Words In My Head, Knives In My Heart…

Words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I’m only human

I try to act like stuff doesn’t bother me.  I think this is one of my partner’s greatest sources of irritation when it comes to me… is that I can get shat all over and then act like it doesn’t bother me.  I can be holding back tears and still tell Him, “No, its nothing.  It’s fine.  It doesn’t matter.  I’m fine.”

I’m not, and He knows I’m not.  But I guess that I assume the more I say it, the more likely it is to become true at some point.  The more I say I’m ok with being used or taken advantage of or being told I’m not good enough or any of the other myriad of things that I’m told when it comes to modeling in SL on a daily/weekly/monthly basis… the more I say I’m ok… I guess I just hope that eventually I will be ok.

And you know, I guess my beginnings in modeling would be to blame for the fact that I perceive everything much more personally than I probably should.  I mean… yes, I’m a heavily defensive person… be it defensive of myself and my own work, or defensive of those I care about.  Heck, if you’ve found my other blog, then you know that.  *Grins*  But yes, I’m defensive and heaven help you if you have no basis for a criticism that you give… or if you don’t give your criticism constructively.  Constructive criticism aimed at bettering me as a model and person, I can understand.  However, telling me that something is ‘all wrong’ and when I ask why, and explain my choices, I’m just continuously told it’s wrong… no justifications, no explanations, just how wrong it is… yeah, I’ma snap, I’ma say some things that your delicate sensitivities don’t want to swallow.  I fully admit that.  And that’s exactly what happened when I started in modeling.  And all that keeps ringing in my head was what happened that night.

I was told I’d never make it.  Never.

So, yeah, I’m a little more apt to take things personally.  My bad.  I’m human.

Now that that’s out of the way…

I’m having a lot of fun with these Fantasy Faire posts… they let me kinda step outside of the box of what the ‘mainstream’ fashion world in SL likes to tell me is “ok” or “good”.

Remind me when I let a bunch of self-important divas (and not the good kind) tell me what is and isn’t ok for ME to style?  Whether I choose to showcase something that’s out of the box or a mix and match style… is up to me.  Whether or not YOU consider my carefully edited outfit taking pieces from 4 different outfits by the same creator to be mix and match or not, since it’s the same creator, really shouldn’t matter to me.  All that matters is that *I* like it, and *I* wanted to style it.  So why do I let it matter?

After sitting down today and realizing just how much I let it matter, I was thoroughly angry with myself… and I sat down and talked to Natzuka, who encouraged me to just work for myself… let my passion shine through and do it for myself, instead of for others.  It was only then that I knew just how much negativity I had let get inside my head… because I spent the next at LEAST 30 minutes trying to explain to her all the reasons I wasn’t good enough to do it on my own.  In no uncertain terms, she let me know that ‘they’ (meaning anyone who had mistreated me or been negative, I’m assuming) can go fuck themselves.  And I saw she was right.  But why was it that I needed Natzuka to tell me that… why didn’t I already believe in myself as much as she believes in me?

I guess I’m wondering where my strength in my convictions went.  Some of you noticed my name change in SL and assumed it was my partner’s last name, since we’re engaged.  Nopes.  I got adopted first… and Inglewood is my dance teacher’s last name, who kinda adopted me as her daughter.  So I’m wearing the Inglewood last name… she’s always talked to me about how I’m the mouthpiece of our little group, I stand up for those who are being treated poorly, and I’m very protective of our little ‘family’ in our dance school…

So remind me when I stopped being just as protective of myself?  When did I start rolling over and taking the bullshit I was handed?

I dunno when I started doing it… but I certainly stopped all THAT shit today.  I’m through defining myself by someone else’s standards.  I am who I am, and if that fits with your idea of “good”, then great.  We can work together.  But if who I am doesn’t fit your definition of “good’ or “right” or whatever the hell you want to call it, then you are certainly free to go to the opposite corner and do your thing, because I’m gonna be right here being me.  Don’t like it?  You don’t have to.  But I also don’t have to give a fuck.  🙂

*~* Words In My Head, Knives In My Heart… *~*
* Another reminder for Fantasy Faire items… the Fantasy Faire SLURL next to them will take you to the correct sim, however you will need to find the particular store on that sim.  *le gasp*  You have to actually explore an event?!  Seriously, though… it’s an awesome event.  Don’t consider it a huge problem.  Lol.  Also… some of the items I’m showing are things I bought FROM Fantasy Faire, but may or may NOT be the Relay for Life item.  So make sure you check the whole store/booth.  🙂

Shape: MINE
Skin: Ivy Skin (no. 14; Bronze; Freckles) – RedMint
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: Sanna (Rouge) – Wasabi Pills  @ Fantasy Faire
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Elegant) – Slink
Ears: Sprite Ears – Illusions
Nailcolor Applier: Dark Set – Nailed It
Blush&Freckles: My freckled Blush (dark freckles) – UtopiaH  @ Cosmetic Fair
Lipstick: Metallic (red/teeth; Dark) – Pink Fuel
Mesh Dress/Everything Not Otherwise Credited: Wood Elf Lady – BareRose  @ Fantasy Faire
Ear Chains: Mystic Chains (made specifically for the Illusions Sprite Ears) – Illusions
Headpiece: Sumiana Crown (Spring) – Aisling  @ Fantasy Faire
Bow Prop (for third pose): Bow Pose 002 – Musa  @ Fantasy Faire

Poses (photos 1 & 2): various from PosESioN

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Human” – Christina Perri