Baby why’d you leave me, why’d you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I’ll never know
I can’t even breathe…
It’s like I’m looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody’s saying He’s not coming home now
This can’t be happening to me…
This is just a dream…
From the time that I was 10 years old, I can remember being incredibly concerned about who was going to walk me down the aisle some day.
I know I’ve told some of you this story too, but it’s another one I just need to get off my chest today.
From the time that I was 10 years old, the courts I guess thought I was old enough to make the decision about whether or not I wanted to continue regular, every-other-weekend visitation with my father… and I’d said no, I wanted to stop. I don’t remember what my major motivating factors were, but I remember feeling incredibly unimportant to my father at the time, and so I probably just throught he didn’t want to be around me and decided to no longer be in his way.
Funny how I still feel that with people… and that’s still my reaction…
But when I stopped visiting dad, he was mad. Started saying with was my mother’s fault, etc etc. It was just like he really hated my mom. And I remember sitting in the garage one day with a very concerned look on my face and looking to my mom and asking, “Mom, can I ask you a serious question?”
She looked a little shocked. What in the world could 10-year-old me have wanted to ask that was so serious? Honestly, I think she was just praying it wasn’t something like ‘Where do babies come from?’ But she said sure.
“Who’s going to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?”
She looked… confused? Shocked? Dismayed? The fact that I even had to ask was apparently a bit of a blow to her. Even at 10 years old, I remember being able to see a sense of failure on her face. At that moment, she probably blamed herself that I even had to ask. Instead, she covered it up and asked, “What do you mean?”
I went on, still clearly very concerned about this issue, to tell her, as matter-of-factly as I could, “Well, dad hates you, and I guess that means he hates me too. What if he doesn’t come to my wedding? How can he walk me down the aisle if he’s not at my wedding?”
I remember distinctly that my mother started to cry. She knew the very strained relationship that I held with my step-father… what with the verbal and physical abuse and all… and so she knew I still held out hope for my dad to do that sort of ‘special’ thing. As well I should! He’s my father! That’s every (mostly) little girl’s dream! To grow up and marry an amazing man in the wedding of her dreams and be given away by her father.
After she sniffed a few times to hide that she’d been crying (unsuccessfully, I might add), she said, “Well, baby… I’m sure your dad will be there, regardless of how he feels about me, he still loves you very much. He would want to be there for his babygirl.” A few more sniffs. It was like she assumed because I was 10, I didn’t comprehend human emotion. *Chuckles* But then she added, “But if for whatever reason he doesn’t show up… your grandpa could do it. I think he’d like that.”
And from that moment, I was sold. It was my new dream. To grow up, marry an amazing man in the wedding of my dreams, and have my father or my grandfather give me away. Heck if they were both there, why couldn’t BOTH of them do it?! Throughout all the fighting my mom and dad went through from then on, that was what kept me holding on to hope of some semblance of a family…
Some day I’ll get married, and for that one day, everyone will smile and get along… because it’s my day, and that’s what I want. My dad and/or grandpa will give me away, the man will be amazing, and for that one day, things will be perfect again.
Sitting here now, first of all, I have to wonder where the hell this amazing man is supposed to be! Lol. But on a more serious note… I’ve lost both my father and my grandfather. And sometimes, the thing that makes that fact the most real is when I randomly sit here and come to the same realization over and over again…
I have no idea who will walk me down the aisle, if/when I ever get married.
It’s like I’m 10 years old again. Scared to death because I have no idea… and broken-hearted because my dream can’t come true.
*~* I Can’t Even Breathe… *~*
Skin: Maya (Natural; Freckles) – Aimi
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Haruka (True Red; manually tinted darker) – Argrace
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands): French Manicure Pastels Set – Nailed It
Eyeshadow: Romy Eyes Makeup Color Line (color 6) – Glam Affair
Dress: Bridal Gown (White) – Schoen @ Fashion For Life (100% Donation)
Jewelry Set: Lasya Complete Set (ring & anklets not shown) – Lazuri
Poses: Amour 1 – PosESioN (Photo 2)
* I made the pose myself used in photos 1 and 3
Location: My Home
Blogging Tune: “Just a Dream” – Carrie Underwood