I wanna see You again
But I’m stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call You then?
To Whom It May Concern:
I’m not an easy person to get close to. Hell, I’m probably not even a GOOD person to get close to, though I can point You in the direction of a few people who might argue with me on that point. I’m torn. I want to be close to people… I want that bond, be it a close friendship or a romantic (of sorts) relationship… but at the same time, in the spirit of self-preservation, I push, and push hard. Every time I end up close to someone, I always end up hurt.
So, to avoid being hurt, I just avoid being close.
Looking back, I’m sure You can identify the times in which I felt the closest to You. The times that I was most afraid of You. I pushed back hard… arguments, fights, for zero reason at all. Randomly lashing out at You for stupid shit. Yeah, those moments make a bit more sense now, don’t they? It’s a defense mechanism. Hurt Them before They hurt you. Make Them give up on you.
Because if They give up on me… then I don’t have to be the one that hurts them when I move along. They simply believe we are not a good fit. Or, I believe, as a past Master put it, “we’re not as compatible as we thought, I think.” No… we are. I just pushed hard enough to make Him give up. Am I proud of myself? Not at all. It’s probably the most polar opposite of a slave that I can be… because it’s taking that control back and using it against them. Influencing their actions.
Then again, I believe I’ve told You at least once before, I’m pretty sure I lost my slavery a long time ago.
When Kimmie died, and later when Rya was released, she and I had a long talk. About Men, Masters, Collars, Submission, Slavery… all of that. Rya and Kimmie had grown so close over a shared perception of their purpose in life: They were not meant for permanent collars. And the more she and I talked about it, the more I began to recognize those sorts of feelings in myself.
I’m not meant for a permanent collar. I’m not meant for the ‘perfect bondage’ described in the books, with one Master and one slave being each completely what the other needs. No matter how much I WANT that… I am not that.
I am the filler girl. The in-between. The one that occupies Someone’s time until what they truly want comes along. And I suppose that with the gypsy-like heart that beats within me, that’s ok. Because they will give up on me and move on to what they truly wanted, tossing me aside, and I’ll move along to the next person that I will be the in-between for.
Now that’s not to say that I serve any less. Never. I serve with nothing less than my full heart when I am in a collar… and perhaps that’s the problem. Knowing that I’m not meant for permanence… knowing that I’m the in-between, the filler… and yet still putting everything that I am into my service. It means that I am positively torn apart when I am tossed aside… like all that I did was nothing. Like all that I AM is nothing.
And that… is a pain that I don’t think You can appropriately imagine, without having been there.
This likely wasn’t what You wanted… when You gave me the task to ‘make something’ inspired by purple. The outfit was styled with You (and with purple) in mind. This letter… I don’t know. You told me to fight, and I guess in some way I am. I’m fighting to show me. The real me. Not the ‘good little slave girl’ that I can be when I’m just trying to get by. And not the pushy, defensive me that I can be when I’m afraid.
I’m still afraid. I’m scared to death. Of You. Of being close to You. Of anything having to do with You. But I fight it. Every moment of every day, I fight it. Because there is ultimately nothing that I enjoy more than the feeling of being close to You. Near Your boot.
And I hope You can see that now.
In spirit, and in service,
*~* You’ve Got A Gypsy Soul To Blame… *~*
Skin: Roberta (Porcelaine Tone; Blonde Eyebrows) – Swallow @ Skin Fair
Eyes: Deadshine Eyes (Frostbite; Magical Pupil) – IKON
Hair: Pandora (Pastels) – Lamb
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Appliers: French Manicure Brights (Purple) – Nailed It
Lipstick: Cherry Blossom Lipstick (Lavender) – XCW Cosmetics
Slip/Dress: Cherie Sweet Lingerie – Etchaflesh **new!**
Collar: Byzantine Chain Collar (Gold) – Noodles *former We ❤ RP*
Plushie (1st pic): Snuggle Owl (Purple); Included with Dress – Etchaflesh **new!**
Location: Salt Water
Blogging Tune: “Colder Weather” – Zac Brown Band