You gave me a place to be.
Not that I really need to give Alisha another reason to cry… but as I was watching the video that is the “Tune” for this blog, I started thinking a lot about Sos… and the Youtuber who made the video… and my life in general. So I apologize for the scattered thoughts… and the tears this may cause some… but I really need to say all that’s here. Whether it makes sense to all or none… many or few… it needs to be said.
Maybe it’s the impending farewell party for Sos tomorrow looming over me like a playground bully that’s making me super emotional.
Maybe it’s the unexpected turns my life has taken that’s making me weak.
I don’t really know.
But what I do know, is that I went looking today to catch up on a few things I’d missed recently. And one of them was this crazy-ass girl. Some crazy Youtuber I started following 3 years ago.
Oh, her name? Jenna Marbles.
And when I started following her, I used her videos as an escape. An escape from everything. Life is/was so serious for me… all the time. And this crazy girl on Youtube who just seemed to give no fucks? It was freeing to me. Maybe that makes me a horrible person who was living vicariously through someone else… or maybe it was what saved my life… feeling like I was finally free to be myself.
Because, hell, if this goofball could do it on Youtube in front of 13 million subscribers… I think I’m safe to just be me in front of 500 or 600 people in my life in SL… and 20-30 people in my life in RL…
But it seems lately that I’ve needed this validation from other people… that the things I feel I need and the things I feel I want are ok. I needed Chance to force my decision to submit… well, not force… but I needed to know that He saw it as ok before I gained the courage to do so. 2 years, it took. 2 years. And He tells me all the time that maybe it was better, because there were people in His life at the time that may have made it impossible for me to stay around… but every time He tells me He would’ve taken my collar back then, too, I have to ask myself, “Am I coming to the culmination of where I am supposed to be in my life… and did I really waste two years wondering what if instead of just taking the leap to get here?”
Maybe that’s why I’m so scared to lose Sos… Just like Chance had to loom over me and offer the opportunity to submit and be at His feet for me to see it ask ok to feel like I wanted, or even needed, it… Sos has always been there to tell me that my slavery and my submission are ok. It’s ok to feel the way I feel. It’s ok to be who I am and do what I do. And when I choose to exist in the prejudicial, judgmental, cut-throat, fake, materialistic community like the SL Fashion Community… where it’s a daily struggle of am I doing this “right”… am I suiciding my career by saying this about myself… am I going to lose a job because of putting this statement in my profile… where I’m constantly looking over my shoulder to see what back-stabbing diva-faced bitch is going to try and ruin me today… when I CHOOSE (yes, I’m acknowledging that it’s my choice) to exist in this community… then coming to Sos as an escape and having a community full of people who can look at me and say, “Hey… who you are is just fine with me… it may not be who I am, and you and I may do things differently… but who you are is just fine, as long as it works for you.” You have no idea how amazing of a feeling it is… especially when Fashion just beats you so low…
And as I watched this video, and read Jenna’s words… I realized… why am I seeking this validation from other people? The novelty of me wore off a long time ago. I stopped being a “new” model a long time ago… at some point, when you stop being new, and you stop being this up and coming name to watch, because people want to see if you make something of yourself and become one of the great ones… or fall on your face, affording them the opportunity to kick you while you’re down (because they all love that) and laugh at you for thinking you could make it. When you stop being “up and coming” and just start to be another face in the crowd, then you have a choice to make.
Do you push to become something great by compromising everything that you are as a person in order to become who they want you to be?
Do you continue to try to be yourself in a community that denies individual creative expression when it should be championing it, and end up fading away as a “failure”?
Or do you stand up, refuse to be anything less than who you are, and walk away from something that has the moral consistency of the devil himself?
You see… your morals can’t exist in the Fashion Community… they just can’t. You have to sit back every day and watch someone get fucked over because of who they know or who they don’t. You have to watch castings and competitions governed by politics, instead of by who has the most talent. You have to watch people who can’t skin match to save their life, can’t prim edit, can’t walk a runway without falling off, and yet they get ahead simply because of who they are or who they know. You have to watch this. And if you aren’t willing to stoop to that level, then you can never be greater than who you are on your own. Because they’ll never accept you. You refuse to be one of them, so you will remain on the outside. Without fail. Every time. Always.
Or, you yourself will be dropped in order for someone else to get ahead. I know. That happened to me. And I can tell you, it broke my heart to listen to that person lie through their teeth at me, only to receive a promotion one month later within a company they had confided in me didn’t want to work with me. “Just stick with me,” she said. “People will see you working with me and will see you are not the things they say.” Though she never told me what they say.
Not that I care now anymore anyway.
So after I sat at Sos at the waterfall, which has been my safe place for 3 years now, taking a few pictures and thinking about things, Chance IMs me. I immediately freak out a bit because I’m adjusting my camera for a picture and I was afraid He was about to force TP me. But He asked, “What are you doing, mine?” (*Shivers* I love when He calls me “mine”.) I let Him know I was thinking… and taking pictures. Immediately He wants to see Sos.
“Show me this place that you will miss so much.”
I tp’d Him, and He tp’d His partner… and I spent some time showing them the sim… explaining the different discussions… relaying stories… trying not to cry. And then it hit me… like a semi truck to the face. I’ve had realizations like this before but I’ve never actually acted on them… but this time was different.
I am right where I’m supposed to be.
I am in His collar… roleplaying in Gor… working on being more active in dancing again… working on coming back to facilitating in D/s and M/s educational sims again… working on making my own store… blogging more frequently where I can be myself and style and write what I please… and all of these things make me happy.
The only thing that makes me miserable… is the SL Fashion Community.
And so… all of this to say… I’m done.
I know some of you expected to see me first in line to submit a picture for the MVW June entries… I made it to a live audition last year and was devastated when I didn’t make it farther… but I’m just… done. I’m done sitting in a judgmental community with zero morality among most individuals who make up its “upper echelon” and wondering why hard work doesn’t pay off anymore. Pffft. Anymore… who am I kidding… it never does, in the long run… not in this community. Again, if you won’t be who they want you to be by compromising who you are as a person, it will never pay off for you.
And I’m just not into being anything different than who I am to satisfy a bunch of people who think they’re important in a pixel world.
I’ve made a decision. I will stay with 2 of the agencies that I’m affiliated with… one of which because they do charity work and I appreciate that greatly and want to continue to support that… and the other because they’ve always supported creative expression of the individual self and pushing the envelope… things that I personally fall in line with.
I will also continue to blog for brands who have graced me with a space in their blogger group, as I would not have applied if I did not like their aesthetic… and blogging is where I can personally express my style in MY OWN WAY.
Finally, I will (obviously) continue my work and support of/with Relay For Life of Second Life.
Everything else… can frankly kiss my ass.
I am who I am. I am a woman. I am a slave. I am a Gorean Dancer. I am a roleplayer. I am a chemo patient. I am bipolar. I am an insomniac. I am often way too emotional. I tend to (used to) care way too much about what other people think of me. I connect deeply to things/people. I define my life mostly in music. I speak better through music than I do through words, sometimes. I suffer from Alexithymia (hence my blog is titled after it. Don’t know what it is? Google it, or find my blog post about it.) I am Danielle. I am Tivi. I am me.
I can be no other. I can be no more. I can be no less.
If you can accept that, then we’re cool… I can be your friend. And never a fiercer friend will you find.
But if you can’t accept me for who I am… if you can’t see me as an individual person with my own beliefs, values, dreams, needs, and desires… if you can’t see that… then I certainly hope you can see my middle finger in the air and my ass as I walk away from you.
*~* I Want My Words To Speak For Themselves… *~*
Skin: Celine (Natural; Freckles; Cleavage) – Aimi Skins ** new release! **
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: West Coast (Reds) – Little Bones
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Flat) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Flat) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands & feet): Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Chest Harness/Padlock Armbands/Black Skirt: Chained Beast (Black) – Silks Worms
Pasties: Here Comes Wicked Of The Dark – Soedara
Veil & Circlet: Elysian Tiamat Veil (Black) – Soedara
Collar: Filligree Collar (Meshed) – Xanimations
Ankle Bells: Belled Kajira Anklet (Silver) – Southern Charm ** LIGHT bell sound; volume adjustable **
Right Eye Scar: Scar Tissue Eye (Light) – Soedara
Blowgun (on right hip): Aya Brumby Blowgun – Primus Weapons
Slingshot/Belt: Bone Slingshot – Primus Weapons
Claws: Kin’ai Claws – Primus Weapons
Pose: random ground sit from one of my Vista Animations AO’s
Location: Solace of Submission D/s Academy (Top of the Waterfall)
Blogging “Tune”: Jenna Marbles’ 200th Video