You caught me on the way down
Please hold my hand before I drown
Tie my hands before I burn this town…
This is going to come across as incredibly bi-polar to the happiness that I spoke about in my last post. For this, I apologize. Let it just serve as a reminder that everything can always change in the drop of a hat. People can always fail you. And 90% of the time, they probably will.
He promised me that I was home.
Maybe I’m mistaken, but home implies a sense of safety and security. A sense of “This is your place. You are cared for here. You are loved.” I cannot say with any kind of certainty if after today, this environment would still provide that same feeling. As a matter of fact, her track record proves that it would not stay that way. Her track record proves that she has a way of making Him give up every one and everything that is not her and what she wants. Her track record includes Him ending His REAL LIFE relationship because of a tantrum that she threw about how she couldn’t stay if He stayed with His RL. This is her track record. And yet, He has now taken her back.
He promised me that I was His.
Maybe I’m mistaken, but in order for me to be His slave, He has to be my Master. And maybe I’m mistaken, but in my world, a Master is an Honorable Man. A Master is honest and trustworthy. He runs His House with dignity and integrity and is an Example that other Men aspire to follow. Maybe I’m mistaken, but in my world a Master would not make a promise if He did not fully intend to keep it. If He could not keep it, He would say so. If He needed time to think before making the commitment that a Promise brings, He would say so. This is what a Master is. This is what I thought my Master was. And yet, He has broken His promise to me. He has taken her back.
He promised me that He was done.
Maybe I’m mistaken, but done implies finished. Being ‘done’ implies that He saw the things that EVERYONE had been showing Him for MONTHS that she had been doing. Being ‘done’ implies that He separates Himself from that because He sees how much it hurt everyone involved. Being ‘done’ implies that He looked at the proof that she was SPYING ON EVERYONE ON THE SIM just to make sure that He was not spending time with His RL after she made Him dump her. Being ‘done’ implies being beyond it. Moving forward. Pushing past it, picking ourselves up and trying to piece our lives back together from the destruction she left in her wake. And yet, He has taken her back.
He promised me.
Maybe I’m mistaken, but promises aren’t made lightly. They are not made to be broken. They are not bandaids that are put in place to fix problems, only to repeat the same mistakes and make more promises. Maybe I’m mistaken, but in my world… where I’m so used to people, especially Men, breaking promises to me… in my world, for me to trust You enough to believe Your promise? That is sacred. Promises are sacred. And they are made only after careful consideration that one has the ability to live up to that promise. And yet He has broken His promises to me. He has taken her back.
I’m so used to people failing me. But He promised this was different. And for some reason, I believed Him. For some reason, even though every past experience I’ve ever had was screaming at me in a resounding “NO! DON’T DO IT!” I still believed Him. I believed that He could care enough about me to make that promise and truly want to keep it. I believed that He felt all the things that He said He did.
I believed Him when He told me He wanted to Own me… even when He already Owned her and I knew it would never work. I knew her track record. I knew what she did and how she was. I knew all these things.
And deep down, I think I even knew that He would take her back.
But the ironic part of all of this? Last night He sat with me, He held me in His arms against His chest while I straddled His lap on the couch in our home – and I have to scoff and the tears start all over again at the words ‘our home’ – He held me against Him and He assured me that I was His. That I was home. I danced before Him yesterday and told Him how much joy I found in His steel. In the little family that had been created between Himself, me, and His RL. I reached into the depths of my soul and told Him how I finally felt I’d found the ‘me’ that I’d lost so long ago.
I found the slave I’d always wanted to be.
And He held me in His arms and told me I was His.
He told me just last night that I am an amazing person. And that He is so glad that I am His. I know He said it and it wasn’t just my imagination like I’d originally thought, because I can scroll back in our conversation – and find myself doing it now just to burst into tears all over again – I can scroll back and find it now. I can re-read those words and remember how happy they made me feel. I was happy. I was loved. I was His. And I was Home.
But home doesn’t include someone like her. Family doesn’t include someone like her. I can’t be His while she is there because, let’s face it, she won’t allow it and we all know His track record when it comes to her throwing a fit. Just like a child, she will ultimately get what she screams for. And where does that leave me?
In tears staring at the broken collar and dwelling on all the broken promises while those people who actually do care about me try their best to keep the knife out of my hand. That’s where it leaves me.
He promised me that I was home. He promised me that I was His. He promised me that He was done. He promised me.
And He lied.
*~* What Comes Next Is Another Long Goodbye… *~*
Skin: Amberly (Lovely Day; Asia Tone; Makeup Option 1) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Hope Eyes (Fjord) – IKON
Hair: Inna (Light Reds) – enVOGUE
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: French Manicure Dark Set – Nailed It
Eye Liner: London Liner (Aqua) – Madrid Solo
Lipstick: London Liner (Silver Lips) – Madrid Solo
Dress/Hair & Wrist Flowers: Sophie – Azul @ Fashion For Change
Heels: Aretha Heels (Brights Pack) – PurpleMoon @ Fashion For Change
Piercing: Diamond Monroe Piercing – envi
Earrings/Necklace/Ring: Eva Luxury Set – Lazuri
Poses: various from PosESioN
Location: Misty Mountain Romance
Blogging Tune: “Down” – Anberlin