When You’ve Been Fighting For It All Your Life…

** For full resolution, non-blurry pictures, either see my Flickr or click on the individual picture.  I am working on getting the issue solved.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. **

She’s got lions in her heart, a fire in her soul
He’s got a beast in His belly that’s so hard to control
Cause they’ve taken too much hits, taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode

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I originally had a completely different song in mind for this post.  But someone posted this song on Facebook, and it made me change my mind.  Especially given the rather special person that this post is directed towards.  ❤

I also find it incredibly ironic that last night He was ‘giving me shit’ (jokingly, of course) that I had apparently never written a post about Him.  Though, to be fair, I’ve included Juivu and Jules in a few posts since I came into their collar… including the night we roleplayed dinner instead of raiding.  But, He was in fact, correct, that I had not yet before devoted a full post to Him.

Of course, that mostly comes from not knowing what all I can say… without rambling on too long and making no sense to Him or anyone else.  It’s hard to really put stuff like this into words.  (Of course, it could also be the meds.)

Well, I guess I should start at the beginning.

Juivu has this way of worming His way into your life in a way that you don’t exactly expect.  Hell, I didn’t really know Him that well at all when we first sat down and had a conversation, because I’d snapped at Him a bit with some dumb comment He made.  I was unowned at the time, and that’s sort of a state of being that’s hard for me to be in.  I was working on a couple things that were important to me… my dance for Design N Dance… my clothing designs for Rock Your Rack… just a couple projects that were big and meaningful to me, and sometimes it was hard to feel like someone was in my corner.  Without an Owner, you’re pretty much relying on friends… who all have their own stuff to tend to.  It was really easy to feel alone.

From that night, He promised that I could always come to Him.  That if I ever needed someone there for me, He would be.  It was a nice feeling… to know that someone would be there for me.

Then I got sick… and soon after that, my grandmother passed away… and so I was gone for a couple weeks.  When I came back, I was crushed.  I didn’t feel like I was gone very long… and all these things He’d said to be about what He wanted… seemed to go out the window.  He’d collared a slave while I was gone.  Which made it awkward for me… I didn’t feel like it was my place to try and take up any of His time, when He had Jules (His amazing Free Companion) as well as a slave of His own.

So I was back to feeling alone.

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I don’t let people in that easily… especially after something like that.  I felt sorta like everything He’d said was simply what He thought I wanted to hear, to try and get something He wanted.  I viewed Him like everyone else that had come into my life and left destruction in their wake.

Then I made a bad decision.  I mean, don’t get me wrong… the bad decision I’m speaking of was with a decent enough person… however, this person has the emotional maturity of a rotten log… and I allowed myself to become a ‘flavor of the moment’ for Him, all while thinking it was more.

When that inevitably blew up in my face, it was time to see if Juivu really meant what He said about being there.  I turned to Him as my friend first… that constant in my corner that He promised to always be, and ya know what… He was there.  He was there through a lot of shit in my RL before that… stuff I’m not really so keen on talking about here.  But in all that, Juivu was there.  And in this, Juivu was there.  He proved to be consistent, and a Man of His word.

Something I hadn’t encountered in quite some time.

And you know what… when I submitted to Him, it wasn’t perfect.  In fact, the first time we tried, it was hell… for both of us.  We both had our own shit, we both fucked up, and we both let it blow up.  I didn’t see how bad it was until it was too late… and it was over almost as soon as it started.  That didn’t feel right to me.  It didn’t feel like it should end like that.

I got really drunk on my dad’s birthday.  Really drunk.  Like… I don’t drink… and I got drunk off my ass.  I don’t remember much of that night… but I log my conversations.  I went back the next day… Juivu and I had fought… we’d fought hard.  And I just let go.  I let loose every negative thing I had been feeling up to that point… but ironically enough… the next day… instead of feeling horrified… I felt relieved.  Was I sorry for what I said?  No.  The WAY I said it, yes… but the content of what I said… no.  It needed said.  And from there… I don’t know… we just moved forward.

I submitted to Him again… and it just feels… different… this time.  I no longer harbor some of those things… those questions, those insecurities.  Do insecurities still exist?  Yes.  They do.  It will never be perfect.  But I think if it were perfect, it wouldn’t be us.

My place is with Him.  At His feet, by His side… wherever it is that He feels I should be in that moment… is where I want to be.  It’s complicated to explain… because it’s not a feeling I’ve really felt in quite some time… it’s something I THOUGHT I’d felt before.  But you know like… ok, time for one of my stupid analogies.  Imagine you’ve gone your entire life being told that Chicken flavored Ramen noodles was “Chicken Noodle Soup”… and then one day you visit a friend or you sit down with family and have REAL, homemade chicken noodle soup.  That’s how this feels… like there are things I feel with Him that I thought I’d felt before… that I never knew could be this intense until finding His collar.

Our journey hasn’t been the easiest… it hasn’t been the prettiest… nor the most perfect.  I’m not the greatest slave out there to Own, just like He probably isn’t the easiest Master to try and follow.  However, if the journey had been easy, it wouldn’t have been worth it. If it had been pretty, it probably wouldn’t have been as appealing.  And if it had been perfect, it would’ve been boring.  I like our journey just how it is, and how it will continue to be.

I like us.  ❤

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*~* When You’ve Been Fighting For It All Your Life *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Artemis (Asia Tone; Makeup Option 04) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Luminous Mesh Eyes (Dusky Hazel) – Mayfly
Hair: Mystic (Monotone Pack) – Ploom  @ FGC
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (High) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Undereye Shadow: Ere Makeup (Red) – Nuuna
Eyeliner: Amante Smudge Eyeliner (Midnight) – Beautiful Deluxe
Brand (left thigh): J Brand – G.Fleury Designs
Top: Zoey Top (Red; RARE) – Noodles  @ FGC
Skirt: Zoey Skirt (Red; RARE) – Noodles  @ FGC
Face Band: Abandoned (Asian Desire; EPIC) – KioKio  (past FGC item)
Nose Ring: Cihuapilli Nose Piercing (Black) – Soedara
Necklace: Zoey Necklace – Noodles  @ FGC
Armband: Zoey Armband – Noodles  @ FGC
Bracelets: Zoey Bracelets – Noodles  @ FGC
* all Noodles pieces changed with the Metal Change HUD ULTRA RARE
Leg Pouch: Leg Pouch (Black) – The Forge  (in-store gacha)
Blowgun: Kuraro Blowgun – LR Weapons
Shield: Aztec Shield (Asian; EPIC) – KioKio  @ FGC
Staff: Staff of Damascus (Midnight; tint HUD included) – EZ Weaponry
Boomerang (Wings): Arya Boomerang (Metallic) – EZ Weaponry

Poses: various from the “Haute” set – Katink

Location: School of Gorean Dance/Dance Gardens of Gor

Blogging Tune: “Superheroes” – The Script

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