, and that’s an hour drive. But once I get there, it takes half a Vicodin to be able to focus through the pain enough to do what I need to do.
And of course, I’m allergic to Vicodin… so I get insanely dizzy, have lapses where I momentarily forget both who and where I am, and start to briefly run a low-grade fever. Why do I purposely take something I’m allergic to that affects me that greatly? Because it’s what stops the pain enough to focus at work. And the trade-off just seems worth it, somehow. I’m miserable either way. But at least I can focus through the dizziness and the fever. I can’t focus through the pain.
I guess this is why part of me still holds out hope for Him. I find any excuse to say anything to Him, even if I’m angry and it’s some stupid cutting comment I shouldn’t say. At least it’s something. And it might hurt like hell to talk to Him… to know that everything He ever told me was a lie… and that He never meant any of it… told me what I wanted to hear to get me where He wanted me… for some reason, I can handle the tears, because it lets me focus on the work I need to do.
Because otherwise, I’m really afraid the pain of it all would become unbearable if I didn’t.
Friends of mine who have asked why I stuck around even after I said I wouldn’t… or, rather, why I tried to stick around, because He sabotaged that too… I described it the same way to anyone who asked: It’s like super-gluing a plastic salt and pepper shaker together and then just trying to yank them apart. You’re going to shatter the plastic and ruin them both. And at the time, He was begging me to stay. So I felt like not only would I ruin myself if I just left, but I’d destroy Him too… and He didn’t deserve that. Not when she’d already caused Him so much hurt before. Even if He did it to Himself, I didn’t think He deserved more.
But if You super-glue those same salt and pepper shakers together, and then chip away at the glue with a knife, when they separate the bond is weakened, and you have a better chance of perhaps not completely destroying one or both of them. And that was what happened. When He collared me, there was that super-gluing of those salt and pepper shakers together. And everything He did during the last week when I tried to stay… just chipped and chipped at that glue. So that when I finally walked away when He broke His word all over again… the break was cleaner.
Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts like hell. And there are still pieces of me missing that I’m not sure I’ll ever get back again… He’ll likely keep those forever, whether He wants to, tries to, or not. But the break itself was cleaner. He chipped away at the glue with a knife, making the separation easier, at least for Him. By the time I left He was so pissed at me… all for refusing to do anything but tell Him the truth.
So the break was easier for Him. Which I guess is what I wanted all along. I’ve always been the one to put others’ happiness over my own, so even if it made me miserable, as long as it was easier on Him, then that was what I wanted.
It’s just a shame that that knife ended up in my back.
*~* I Was Counting On Forever, Now I’ll Never Know… *~*
Skin: Amberly (Lovely Day; Asia Tone; Makeup Option 1) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Willa (Gingers; Style 1) – Truth Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Flat) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: French Manicure Brights (Orange) – Nailed It
Eye Shadow: Ere Makeup (Orange) – Nuuna
Lipstick: Essential Lipstick (Red Color; Dark Tint; Satin Style) – Pink Fuel
Top/Skirt: Plumeria – Lyrical B!zarre (Ferosh Fashion Weekend Release)
Piercing: Diamond Monroe Piercing – envi
Poses: Various from PosESioN
Blogging Tune: “Just A Dream” – Carrie Underwood