Somebody, Make Me Feel Alive…

If I break the glass, then I’ll have to fly
There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive
I’m scared of change and the days stay the same
The world is spinning, but only in grey…

ShatterMe3FINAL

I don’t trust very easily.

Anyone who’s known me for any real length of time probably read the above statement and said, “Well duh, Tivi…”  But I really don’t.  I can deal with change for the most part, but if it’s change that requires a great amount of trust for a bunch of people I don’t know, then I don’t handle it well.  Because I don’t handle trust well.

That said… once I trust you… it’s really hard to lose that trust if you prove to be consistent over time.  If you do manage to lose my trust, it’s nearly impossible to gain it back.

All that, pretty much to say that as I come to the computer this afternoon, I find myself devastated.  I really don’t want to have the “Second Life is a game” argument with anyone, so if that’s your opinion, please kindly keep it to yourself.  There is a sim that I’ve been a part of for the past AT LEAST 3 years… since even before Tivi as an avatar was created back at the end of 2011… and it took me a long time to trust that group of people as much as I do.  It’s an educational sim… and as we all know, you can’t really learn or grow unless you’re open to that learning and growing.  So for a long time I pretty much just went through the motions… attended classes and discussions… sat there and listened… but I couldn’t trust people enough to truly allow myself to be open and allow these people to affect my life.

Until one day I just… could.

This is the most consistent group of people I have ever met in my life.  Sir Mik, Alisha, Sarrah… Sir Dark… Miss Kaddan.  These people have just always been there.  And whether they knew they were helping me or not, there was always something.  Even if I wasn’t incredibly close with some of them, even just a properly placed discussion topic at a time in my life when I needed it the most… it was almost equivocal to sitting down and talking about what was going on in my life with an old friend.  That’s how these discussions and this sim became to me.  Old friends.  Family even.

Especially Alisha.  Good lord.  I can’t remember how many times, especially in the beginning in my unwillingness to trust and let people in, how many times I said or did stupid things and that woman took the brunt of it most of the time.  And whether or not she saw it at the time, she took the brunt of it because she was the one I could trust the most.  Sure, Sir Dark is like my big brother… but there are some things that a fellow submissive or slave, and a fellow woman… just understands more than a male Master would.  She took so much shit from me… and in the end, welcomed me back in with open arms, every time.  Maybe she secretly knew and understood I was just having issues trusting… and she knew that one day the consistency of the amazing environment provided at Sos would win out and I’d finally feel ok enough to just be there and trust them.  Or maybe she’s just a saint.

I’m sure it’s some combination of the two.

ShatterMe2FINAL

This afternoon, however, I come to the computer, sit down, and start sorting through notices I got while I was offline/afk… per my usual.  I came across a group notice in the Sos group sent by Sir Mik.  This should’ve been my first clue, because unless He’s LEADING the discussion, He rarely sends notices.  My second clue should’ve been that the notice was titled as important.

So I sat down with the notecard and began to read.

And the more I read, the more my heart began to break.  I should feel happy… His relationship with Sarrah and Alisha finally crossed over fully into RL 2 years ago… and they have all been seemingly doing wonderfully.  I guess I just never really registered the fact that eventually, they would be happy enough in their RL to not need SL as much… to not see the merit of logging in and working as hard as they always have… when the things that are the most important to them are now right there in the same house with them.  They have their RL goals and aspirations that they need to focus on as a poly family and that’s a really beautiful thing.

Again, I guess I just never in a million years imagined that Sos would close.

This is the point where I’m sure logical people are saying, “Sos can’t be the only educational sim with discussions out there.”  And it’s not.  I’ll probably gradually move over more to Aos, which is sort of a ‘sister sim’ to Sos, and is run by Miss Kaddan, one of the facilitators that I greatly trust.  Sir Dark is also there, so transitioning there will make it easier for me… but the fact remains that for the most part it feels like I have to start all over again with trusting a whole new group of people.

The good thing about Aos is that a lot of the membership from Sos crosses over to discussions there… and I’m sure a lot more will once Sos closes on July 1st… but even the idea of consistently going somewhere ELSE, OTHER than Sos just scares the living daylights out of me.  And it breaks my heart all over again.  Sos is a safe place for me.  You guys have even started to see it show up more on my blog… the top of that waterfall is where I’ve been “hiding out” for 3 years whenever I just want somewhere peaceful and quiet, to be left alone, but to be somewhere safe.  I know I can go to the top of that waterfall and not be bothered.  And if some Joe Schmoe noob starts poking around the sim and tries to bother me, I know at least 3 people who will put a stop to it asap.

Sos is the place I’ve come to know and love… it’s become my ‘home away from home’, so to speak.  And now it’s closing.  Granted, it’s closing for happy reasons. It’s not like they’re getting mad and closing it, or they’re in financial hardship and are closing it for sad reasons.  But it’s still closing.

And I have to say I think the grid will be a very… different… place without Sos.  I know there are other educational sims.  But there was always something about Sos that made it different.  And without it, it’s like turning off a light in the house.  The house may still be lit, but it won’t be as bright as it was before.

Sir Mik, Alisha, Sarrah… if you’re reading this, I love you guys.  You have become like a family to me when I had none, and I honestly am not sure what I’ll do without Sos as a safe place to run to.  But I’m SO happy that things are working out in your real lives and that you are finally able to be the full, complete, loving family that you have been for as long as I’ve known you.

I just don’t think there will ever be anywhere else quite like Sos.  People can try… but it will always be missing something.  Even if I can’t put my finger on it… something special will always be missing.

And I’m not sure if there’s another place out there that can make me feel as safe and loved as Sos managed to.  I really don’t think there is.

Now, if I could only stop crying.

ShatterMe1FINAL

*~* Somebody Make Me Feel Alive… *~*
* Some items I’ve labeled as being ‘@ Dark Style Fair” even though they are NOT the exclusive items.  I did, however, purchase these items during my shopping excursions to the Dark Style Fair, so they are in the designer’s display booth somewhere.

Shape: MINE
Skin: Maya (Natural; Freckles) – Aimi
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: NONE!  Click HERE for info on Relay for Life of Second Life!
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier (Hands): Dark Set (Red) – Nailed It
Undereye Liner: Lyre Makeup (Black; tinted darker) – Nuuna
Lipstick: Glossy Pout Lipstick (Red; Dark) – Pink Fuel
Teeth: Open Mouth Pro – PXL Creations  (USING PIERCING EXPANSION)
Tank Top: Beater Tanktop (Black) – Viva La Glam  *Only L$10!*
Hoodie: Dozer Hoodie (Dino) – Razor  *Available for Male AND Female!*  @ Dark Style Fair
Pants: Denim Worker Pants (Black) – Sakide  @ Dark Style Fair
Shoes: Chuckers (from Just the Way You Are outfit) – *CK* Crazy Kitty
Nose Ring: Cihuapilli Nose Piercing (Black) – Soedara
Cheek Piercings: Jewel Cheeks – the HV  BONUS included in “Inque” @ Dark Style Fair
Necklace: Taiga Necklace – Mandala  *UNISEX*

Poses: Various stands from the NEW RACHEL AO – Vista Animations

Location: My Build Platform

Blogging Tune: “Shatter Me” – Lindsey Stirling Ft. Lzzy Hale

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