He’d say, “Music is the home for your pain,”
I was young, he would say
“Take that rage, put it on the page, take the page to the stage,
Blow the roof off the place.”
As this week starts with an ugly Monday, I’m reminded of the time of year it is. Sure, there’s no real way for me to forget what time of year it is, because it’s my first summer in the South and my air conditioner is out of commission for a bit until it gets fixed… so yeah, I’m FULLY aware that it’s June and hot as hell.
However… there’s a more important time of year. And this one just snuck up on me. I didn’t really pay attention until I woke up during a nap this afternoon and heard someone mention something about the week leading up to Father’s Day.
Father’s Day. Great.
This will be my first Father’s Day without my dad. And it’s another one of those times where I’m just… mad. I’m not mad that if I tried to call him, he wouldn’t answer… just like every other year. I’m mad that this year he won’t answer because he CAN’T. It won’t be Leroy (the friend he lived with) telling me that he just doesn’t want to talk… it would be Leroy asking questions, “How are you holding up? Can you believe it’s almost been a year?”
Damn… it HAS been almost a year… It’ll be a year at the beginning of August. I don’t remember if they put the 1st or the 2nd on his death certificate… but yeah… August will be a year. I can’t wrap my head around that. I just can’t.
As I reflect back on it now, I HATE not knowing, you know? Was it the Emphysema? Was it cancer? They found lumps in His lungs… could there be lumps in my lungs? I’m already asthmatic… could I be genetically pre-disposed to all of this crap?
I think all the secrecy from the Doctors lately is just making me paranoid.
I’m told I’ll have more of what’s going on explained to me when I see the doctor on Thursday morning. We’ll see what “more of what’s going on” actually translates to then, I guess.
In other news, my mom’s best friend flew down from Indiana today. Before grandpa’s funeral in February, I think the last time I’d seen her was my high school graduation party in 2008. Unless I saw her at another funeral between then and now. I don’t exactly remember. Either way, it’s been a LONG time… and it was good to see her in February, even given the circumstances. So to have her call me this morning, “So, I’m sitting in the Pensacola Airport and I can’t get ahold of your mother…” was an interesting call to get. I guess she flew in to surprise us cause she knew this would be a hard week for us both… my first Father’s Day without dad and mom and mine’s both without grandpa.
Of course, the interesting part of unplanned visitations is that mom and my step-dad were about an hour and a half away at a doctor’s appointment and mom wasn’t answering her phone, leaving her stranded at the airport til she called me. Heh. I went to the airport, picked her up, called mom and got her to answer, told her what was going on and got an estimated time they’d be home. I got to take her friend out to lunch and just talk.
I can’t even begin to describe how supportive people have been since I ‘came out’ about starting chemo. People who have been through it before have done nothing but encourage me… and offer an ear while I ranted and cried to them about how fucking scared to death I am. You see, the thing about chemo is that my grandpa went through it… and he gave up. He decided it was too much and stopped. If the strongest man I’ve ever known thought it was too much… then just how bad is it going to get. Like, I understand that chemo is literally injecting poison into your body… and that’s bad… but just how bad does it have to be for my own grandfather to say, “Forget this, I’m done…”
I’m scared. But it’s nice to know I have people who will be there.
*~* Take That Rage, Put It On The Page… *~*
Skin: Sigrid (January; Ginger Brows; Cleavage) – Glance Skins
Eyes: Promise Eyes (Apex) – IKON
Hair: Zendaya (Rigged Mesh & Flexi Add-On) – Damselfly @ Fashion For Life
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (hands & feet): Dark Set (Teal) – Nailed It
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Dress: Sachi Flare Dress (Teal) – Mon Cheri @ Fashion For Life
Jeans: She Gotta Donk (Blue 2) – Alterego
Shoes: Rosa Espadrilles (Teal) – Mon Cheri @ Fashion For Life **Add-on for Slink Mid Feet ONLY**
Necklace: Yasemine Necklace – Bliensen + MaiTai @ Fashion For Life
* This set also comes with matching earrings that are not pictured here
Blindfold: Abandoned (Garden) – Kio Kio @ We ❤ RP
Poses: Agapee (Photo 1 & Photo 3)
* I made the pose for Photo 2 myself.
Location: My Studio
Blogging Tune: “If You Could See Me Now” – The Script